不要“买”她的注意

（作者：David DeAngelo）

我要谈的是男人们都在乎的一个问题：给女人买东西。

包括吃的喝的，小礼物，带她去看电影，等等等等。

问题是：“我该付钱吗？”

大部分男人将约会时的主动掏钱看成是一种义务。他们仿佛被强迫一般给女人买礼物，送花，带她出去“让她开开心”。通常，男人们使用的“标准方式”便是简单的向女人问一句：“什么时候一起出去约个会？”

等等，这里头到底发生了什么事？为什么男人经常给女人买东西？这其中有什么原因没有？

如果你足够静下心来观察这些事，你会认识到这些男人们：

1）用吃饭、鲜花、礼物，所有这些投其所好的东西作为诱饵，吸引女人的注意，让女人花时间和自己在一起。

2）没有察觉到将女人吸引过来的其实是他们自己。

3）根本不知道这些引诱所产生的实际效果如何。

4）最重要的，不知道除此之外还能做些什么。

我也曾认为我应该经常约她出去，给她买东西等等，我认为只有这样才能吸引她的注意力。这样的感觉实在很糟糕。更糟糕的是在第一次见面时我越是这样对她们好，她们对我却越冷淡。她们看起来好像认为我过于努力，以至于她们无法接受。

你呢？

在回答“我该付钱吗？”这个问题之前，让我先问你：

为什么你要付钱？

更确切地说，面对一个你刚认识，几乎什么都不了解的女人，你为什么要给她买东西呢？

你也许想从中得到什么。

要知道，美女的直觉都是很敏感的。她知道你在想什么。她会从你行为的蛛丝马迹中判断你有多喜欢她。她也会判断你有多少小屁孩的成分。

我有些朋友，他们很有女人缘，他们经常带女人出去吃饭。一顿饭至少200美元。

我也有些朋友，他们很少同女人一起甚至喝杯咖啡，但他们身边的女人多的受不了。

这可能吗？

那些用食物向女人行贿的家伙们真的成功了吗？或者这两种方式都行？

其实，根据多年的研究，我发现一个有趣的现象，就是那些真正很有女人缘的家伙们都有的共同点：

他们有的给女人买昂贵的东西，而有的什么都不买。不管买不买，他们都从不将买礼物看成一种“诱饵”、“贿赂”或者“义务”之类的东西。

换句话说，那些隐藏在行为后面的意图在女人看来是多么明显。

My friends that take women on dates to beautiful restaurants would be GOING THERE ANYWAY, and they just happen to be taking the woman along with them.

他们要是开了一瓶很贵的酒，总是会自己喝掉。

我必须指出，我认识的这两种人，有个共同点，就是他们都清楚吸引是如何产生和运作的，他们明白如何吸引女人，不论是给女人买东西还是不买。

我再说得明白点，当与女人在一起的男人试图“购买”她的注意力时，她马上就能意识到这一点。她通常会给出两种回应：表示难以接受，或者干脆离开。

不管你怎么做，不管你怎么解释。

你可以说：“你真的很漂亮。”言下之意却是：“我一点也不感冒。”

你也可以给她买东西，却不必说：“我给你买东西就是指望你喜欢我。”

搞懂没？


钱是令很多小伙子感到头疼的事情。

你不能总是给女人买东西，特别是当你同几个女人约会时。

不过，好消息是，要搞定女人，你什么都不必买。

另一个好消息是，有一种方式可以表达你对她的好，却不必被解读为：“我不值得和你和我在一起，所以我得掏钱买你的注意力。”

当你请她吃晚饭时，考虑以下两种方式：

1）“请问这个星期五能否赏脸跟在下共度晚餐？”

2）“我打算星期五到我最喜欢的餐馆去打牙祭，你来不来？”

两者有何不同？

前者摆明了你是要请她吃晚饭；

后者则表明：你在过你自己的生活，做你自己的事情，你只为你自己……不过如果她想跟你一块，也行。

后者能让你表现出来不像个小屁孩。

那么，我个人的意见呢，就是不要一开始就替女人掏钱。

It's much better to allow her to like you and feel ATTRACTION for you without the distraction and expense.

