TakingADvantage
Social Basis of Human Behavior: SexbyRichardF. TaflingerThispage has been accessed  since28 May 1996. Forfurther readings, I suggest going to the Media and CommunicationsStudies website.
REPRODUCTIONAND SOCIETYHumans, like many other terrestrial lifeforms, reproduce sexually. We, like all other sexual creatures, are subject toinstinctive sexual desire triggered by appropriate criteria. However, humans are unique in two ways. Thefirst I mentioned in the discussion in Chapter Two Reproduction -- theiranatomy has made sex more difficult. It's the second unique thing about humansthat makes their reproductive life unusual: humans can think. Thus, thecriteria for desire and selection are greatly complicated. People apply notonly physical, but societal, cultural and economic criteria to desire andselection. The evolution of the human body and mind hasresulted in an incredibly complex psychophysiology. This sets humans apart fromhow all other animals approach reproduction. Males compete for breeding rights,females select the best available male. Many female mammals come into heat, alimited period when she is impregnable. Before and during this period,physiological changes occur that are detectable by the male. She becomes themost desirable female around, and she wants sex. The males line up for her,compete for her, and she selects and mates with the best. When a mare comesinto heat, she mates with the alpha stallion (the one that wins the matingbattles). She doesn't think about it, she doesn't examine his physique or bankaccount; if he is the alpha stallion, he is the one with which to mate, sincehe has proven himself superior to other males. If she doesn't wish to mate withhim, she simply walks away. For other animals, instead of walking away,the female expresses her lack of desire by swatting the male. For example, alioness, well equipped with weapons and close to the same size, can discourageany male by beating the hell out of him. He, having other females in his harem,shrugs his figurative shoulders and goes elsewhere. Such is not the case for a human. Men rarelybattle each other for breeding rights. Women don't come into heat: they canmate at any time, she can get pregnant any month, deliver any day. Women don'tautomatically mate with a man because he won a fight. However, people stillapply criteria in selecting a mate, and those criteria are gender-linked. Male Criteria The human male has a drive to impregnate asmany females as possible, to create as many offspring with his genes aspossible. (Ehrlichman & Eichenstein, 1992) Thus, he applies criteriatypical for a male animal. He looks for women who are impregnable: those whoare old enough to be past puberty, but young enough to care for children for atleast several years. He looks for healthy (i.e., clear, smooth skin,'bright' eyes, good conformation of body and limbs, etc.) women, sothey can carry the fetus to term, deliver it, and care for it after birth.Beyond that, he doesn't really care. She doesn't have to be intelligent,talented, socially aware, or in any other way have a brain. In fact, the dumbershe is the easier it would be for him to meet her criteria for desirabilitysince they are less likely to be extensive. Thus, men have minimal criteria for sexualdesire; basically, they are concerned with a woman's anatomy -- as long as awoman looks young enough and healthy, she is desirable. They also consider herbeautiful, since to a male beautiful and desirable are virtually synonymous. What is considered healthy-looking has variedover the years and centuries, and from culture to culture. In periods whenthere were food shortages, a woman that is now considered obese was thoughtattractive since her appearance clearly showed she had ample reserves. Otherchanges such as cosmetics to produce a healthy appearance, costumes thatexaggerated the hips and thus gave an impression of an excellent child-bearingstructure, etc., have increased men's perception of a woman's desirability as asexual partner. Of course, few men consciously relate certain features withhealth, and thus that is why they find them attractive. They simply find womenwith such features sexually attractive, and that's enough without analyzingwhy. Many characteristics are deemed attractive bythe culture. That is, they are learned. The human male has a mind as well, andis taught much of the way he is supposed to regard the world. This includeswhat the female features are that he should consider attractive (i.e., sexuallydesirable), including non-physical as well as physical attributes. Suchnon-physical attributes include a woman's mind, accomplishments, and prospects. Nonetheless, although his culture and societymay tell him that he should consider more than anatomy, 'people are likelyto express approval for socially approved characteristics rather than for whatactually attracts them.' (Daly, 1983, p. 304) Deep down inside he stillhowls at the moon when a woman meeting his physical criteria walks by. For aman, thinking reduces sexual desire ('think about baseball'). This does not mean that the human male is awalking hormone. He, like the female, is a member of the human race, and thusis also aware of human society, its constraints and demands. He will desire