|
【编者语】身为华人的后代在美国长大是怎样一种体验？他们喜欢还是厌倦自己的华裔身份？对中国文化又抱着何种态度？作为幼小的美生中国人（ABC）的父母，我们未必很了解；但这个问题，却关系着我们的孩子，尤其是青春期的孩子，每一天的心情、对自我的认知、对朋友的选择，甚至对世界的看法。这篇文章的作者Emily Zhao是一位在美国成长目前在香港中文大学做交换学生的ABC。在回答教授关于为何修习“当代中国的社会问题”课时，她坦白且深刻地剖析了自己的心路历程。以下便是她的答卷，及中文翻译。这段文字给我们清晰地展现了青年ABC的内心世界，也提醒华人父母对子女将面对的internalized racism（内化种族歧视）早做思考。
Growing up as a person of color in the West, it is easy to develop a strong sense of internalized racism. I saw it all the time – on the internet, in my peers, in the children I taught for four years at a local elementary school, and in myself. As a young child born and raised in San Diego, California, I made conscious and impassioned efforts to make sure people understood that I was separate from my parents; they were Chinese, but I was not. I was American. In middle school and early high school, I would feel embarrassed when people spoke negatively about China, as if by doing so, they were pointing out some fundamental character flaw in me, like they had examined me and found me lacking. At the same time, I would feel an unidentifiable discomfort with that embarrassment, some niggling sense of wrongness that I kept to myself and didn’t have the guidance to understand. It wasn’t until my sophomore year of high school, speaking frankly with another Chinese-American girl who felt the same as I did, that I realized it was anger – I was angry that I had been made to feel ashamed of my heritage, something as intrinsically beautiful as being Chinese. Forthose who have never dealt with such deep-rooted internalized racism, this sort of understanding might not seem like anything earth-shattering, but for me, it was a revelation. Within the year, I sought to better learn the language, the culture, and the history of China. I asked my parents more questions about their childhoods. I read Chinese folklore in my spare time, and celebrated every Chinese holiday with gusto. I convinced my mother that my younger sister and I should each learn one Chinese instrument to accompany our western instruments. I dove headfirst into the culture like I was making up for all the lost time I wasted being ashamed – consuming the culture and being prideful of it, ravenous and unapologetic. Concurrently, I also learned what the term “internalized racism” was. The sources that I learned about this concept from also exposed me to other issues – about sexism, classism, ableism, homophobia – all things I knew superficially to be bad, but had no understanding of on a systemic level. Over the next five years, I began learning whatever I could on these issues, critiquing media in front of my younger sister (who, consequently, began her social justice awareness far younger than I), and incorporating my knowledge of these issues into my academic education. Intersectionality became an important aspect of my understanding of social justice, and one result of this was that I started to critically examine my own opinions and the limitations of my perspective as a “Western feminist”. Thisconcern, combined with my interest in China and Chinese culture, made me