|
76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa
Consumer Probe
Consumer Reporter.....Candice Bergen
Irwin Mainway.....Dan Aykroyd
Consumer Reporter: Good evening, and welcome to the holiday
edition of "Consumer Probe". Our topic tonight is unsafe toys for
children. For instance, this little bow and arrow set. [ holds up ]
Pull the rubber suctions off, and the arrows become deadly missiles.
[ cut to full shot, showing Irwin Mainway seated to Joan's right ]
We have with us tonight, Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Toys.
Uh, Mr. Mainway, your company manufactures the following so-called harmless
playthings: Pretty Peggy Ear-Piercing Set, Mr. Skin-Grafter, General
Tron's Secret Police Confession Kit, and Doggie Dentist. And what about
this innocent rubber doll, which you market under the name Johnny
Switchblade? [ holds up doll ] Press his head, and two sharp knives
spring from his arms. [ demonstrates ] Mr. Mainway, I'm afraid this is,
by no means, a very safe toy.
Irwin Mainway: Okay, Miss, I wanna correct you, alright. The
full name of this product, as it appears in stores all over the county,
is Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk. I mean, nothing goes wrong..
little girls buy 'em, you know, they play games, they make up stories,
nobody gets hurt. I mean, so Barbie takes a knife once in a while, or
Ken gets cut. You know, there's no harm in that. I mean, as far as I
can see, you know?
Consumer Reporter: Alright. Fine. Fine. Well, we'd like to show you another
one of Mr. Mainway's products. It retails for $1.98, and it's called
Bag O' Glass. [ holds up bag of glass ] Mr. Mainway, this is simply a
bag of jagged, dangerous, glass bits.
Irwin Mainway: Yeah, right, it's you know, it's glass, it's
broken glass, you know? It sells very well, as a matter of fact, you
know? It's just broken glass, you know?
Consumer Reporter: [ laughs ] I don't understand. I mean, children could seriously cut themselves on any one of these pieces!
Irwin Mainway: Yeah, well, look - you know, the average kid, he
picks up, you know, broken glass anywhere, you know? The beach, the
street, garbage cans, parking lots, all over the place in any big city.
We're just packaging what the kids want! I mean, it's a creative toy,
you know? If you hold this up, you know, you see colors, every color of
the rainbow! I mean, it teaches him about light refraction, you know?
Prisms, and that stuff! You know what I mean?
Consumer Reporter: So, you don't feel that this product is dangerous?
Irwin Mainway: No! Look, we put a label on every bag that says,
"Kid! Be careful - broken glass!" I mean, we sell a lot of products in
the "Bag O'" line.. like Bag O' Glass, Bag O' Nails, Bag O' Bugs, Bag O'
Vipers, Bag O' Sulfuric Acid. They're decent toys, you know what I
mean?
Consumer Reporter: Well, I guess we could say that all of
your toys are really unsafe and should rightfully be banned from the
market. I guess I would just like to know what happened to the good ol'
teddy bear.
Irwin Mainway: Hold on a minute, sister. I mean, we make a teddy
bear. It's right here. [ picks up giant teddy bear ] It's got a nice
little feature here, you see? I'll hold it up here. We call it a Teddy
Chainsaw Bear. [ revs chainsaw in teddy bear's stomach ] I mean, a kid
plays with saws, he can cut logs with it, you know what I mean.
Consumer Reporter: Well, this is certainly a very sad situation.
One of the precious joys of Christmas warped by a ruthless profiteer
like yourself.
Irwin Mainway: Well, that's just your opinion, you know what I mean?
Consumer Reporter: Well, I just don't understand why you can't make harmelss toys like these alphabet blocks. [ points to blocks ]
Irwin Mainway: C'mon, this is harmless? Alright, okay, you call
this harmless? [ holds block in hand ] I mean.. [ plays with block and
fakes injury ] Aagghh!! I got a splinter in here, look at that! This is wood! This is unsanded wood, it's rough!
Consumer Reporter: Alright, that's enough of this ridiculous display. [ holds toy phone ] Here is another creative toy, safe enough for a baby!
Irwin Mainway: [ grabs phone ] You say it's safe, I mean, look at
this cord.. the kid is on the phone - "Hello? Hello?" - then.. [ twists
cord around his neck, screams, and falls backward in chair ] You know
what I mean? It's an example! You see my point, a dangerous toy like
that?
Consumer Reporter: Well, let's try this one. What about this little foam play ball? I mean, even you, Mr. Mainway, can't find anything dangerous about this. Huh?
Irwin Mainway: [ takes ball, bounces it on table, then shoves it in his throat and feigns choking ]
Consumer Reporter: That's all the time we have for "Consumer Probe" this week.
[ show fades black ]
|
