7 Steps to Closure When a Friend Dumps You
7种方法让你应对被朋友抛弃
By Therese J. Borchard
I think we’ve all been dissed by a friend at least once in our lifetime, right?
我想我们的一生中至少会有一回会被朋友鄙视羞辱，对吗？
Recently I’ve had two people remove me as a friend on Facebook. Like that feels good. Was it my annoying status updates? The singing video that I uploaded (“A Few of My Favorite Things” … check it out )? I know I was off-key. Oh, the picture of the old lady that I posted and said it was me. You are that old lady? Geez… Sorry.
最近，我被两个脸谱网上好友删除了。喜爱总让人感到愉快。是不是我的令人恼火的个人资料？是不是我上传的歌曲视频（《我最爱的事》...检查下）？（这首是《音乐之声》中的插曲-----译者注）我知道我唱歌跑调。哦，是我贴出来说是我自己的那张熟女照片？你是那位年长的女士？唉......对不起。
Frankly I don’t know what’s worse: the e-mails and the phone calls that aren’t returned, or the letter (or really painful conversation) explaining why the friendship is toxic and needs to be terminated. It all feels the same: REJECTION. Like you’re back in the sixth grade again, with bad acne, and the boys want to date your pretty and popular twin sister (that’s when my self-esteem issues started).
坦诚讲，我不知道怎样才是更糟：电邮、电话不回，信（或者说那些痛苦的对话）说明了这友谊是有毒的，需要终止。所有的感觉是：被拒绝。就好像你又回到了六年级，脸上长着痘痘，所有和男孩都想和你漂亮又受欢迎的胞妹约会（就是那时起我开始伤自尊了）。
At any rate, there are ways you can get closure even when you don’t know why you’ve been dumped. Here are a few I try (every time I’m removed from someone’s friend list on Facebook).
无论如何，你有很多方法可以结束这些即使你自己也不明原因的被抛弃。下面是（每次我被脸谱网的好友删除时）我试的一些方法。
1. Compose a good-bye letter.
1.撰写一封分手信
Of course, no one is going to read it. But that’s not the point. The exercise of writing it is astonishingly therapeutic. I’ve written many old boyfriends letters that I never sent, some family members, and my father after he died. I needed a way to communicate that was for purely selfish reasons. So that I could hear myself say good-bye to this person that I really liked, or loved, or enjoyed having as a Facebook friend.
当然，没人会读它。但是这不重要。写信的过程有着惊人的放松作用。我写了许多给前男友的信，给亲戚家人的信，给去逝父亲的信，但从没发送。我需要一个自私的，可以沟通的方式。这样，我可以听到我自己对我喜欢或深爱的人说再见，或者享受作为一个网友曾经拥有的美好。
2. Pluck out the feeling.
2.铲除坏情绪
Sometimes feelings need a little nudging in order for us to acknowledge and process them. It’s like they are seeds stuck in a shell, and we need to scoop them out in order to free them. Some helpful exercises for scooping out the seeds of rejection and sadness from a terminated friendship: looking through pictures of trips together or graduation from high school or college, listening to songs that trigger memories, or frequenting the coffee shop where you used to meet. They all help you to mourn an ending.
有时情绪需要一点刺激才促使我们作出反映和处理它们。就像卡在壳里的种子，我们要铲出它们从而释放它们。一些有益的做法，可以铲除结束友情后被拒和忧郁的情绪种子：翻看高中或大学时一起远足或毕业的照片，听能唤起回忆的音乐，或光顾你们过去常去见面的咖啡厅。这些都能帮你向终结致哀。
3. Plan a ritual.
3.设计一个仪式
I know this sounds voodoo-ish, actually that’s a step I’m getting to. But seriously, it’s not like you have a funeral to go to, or any way of moving through this in a symbolic way that can help you process your emotions. So you’re going have to create one … a ceremony of sorts.
