7 个小诀窍让你知道是不是人家对你说的话不感冒

7 个小诀窍让你知道是不是人家对你说的话不感冒

By GRETCHEN RUBIN

作者：格蕾琴.鲁宾

In a movie I love, a quirky documentary called Sherman’s March, the documentary maker’s former high school teacher tells him, “As people get older, they get more like themselves. And you’re getting more boring.” I’ve never forgotten that.Like most people, probably, I have several pet subjects that I love to talk about – subjects that are sometimes interesting to other people, and sometimes not. Don’t get me started on happiness, or the screening procedures in airports and buildings, or children’s literature, or Winston Churchill, unless you really want to talk about it. (I do manage to be very disciplined about not talking about my children too much, except with grandparents.)

 

有一部我喜欢的电影，是部离奇的记录片，片名为《谢尔曼将军的征程》。片子的制作人上高中时，老师对他说：“人变老以后，会越来越喜欢他们自己，却越来越招人厌。”这句话我铭记在心。也许象多数人一样，我有着自己喜欢谈论的话题-这些话题有时很引人入胜，可有时就不那么招人喜欢。除非你真的很愿意谈，否则就别让我说起关于幸福、机场和大厦的甄别程序、儿童文学或者温斯顿.邱吉尔之类。（我尽量控制自己不要和人家讲太多关于我孩子的事情，除了他们的爷爷奶奶以外）。

I made a list of signs to look for, as indicators that I might be boring someone. Just because a person isn’t actually walking away or changing the subject doesn’t mean that that person is genuinely engaged in a conversation. One challenge is that the more socially adept a person is, the better he or she is at hiding boredom. It’s a rare person, however, who can truly look fascinated while stifling a yawn.

Here are the factors I watch, when trying to figure out if I’m connecting with someone. These are utterly unscientific — I’m sure someone has made a proper study of this, but these are just my observations (mostly from noting how I behave when I’m bored and trying to hide it):

我列下一些显示人家开始点烦我的征兆。人家没有直接走开或者改变话题，并不代表人家对谈话很感兴趣。我遇到的一个难题是，当一个人越是擅长社交，那么他＼她也会越擅长掩饰他们的厌烦。但是，极少有人能在明明无聊到打哈欠时还能装作自己兴趣正浓。

试图弄明白人家是不是在听我说话过程中，通过观察我得到以下少许经验。这些是完全没有科学根据的- 我相信有些人还研究了一下，不过这些仅时我通过观察而自己总结的罢了。（多数是通过观察当我感觉到厌烦时，我会做些什么，怎么去掩饰而得出的）：

1. Repeated, perfunctory responses.

1. 重复、敷衍

A person who says, “Oh really? Oh really? That’s interesting. Oh really?” is probably not too engaged. Or a person who keeps saying, “That’s hilarious.”

当一个人说：“哦，是吗？是吗？那挺好玩的。哦，是吗？”。那他可能对你说的话没什么兴趣。或者一个人不停地说“那很有趣。"

2. Simple questions.

2. 问简单的问题

People who are bored ask simple questions. “When did you move?” “Where did you go?” People who are interested ask more complicated questions that show curiosity, not mere politeness.

当人们对话题不感兴趣时，他们会问些简单的问题。例如“你什么时候去的？”“你去了哪儿？”。如果人们对话题很感兴趣，他们就会饶有兴趣地问些比较复杂的问题，而不单单是礼貌性地问问。

3. Interruption.

3. 打断你说话

Although it sounds rude, interruption is actually a good sign, I think. It means a person is bursting to say something, and that shows interest. Similiarly…

虽然打断人家说话是很不礼貌的，不过我觉得这实际上是一个很好的暗示。它表示人家忍不住想要说些别的有趣点的事了。类似......

4. Request for clarification.

4. 要求澄清

A person who is sincerely interested in what you’re saying will need you to elaborate or to explain. “What does that term mean?” “When exactly did that happen?” “Back up and tell me what happened first” are the kinds of questions that show that someone is trying closely to follow what you’re saying.

如果人家真的对你说的话感兴趣，他会想要你更详尽解释给他听。"那个词其实是什么意思？”“到底是什么时候发生的事情？”“重新说一遍刚开始发生了什么好吗？”这些问题表示人家在很认真地跟着你的思路、听你说话。

5. Imbalance of talking time.

5. 经常性提到时间

I suspect that many people fondly suppose that they usually do eighty percent of the talking in a conversation because people find them fascinating. Sometimes, it’s true, a discussion involves a huge download of information desired by the listener; that’s a very satisfying kind of conversation. In general, though, people who are interested in a subject have things to say themselves; they want to add their own opinions, information, and experiences. If they aren’t doing that, they probably just want the conversation to end faster.

我估计有很多人天真地以为在一场谈话中他们起了百分之八十的作用，因为人们总过高估计自己的吸引力。有时候，的确，一场谈话里听者可以得到很多需要的资讯，那将是一次非常愉快的谈话。一般来说，人们会对些自己能参与其中的话题感兴趣，他们想要说出自己的看法、自己知道的资讯和经验。否则，他们可能希望尽快地结束谈话。

6. Body position.

6. 身体摆放位置

People with a good connection generally turn fully to face each other. A person who is partially turned away isn’t fully embracing the conversation. I pay special attention to body position when I’m in a meeting and trying to show (or feign) interest: I sit forward in my chair, instead of lounging back, and keep my attention obviously focused on whoever is speaking, instead of looking down at papers, gazing into space, or checking my phone.

交谈甚欢的两人通常是面对面交谈。如果一个人把脸侧过去一些，那么他可能不是非常享受这次交谈。当我参加一个会议想要表现(或假装) 很有兴趣时，我会很注意自己的身体位置。我坐在椅子靠前的位置，而不是懒散地靠在椅背上，很注意地看着说话的人，而不是低头看文件、盯着没东西的地方看或者玩手机。

Along the same lines, if you’re a speaker trying to figure out if an audience is interested in what you’re saying:

同样的道理，如果是你在发言，你也可以据此推断人家是不是对你说的话感兴趣。

7. Audience posture.

7.听众的姿势

Back in 1885, Sir Francis Galton wrote a paper in 1885 called “The Measurement of Fidget.” He determined that people slouch and lean when bored, so a speaker can measure the boredom of an audience by seeing how far from vertically upright they are. Also, attentive people fidget less; bored people fidget more. An audience that’s upright and still is interested, while an audience that’s horizontal and squirmy is bored.

回到1885年，弗朗西斯.高尔顿（Francis Galton)先生那年发表了一篇论文“衡量烦躁的程度”。他确定当人感觉到无趣时会无精打彩地斜坐在那里，所以说话的人可以通过看听众的倾斜度来判断他们的烦躁程度。而且，听得认真的人比那些感到厌烦的人要坐得稳，比较少动来动去。一个听众坐得端端正正表明他对你的谈话很感兴趣，而如果他坐立不安则说明对演说者不感冒。

I often remind myself of La Rochefoucauld’s observation, “We are always bored by those whom we bore.” Perhaps unfortunately, I don’t believe it’s always true, but it’s often true: If I’m bored, there’s a good chance the other person may be bored, too. Time to find a different subject.

我常常提醒自己，根据La Rochefoucaluld 的观察显示，“常常让我们感到厌烦的人也讨厌我们。”不幸地是，也许我不相信事情总是这样，但多数情况下的确是这样：如果我感到厌烦了，那另一个人同样也觉得他烦了。是时候该换个话题了。