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在很多所谓的“罗曼史”刚开始的时候，为了要吸引并且留住小我视为“可以让我快乐、感觉特殊、满足我所有需求”的那个人，角色扮演的游戏是常见的。“我会扮演你要我扮演的角色，而你也要扮演我让你扮演的角色。”对男女双方来说，这是个无需明说，而且无意识的共同协议。然而，角色扮演是很辛苦的，所以这些角色无法无止境地扮演下去，尤其是一旦两人开始生活在一起以后。而当那个角色面具滑落以后，你看到了什么？很不幸的，大多数的情况下，你看到的不是对方本体的真实本质，而是遮掩了真实本质的东西：卸除了角色后赤裸裸的小我，还有它的痛苦之身以及因索求不遂而产生的愤怒。这个愤怒多半又会导向配偶或是伴侣，因为他们不能够移除你内心经年累月的恐惧和匮乏感，而这些恐惧和匮乏感其实是你的小我自我感中固有的一部分。 我们常说的“坠入爱河”，其实大多数的情况下，是小我的欲求(wanting)和需求(needing)的一种强化。你对一个人上瘾了，或是说，你对自己心目中那个人的形象上瘾了。它和真爱一点关系也没有，真爱之中是从无欲求的。西班牙文是最能诚实表达传统之爱的一种语言：tequiero的意思是“我要你”还有“我爱你”。另外一种我爱你的表达方式“teamo”却很少人用，因为它的意思就是清楚的“我爱你”，并不模棱两可。或许这是因为真爱本来就难寻。 VILLAIN, VICTIM, LOVER Some egos, if they cannot get praise or admiration, will settle for other forms of attention and play roles to elicit them. If they cannot get positive attention, they may seek negative attention instead, for example, by provoking a negative reaction in someone else. Some children already do that too. They misbehave to get attention. The playing of negative roles becomes particularly pronounced whenever the ego is magnified by an active pain- body, that is to say, emotional pain from the past that wants to renew itself through experiencing more pain. Some egos perpetrate crimes in their search for fame. They seek attention through notoriety and other people's condemnation. “Please tell me that I exist, that I am not insignificant,” they seem to say. Such pathological forms of ego are only more extreme versions of normal egos. A very common role is the one of victim, and the form of attention it seeks is sympathy or pity or others' interest in my problems, “me and my story.” Seeing oneself as a victim is an element in many egoic patterns, such as complaining, being offended, outraged, and so on. Of course, once I am identified with a story in which I assigned myself the role of victim, I don't want it to end, and so, as every therapist knows, the ego does not want an end to its “problems” because they are part of its identity. If no one will listen to my sad story, I can tell it to myself in my head, over and over, and feel sorry for myself, sand so have an identity as someone who is being treated unfairly by life or other people, fate or God. It gives definition to my self- image, makes me into someone, and that is all that matters to the ego. In the early stages of many so- called romantic relationships, role- playing is quite common in order to attract and keep whoever is perceived by the ego as the one who is going to “make me happy, make me feel special, and fulfill all my needs.” “I'll play who you want me to be, and you'll play who I want you to be.” That's the unspoken and unconscious agreement. However, role- playing is hard work, and so those roles cannot be sustained indefinitely, especially once you start living together. When those roles slip, what do you see? Unfortunately, in most cases, not yet the true essence of that being, but that which overs up the true essence: the raw ego divested of its roles, with its pain- body, and its thwarted wanting which now turns into anger, most likely directed at the spouse or partner for having failed to remove the underlying fear and sense of lack that is an intrinsic part of the egoic sense of self. What is commonly called “falling in love” is in most cases and intensification of egoic wanting and needing. You become addicted to another person, or rather to your image of that person. It has nothing to do with true love, which contains no wanting whatsoever. The Spanish language is the most honest in regard to conventional notions of love: Te quiero means “I want you” as well as “I love you.” The other expression for “I love you,” te amo, which does not have this ambiguity, is rarely used – perhaps because true love is just as rare. |
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