se fools are so ingenious. Whenever you set out to do something,
something else must be done first. Every solution breeds new
problems. Murphy's Law of Research Enough research will tend to
support your theory. Murphy's Law of Copiers The legibility of a
copy is inversely proportional to its importance. Murphy's Law of
the Open Road: When there is a very long road upon which there is a
one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on
that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite
directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge. Murphy's
Law of Thermodynamics Things get worse under pressure. The Murphy
Philosophy Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse. Quantization
Revision of Murphy's Laws Everything goes wrong all at once.
Murphy's Constant Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to
its value Murphy's Corollaries Left to themselves, things tend to
go from bad to worse. It is impossible to make anything foolproof
because fools are so ingenious Law of the Perversity of Nature
(Mrs. Murphy's Corollary): You cannot successfully determine
beforehand which side of the bread to butter. Corollary (Jenning):
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. Commentaries
Hill's Commentaries on Murphy's Laws If we lose much by having
things go wrong, take all possible care. If we have nothing to lose
by change, relax. If we have everything to gain by change, relax.
If it doesn't matter, it does not matter. O'Toole's Commentary
Murphy was an optimist. NBC's Addendum to Murphy's LawYou never run
out of things that can go wrong.
Murphy's Military Laws Never share a foxhole with
anyone braver than you are. No battle plan ever survives contact
with the enemy. Friendly fire ain't. The most dangerous thing in
the combat zone is an officer with a map. The problem with taking
the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it. The buddy
system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody
else to shoot at. The further you are in advance of your own
positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
Incoming fire has the right of way. If your advance is going well,
you are walking into an ambush. The quartermaster has only two
sizes, too large and too small. If you really need an officer in a
hurry, take a nap. The only time suppressive fire works is when it
is used on abandoned positions. The only thing more accurate than
incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. There is nothing
more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the
combat zone, it draws sergeants. If your sergeant can see you, so
can the enemy.
Murphy's
Technology Laws You can never tell which way the train went by
looking at the track. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the
wrong conclusion with confidence. Whenever a system becomes
completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either
abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. Technology
is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. If
builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the
fundamental solvency of the firm. The attention span of a computer
is only as long as it electrical cord. An expert is one who knows
more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely
everything about nothing. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in
the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint
on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. All great discoveries are
made by mistake. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. All's well
that ends. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and
the hours are lost. The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
New systems generate new problems. To err is human, but to really
foul things up requires a computer. We don't know one millionth of
one percent about anything. Any given program, when running, is
obsolete. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable
from magic. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20
men working 20 years make. The faster a computer is, the faster it
will reach a crashed state. Nothing motivates a man more than to
see his boss putting in an honest day's work. Some people manage by
the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even
what book. The primary function of the design engineer is to make
things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the
serviceman. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job
will take the longest and cost the most. After all is said and
done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. Any circuit design
must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which
are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved
from a simple system that works. If mathematically you end up with
the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number. Computers
are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system
which depends on human reliability is unreliable. Give all orders
verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a 'Pearl
Harbor File.' Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of
pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the
organism will do as it damn well pleases. If you can't understand
it, it is intuitively obvious. The more cordial the buyer's
secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has
the order. In designing any type of construction, no overall
dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The
correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday. Fill
what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches. All
things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. The
only perfect science is hind-sight. Work smarder and not harder and
be careful of yor speling. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't
exist. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. When all
else fails, read the instructions. If there is a possibility of
several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage
will be the one to go wrong. Everything that goes up must come
down. Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least
accessible corner. Any simple theory will be worded in the most
complicated way. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a
fool will want to use it. The degree of technical competence is
inversely proportional to the level of management. Any attempt to
print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.
Murphy's Love Laws All the good ones are taken. If the
person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1) The nicer
someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. Brains x Beauty x
Availability = Constant. The amount of love someone feels for you
is inversely proportional to how much you love them. Money can't
buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. The
best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Nice guys(girls)
finish last. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested
is the minute they find someone else.
Murphy's Laws of sex The more beautiful the woman is who
loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age. No matter how many times you've had it,
if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same
again. Sex has no calories. Sex takes up the least amount of time
and causes the most amount of trouble. There is no remedy for sex
but more sex. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people
think you've got. No sex with anyone in the same office. Sex is
like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or
how long it is going to last. A man in the house is worth two in
the street. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds
will follow. Virginity can be cured. When a man's wife learns to
understand him, she usually stops listening to him. Never sleep
with anyone crazier than yourself. The qualities that most attract
a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years
later. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. It is always the wrong
time of month. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. When the
lights are out, all women are beautiful. Sex is hereditary. If your
parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sow your wild
oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. The
younger the better. The game of love is never called off on account
of darkness. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the
ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Sex discriminates
against the shy and the ugly. Before you find your handsome prince,
you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. There may be some things better
than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing
exactly like it. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. Love is
a hole in the heart. If the effort that went in research on the
female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be
running hot-dog stands on the moon. Love is a matter of chemistry,
sex is a matter of physics. Do it only with the best. Sex is a
three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words
to convey its full meaning. One good turn gets most of the
blankets. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating
nine women. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at
all. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood. Never
lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. Abstain
from wine, women, and song; mostly song. Never argue with a women
when she's tired -- or rested. A woman never forgets the men she
could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. What matters is not
the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. It is better to
be looked over than overlooked. Never say no. A man can be happy
with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. Folks playing
leapfrog must complete all jumps. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes
right to the bone. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. A
man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. Love comes in
spurts. The world does not revolve on an axis. Sex is one of the
nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. Don't do it if
you can't keep it up. There is no difference between a wise man and
a fool when they fall in love. Never go to bed mad, stay up and
fight. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
'This won't hurt, I promise.'
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