very curious about social issues in China. But most literature on the subject was in Chinese, which I was not advanced enough in my language skills to understand, and many of the English articles I read were not written by actual Chinese people, which made me wary. That is why, during my time studying abroad in Hong Kong, I endeavored to become educated on Chinese social issues, from the mouths of Chinese people – people whom I love, instinctively, not just on a human level but a personal one, because for so long I was conditioned to believe that I should not. That is why it can be difficult for me sometimes in this class, when I hear people say things during small group discussions like, “Chinese people are very greedy” or, “These types of problems don’t exist in my country; China is so backwards,” because it harkens back to those middle school and high school days, when I heard similar things and did not understand the roiling in my stomach. It rouses in me an immediate defensiveness, an instinctual urge to protect these beautiful people and this beautiful country. But I know that while I am learning, others are learning as well, and even when people make these kinds of comments, we are all here in this course, so we must all care. And I am working to battle that instinctive protective urge in favor of remembering that criticism of a system is necessary and important and valid, even when that criticism comes from “outsiders”. After all, I, too, am an outsider – but I am an outsider who is trying. I am taking the course and listening and reading and learning. I am here because I care, and I care very much. 【译文】
对于一个从小在西方长大的非白人来说，很容易就形成强烈的内化种族歧视（internalized racism）。我到处都能看到这种歧视：在网络上，在我的同龄人中，在我教了四年的小学孩子们身上，包括在我自己身上。作为一个在圣地亚哥出生长大的孩子，我有意识地做出努力使别人明白：我和我父母不同，他们是中国人，而我不是。我是美国人。在我上初中和高中开始阶段的时候，当别人说到中国不好的地方，我会感到尴尬，因为我觉得仿佛他们在指出我自己身上存在的根本缺陷，仿佛他们检查了我，发现了我的不足。与此同时，我又会对这种尴尬感到无法言表的不适，感到一种长久困扰我的负罪感。而这种负罪感我谁也无法倾诉，也没人给予我指导帮助我理解。直到我高中第二年，在与另一名和我有相同感受的中国裔女孩坦率交谈的时候，我才意识到这种情绪是愤怒 - 我很生气，因为我被迫对于自己的所属感到羞耻，而这个所属 - 作为一个中国人- 本质上是那么美。
对于那些从来没有经历过这么根深蒂固的内化种族歧视的人来说，这样的认识或许没啥惊天动地的地方。但对我来说，这是一个启示。在一年之内，我试图更好地学习中文，了解中国文化和历史。我更多地询问我的父母关于他们童年的问题。业余时间，我阅读中国民间传说，热烈庆祝每一个中国人的节日。我说服了我的母亲和我的妹妹，每人应该学会一种中国乐器，可以和我们已经掌握的西洋乐器一起演奏。我一头扎进中国文化，就仿佛像要弥补回那些被我用来感到羞耻的时间：我毫无歉意、充满骄傲地吸取这个文化。
同时，我知道了“内化种族歧视”这个词的含义。那些帮助我理解这一概念的材料也让我了解了关于性别歧视、阶级歧视、对残障人士的歧视、对同性恋的恐惧等一系列问题。所有这些偏见，我肤浅地知道是坏的，但却没有系统的认识。在后来五年里，我开始学习所有我能找到的关于这些问题的知识，并把这些知识和我的学业结合起来。我在我妹妹面前用我的知识评论媒体的报道，使她在远比我小的年纪开启了她对社会公正的觉醒。交叉性（Intersectionality）成为了我对社会正义理解的重要支点。这种认识的结果，也开始让我认真审视我自己作为一名“西方女权主义者”的局限性。
这份关注，加上我对中国和中国文化的兴趣，让我对中国的社会问题很好奇。但大多数这方面文献是用中文写的，而我的中文不够好，不能直接阅读这些文献。而很多这方面的英文文章不是中国人写的，这又让我警惕。这就是为什么，在香港交换学习期间，我努力从中国人那里学习有关中国社会问题的知识。我爱中国人，不仅仅是从人道主义的角度，更是从我个人的角度，因为长期以来我习惯于相信我不应该爱他们。这就是为什么有时在上课的时候，当我听到同学说，“中国人很贪婪”，或者“这类型的问题，在我的国家是不存在的，中国真落后”类似的小组讨论，我觉得很难控制自己的情绪，因为它让我回想起初中和高中时代，当我听到类似的东西，不明白是什么在我肚子里翻滚的那种感受。它会立即唤起我辩护的欲望，这是一种本能的想保护这些美丽的人与这个美丽的国家的冲动。
但我知道，在我学习的同时，其他人也在学习。即使当同学做出这些类型的评论的时候，我也意识到我们同修一门课，这表明我们都关心中国。而我也在和自己的保护欲作斗争，因为我知道对于一个体系的批评既必须又重要，即使这种批评来自于“外人”。毕竟，我也是一个“外人”- 但我是一个努力中的外人。我在听，在阅读，在学习。我修习这门课是因为我关心，我非常关心这个国家。 |
|
|