我知道这听起来有点像巫术之类，实际上这是我正要实施的一个步骤。但是说真的，这并不像是去参加葬礼或是象征性的方法帮你调整情绪，渡过这些。所以，你要创造设计一个这类的仪式。
After it was clear to me that an old boyfriend in college was simply not into me, I took the beautiful poem that he wrote me to a cemetery on the campus of Saint Mary’s College. I knelt there, ripped up the poem, and threw the pieces of paper into the air, crying (really hard). The most amazing thing happened. It started snowing. Right at that very second. It was like the heavens heard my cry, and the angels were tearing up sheets of paper right along with me. You don’t need the snow to feel better, though. Just the ripping should move you to a better place.
当我很清楚一个大学时的前男友并不是很喜欢我，我把他写给我的诗带到了圣玛丽学院的墓地里。我跪拜它，然后撕了它，把碎片洒向空中，大声痛哭。最神奇的事情发生了。正在那时那刻，开始下雪了，这就像天堂听到了我的哭声，天使和我一起撕碎纸片。当然，你不需要下雪来缓解情绪。是那些撕毁让你感到舒服许多。
4. Fill the space with something new.
4.把空白用新东西填满
This is true for any loss. When I stopped drinking I had to come up with some sober activities ASAP. Ditto when I stopped smoking. And on down the addiction list … It always feels uncomfortable at first. That’s a good sign. It means you are processing emotions, which is part of closure. If it felt cozy, then I’d say you weren’t doing it right. But change can be fun and challenging at the same time. And you’re allowed to use four lettered words if you don’t like it at first, unless you’ve given those up too.
这对任何失去都有用。当我停止喝酒后，不得不尽快想出一些清醒的活动。当我停止吸烟时同上。从嗜好表从上至下开始。一开始总是感到不舒服。这是个好兆头。这说明你正在调整情绪，这是终结的一部分。如果你感到很惬意，那我告诉你，你做的不正确。但改变能同时带来乐趣和挑战。你现在可以允许自己说脏话，如果你开始不喜欢的话，除非你也已经放弃了这些。
5. Get even.
5.报复
Here’s where the voodoo comes in handy. Only kidding, of course, but I did tell Holly that if that bridesmaid/friend who dissed her (Holly) after the wedding comes begging for friendship later, when the chick is on husband number two, Holly has every right to dis her right back.
这才是用得上的巫术。开玩笑，当然，我告诉过霍莉，如果伴娘或朋友在她婚后嘲笑她祈求友情，当这个家伙再结婚时，霍莉完全有权再嘲笑回去。（这段我理解的有点迷迷糊糊，请高人不吝赐教，谢谢~----译者）
6. Make a plan.
6.做个计划
I don’t really advise getting even, but I do recommend you think about what you might do if the friend comes begging back. Because it happens. Or you run into her at the bank or the grocery, and your mouth opens but no noise comes out. Best to have a script, to think it through: if this person wants into my life again, should I let her? That’s a hard one. Go back and view my video in order to answer that question. I ask myself this: Does the relationship empower me, or deflate me? Does this person build me up or tear me down? And can I be sincere–truly sincere–when I’m with her?
我并不是真的建议报复，但我推荐你想想万一朋友又回来怎么办。因为这样的事发生过。或者你在银行或杂货店偶遇到她，你张嘴了却没发出声来。最好是设计个剧本，想出个结局：如果这个人又想走入我的生活，我同意吗？这是一个难题。回去看看我的视频才能回答这个问题。我问自己：这样的友谊能让我掌握自主权吗，或者只能让我泄气？这个人是让我更自信还是击垮了我？我和她在一起能绝对的诚心诚意吗？
7. Stay with the pain.
7.和痛苦呆在一起
You knew I was going here, because I always do. Back to Henri Nouwen’s words, about staying with the loneliness, about feeling it, not rushing into activity to skip over it … about going through it, not around it. He writes:
你知道我现在的处境，因为我总是这样。回到亨利.卢云的话上，关于与寂寞为伴、关于感受孤寂，而不是急着动起来跳过它......关于渡过它，而不是围绕它。他是这样写的：
It is not easy to stay with your loneliness. …. But when you can acknowledge your loneliness in a safe, contained place, you make your pain available for healing.
与你的孤独相处并不容易......但是当你感知到你与孤独处于一个安全的包容的位置时，你就可以从痛苦中恢复。
