Oh man, fuck Christmas.
Seriously ?are you kidding me with this 揟here抯 a war on Christmas?bullshit? FOX News wasn抰 raking in enough cash already from all the Christmas commercials for Kill 慹m All Barbie and Girls Gone Wild Brand Toddler Gear? They had to start publishing books about some bogus attack on Christianity? And who did they pick to lead this particular charge?
John fucking Gibson. This guy has wiener written all over him.
Bill O扲eilly gets all the credit as the biggest nutcase in FOXville, but Gibson really deserves his own special wing in the happy house. This motherfucker抯 embedded assignment reads 揢p Karl Rove抯 ass.?/P>
What makes him such a dick? I mean, besides making a fortune by screaming hysterically about how oppressed Christians are by the other twenty percent? How about advocating bombing countries that don抰 vote the way we want in their own elections? Way to encourage democracy, fuckhead. And maybe he was kidding when he wished, on air, that the French had gotten the 2012 Olympics instead of the Brits so the terrorists would ?A href="http:///archives/2005/07/09/220335.php" target=_blank>blow up Paris,?but it might have been just a touch over the top to call for it again on the day of the London train bombings. Classy move, asshole.
And really? That抯 just scratching the fucking surface. Anyone remember who was responsible for the bombing of the Federal building in Oklahoma City? John does: Iraq. And speaking of Iraq, Gibson thinks Rove deserves a fucking medal for outing that CIA agent. And, like any good reporter, he wanted to burn the Florida ballots after his buddy Bush got ?A href="http://www./index.php?page=1095" target=_blank>elected?rather than, I don抰 know, count them? ?A href="http://www./index.php?page=1705" target=_blank>Is this a case where knowing the facts actually would be worse than not knowing??That right there is why sometimes it抯 useful for journalists to go to, what do you call that fucking place? Oh yeah, journalism school.
And now he抯 all worked up about Christmas being stolen. What is this, the fucking Fairytale Network? It抯 a national fucking holiday and we抮e spending gobs of our hard-earned tax dollars on wreaths and lights for your special Santa day. But these bastards are all 揃ut they call them Holiday trees!?Here抯 a clue: no, they fucking don抰. Ok, maybe in a couple places, like on FOXNews.com and at the White House, but if Christmas is under attack, I抦 Kris fucking Kringle.
And guess who抯 stealing Christmas, according to Gibson. Go on ?guess. 揂 cabal of secularists, so-called humanists, trial lawyers, cultural relativists, and liberal, guilt-wracked Christians ?not just Jewish people.?(Emphasis mine. Pure, unadulterated anti-semitism, his.) A cabal? Are you fucking kidding me? Could we try to be a little more fucking original with our Jew-hating?
Speaking of Jew-hating, Pat Buchanan has joined the hype-a-thon of the supposed Attack on Christmas, too. Or, as he put it, ?A href="http://www./opinion/ci_3287118" target=_blank>What we抮e witnessing here are hate crimes against Christianity.?Sorry? We抮e not so hot on paying for an inflatable camel for your goddamn nativity scene and suddenly we抮e Slobodan fucking Milosevic? Fuck you. Get some goddamn perspective, you little prick. When they start hunting Christians in the streets, it抣l be time to start yelling 揌ate crime.?And no, it won抰 count when they start chasing you with the torches. That抣l be called 揟he Most Wonderful Time of the Year.?/P>
And Bill O扲eilly, Gibson抯 cellmate in the silly shack, is doing his part to save Christmas, too. He抯 been going after New York抯 Mayor Bloomberg (that Commie) because he says the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center has been renamed a 揌oliday Tree,?and 揘o Christian Christmas symbols are allowed in the public schools.?The only problem? Neither of those things is even remotely fucking true.
It takes some super-sized balls for O扲eilly to get all lathered up about sinners and their fictional anti-Christian crusade. Every fucking person on the planet has hard and fast evidence that Bill is a world-class pervert, but still he feels totally justified lecturing the rest of us on our moral inferiority.
How fucked up is Bill O扲eilly? Pretty fucked up. Everyone got so crazyfaced about him confusing a sponge and a Middle Eastern snackcake (pretty fucking funny, mind you), that they missed the scary bit: what he meant to say. Old Bill wanted to get all funky on his intern like this: (you抣l excuse my foul language, I抦 quoting an award-winning newscaster here) 揑抎 take the other hand with the [loofah] thing and put it on your pussy.?/P>
loofah (l麙fə) noun. A natural exfoliating sponge.
exfoliate (ĕks-f魭l?鈚? verb. To remove (a layer of bark or skin, for example) in flakes or scales; peel.
