We assume saying sorry will help to mend fences, but do we over-estimate the power of apology? 我们以为说对不起能够修补关系，但是我们高估了道歉的力量了吗？ Barely a week goes by without one or other public figure apologizing for a disaster of monumental proportions. There's an endless parade of politicians, business leaders, celebrities and others appearing on TV and in print, to own up and say sorry for what they've done wrong. 大约一周过去了也没有一位或者别的公众人物出来为灾祸的大部分责任而道歉。后来数不清的政客，商界领导，名人和其他人出现在电视报刊上，承认自己的错误，对自己做错的事情表示歉意。 We've come to expect this: just as night follows day, so public apology follows misdemeanor. Sometimes these apologies seem genuine and heartfelt, other times they're perfunctory and insincere. 现在我们就在想了：就像黑夜跟随着白天一样，公开的道歉总是在错误发生之后。有些时候那些道歉看上去像真心诚挚的，有些时候则感觉他们在例行公事，一点都不诚恳。 The penitent hope their red-faced admissions of guilt will bring absolution, but can saying sorry really be enough to restore their credibility? 忏悔者希望自己红着脸坦白罪过能够带来宽恕，但是说一句对不起真的能重塑他们的公信力吗？ High expectations 高期望 In private life we also have very high expectations of the power of saying sorry. Most of us were brought up in a culture of apology: children must say sorry when they do something wrong and grown-ups must apologize if they bump into each other in the street. 在私人生活当中，我们同样对于道歉有着高期望值。大部分人都在道歉文化中成长：孩子们必须说对不起当他们做错事情，大人们必须道歉如果他们在路上撞到别人。 Just how high these expectations are is demonstrated by Dutch psychologist David De Cremer and colleagues in a new study published in Psychological Science (De Cremer et al., 2010). They had a hunch that receiving an apology isn't as powerfully healing as we'd like to imagine. 在《心理科学》（德·克雷默，2010），荷兰心理学家大卫·德·克雷默和他的同事在一项新的研究中阐述了这些期望值有多高。他们预感到其实接受道歉并没有我们想象当中那么有效果。 In their study participants played a trust game. Each was given €10 and paired up with a partner, who was actually in on the experiment. Participants were told if they gave all the cash to their partner, it would be tripled, then their partner would decide how much of the €30 to share with them. 在他们的研究当中，参与者参与到一个名叫“相信”的游戏当中。每个人都拿出10欧元，然后跟一个搭档配对起来，这些人其实就是被测验的人。参与者被告诉说如果他们把所有的现金都给他们的搭档，这些钱就会在翻三番，然后他们的搭档会决定这30欧元里分多少给他们。 In fact the experimental insider only gave back €5, so the participants felt cheated. This setup meant the experimenters could test the effects of an apology. However, only half the participants received an actual apology while the rest just imagined receiving one. 事实上这些实验内部知情者只还给他们5元，参与者觉得自己被骗了。这个安排意味着实验者可以测试道歉的作用。然而，只有半数的参与者收到了确切的道歉，剩余的都假想自己已经收到了。 Participants then rated either the imagined apology or actual apology on a scale of 1 to 7 on the basis of how "reconciling" and "valuable" it was. Participants who merely imagined the apology thought it would be an average of 5.3. But those who actually received the apology only gave it a 3.5. 参与者对假想的道歉以及真实的道歉根据“将就”或“珍贵”的程度从1到7进行排序。那些仅仅是假想了道歉的参与者还打了一个平均分5.3分，但是对于那些确实收到道歉的参与者来说，平均分仅仅是3.5分。 This confirmed the experimenters' suspicions that people consistently over-estimated the value of an apology. When their cheating partner actually said sorry, it was never as good as they would have imagined. 这证实了实验者关于人们一直都高估了道歉价值的假想。当欺骗他们的搭档真的道歉的时候，这歉意真的没有像他们想象中的那样好。 