any woman in sight whosatisfies his physical, instinctive criteria for the right sexual partner.However, the one he selects for actual pursuit, the one to whom he will devoteresources trying to satisfy her criteria, must satisfy societal and/or culturalcriteria that overlay the instinctive criteria. For most men, this will includethose factors that make a woman a functioning and consequential member of thehuman race. Such factors include intelligence, wit and imagination. They mayalso include the same criteria that women apply to men, including money,status, religious or political affiliation, and power. All of these human malecriteria enter his list of factors for determining a woman's suitability forpursuit. They are as vital to him as to her since they will contribute to theoffspring's future. Human society, unlike many animals, insists that the maletake an active part in the care of the female while she's pregnant and in therearing of children. Since such is the case, men take these factors intoconsideration when deciding which woman to pursue seriously. Nonetheless,although these criteria will enter a man's conscious consideration of a woman'sdesirability as an object of pursuit, it doesn't reduce or alter hisinstinctive reaction to a woman's appearance as a sexual partner. Female Criteria The human female, on the other hand, runsinto a real problem: the human mind. Remember that females must apply morecriteria to select a male than males apply to a female. It is not the nearestpossibility, but the best possibility that she desires. (Ehrlichman &Eichenstein, 1992) A woman's mind allows her, and indeed forces her to examinepossible criteria to a much greater extent than any other animal. She can alsoproject the consequences of choices into the future. What constitutes an alphamale, the best male with which to mate and produce the best possible offspring,depends on far more factors than any other animal on earth. The criteria forher to desire sexually a man can include strength or health or fightingability, like the lion or the wolf. However, they can also includeintelligence, money, power, prestige, position, status, attitudes, political orreligious convictions, any number and combination of factors. It's whatever shebelieves a man should be that will result in 1) the best possible genes for heroffspring, and 2) the offspring's best chance for survival and ability to passon its genes. It is the human mind that allows her to consider thepossibilities, the criteria, the future outcome of her actions. She does not gointo heat and mate with the closest best bet. She makes plans, examines herchoices, makes conscious decisions. Only the human female can make conscious,planned decisions about her sex life. Women's ability to think consciously abouttheir sexual lives does not mean she doesn't have instinctive desires as strongas a man's. What it does mean is she will often subordinate that desire: shemay desire a physically attractive man, but she will not actually have sex withhim until he has satisfied more than physical criteria. Courtship This has led to the complex human courtshiprituals. Courtship rituals among other animals can be lengthy, complicated, andeven dangerous, especially to the males. (Daly, 1983) However, they areinstinctive. The peacock's display, the bower bird's bower, the stag's battlesare unconscious and unchanging. Sometimes the rituals do require practice,however. For example, the long-tailed mannikin bird's, in which an older malebird takes on a young apprentice. Although the bird's mating dance isinstinctive, it's also intricate and needs practice to perfect the performancethe female demands. In fact, the dance is a duet between the master and theapprentice. The female mates with the master if the duet is good enough, andnot at all if it isn't a double act. (Attenborough, 1990) Nonetheless, there is no guesswork involvedin the ritual. Each species has its own that doesn't vary in anything butdegree of virtuosity. If one male performs it better than another, the femaleinstinctively chooses him. Human courtship rituals, however, are notonly complex, but often ad libbed. There is no one right way for a man to courta woman. Indeed, there are as many ways to court a woman as there are women.This again comes back to the fact that humans can think. What often happens is that a man desires awoman, based upon his instinctive criteria -- what does she look like? Does shefit his anatomical criteria for acceptability? This is something he candetermine by simply seeing her. After he's applied his physical criteria, hemoves to the social. First, he tries to discover whether she satisfies what heconsiders the right societal criteria. Then he tries to determine if hesatisfies what he thinks she thinks are the right societal criteria. One thebasis of this guesswork, he decides whether he should pursue her to follow hisdesires. He then initiates contact with her. When,where or how he will approach her has no set form or ritual. There is noparticular mating season, like in deer; humans can mate anytime. There is noset mating ground, like the bower bird's bower or the seal's beach, where afemale's presence means she is looking to mate. A woman's presence in a certainlocation, or