RelationshipsTheNeedforRelationshipsExtremelyhappypeople(Die
ner&Seligman,2002)KnowthyselfLasagnaprinciplerevisitedEx
traversionandintroversion(Little,1993)Intimaterelationships
“Therearefewstrongerpredictorsofhappinessthanaclose,nu
rturing,equitable,intimate,lifelongcompanionshipwithone’sb
estfriend.” DavidMyersStateofAffairsDivorceratesFa
iluretosustainloveNoveltyproducesheightenedarousal(Mook,
1987)Whoisthefairestofthemall?FictionVersusRealityDoes
truelove(really)exist?FictionVersusRealityDoestruelove
(really)exist?“Perfectloveisrareindeed—fortobealoverwi
llrequirethatyoucontinuallyhavethesubtletyoftheverywis
e,theflexibilityofthechild,thesensitivityoftheartist,t
heunderstandingofthephilosopher,theacceptanceofthesaint,
thetoleranceofthescholarandthefortitudeofthecertain.”
LeoBuscagliaPerfectlovedoesnotexist…Truelovedoes
exist…ReframingQuestions:TheCaseofRelationshipsTraditional
psychology“Whydosomanylong-termrelationshipsfail?”Positi
vepsychology“Whatmakessomerelationshipsthriveandgrowstro
ngerovertime?”LearningfromWhatWorks“Atfirst,whenIfigur
edouthowtopredictdivorce,IthoughtIhadfoundthekeytos
avingmarriages...Butlikesomanyexpertsbeforeme,Iwaswro
ng.IwasnotabletocrackthecodetosavingmarriagesuntilI
startedtoanalyzewhatwentrightinhappymarriages.”
JohnGottman“Celluliteandsexualpotentialarehighlycorre
lated.” DavidSchnarchGrowingTipStatisticsWorking
hardStrivingtobeknownratherthanvalidatedAllowingforcon
flictAppreciatingthepositive1.WorkingHardCultivatingversu
sFindingMoviesendwherelovebeginsLivinghappilyeveristhe
difficultpartThe“onerightperson”theoryCultivatingthe“on
echosen”relationshipBeingTogetherByDoingTogetherSuperordi
nategoal(Sherif,1958)Mutuallymeaningfulgoals“Inthestrong
estmarriages,husbandandwifeshareadeepsenseofmeaning.T
heydon’tjust‘getalong’—theyalsosupporteachother’shopesa
ndaspirationsandbuildasenseofpurposeintotheirlivestoge
ther.” JohnGottmanActiveloveRelationshiprituals2.Bei
ngKnownRatherthanValidatedIntimacyaskeytolong-termpassi
onOpenup,share,revealExpress,notimpressAlsogettoknowy
ourpartner(lovemaps)BeingKnownRatherthanValidated“Intima
cyisaboutlettingyourselfreallybeknown,includingpartstha
tyouoryourpartnerdon''tlike.Butit''snotjustaboutlettin
g"warts"beknown.Itofteninvolvesshowingstrengthsyou''veb
eenhiding,too.Mostapproachesfocusongettingyourpartner''s
validationandacceptancewhenyoudisclose.Butyoucan''tcoun
tonthis,andifyoutry,itinherentlylimitsself-disclosureb
ecauseyouwon''tsaythingsyourpartnerwon''tvalidate.Resolvi
nggridlockrequiresintimacybasedonvalidatingyourself.
Schnarch(1997)3.AllowingforConflictNoonerightrelations
hip(Gottman,2000)5:1positivityratioConflictimmunizesAccen
tuatepositive; don’teliminatenegativeLoveBoostersL
oveisinthedetailsMiniloveboosters“60-secondpleasurepoin
ts”(Fraenkl,2007)ExtraordinarybyfocusingonordinaryDemonst
rateinterestShowaffection(touch,smile,flowers…)Paycomplim
ents“Icanlivefortwomonthsonagoodcompliment.” Mar
kTwainDemonstrateempathyMakelovePositiveConflictAffective
ratherthancognitiveconflictChallengingbehavior,notperson
P:“Youaresoinconsiderate”B:“Doyoumindputtingdowntheto
iletseatwhenyou’redone?”P:“Youaresuchaslob;youpromise
dtothrowawaythegarbage;Ican’ttrustyou.”B:“Itupsetsm
etoreturntoadirtyhome,afterweagreedthatyouwouldthrow
awaythegarbage.”PositiveConflictAffectiveratherthancogni
tiveconflictChallengingbehavior,notpersonAvoidinghostility
,insults,contemptKeepingdisputesprivateConflictingaycoup
les(Gottman,2001)Morepositive,usinghumorandaffectionNot
takingnegativitypersonallyCalmdownandsootheoneanotherThe
TitaniumRule“Donotdountothoseclosetoyouwhatyouwould
nothavedoneuntoothers(who’renotsoclosetoyou).”DeepFri
endship“Attheheartofmyprogramisthesimpletruththathapp
ymarriagesarebasedonadeepfriendship.BythisImeanamut
ualrespectforandenjoymentofeachother’scompany.Thesecou
plestendtoknoweachotherintimately—theyarewellversedine
achother’slikes,dislikes,personalityquirks,hopes,anddream
s.Theyhaveanabidingregardforeachotherandexpressthisf
ondnessnotjustinthebigways,butinlittlewaysdayinandd
ayout.” JohnGottman4.PositivePerceptionBenefitfindi
ng(appreciating)Positiveillusions(Murray,1997)Aself-fulfil
lingprophecy(benefitcreating)“Notonlydoesloveperceivepot
entialitiesbutitalsoactualizesthem.” AbrahamMaslowRe
focusingonthePositiveWhatamIgratefulforinmypartner?W
hatiswonderfulaboutourrelationship?CommunicatingaboutPosi
tiveEvents(Gableetal.,2006)Respondingtopositive-event-dis
closuresActiveconstructiverespondingCommunicatingaboutPosit
iveEvents(Gableetal.,2006)Respondingtopositive-event-disc
losuresActiveconstructiverespondingWin-wineventsGenuineres
pondingGeneratingupwardspirals(promotingpositive)Buildingp
ositivecapacity(dealingwithnegative)Bem,D.J.(1996).Exo
ticBecomesErotic:ADevelopmentalTheoryofSexualOrientation.
PsychologicalReview,103(2),320-335)Branden,N.(1985).Th
ePsychologyofRomanticLove.BantamFraley,R.C.&Shaver,P
.R.(2000).AdultRomanticAttachment:TheoreticalDevelopments
,EmergingControversies,andUnansweredQuestions.ReviewofGe
neralPsychology,4(2),132-154.Gottman,J.M.(2000).TheSe
venPrinciplesforMakingMarriageWork:APracticalGuidefromt
heCountry’sForemostRelationshipExpert.ThreeRiversPress.
Murray,S.L.,&Holmes,J.G.(1997).Aleapoffaith?Positiveillusionsinromanticrelationships.PersonalityandSocialPsychologyBulletin,23,586-604.Schnarch,D.(1998).PassionateMarriage:KeepingLoveandIntimacyAliveinCommittedRelationships.OwlBooks.Sternberg,R.J.&Barnes,M.L.(1989).ThePsychologyofLove.YaleUniversityPress.BibliographyandRecommendations |
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