5.13 You Married Mine
"Daddy,"said the little boy,"I want to get married."
"Oh!"said his father jokingly,"Who did you have in mind?"
"Grandma."said the little boy.
"Wait a minute,"said his father."You didn't think I'd let you marry my mother, did you?"
"Why not?"said the little boy."You married mine."
Little Suzie was in her bedroom when her younger brother knocked on the door.
"Hey! Let me in," he shouted.
"I can't let you in because I'm in my nightgown(女睡衣) and mama says it isn't right for little boys to see little girls in their nightgowns!"
Her little brother thought about this for a moment, then turned to walk away, when Suzie called out from her room. "You can come in now! I took it off!"
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
5.14 Shut Up
Doctor: Please open your mouth, madam.
Lady: Thank you very much, doctor.
Doctor: Why do you thank me?
Lady: Because my husband always asked me to shut up.
one Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "you Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
the astonished Chinese man replied " it was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese." " Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
in return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says " you sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." shocked, Spielberg replies " it was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
the Chinese replies," iceberg, spielberg, carlsberg, you're all the same."
5.15 He is really somebody
A： My uncle has 1000 men under him.
B：He is really somebody. What does he do?
A-：A maintenance man in a cemetery.
A woman was singing. One of the guest criticized the singer to the man beside him.
"What a terrible voice." He said. "Do you know who she is?"
"Yes." the man beside him answered. "She is my wife."
"Oh, I'm sorry." he said. "Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is too bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song."
"I did." said the man.
5.18 But the teacher cried
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"
"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"
5.25 I don't even know that woman
A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman siting on a bench, passionately kissing.
"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.
"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
One day a father was teaching his son and said, "The keys to your success are keeping your word and cleverness. Once you give somebody a promise, you must carry it out on matter what will happen. This is called 'keeping one's words.'
"What is cleverness?" asked his son.
"Cleverness is that you'll never make such a promise, " the father answered.
Thirteen!
A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the
residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence,
looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"You've done the right thing," says Mommy.
"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
Neighbor: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night. What happened to you?
Husband: It was nothing. My wife was a bit cross, and threw my overcoat out of the window.
Neighbor: Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?
Husband: I... I happened to be inside the coat.
5.26 Fat Man and Thin Man
A very thin man met a very fat man in the hotel lobby.
"From your looks," said the fat man, "there might have been a famine."
"Yes," was the reply, "and from your looks, you might have caused it."
5.27 I think that I'm a chicken
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
5.28 His Fault
Billy: Mother, Bobby broke a window.
Mother: How did he do it?
Billy: I threw a rock at him and he ducked
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
A man wanted to buy an ass. He went to the market, and saw a likely one. But he wanted to
test him first. So he took the ass home, and put him into the stable with the other asses.
The new ass looked around, and immediately went to choose a place next to the laziest ass in
the stable. When the man saw this he put a halter on the ass at once, and gave him back to
his owner. The owner felt quite surprised. He asked the man, "Why are you back so soon? Have
you tested him already?" "I don't want to test him any more," replied the man, "From the
companion he chose for himself, I could see what sort of animal he is."
The Looney Bin
疯人院
Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院)one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"
5.31 We Left Nothing
Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door:
NOBODY HOME. DON’T LEAVE ANYTHING.
When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:
THANKS! WE HAVEN’T LEFT ANYTHING!
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
"Waitress," shouted the impatient diner, "do I have to sit here and starve all night?"
"no, sir, we close at nine o'clock."
Two Birds
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
There were two men who went out to eat together. They ordered fish. So on the table there were two fish.
Normally not all the fish are alike in size, so there was one small, and one big. The first man just took
the big one for himself without asking and feeling ashamed, or anything; and ate it. The other friend
felt very disturbed and annoyed, he didn't know what to say. So he thought for a while, and then he said,
" If it were me," I would have taken the smaller one first." So the other guy said," See! I knew that!
That's why I took the big one."
Excited Remarks
Our son, at age of five, had a fascination for motorcycles. The sight of one would always bring forth squeals of delight, accompanied by excited remarks of Look at that! Look at that! I’m going to have one of those someday, his dad’s response always was Not as long as I’m alive.
One day, while our son was talking to a little friend, a motorcycle passed by. He excitedly pointed it out to the boy and exclaimed, Look at that! Look at that! I’m getting one of those as soon as my dad dies.
6.3 Early Shopper
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. What are you charged with? he asked.
Doing my christmas shopping early, replied the defendant.
That's no offense, replied the judge, How early were you doing this shopping?
Before the store opened, countered the prisoner.