That抯 right. Bill O扲ielly, fount of morals, is super familiar with the female anatomy. So much so, that he knows how good it feels to have one抯 pussy exfoliated. We抮e talking h ?o ?t, Hot. That抯 exactly who I抦 going to for my life lessons.
Sorry, where were we? Oh yeah, fuck Christmas.
Can we back up just a couple steps here? At what point did a basic understanding of the separation of church and state become a fucking war on religion? And how did we get to the point where you can call an organization set up to defend our civil liberties ?A href="http:///items/200503030007" target=_blank>Terrorists?on national television and no one fires your ass? Enough. Fuck all of you lying little shitheads who wish the world was out to get you so you could play the poor oppressed victims. Wake up assholes ?you抮e the cowboys, not the fucking Indians.
揃ut we want to display our Christmas tree on city property!?You can, go right ahead. 揟hey抮e stopping us from praying in school!?They抮e not, so fuck off. 揥e抮e not allowed to say 慚erry Christmas?anymore!?Are you fucking kidding me? Knock yourself out. Say it at work, scream it in your high school lunch room, hell, tattoo it on your fucking forehead for all we care. Guess who抯 gonna be there defending your right to do every one of those things? The fucking ACLU. One of these days you bastards are going to drive those fuckers out of business, and then you抣l see some actual attacks on your religious liberties. I thought conservatives were supposed to be all proud and independent? When did they turn into a bunch of fucking crybabies?
Let抯 back up even fucking further, shall we? Can anyone tell me how old Christmas is? Anyone? Two thousand years, give or take, right? Gee, who抯 been reading their No Child Left Behind History Textbooks? Try fucking four thousand years. Huh. Twice as fucking long as your little baby king has been around. How could that possibly be, unless. . . waitaminute. . .
Christmas isn抰 fucking Christian. Ok, now we抮e talking.
That抯 right, that Yuletide cheer you抮e spreading? What exactly do you think Yule is? It‘s the fucking Pagan celebration of solstice. And those 揅hristmas?traditions? They抮e not just like Pagan rituals, they fucking are Pagan rituals. Way before your Jesus got all magical with the bread and fishes, the Romans were celebrating the birth of Mithra on . . . guess? Go on ?guess. December fucking twenty fifth. What a weird coincidence. Practically the whole thing is ripped off from the fucking Druids and the Romans. Twelve days? Check. Exchanging gifts? Check. Mistletoe? Check. And you抎 better fucking believe that those decorated trees that Gibson and Co. are so bent out of shape over are as Pagan as the Rune and Crystal Shack at Pentagramfest 2005. You might as well be building miniature fucking Stonehenges in your den.
And don抰 you read your own goddamn Bibles? Jesus was born when? In the middle of winter? Lot of Shepherds out watching their flocks around that time of year in Bethlehem? No, because they抎 be freezing their fucking asses off. Tell you what ?y抋ll go figure out which one of the different Bible stories about the birth of Baby Jesus?/SPAN> you want to believe, and then we抣l argue about whether it fucking happened like that or not.
Christians just stole a bunch of traditions from other cultures, slapped them together, stuck a fucking tinfoil star on top and called it the Most Important Holiday of the Year. Modern American Christmas makes Michael Jackson look positively organic.
But you boys at FOX still freak out every year about how everyone‘s out to get your special trees. This is really the most important thing you have to talk about? Whether Target says Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas? Here抯 a brainstorm: there抯 a fucking war on. Our soldiers are out there dying while you guys do your 14th live feed of the day from WalMart to show us what good little consumers we are. What Would Jesus Do? He抎 jump over that newsdesk and kick your ass for that shit. Are you sure you want to hang your journalism credentials on a story about what some guy calls a tree?
Well we抳e fucking had it. You want to play bullshit games and scream about how God抯 fucking judgment is gonna come raining down on us if we don‘t start watching our vocabulary? Go right the fuck ahead. But let me clue you in on something: fire and brimstone ain抰 no deterrent for us. We抮e not going to hell, assholes, we抮e fucking in hell. We live with you.
And fuck Easter too, you fertility杛ite朿elebrating, whiny, self-righteous, don抰杒now杢he?history杘f杫our杘wn杛eligion assholes. Fuck off.
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