any location, says nothing about her desire for sex. If a birdsings his mating song well, or a stag struts, bluffs and fights better thanothers, he's the most desirable male and mates with the female. Human courtshipfollows no such set criteria about what a man must do and how to do it toguarantee success. In fact, the less ritualized and more original his approachis, the more likely a woman is to accept it (if not him). He approaches her todetermine if he guessed correctly about how well their criteria match. This heoften does through conversation: what does she say, how does she say it, howdoes she respond to what he says and how he says it. Note that, for the man,physical desire almost always comes first. She, on the other hand, often waits for theinitiation of contact. If she initiates contact the man could assume that healready satisfies her criteria. Exceptions, of course, exist. If she sees a manthat appears to satisfy some of her criteria, she may initiate contact. Forexample, he may be physically attractive, apparently have money and/or powerand/or status, show intelligence and sensitivity to those around him, orotherwise satisfy some or all of her criteria. In any case, she then evaluatesthose men who contact her (or she contacts) to see if they really satisfy hercriteria. Again, this is often done through conversation. This is called dating. If she fits his instinctive criteria, he willoften ignore it if she doesn't fit his societal criteria. Physicalattractiveness is all his instincts say is necessary for him to desire sex.She, on the other hand, will rarely ignore her societal criteria since herinstincts demand they be considered in her determination of the right man.Physical attractiveness may be enough for her to allow his approach, but hemust satisfy her other criteria before she will allow sex. She may even ignorephysical attractiveness if he satisfies her societal criteria to a large enoughextent. Those societal criteria have a greater influence on her and herchildren's future than his physical appearance. (Coombs & Kenkel, 1966)'One very interesting generalization is that in most societies thephysical beauty of the female receives more explicit consideration than doesthe handsomeness of the male. The attractiveness of the man usually dependspredominantly upon his skills and prowess rather than upon his physicalappearance.' (Ford, 1951, p. 86) In 1972, J. C. Touhey compared men's andwomen's attitudes about dating. 'Men were attracted to women who sharedtheir sexual attitudes. Women were attracted to men who shared their religiousbeliefs. One interpretation of these results is that men date largely forsexual reasons, while women are more concerned to evaluate a man's prospects asa long term mate.' (Daly, 1983, p. 304) Some anecdotal evidence supports the abovediscussion. When I worked as a bartender, I often observed how the men andwomen interacted and decided to study what happened. An occupational hazard ofbartending, but a great aid to studying people, is that people talk to you aboutanything and everything. Nothing is off limits, in particular interpersonalrelationships. Both men and women would talk to me abouttheir initial reactions to the other sex, and whether they should approach, orallow an approach, or not, and what happened when they did or didn't. The menevaluated the women's appearance, and rarely asked me anything except if I knewher name. The women also evaluated the men's appearance, but would ask for muchmore information. I often saw a man approach a woman, but rarely the other wayaround. One thing that was apparent was how much themen worried about how to approach a woman they found attractive. With noformula, ritual or protocol as a guide, the men often expressed their fear ofrejection. Many of the sessions between men at the bar were devoted to whether,and how, to initiate contact. The men would dissect one of their member'sapproach and everything he might say if his approach was accepted. This was tolessen, not so much the possibility of rejection, but the blow to the man's egoand self-esteem such a rejection would cause. They seemed to assume that anyapproach would be rejected. Two interesting points became clear: First,those men who were most willing and able to approach a woman were of two types.The first was the man who didn't care whether he was rejected or not. He wasusually someone already in a relationship with a woman. Since such was thecase, he had nothing to lose. Even when he wasn't trying to attract a woman,but just wanted to make a friend and talk, women seemed to find him attractive.I was struck by the question many of these men asked in a puzzled voice:'Where were these women when I was alone?' (I once asked a woman whowas attracted to such a man why, since she knew he was already with anotherwoman. Her reply: 'Well, he must have something going forhim.') The second type of man was the one with suchan overweening ego that rejection didn't dent it. He was the kind who, whenrejected, would pass it off with the comment, 'She doesn't know what she'smissing.' He would then move on to the next woman. The second point I found interesting: themore physically attractive the men thought a woman was, the less willing theywere to