如果你清楚“吸引”是怎么运作的，你可以用你的肢体语言或者在交流当中激发它。钱是不必要的。

如果你想到你喜欢的地方去放松或者找乐子，邀请她加入你，而不要问你能否带她去。

这会给她一种强烈的印象，真的。


——事情的另一面——

在我们讨论的整个话题当中，包含着另一个“黑暗”面。

男人带有一种态度，就是觉得（自己喜欢的）女人肯跟自己在一起，肯注意自己，那么自己就有责任有义务（给她买东西）。

如果你同一个美女在一起，而她拥有众多追求者，那么你很容易陷入这种情绪当中，觉得“我要做得比他们更多，给她买更多的东西，把他们比下去”。

这种希望把自己“展现给她”的情绪，甚至在你刚认识她一会儿的时候就有了。

还有更糟的，不少 男人觉得，对方肯和自己约会甚至上床，便是自己欠她的。而吃饭、送礼，或者维持两人的关系，便沦为一种还债行为。

You must realize that EVEN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD want MORE than just "payment for their time".

漂亮女人经常会收到饭局、钱、礼物这类东西，你这样跟风基本上是徒劳。

你知道，我在很多的地方谈论“吸引”。吸引是一种强烈的情绪，使你发自内心的想同某个异性在一起。

典型的，男人看到美女时，就会被吸引。

女人心里好比有一个“机关”，一个深谙此道的男人能够触发它，使女人被自己吸引住。

大多数男人不明白这它，看不到它，也不关心它。他们不去搞懂女人的心理（他们干脆说：“女人就是搞不懂。”——译者注），而是反反复复的去犯同一个错误，拿脑袋不停地去撞墙（以为能把墙撞破）。

他们还请女人吃饭，买给她们礼物，送花，试图购买她们的注意力。根本用不着这样！

如果你正在做这种事情，就当帮你自己一个忙，停手吧！


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附原文：
  I want to talk to you about a topic that is
always on the minds of men...

  It's the topic of PAYING FOR THINGS FOR WOMEN.

  This includes paying for drinks and dinners,
buying her gifts and taking her out to shows.

  The question is: "Should I pay?"

  Most guys feel OBLIGATED to pay if they go out
with a woman on a date.

  Most guys feel COMPELLED to buy women gifts,
flowers, etc. and "take women out" to "show them a
good time".

  In fact, the "standard" approach for many guys
is simply asking a woman "Can I take you out
sometime?"

  Of course, there's ALWAYS more than meets the
eye when it comes to these kinds of issues, and
this one is no exception.

  Take a moment and ask yourself this question:

  WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON HERE? WHY DO MEN USUALLY
BUY THINGS FOR WOMEN? WHAT'S THE REAL ISSUE?

  If you're willing to be completely open and
honest about it, you'll realize that most men:

1) Use dinners, flowers, gifts, and other "favors"
as bait and/or payment for women's time and
attention.

2) Don't feel deep down like an ATTRACTIVE woman
would want to be with them JUST BECAUSE SHE
ENJOYED THEIR COMPANY and felt ATTRACTION for
them.

3) Have no idea what the ACTUAL affect of trying
to lure women with these kinds of things is.

4) <MOST IMPORTANTLY> DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.

  I can remember when I used to think that I
needed to always take a woman out, buy them
dinner, and pay for whatever I could think of to
get a woman's attention.

  It was really a horrible feeling.

  The worst part was that the more nice things I
did for women when I first met them, the more
apprehensive and "standoffish" they seemed to act.

  It was almost as if they interpreted my actions
as ME TRYING TOO HARD, and they instinctively
played "hard to get" in response.

  The question of "Should I pay for dinner?" is
as old as dirt. So let me answer it with one of my
typical multi-part answers.

  And the first part of my answer is going to be
another question to YOU...

  WHY WOULD YOU PAY FOR A WOMAN'S DINNER?

  And for that matter, why would you buy gifts
and do favors for a woman that you just met and
don't know?

  IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU WANT SOMETHING.

  And guess what?

  Attractive women are VERY perceptive. They can
usually size a guy up in a matter of SECONDS.

  She KNOWS what's on your mind. And she's going
to take all the clues you give her to decide how
much you like her... and how much of a WUSS you
are as well. (If you have a case of Wuss-itis, and
you literally can't even approach a woman...
nevermind take her on a date, then you should
probably start by reading THIS:

http://www.DoubleYourDatingProgram.com/e/13338/OnBeingAMan/

  Now I'm going to throw you a real curve ball...

  I have friends, who are very good with women,
that take women to NICE dinners all the time. I'm
talking two hundred PLUS dollars for dinner and
drinks ALONE.

  I also have friends who almost NEVER take women
out for so much as a cup of coffee... yet they
have more women than they can handle.

  Is this possible?

  Are the guys who are buying dinner actually
SUCCESSFUL at bribing women with food?

  Or do both techniques work?

  Well, the interesting thing I've found - after
studying this topic for YEARS - is that most guys
who are REALLY GOOD with women have something in
common in this area.

