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他们已经有一段时间对每一件事情都不再有默契了。但是他们仍然爱着对方，仍想理解对方。而他们最需要的就是良好的沟通。 In search of a connecting dialogue, they’ve come to a marriage counselor. Unfortunately, their initial therapy session ended up as a triumph of assumptions and accusations. So much was said in that hour that the distance between them felt insurmountable. It was a tragedy of total misunderstanding and disconnect. 为了能好好地沟通，他们就咨询了婚姻顾问。不幸地是，俩人本是接受婚姻疗法的会面却以猜疑和指责而不欢而散。 She was talking with agitation and intensity as if she had some invisible “keep going” sign in front of her. Words were fast and sharp. Sentences poured out and linked into paragraphs without intermissions. One could sense despair, frustration, and pain. However, with the air in the room boiled by fury, her spouse could not connect, feeling spooked and terrified. She was shouting, reminding him about every way she had been wronged and failed by him. As if living in such agonizing circumstances was not bad enough, she was adding to their mutual pain by reliving each moment of his perceived transgressions in high volume and with screeching pitch. Her narrative was filled with acute judgement and accusations. Her mood, dark and powerful as a tornado, spread its dangerous swirls around him. All he could do was freeze and silently pray for safety. 她说话时一直焦虑不安，就像在她面前有什么不明物驱使着。她的语速急促，声音尖锐，喋喋不休而且丝毫没有停顿。一般人是感到绝望，沮丧和痛苦。但是，房间的空气中充斥着愤怒，她的丈夫无法插进话，深感恐惧和惊吓。她还是一直大嚷，提醒他每一件因他而搞砸的事情。似乎还嫌这样的折磨人的气氛不够遭，她又提高了音量，尖声叫着，描绘她丈夫所做的看似犯罪的行径，从而加深双方的痛苦。她的言语间满是尖刻的批判和指责，这时她的心情，就像威力巨大，令人窒息的龙卷风一样包围着她的丈夫，使其陷入痛苦的漩涡。他所能做的只有保持安静以求平安。 Finally, she was drained of her anger. There was a brief pause in her intense monologue. He shyly took it as a cue for a conversation entry. He began talking, trying to explain his point of view, and perhaps apologize. However, after only a few seconds of listening, her face gained a peculiar look, the way you may look at your domesticated feline who just missed his litter box and made a mess on the floor: “I know this is what you cats do once in a while, but hey, shouldn’t you know better?” 最后，她终于发泄完了怒气。就在这短暂的停顿时刻，她丈夫胆怯地趁此开始谈话。他开始讲话，试着解释他的观点，也可能就是道歉吧。但她只是听了几分钟，脸色就变得很不屑，就像你看到你的宠物猫刚刚跑出了它的小窝，还把地板弄得一团糟质问：“我知道只是刚才猫干的，但你难道不清楚吗？” This implicit judgement was subtle enough that she could not be called on it, yet it was tangible and impossible for him to overlook. The feelings that she silently conveyed were not lost on him: it was contempt infused with condescending love. This toxic mixture stopped him from talking. 这一含蓄轻微的暗示充分表明了她再也忍受不了这话题，但却令他不容忽视。她的沉默表明并没有完全对他失望，而是一种蔑视中混和着卑微的爱。这种复杂的感觉让他停止了谈话。 He began examining the brownish hues of my office carpet with intensity, as if some mystical answer — the cure for all of his marital ambiguities — was right there in front of him in the acrylic threads. It was clear that he was done apologizing and explaining. He no longer felt safe. 他转而紧张地审视我办公室的棕色地毯，好像解决他现在的进退两难的神秘答案就在他面前的纤维上。很清楚地是，他不得不道歉和解释，不再感到安全了。 