approach her. When I asked why, the most common reason was, 'Areyou kidding? I wouldn't have a chance with her.' When I asked what theymeant by 'a chance,' they said, 'You know. To go to bed withher.' When I would suggest approaching her just to talk, they generallylooked at me as if I had grown another head. (Occasionally, the reaction was,'You know, that might work.') When I asked why they thought theywouldn't have 'a chance,' the usual reply was, 'Look at her.She's got to have a hundred boy friends. How can I compete?' It was clearthat these men feared the rejection they thought would be automatic inapproaching an especially attractive woman. That males compete for the approvalof females is as prevalent among humans as among other animals. This becameclear when the bar had a dance. The bar, which had a dance floor, oftenbrought in a band for a dance. On these evenings, groups of men and groups ofwomen would come in. The men would stand at the bar and evaluate the women asthey entered. The waitresses told me the women, who went to the tables, weredoing the same about the men. When the dancing started the men asked women todance. I was often struck by the fact that the women the men had most highlyrated in attractiveness were often not asked, and were left alone at thetables. I would go to these tables to clear glassesand ashtrays. While there, I would ask the woman, 'What are you doingsitting here all by your lonesome?' The usual answer was just a shrug. One night, however, one of these women cameup to the bar. She was one that all the men, from what I heard, had agreed was,'The best one here.' She apparently needed to talk. After some smalltalk, I was surprised when she asked, 'What's wrong with me?' Iasked, 'What makes you think anything is?' She told me that she goesto dance after dance. However, while all her friends that she's there with areasked to dance, she almost never is. 'I'm tired of just sitting there. Iwant to dance, too.' I suggested that the men may be worried about herboyfriend. She asked, 'Do you see a boyfriend? If I didn't go with mygirlfriends, I wouldn't go out at all.' When I expressed surprise that shedidn't have a boyfriend, she asked how she could have one if no man asks herout? As we continued talking it became clear that, the more attractive men hadfound her as she got older, the less they approached her. 'I got moreattention from the guys when I was flat-chested and all knees and elbows,'she complained. 'Well, at least they talked to me,' she finished.When I suggested she simply ask some guy she found attractive to dance, shelooked shocked. 'Are you kidding?' she asked. 'He'll expect meto go to bed with him.' She was probably right. Two other examples, one from a man'sperspective and one from a woman's, will help illustrate how men and womenoften regard contacting each other: In one instance, a man told me he was veryattracted to a woman in the bar. He asked me her name, then approached her.They spoke for quite some time. When he came to get them both another drink, Iremarked that he seemed to be getting along quite well with her. He told me,'I have no idea what she's talking about, and I don't think she does,either. It's not even interesting. But who cares? She's gorgeous.' Withthat, he took the drinks back to the table and sat down, smiling and nodding atwhatever she said. Although she fulfilled none of his social criteria, she didsatisfy his physical. That's all that was necessary for his desire to remainhigh. In another instance, a woman told me she founda man across the room attractive, and asked me to subtlely hint that she wouldlike him to approach her. She made it quite clear to me that she was attractedto him sexually. She made it equally clear that I was not to give him theimpression that she was anything but indifferent whether he approached her ornot. He got the hint, went to her table, and soonthey were talking. However, within fifteen minutes she was looking at me with a'How do I get out of this?' look on her face. I pretended she had aphone call, and she left long enough for him to lose interest and lookelsewhere. It turned out that, although he satisfied her physical criteria, hefulfilled none of her social criteria. In fact, she considered him stupid,vain, egotistical, boring, and broke. Her desire for him disappeared entirelywhen she discovered this. To reiterate, '. . . men date largelyfor sexual reasons, while women are more concerned to evaluate a man'sprospects as a long term mate.' # Nonetheless, changes in human society,particularly in Western cultures, are altering how many people apply theircriteria. Although the animal instinct in humans is to have children, theability to think and project into the future have many people wishing to avoidhaving children: over-population, economic inability to support children,destruction of resources, interference with personal goals, etc.. In the past,the only way to avoid having children was to avoid having sex. However, withnew birth control methods the fear of pregnancy is greatly reduced. Please note that the concern and/or onus ofworrying about birth control is usually the woman's responsibility. To her,reproduction is the creation of children that have a good chance to survive