Is Fear of Failure Holding You Back?

Fear of failure can stop you reaching your potential, says Robert Kelsey.

STORY HIGHLIGHTS

Fear of failure can impact our careers, and our whole lives, argues author Robert Kelsey

Fear can make people set their ambitions low, or extraordinarily high, to mask their insecurities

Kelsey outlines seven steps to overcoming our fears

Editor's note: Robert Kelsey is the bestselling author of "What's Stopping You? Why Smart People Don't Always Reach Their Potential and How You Can."

(CNN) -- Why was it that, while others in your class were happy to study law or go into finance, you wanted to be a popstar? Or maybe you were the rebel: an unruly and disruptive influence the teachers disliked. That said, you could have been the procrastinator -- somehow never getting started -- or the dreamy idler living in an invented parallel universe.

Their commonality? All are signs you are a High-FF: someone with a high fear of failure as I call them in "What's Stopping You?" my book on understanding, accepting and navigating the insecurities that drive career failure.

Robert Kelsey

Fear of failure was first uncovered in the 1960s by psychologists such as John Atkinson. Working at Stanford University, Atkinson conducted a series of experiments on children -- setting them reward-based tasks in order to test their motivation.

He noticed they divided into two camps: those focused on winning the reward, who approached the task with what he called a "need for achievement, " and those focused on their seemingly inevitable failure, who had what Atkinson termed a "fear of failure" based on their desire to avoid the public humiliation of failure.

See also: Is happiness the secret of success?

In one experiment the children played a game of hoop-the-peg, with greater rewards offered for greater distances. The "need for achievement" kids stood a challenging but realistic distance from the peg -- adding concentration if they failed. Those with fear of failure, meanwhile, stood either right on top of the peg or so far back that failure was almost certain.

Of course, those choosing the impossible distance effectively disguised their fear of failure, not least because everyone failed at such a distance. Yet that was the better response. Many of the fear of failure kids became disruptive -- intonating that they didn't care for the game with some even trying to halt the entire process.

Norman Feather (an Australian psychologist) undertook similar experiments and came to similar conclusions, although also found he could manipulate the response by telling the children the task was "very difficult." This encouraged the High-FF kids to continue -- the humiliation of failure having been lowered. And 1970s experiments by Carol Dweck and Ellen Leggett concluded that children were either "mastery oriented, " meaning they were focused on acquiring new skills (and were unconcerned by temporary setbacks), or "ego oriented, " which meant their main concern was to not lose face.

The impact of fear of failure

High-FFs keep their ambitions either low or -- as a mask for their insecurities -- extraordinarily high.

Robert Kelsey

From here, it's easy to see how such a divide can impact our career progression: indeed, our entire lives. High-FFs keep their ambitions either low or -- as a mask for their insecurities -- extraordinarily high (knowing that failing to become a TV star will be kindly judged). It's the challenging but achievable career choices (such as joining the professions) that are avoided by High-FFs.

See also: ambition could make you rich, but not happy

So is there a way out? Not from our fears. Mainstream psychologists deride those -- such as hypnotists and acupuncturists -- that claim they can instantly cure our fears and phobias, stating they simply inject alien personality traits into us. These will eventually be revealed as such, producing an inevitable reckoning. Yet we can learn to accept our fears as part of us, and then navigate their destructive consequences.

To do this, however, we need a plan. So here are my seven steps to overcoming (but not curing) fear of failure.

1. Discover your true values . If those popstar goals are a mask you'll need to go back to square one and calculate what really motivates you. This requires you to establish the values and principles that underline your existence. It's these that should drive your goal setting, not your insecurities.

2. Establish your goals . With your values written down, visualise yourself 10-years' hence. Every detail should be imagined: house, car, partner, office, dog (or cat). Importantly, also focus on the details of your career. What will you do day-to-day, where and with whom? Then ensure it dovetails with your values -- otherwise it will almost certainly fail.

3. Work out the milestones . The 10-year horizon is long-enough to make anything possible: including professional exams. Yet you have to ensure the path you take is the right one. So visualize yourself in five years' time. What has to be in place to ensure the 10-year goals are achievable? Then do the same for two years -- thinking about the needs for the five-year horizon. Then one year. Then six months. Then three months, one month and one week. And what can you do tomorrow to make sure the one-week goal is conquered?

