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YouTube Intro: Don't do anything weird to yourcrush. Or do. Whatever. (If you can’t watch this video, pleaseupdate your APP to the latest version. ) 10:45 a.m.. Has one snack of peanutsand water. Oh, hi, I'm not doing anythingsuspicious. Have you ever had a certain person youthink is really awesome, and you wantto spend all your time with them? You write their name over and overagain in your journal. You make sacrifices to an effigy of themmade of glitter and straw. No? Just me? Okay. Your first instinct might be to jumpdown a well or into a bottomless minewhere you will seamlessly assimilateinto bat culture, because crushes areterrible. They consume your thoughts. Does this person like me? Will they ever talk to me? How can I make them like me? Oh, God, maybe they're datingsomeone. Just chill, relax. Do you want a massage? No? Personal space, I get it, I get it. First things first, try your darndest not tostalk them on the Internet. The only thing that results in is moreanxiety. You start thinking everyone in everypicture is their significant other. Is that a cousin or a girlfriend? Is that a grandpa or a sugar daddy? It's confusing, I know. The bad news, you can't force anyoneto like you. Usually, when you do that, they end upnot liking you at all. Just sending some letters. Come in. Excuse me, sir. Have you seen a young lady aroundhere, about yea high, pink hair? Nope, nothing like that. Okay, I'll see myself out. That's the third times this week. I'm gonna tell you a secret that's onlybeen transcribed in the oldest, mostancient and spooky of tomes. The absolute only way to get your crushto notice you: talk to them. Use those weird flaps you call lips andform noises into words in their generaldirection. Find about them, their favorite brand oftoothpaste, what kind of masks theylike to wear, normal stuff. If you say nothing, they'll never knowyou're interested, as friends orotherwise. People are nicer than we give themcredit for. We imagine the worst, but inside,everyone's a weird, wiggly ball ofanxiety. And even if it doesn't work out, you didsomething that took courage, and that'ssomething to be proud of. Changing your clothes or actingdifferently in hopes they take notice andask you out just won't work. Think, would that work on you? And besides, if you have to changeyourself to gain their attention, they'renot worth it. Good luck, you loopy lovesick weirdos. Well, you've got a crush to talk to, andI've got a plane to Fiji to catch. See you later. |
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