andreproduce in turn. Thus, her consideration of the social and environmentalnecessities to achieve this is a major part of her decision to have children.To the male, his instincts say, 'Get her pregnant,' which oftenlessens his consideration of birth control. Obviously, the modern world, by which I meansince the late 1940s, has brought great revolutions in the relationshipsbetween the sexes. The introduction of birth control devices, including thepill, has released women from many of the biological and social restrictionsthat held sway for thousands and millions of years. They no longer had to worryabout the biological consequences of sexual activity. In addition, in the United Statesduring World War II women replaced men in the workplace to free the men formilitary duty. At the end of the war, many of the women refused to return totheir pre-war life. They had enjoyed success and personal satisfaction withtheir life in the workplace. They also liked the independence and confidencethat came with being self-sufficient rather than dependent on a husband. Thesefactors made going back to the home, 'women's place' before W.W.II,seem boring and unfulfilling. They therefore set a trend for women in theworkplace, leading to their economic independence and a more equal status in societywith men. With these releases from dependence and fearof pregnancy came a social revolution in male/female relationships. Women nowallow their instinctual reactions to sexual attraction freer rein. They acceptor initiate contact with men who may fit only her physical criteria, startingand ending relationships much as men have, enjoying sex for its own sake. However, this modern social revolution doesnot reduce the great differences in the way men and women regard sex on aninstinctive level. The instincts that control sexual desire have evolved over abillion years: male promiscuity and his simple, strictly physical criteria fora woman to be desirable; female caution and her complex physical and socialcriteria to select the best possible man. That many of the social criteria thatshe had to consider have lessened, and that he didn't consider have greatlyincreased in the last forty years, cannot reduce those millions-year-oldinstincts. Again note, however, that it is the woman whomakes the choice about mating. She selects the man she prefers from among thosemen she attracts, the ones who apply for permission. He may, strut, brag,cajole, or beg, but it's her choice that, in the end, he must abide by. Under some circumstances it may appear thathe is making the choice. However, what is happening is that he satisfiesseveral women's criteria. Thus, they will sometimes simply wait their turn withhim. We see this sort of behavior among so-called 'groupies,' usuallygirls or young women who hang around and have sex with rock or athletic stars.The star satisfies the women's criteria, and they have all chosen him. Thecriteria may be his body, his fame, his money, or the prestige she can gainfrom having sex with him. In any case, she made the choice that, if he werejust another guy, she might not have. In that case, he would have to apply likeany other man. Another case in which the man appears to makethe choice is that of polygyny, a man having multiple wives. However, hereagain the woman decides that he satisfies her criteria enough to make herwilling to share him with the other women. In fact, she may consider polygyny agood idea, since it gives her other women with whom to share work and childrearing,and even give her free day-care so she can pursue her own career without thehassle and expense of child care with no parent at home. These socialadvantages may outweigh her biological desire for fidelity. (Daly, 1983) There is a case in which the man is makingthe choice rather than the woman: that is the instance of rape. However, rapeis generally considered to be an attempt at power rather than sex, that hewants mastery over her rather than to mate with her. Since there is littlequite so personal as sex, sexual violation of her body gives him an evengreater sense of power over her than controlling her body by tying or beatingher. Every species in which researchers have observed rape, such as chimpanzees,orangutans and at least eighteen species of birds (Gladstone, 1979), considers it deviantbehavior. The offender is often ostracized or banished. A biological basis ofthis may be that it is counterproductive in a species' reproductive strategyfor the male to make the final choice. (Daly, 1983) Notes(1) As a close to thisincident, I went off-duty before the end of the dance, and this woman asked meto dance with her. Clearly, our conversation made her feel safe with me, becauseI was sympathetic to her plight and made no 'moves' on her. Of course,my instinctive reaction was, 'ALL RIGHT!!!' (I am, after all, male,and have all the same instincts as any other male). However, I realized thatwhat she wanted was a friend, and a chance to dance and have some fun. Since noother man seemed willing to dance with her, who better than her confidante andbartender (which are synonymous terms to many)? We are still good friends, andI thank her for letting me use this incident for illustration.
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