我们的节日贺信-抱歉小孩不会写中文，更抱歉大人不会写中文也不会写英文：，
Dear Friends, Family, and People We Sort-Of Know (But Not Really),
We hope that all of you are healthy and happy during this holiday season. Don’t worry, we also wish you well during other times of the year, but this is just the only time of the year where we have time to put these thoughts in written form. Yes, you read that right! We! For the first time since...that one time when my sister was a co-author and I mostly deleted everything she wrote because she was too kind, this letter will have contributions from everyone! Mom, Dad, the cats, the numerous dust bunnies around the house, and special guest author E. L. James!*
I just got off the phone with her agent. She has declined our generous offer to contribute to this letter because she is hard at work at her next novel: another brave exposé of the controversial and frightening world of the paint swatches section of Home Depot.
Also, I was just kidding. No one else is actually going to contribute text to this letter. They’re all citing perfectly good excuses, such as, “I’m busy,” or “I don’t want to,” or (gesturing to a button-down shirt) “Why do you need a shirt like this? This looks like a man’s shirt. Do women really wear shirts like this? I’m going upstairs now.”
Traditionally, this is the point in the letter where I write little blurbs about everyone in the family. And because I lack imagination, that’s exactly what’s going to happen next.
Dad is doing wonderfully. One of my fondest memories this past year was driving him to some random hill in Berkeley so he could learn how to make mead. Yes, mead. A drink that I thought only existed in Harry Potter books.
Mom took a Diagnosis by Image quiz today and got an astounding 10% correct. Then she went back and guessed on the others and ended up with 40% correct. She would like to point out that there are 10 questions total, and she is currently on her fourth attempt to get all of the questions correct. So she’s doing great. She does not enjoy reading books on her Nook** because she believes that paper books reigns supreme, but she does enjoy playing recordings of TV shows about cats to see how our cats react to them.
Siu-Wei is busy working two jobs, so there have been complaints that she hasn’t been seen around the house very much. We are all very proud of her and are eager to see where she’ll be in the next year. Seriously. We really want to know.
Siu-Yuan is back home for the holidays and hates what this weather is doing to her hair. She is enjoying spending time with her cats and feels only mildly awkward referring to herself in the third person.
Waigong is staying active physically and mentally, and is the idealized version of the wise old man who guides a protagonist to victory in any fantasy novel or movie. When asked, he said his favorite element used to be fluorine, but, “it’s retired now.” He reads Time, Newsweek, Smithsonian, New York Times, National Geographic, as well as many smart-person books that would make him a delightful guest at dinner parties. Unfortunately we’re not that good at those so this muscle has gone unexercised.
I’m assuming that by now you’re pretty bored. I’m the first to admit we’re not that interesting of a family. Mom is the second, having uttered earlier, “Wow. None of us are very interesting.” What terrific insight, Mom. Luckily, this letter is about to come to a close. But first, I want to talk about my cats.
The cats are too cute! They are ridiculously soft and fluffy. Waigong is best friends with Chopin, but when he wants her to go away, he brandishes a cane that he keeps in his room (for fun, obviously) and Chopin runs away! Poor cat. Sable remains chubby, but has become much nicer. She likes to give massages but uses too much claw. She’s learning.
That’s all folks. See you next year. Unless there is no next year (I’m writing this on the 20th). But I’m certain there will be.
*Mom: What?! E. L. James? We don’t have E. L. James! Isn’t that the Fifty Shades of Grey author? I don’t want her writing our letter!
** This used to read, “She enjoys reading...” but then Mom said, “I DO NOT like reading on the Nook! I only do it as a last resort!”
|