Sorry is just the start 道歉只是个开始 This finding mirrors our experience of public apologies. We believe a wrong must be righted and have high expectations of an apology, but they have a tendency to disappoint. 这个发现让我们明白公开道歉却效果不良的原因。我们相信错的必须纠正过来，并且我们对于道歉有很高的期望，但是公众却总是倾向于失望。 It's certainly not true to say that apologies are useless. Apologies acknowledge the existence of social rules and the breaking of those rules. If sincere, apologies can help restore the dignity of the victim and the standing of the transgressor. 当然说道歉一点作用都没有也是错的。道歉对于社会规则的存在以及这些规则的违背有着约束作用。如果真心诚意的道歉，道歉能够帮助重塑违背者在受害者心中的尊严以及名望。 People are much better off to apologize and take responsibility for their actions than try and make excuses or deny they've made a mistake. Psychological research backs up the everyday intuition that excuses and denials just irritate others. 那些为自己行为道歉并且承担责任的人比那些试着找借口或者否认他们犯过错的人强多了。心理学上的研究证实了我们日常的直觉，借口和否认只会激怒别人。 While apologies serve a useful function as a first step, we easily over-estimate the work they can do in repairing a relationship. That is why it is so irritating when public figures apologize, and then act like the matter is finished. 当道歉首先起到作用的时候，我们很容易高估了我们重新修复一段关系的能力。这就是为什么公众人物道歉之后总是那么让人不快，因为他们表现得跟事情已经彻底解决了一样。 It's worse when we can clearly see that someone has been forced into apologizing and that the apology itself is insincere. We often detect this kind of attempted deception and discount the apology. 更糟糕的是我们可以清楚的看见有些人是被强迫给予道歉，并且这个道歉一点都不真诚。我们通常能够发现这种有意图的欺骗并且将道歉的诚意大打折扣。 Insincere apologies 真诚的道歉 In a strange twist, though, people are less able to detect insincerity when apologies are directed at them. 一个很奇怪的转变，尽管，当面道歉，人们更加不容易发现不诚恳。 According to a series of studies conducted by Risen and Gilovich (2007), observers are harsher on an insincere apology than the person at whom it is directed. Perhaps this helps explain why people almost always accept an apology aimed directly at them, whether it's offered sincerely or not. We want to believe it's sincere, however much we might feel afterwards that it hasn't really worked. 根据Risen和Gilovich做的一系列研究表明，观察者对于不诚恳的道歉比道歉所针对的人更加严格一点。可能这就解释了为什么道歉直接针对的对象一般都会接受道歉，不管这道歉是否来的真心诚意的。我们想要去相信这是真诚的，但是事后我们总是会觉得有那么一点无效。 It's similar to when someone is flattering us. Those watching can tell it's flattery, but we tend to think it's genuine because it makes us feel good about ourselves. 这就像有人奉承我们时候的感觉。那些眼神告诉我们这其实就是奉承，但是我们会倾向于去相信这是真的因为那会让我们对自己感觉良好。 In contrast, Risen and Gilovich found that observers tend to spot an insincere apology more easily and are likely to reject it. This mirrors the situation when we are watching a public figure apologizing. The slightest whiff of insincerity and we quickly discount the whole thing. 相比之下，Risen和Gilovich发现观察者倾向于更加容易发现不真诚的道歉，然后拒绝。这反映了我们观看一个公众人物道歉时的状态。一点不真诚的气息我们都将会否认整个事情。 Not only do insincere apologies fail to make amends, they can also cause damage by making us feel angry and distrustful towards those who are trying to trick us into forgiving them. 不真诚的道歉不仅不能改善关系，而且还会激怒我们导致事情恶化，并且将不再信任那些试着设圈让我们原谅他们的人。 Even sincere apologies are just the start of the repair process. Although we expect the words "I'm sorry" to do the trick, they don't do nearly as much as we expect. 即使真诚的道歉也只是修复关系的开始。尽管我们期望“对不起”这三个字能够起到作用，但是他们总是没有我们所预期的那样有效果。 |
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