  While some may buy expensive dinners for women,
and some may buy nothing, NONE of them use the
idea of paying for things as "bait" or "bribes" or
"obligation"...

  In other words, it's the INTENTION behind the
actions that comes through loud and clear.

  My friends that take women on dates to
beautiful restaurants would be GOING THERE ANYWAY,
and they just happen to be taking the woman along
with them.

  Or if they open a bottle of expensive wine,
THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN DRINKING IT THEMSELVES.

  I also have to mention here that all of the
guys I know in BOTH camps know how ATTRACTION
works, and how to make women feel attracted to
them REGARDLESS of whether or not they pay for
things.

  To explain this differently, women INSTANTLY
RECOGNIZE it when they're dealing with a man who
feels the need to "buy her attention", and they
usually either play hard to get, or they just
leave.

  You can do anything and have it mean anything.

  There's a way to say "You're beautiful" and
have it mean "You're not at all attractive", and
there's a way to pay for things and NOT have it
say "I'm a needy Wussy who feels the need to buy
you things so you'll like me".

  Get it?

  One of the problems that a lot of guys have is
the real-world issue of money.

  It's expensive to take women out all the time.

  It's expensive to buy flowers and drinks and
gifts.

  And if you're single and dating a lot of women,
it can be out of the question to always be paying
for things.

  Well, the good news is that you don't need to
pay for ANYTHING to be successful with women.

  And the other good news is that if you LIKE to
do nice things and go to nice dinners, THERE IS A
WAY to do these things with women and not give off
the "I don't deserve you, so I'll pay you for your
attention" vibes.

  Think about the following two ways to invite a
woman out to dinner with you:

1) "Can I take you out to dinner on Friday night?"

2) "I'm thinking of going to dinner on Friday at
one of my favorite restaurants, and you should
join me."

  What's the difference?

  The difference is that the first way IMPLIES
that you are TAKING her to dinner.

  The second IMPLIES that you're living your
life, doing your own thing, and being your own
person... and that if she'd like to come along,
she's welcome.

  The second also doesn't make you sound like a
WUSSY.

  So what's my personal opinion of this whole
topic?

  Well, I don't think it's a good idea to start
off with a woman by PAYING for things.

  It's much better to allow her to like you and
feel ATTRACTION for you without the distraction
and expense.

  If you understand how ATTRACTION works, you can
trigger it using your body language and
communication. No money required.

  Then, if you want to enjoy dinner or a drink at
one of your favorite places, INVITE HER TO JOIN
YOU.  Don't ask her if you can "take her out".

  This will make a VERY powerful impression.
Trust me.

- THE FLIP SIDE OF THIS COIN...

  There is another "dark" side to this whole
conversation.

  It's the idea that men feel OBLIGATED or
INDEBTED to a woman when the woman spends time
with them, gives them attention, etc.

  If you're out with a beautiful woman who
OBVIOUSLY has many men who pursue her, it's easy
to get into the mind set of "I have to do extra
things, buy her gifts, and go the extra mile to
compete with the other guys".

  Sometimes emotions come up that make you feel
like you want to "show her" how you feel for her
early on... after only knowing her a short while.

  OR EVEN WORSE, many guys feel like they OWE A
WOMAN SOMETHING BECAUSE SHE'S GONE OUT WITH THEM
AND/OR HAD SEX WITH THEM. And often, this
"something" is either "dinner and gift payments"
or a RELATIONSHIP.

  You must realize that EVEN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
WOMEN IN THE WORLD want MORE than just "payment
for their time".

  Attractive women have dinners, money, and gifts
thrown at them CONSTANTLY. You're not going to do
ANYTHING to make her more attracted to you by
doing these things.

  As you know, I talk a lot about the concept of
ATTRACTION.

  ATTRACTION is the powerful sexual emotion that
you feel when you want to be intimately and
romantically involved with someone of the opposite
sex.

  Men typically feel it when they see a beautiful
woman.

  WOMEN typically feel it when they're in the
presence of a man who knows how to communicate
with that part of her that triggers her ATTRACTION
"mechanism".

  Most guys either don't know this, never figure
it out, or don't pay attention to it.

  Instead of learning how women work, and doing
those things that will trigger her ATTRACTION,
they just make the same mistakes and beat their
heads up against the same walls over and over.

  And they do things like asking women out to
dinner, buying flowers and TRYING TO PAY for
attention.

  It doesn't have to be this way!

  If you're one of the guys who has been paying
for women's attention all your life, then do
yourself a favor right now and STOP IT!