More accusations and self-serving claims were delivered in the remaining hour by both partners. There were also threats to leave the room, exit the relationship, and fire the counselor for the lack of effective interventions. If I did not know any better, I would think that I was visited by Shrek and the Wicked Witch of the West; that their problem is they belong to different tales, and the only solution is to release them to their separate kingdoms in search of a better match. But they were not mystical creatures. They were honest, caring people who occasionally shouted loudly and forgot to listen. People who loved each other but felt hurt and stuck. 两人在剩下的时间里不断指责对方，为自己开脱，似乎随时都有冲出房间，了断关系，解雇掉我这没有有效干预的顾问。就我看来，我会认为此事置身于怪物史莱克和绿野仙踪，他们的问题就像是两个不同的精灵，唯一的解决方法就是让他们两个好好冷静，以求更好的抗争。但他们并不是神秘生物，只是偶尔会大声嚷嚷，忽视倾听，但诚恳和关心他人。相爱的两人只会感到受伤，关系变僵。 Many lines were crossed in that single hour so it felt it could not get any worse. It was good in some way: Having reached the threshold of interactional nastiness, yet desiring to stay together, left these two with no other choice but to figure out how to improve. Being in dire need of mediation, therapy was a timely intervention for them. 在那个时间里已经倾诉了许多的心里话，不会再遭了。在某些方面也是有好处的：已经到了谈话的糟糕点，但仍希望在一起，那剩下的选择就只有找出改善关系的关键。会面治疗对于急需调解的人来说，是十分适宜的。 Some people think that therapists are for those who don’t know what to do. On the contrary, therapy can be very helpful to those who are quite knowledgeable and intelligent. Feeling overwhelmed and frustrated makes them overly focus on their own violated needs and sense of hurt and ignore their partners’. As a result, many couples struggle with stating problems clearly, putting blame and emotions aside, and begin to dialogue constructively and create solutions. 人们觉得会面治疗是针对那些不知道做什么的人。相反地，它对知识丰富，智慧非凡的人有很大帮助。过度的绝望和沮丧使得他们过分把注意力放在自己不寻常的需要上，从而感到受伤，忽视同伴的感受。结果，许多伴侣挣扎是把问题说清楚，耐心进行谈话，寻求解决方法，还是互相责备，不顾情感。 The couple scenario was an example of a simple but commonly forgotten thing: In conversation, the main goal is to repair and connect, not to accuse and blame. Verbal expression is good for healing, but can be a means of diversion. Words can be carrots as well as sticks. They can connect or break relationships. The same goes for your body language: We can communicate things to others without words. The way you position your body toward or away from your partner, your facial expressions, movement of your hands can all be silent yet powerful communication tools. 这对伴侣的情况说明了一件简单但却通常让人忘记的事情：谈话的主要目的是为了修复关系，加强沟通，而不是指责和怪罪。言语有利于治愈两人关系，但也可能导致分离。话语有利也有弊，既能加深联系也能破坏关系。我们的身体语言也是同一个道理：可以不用语言就能与他人沟通。你亲近或远离你的同伴的方式，面部表情，手的摆动虽不出声但在交流上都是比语言更具有力量。 There was no resolution for this couple at war during their first few visits. But there was increased exhaustion, multiplied regrets, and a growing desire to stop hurting and make things better. These items did not complete the needed relationship repair toolkit, but they were good enough to start. Too tired to fight and play against each other, I hope their questions will increasingly include more of “we” and “us” reflections: What makes us suffer? What makes us better? How do we change? When it comes to “I” and “me” statements, I hope the search for self-justice will include more of: What is it that I wish my partner understood about me and my needs, and how can I communicate this better? 这对伴侣在第一次面谈时就针锋相对，没有任何办法解决问题。但渐渐变得疲倦，有很多遗憾，就有强烈的愿望想停止互相伤害，让局面改善。这些状况虽然并不能完全修复关系，但也是个好的开始。相互之间疲于争吵和针对时，我希望他们的问题可以更多地使用“我们”的字眼：到底是什么让我们痛苦？到底是什么能让我们关系更好？我们要如何改变？当叙述中用到“我”字，我希望自我辩白包括更多地是：我希望我的伴侣能明白的是我和我的需要，还有我能怎样更好地进行沟通呢？ |
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