本文根据Julie Lythcott Haims 2015年11月在TED的演讲归纳整理。
TED，创始于1984年，是英文单词Technology（科技）、 Entertainment（娱乐）、 Design（设计）的首字母缩写，其宗旨是“用思想的力量来改变世界”。TED演讲题材极其广泛，海量丰富,由于TED演讲简短且深刻,参加者们称它为“超级大脑SPA”，是最著名的英语演讲集。
父母对孩子寄于很高的期望，并且事无巨细的安排他们的日常生活中的每个细节，实际上并没有真正帮助到孩子。至少，斯坦福大学新生管理处主任，Julie Lythcott Haims是这么想的。她用她的激情和冷幽默，启发父母不要再用考试成绩来定义他们的孩子的成功。相反，她说，父母应该专注于提供给孩子最古老的东西：无条件的爱。 We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection we were never asked to perform at ourselves 我们期望我们的孩子能做到完美， 而我们自己却从没做到过 We say we just want them to be happy, but when they come home from school, what we ask about all too often first is their homework and their grades. 我们口头上希望他们开心， 但当他们放学回家， 我们通常第一时间询问他们的却是作业和成绩。 We send our children the message: 'Hey kid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me.' 我们给孩子传递了一个信号： “嘿，孩子，没有我你什么都干不成。” With our overhelp, our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding, we deprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy, which is a really fundamental tenet of the human psyche, far more important than that self-esteem they get every time we applaud. 我们的过度帮助， 过度保护，过度指导和过度关怀， 我们剥夺了孩子建立自我能效的机会， 自我能效是人类心智的重要准则， 远比通过父母赞美建立起的自尊更重要。 What I'm saying is, we should be less concerned with the specific set of colleges they might be able to apply to or might get into and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set, the wellness, to be successful wherever they go. 我要说的是， 我们应该更少关注具体哪些名牌大学他们应该申请或进入， 而更多关注他们的习惯、心态、技能、身心健康， 有了这些， 他们才能在哪儿都成功。 What I'm saying is, our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores and a whole lot more interested in childhood providing a foundation for their success built on things like love and chores. 我要说的是， 孩子需要我们少一点痴迷于成绩和分数， 而将重点放在打造一个能帮助他们为成功奠基的童年上， 比如，爱， 比如，做家务。 A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study said that happiness in life comes from love, not love of work, love of humans: our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family. So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love, and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves, and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love. 哈佛格兰特研究的另一个重要发现， 人生的幸福， 来自于爱， 不是对工作的爱， 是对人的爱： 我们的配偶，我们的伙伴， 我们的朋友，我们的家庭。 所以我们要教孩子如何去爱， 要爱别人，他们要先学会爱自己， 想要他们爱自己， 我们就要给予他们无条件的爱。 They need to know they matter to us as humans, not because of their GPA[Grade Point Average]. 他们(孩子们)需要知道， 他们本身对我们很重要， 而不是他们的学习成绩。 And once upon a time, I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like little bonsai trees, that I was going to carefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect form of a human that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission to one of the most highly selective colleges. But I've come to realize, after working with thousands of other people's kids and raising two kids of my own, my kids aren't bonsai trees. They're wildflowers of an unknown genus and species 我原来对待我的 Sawyer 和 Avery， 就像对待盆栽一样，我想要小心的把他们修修剪剪， 塑造成完美的人， 完美到可以把他们送进最受欢迎的大学。 但是，我在工作中接触了几千个别人家的孩子，我才意识到，我意识到我的两个孩子， 他们不是盆栽， 他们是野花， 未知品种的野花 It's my job to provide a nourishing environment, to strengthen them through chores and to love them so they can love others and receive love and the college, the major, the career, that's up to them. My job is not to make them become what I would have them become, but to support them in becoming their glorious selves. 我们(作为父母)的工作是提供成长的环境， 通过作家务和(无条件的)爱，让他们变得强大， 爱他们，他们才会爱别人，才会接受爱。 上大学、选专业、找工作， 都由他们自己。 我的工作不是把他们变成我想要的样子， 而是支持他们做辉煌的自己。
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