【专题名称】中学外语教与学【专 题 号】G381【复印期号】2006年07期【原文出处】《英语沙龙：实战版》(京)2006年02期第42～44页【作者简介】熊德
北京外国语大学
王杨的原文
The Person Whom(1)I love most
Nearly all of us have some person whom we love most in our minds(2). To me(3), the person whom I love most is my mother. Maybe the emotions between my mother and I(4) couldn't be expressed adequately by limited words, nevertheless, I still(5) want to show you how I am being moved by(6) her.
My mother is sixty years old now. Perhaps you'll be surprise how could my mother be so old while most of your mothers(7) are just in their forties. But, actually, she is really sixty. Let me tell you. (8)
I have(9) an elder brother, but I have never seen him, because he died of cancer when he was fourteen. Nobody could endure the deep sorrow of losing a lively(10) son, so did my mother. (11) A few years later, I came to this world when my mother was forty. Because of her distressing experience, she gives me all her affectionate love throughout twenty years. (12)
My mother is a Chinese teacher(13) in a middle school. Five years ago, she retired when I was still a middle school student.(14)However, she had no choice but to maintain her work(15) in order to afford(16) me to finish my further education. (17)Some of my mother's friends, whose children have been already independent, even many have their grandchildren, are all resting at homes and enjoying their comfortable lives,(18) Yet my mother has to work hard with her poor health. (19)
I remember that, in September last year, she fell down to the ground when she was washing clothes, and she got a fracture of her right arm. Even though, (20) she didn't give up her work. She wrote on the blackboard with her left hand, corrected the students'homework with her left hand. And as aclass teacher,she has to live in school three nights a week. During those times, she did everything only with her left hand. (21) All of us begged her to conva lesce at home. But she said,"If I stay at home, lose my job. But I need this job, Yangyang has just entered the collage. The school fee is so expensive that I have to earn more to afford her education. So. whatever difficulties I will meet, I should persist in my work. It is my responsibility!"(22)
I couldn' t help crying upon hearing those words. I could do nothing to help my mother but study harder and harder. I know that, in this world, the person who loves most is my mother, and the person whom I love most is also my mother-for, what a greatmother I have!
经熊教授修改后的文章
The Person I Love Most
Nearly all of us have someone we love most. The person I love most is my mother. Maybe it will be very difficult to describe our love for each other in a few words, but I will try my best to describe it to you.
My mother is sixty years old now. Perhaps you'll find it difficult to believe that she could be so old while I am only twenty. Actually she is really sixty.Let me tell you why.
I had an elder brother, but I have never seen him because he died of cancer when he was only fourteen. The sorrow of losing one's beloved son is always hard to bear, so you can imagine how much my mother must have suffered. Some years later I came to this world when my mother was already forty. Because of her long years mourning over the death of her first son, my final arrival in this world gave her infinite joy, and for the past twenty years she has been giving me her undivided affection and love.
My mother is a teacher of Chinese in a middle school. Five years ago, she retired when I was still at school. However, she had to continue teaching in order to enable me to finish my education. Most of her friends are now enjoying a comfortable life after retirement, some are even blessed with grandchildren.Yet my mother still has to work hard despite her poor health.
Last September, she had a fall and fractured her right arm. Even do she did not give up her work, though she has to do everything with her left hand; she wrote on the blackboard with her left hand, and corrected the students' homework with her left hand. What's more, as a class teacher, she has to live in at school three nights a week. All of us begged her to rest at home, but she said: "If I stay at home, the school is sure to find another teacher to replace me and maybe I will lose my job. But I need this job as Yangyang has just entered college and the tuition fee is so high. It is my responsibility to see her through college, whatever the diffculties."
I couldn' t help crying upon hearing those words. I could do nothing to help her except to work harder. I know that, in this world, the person who loves me most is my mother, and the person whom I love most is also my mother. To me, she is the greatest mother in the world!
总评：
文章很感人，比较生动地描述了母子情，可怜天下父母心。同时也暴露了目前一个较大的社会问题——过高的学费，虽然文章只是提到这问题，并没有任何评论或深入讨论，而只是着重描写作者的感情，文字也比较通顺。具体修改如下：
(1)虽然从语法上说是完全正确的，但将whom省略掉更为通顺。
(2)inourminds完全可以去掉。想要保留的话应该是在have后面，即：all of us have in our minds some person…
(3)To me是表示作者的一种想法，在这里用得很不恰当。作者最爱自己的母亲并不是其自身的一种想法。参看改写过的文章最后一句。
(4)为什么不把the emotions between my mother and I改为our love for each other?又简单又通顺。
(5)有了nevertheless就不需要再用still事实上整句用一个but开始就可以了。
(6)用moved by her不够，好像是谈别人的事。
(7)文章是写给大家看的，并不是只给自己的同龄人看，所以需要改动。
(8)tell you后面起码加一个why才说得通。
(9)作者哥哥早就去世了所以应该用过去式。
(10)lively是活泼的意思，在这里显然是用词不当。
(11)前面nobody事实上是否定式，所以说so did my mother语法上是错误的，意思也说不通。
(12)本段的最后一句改动比较大，主要是为了文字方面的润色。
(13)Chinese teacher有可能理解为中国老师。
(14)to be at school就是在中学念书的意思。
(15)maintain her work词不达意，是用词不当。
(16)afford是买得起的意思，只能是指东西，而不是指人。
(17)further education或continuing education是指和大学相等的教育。
(18)这句太罗唆，可以简化。
(19)with her poor health显然是错的，可改用despite或in spite of。
(20)显然作者把so和though搞混了。
(21)是重复，应去掉。
(22)母亲的话太长，后面可简化。^
