 各位好，欢迎来到作文专栏的第三期，关于该专栏的介绍可见怎样写一篇作文？ 一般来说，写作训练主要有几个要点： 1.提升语法基础 2.提升用词和句型能力 3.训练逻辑思维能力 其中第三点最难，也最需要经过大量刻意训练。建议写作经常没有思路的同学平时可以多找一些作文题目想观点（如果实在想不到观点，可以上网搜一搜英文报道或者文章，看看他们是怎么写的），列出主要提纲，思考观点之间的逻辑关系，然后再对照范文，看看自己的思路是否正确。经过一两个月的训练，你的审题能力将会有很大提升。 今天要分析的作文是关于大学生住校的问题，题目是： It is better for students to live away from home when they are at university than to live with parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree? 这是原始作文版本： 文/小蔡
下面是点评版本： Being admitted to university is a step towards adulthood, which puts a high value on independence. However, in some countries, university students are opting to live with parents rather than independently living in other cities （不一定是住在其他城市，住在本市也有可能，可以直接改成 rather than live independently）during university. （前面已经有提到 university students, 因此 during university 可以删去）I believe that the disadvantages for （介词使用有误，应改成 of）it outweigh the advantages when independence cultivation and social competence are taken into consideration. Leaving the parental nest and living in the halls of residence in other cities （与前面的 leaving the parental nest 表意重复，可删去）can develop undergraduates’ independence. It is because when they move into a new environment and live away from their past support system that they are forced to become more resilient and survive independently at the university. （survive 这个词用得有点重，整个句子可以改成 That is because when they live away from home comfort, they have to be resilient and learn to acquire necessary life skills.）For example, tidying up the room by themselves, washing and mending their clothes alone, doing a part-time job to pay for their own （赘词，删去）bills, maintaining good health to deal with loads of study （loads of 是很口语化的表达，用在正式写作里面不合适，这里可以改成 to learn effectively）etc. Clearly, those chances to develop mental and behavioural independence are hard to come by through staying with parents during college. In addition to independence fostering, boarding in the university can help students get fully involved in campus life, which plays an important part in the socialization of undergraduates. （改成 developing interpersonal skills）In effect, leaving home to go to university is a rite of passage. Without parental prying eyes, （改成 without the prying eyes from parents）undergraduates can freely throw themselves into activities and make friends with people from different social and cultural backgrounds. This helps undergraduates （undergraduate 在这一段重复了很多次，这里可以改成 them）boost their confidence and develop social skills, such as teamwork and communication. In contrast, university students who live with their parents are less likely to socialize with their fellow students because they remain in their pre-university social groups, and are more likely to feel isolated from their peer group at the university. In conclusion, I am convinced that the benefits for boarding university rather than living at home are more significant （改成 outweigh）than the drawbacks, because, for undergraduates, this is not only an opportunity to develop independence but also a process of socialization. 总结： 文章总体上没有离题，提到了大学生离家住的两个好处：能够培养独立性以及人际沟通能力。但是作者对培养独立性这个观点的论证不够深入，最好能够多举一些例子，或者更加详细说明离家住能够培养独立性的原因。 此外文章用词存在一些问题，部分句子可以写得更加精简。 写作思路： It is better for students to live away from home when they are at university than to live with parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree? 本次作文题目要求我们分析判断大学生在家住和在外面住哪个更好。这里支持正方或者反方都可以。 如果是认为大学生在家住更有好处，可以列举出理由： 1）在家住更加方便，大学生可以节省更多时间学习； 2）在家住能够省下住宿费，这对于贫困学生来说尤其重要； 3）在家住有家长的监督，学生不至于堕落（比如沉迷酒精或者游戏） 如果是认为大学生在外面住更有好处，可以给出理由： 1）在外面住能够培养学生独立生活的能力，这对他们未来的生活有益； 2）大学生选择住学校还能增进同学情谊，提升人际沟通能力； 3）同时，住在学校离各种教学设施更近，有利于学习。 下面是我写的同题作文，对大学生在外面住持支持态度： 文/魏剑峰 University students today are given more latitude in deciding whether to live away from their families or not. While opting to remain home-based may save money and offer some convenience, adopting a different lifestyle yields more long-term benefits. Leaving the parental nest helps youngsters develop independence and prepares them for life’s demands and challenges. Families can act as a shelter and paradoxically, a constraint for youths: a shelter under which they can survive and thrive; a constraint for those who grow reliant on indulgent parents and find it difficult to acquire life skills. By dispensing with home comfort, students have the chance to try out new things and solve problems themselves, whether it be fixing domestic appliances or cooking a meal. In this process, they gain practical experience and lay a solid foundation for future self-reliance. Youngsters living with their peers can better cultivate interpersonal skills, for they are provided with precious opportunities to learn important lessons about open-mindedness and cooperation, from showing respect for roommates’ personal habits to dealing with minor conflicts. Such skills will hold them in a good stead in terms of career development, given that companies large and small have placed a premium on team spirit. Moreover, being school-based has academic perks. College students are able to make and maintain a friendship with their classmates, who can be supportive during group work and collaborative learning. It is also easier for them to get access to educational facilities, i.e. libraries, laboratories, etc. Granted, there are certain disadvantages of moving away from parental supervision. Young people living beyond the reach of their parents may fall prey to instant gratification, such as video games, alcohol and drugs. Rising rents could also become a heavy burden. However, as youngsters learn to be more self-disciplined and seek out financial support by doing part-time jobs or applying for a grant, this will not prove to be much of a problem. In conclusion, I am convinced that the benefits of living away from home outweigh the drawbacks. For those who pursue independence and social maturity, flying the nest is something they should opt for. 预告： 本专栏下期要分析的作文题目是： Individuals can do nothing to improve the environment; only governments and large companies can make a difference. To what extent do you agree or disagree? 感兴趣的同学可以先思考如何写，然后对照下期的思路分析。建议有空的同学自己动笔写一篇。 |
|
|
来自： Krislinyayun > 《待分类》