Goals fail without strong execution, while "busyness" can lead us in the wrong direction.

Robert Kelsey

4. Develop a strategy and tactics. Of course, goals fail without strong execution, while "busyness" can lead us in the wrong direction. We need a strategy -- a plan that ensures our actions lead us towards our objectives. So undertake a SWOT analysis: looking at your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats. This should help a strategy emerge because we can execute tactics on our strengths while developing skills to overcome our weaknesses. Meanwhile, we can pursue the opportunities (if goal-focused) and plan to navigate the threats.

5. Execute efficiently. According to Stephen Covey, all activities fall into four boxes: urgent and important, urgent and unimportant, not urgent and important, and not urgent and unimportant. We spend our time on urgent-box activities neglecting the not-urgent-and-important box that is vital for achieving our long-term goals. Yet if we start here, our activities become driven by our goals allowing us to control urgent-and-unimportant activities (otherwise called interruptions) and potentially reframing our not-urgent-and-unimportant activities as refreshing moments where we can enjoy our progress.

6. Deal with people . For High-FFs, other people are a problem. Too often, we become reactive and defensive, or potentially manipulated by people leveraging off our insecurities. Yet dealing with difficult people is possible once we have "developed our compassion" -- i.e. we've stopped seeing the world from our own perspective and, instead, seen it from theirs. If done genuinely, we can then forge win-win strategies that turn potential enemies and barriers to our progress into allies that can help us achieve our goals.

7. Find your unique gift . Still struggling? Just maybe you haven't found your unique gift. Everyone has a special talent or insight that they should first discover and then offer to others. Mine was a curiosity regarding my condition (as a High-FF) and a background in writing. I combined the two to write "What's Stopping You?" What's yours?

作家罗伯特.凯尔西认为，对失败的恐惧会影响你的事业以及你全部的生活。

恐惧能让人们把其野心设置得很低，或者极高，以掩饰他们的不安全感。

凯尔西概括出克服恐惧的7个步骤。

编辑按： 罗伯特.凯尔西是畅销书《什么阻止了你》、《为什么聪明人不总是达到他们的潜能以及你如何能》的作者。

（CNN）当班级里的其他人快乐地学习法律或金融时，你却想成为一名流行歌手，到底是为什么呢？或者，也许是你的反叛（老师不喜欢任性捣乱的学生）。那就是说，你原本可能是个拖拖拉拉的人--不知何故从来没有开始---或者是个生活在发明的平行宇宙里的梦游闲人。

他们的共性？所有的迹象表明你是个High-FF，即怀有高度恐惧感的人，正如在我的《什么阻止了你？》一书里称谓的那样。该书是关于理解、接受、以及导致事业失败的不安全感的。

（ 罗伯特.凯尔西）

失败恐惧感是由20世纪60年代的心理学家约翰.阿特金森等首次发现的。在斯坦福大学工作的阿特金森对儿童进行了一系列的实验---对她们设置有奖励的任务以测试她们的动机。

他注意到孩子们分成了两个阵营：那些专注于赢取奖励的孩子，达到了他称之为“成就需要”的任务；而那些注意力集中在失败似乎不可避免的孩子，身上具备阿特金森称为“失败恐惧”的东西，是基于他们不愿当众失败的耻辱感的东西。

参见：快乐是成功的秘诀吗？

在孩子们玩的一个套桩儿游戏实验中，扔得较远的获得较大的奖励。有“成就需要”的孩子站在一个离柱桩既有挑战性又实际可行的距离----如果失败就会集中注意力。与此同时，那些有失败恐惧感的孩子，所站的位置要么正在柱桩的上方，要么离柱桩很远，以至于失败几乎已成定局。

当然，那些选择不可能的距离的孩子实际上是在掩饰他们对失败的恐惧，因为不是每个人在这样的一个距离就会失败。然而，那是更好的回应。很多有失败恐惧感的孩子变得具有破坏性----阴阳怪气地说他们不在乎游戏，有些甚至试图中断整个过程。

一位澳大利亚心理学家Norman Feather，进行了类似的实验，得出了类似的结论，尽管也发现他能通过告诉孩子们任务“很难”来操纵回应 。这鼓励了High-FF的孩子继续游戏，这样，失败的羞耻感被降低了。 20世纪70年代，Carol Dweck 和Ellen Leggett进行了实验，孩子们或者是“熟练定位”，是指他们集中注意力获取新技能（不在意临时的挫折），或者“自我定位”，是指他们的关注点是不丢脸。

对失败的恐惧的影响

作为一个不安全感的面具，High-FFs让他们的野心要么很低，要么高得出奇。----罗伯特.凯尔西

从这儿，很容易看出这样的分界是如何影响我们的事业发展的：实际上，影响了我们全部的生活。作为一个不安全感的面具，High-FFs让他们的野心要么很低，要么高得出奇（知道不会成为电视明星将得到亲切的判断）。这是一种挑战，但也是可实现的职业选择（例如加入自由职业），避免High-FFs。

参见：雄心能让你富有，但不是快乐。

那么有没有出路？不是从我们的恐惧。主流心里学家嘲笑那些人，例如催眠师和针灸师，因为他们声称会很快治愈我们的恐惧和恐惧症，说他们只需给我们注射人格特质。这些最终会被发现，会不可避免地进行清算。然而我们可以学着接受我们的恐惧作为我们生活的一部分，然后设法通过其破坏性后果。

然而，为了处理好这件事，我们需要一个计划。因此，这是我的克服恐惧的7个步骤（但不是治愈）。

1.发现你真正的价值。 如果流行选手的目标是一张面具，你需要回到起点考虑什么真正激励了你。这需要你建立价值观和原则以强调你的存在。正是这些该推动你的目标设定，而不是不安全感。

2.建立你的目标。 把你的价值观写下来，预测你未来的10年。应该设想到每个细节：房子、车子、搭档、办公室、狗（或猫）。重要的是，也要关注你的职业生涯中的细节。你一天天地在做什么？在哪儿?和谁？然后确保它与你的价值观吻合。否则，它几乎注定失败。

3.制定里程碑。 十年的见识足够长的让任何事情成为可能：包括专业考试。然而你必须确保你走的这条路是正确的。因此设想五年之后的自己。必须适当地做什么以确保10年的目标实现？然后同样的事情做两年----想想五年目标需要什么。然后一年。然后六个月。然后三个月，一个月，一个周。你明天能做什么保证实现一周的目标？

4.发展的战略和战术。 当然，没有强有力的执行，目标会失败，而“忙碌”能让我们误入歧途。我们需要一个战略---一个保证我们的行动带领我们实现目标的计划。因此，进行SWOT分析：看看你的优势，缺点，机会，威胁等等。这应该有助于一个战略出现，因为我们能依靠我们的优势执行战术，同时发展技能来克服我们的缺点。与此同时，我们可以寻求机会（如果目标集中)和计划摆脱这些威胁。

5.高效执行。 跟据史蒂芬. 柯维的理论，所有的活动分为四个盒子：紧急而又重要的；紧急而不重要的；不紧急而重要的；不紧急也不重要的。我们把时间花在紧急的盒子上而忽视了不紧急但重要的盒子----一个能实现我们的长期目标的至关重要的盒子。然而如果我们从那儿开始，我们的活动由我们的目标驱动着，允许我们控制紧急而不重要的盒子（否则中断）潜在地重新构想我们的不重要也不紧急的活动作为恢复活力的时刻，此时我们可以享受我们的进步。

6.与人打交道。 对High-FFs的人来说，别人是个麻烦事儿。我们过于频繁地反应和防守，或者可能被那些充分利用了我们的不安全感的人操纵。然而一旦和困难群众打交道，我们就会“开发我们的同情心”，即我们已经不从自己的视角看世界，相反，从他们的视角看。如果真正做到，那么我们就能锻造双赢战略，它能把我们潜在的敌人和我们进步的障碍转化成同盟，帮助我们实现目标。

7.找出你独特的天赋。 还在挣扎？也许你只是还没有发现你独特的天赋。每个人都有特殊的天分和洞察力，他们应该最先发现然后提供给他人。关于我的情况（作为一名High-FF），我的是好奇心和写作背景。我结合了这两项写了《什么阻止了你？》和《你的是什么？》