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Emotional Intelligence 本书关于通过宣传禅宗冥想的方法和优势，来提高情绪智力（国内误作“情商”）（这点还要继续看文章解释EQ和EI的区别），从而提高每个人的Kindness，通过人们相互传递kindness，goodness来达到世界和平。 Chapt 1. 作者是谷歌工作的工程师。他的方法是“scientifically grounded, highly practical, and expressed in alanguage that even I（as a pragmatic person) can understand.” 1. 作者的目的是通过search inside yourself这个课程促进个人发展和世界和平 In Google, the effort to make these methodswidely accessible began when we asked ourselves this question: what if peoplecan also use contemplative practices to help them succeed in life and at work?In other words, what if contemplative practices can be made beneficial both topeople’s careers and to business bottom lines? {Anything that is both good forpeople and good for business will spread widely. If we can make this work,people around the world can become more successful at achieving their goals. Ibelieve the skills offered here will help create greater peace and happiness inyour life and the lives of those around you, and that peace and happiness canultimately spread around the world. 在跋里作者也写到，Myepiphany is that “saving the world” is so hard and takes so much effort that if you strive hard to “save the world”, it is not likely to be sustainable. Instead, it is more skillful to focus on developinginner peace, compassion, and aspiration. When inner peace, compassion, andaspiration are all strong, compassionate action comes naturally andorganically, and hence, it is sustainable. 2.提高情商的三个分支： attention training self-knowledge and self-mastery creating useful mental habits 本书就是关于这三个方面 Chapt 2 1. 情绪智力的定义 The ability to monitor one's own andothers' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use thisinformation to guide one's thinking and actions 是后天习得的 根据经典定义，可以进一步分解为self-awareness，self-regulation，motivation (这三个是intrapersonal intelligence），empathy和scial skills（这两个是interpersonal intelligence) 2. 情绪智力的好处 stellar work performance, outstandingleadership, and the ability to create the conditions for happiness. 其实就是有利工作，有利自己（关于有利自己的mental well-being；作者是这样说的-We all have a set point of happiness that we return to whenever theeuphoria of a pleasant experience or the sting of an unpleasant experiencefades out. Many of us assume this set point to be static, but my personalexperience and that of many others like Matthieu suggest this set point to bemovable with deliberate training.） 3. 情绪智力是可以训练来获得、提高的 4. 训练的途径： （1）Train attention 原因：在stimulus和response中间有一定的space，够专注就能大大利用这个space进行冷静的思考 【重要!The morewe are able to create space between stimulus and reaction, the more control wewill have over our emotional lives. 】 训练attention的途径：mindfulness meditation(“Mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in thepresent moment, and non-judgmentally”.) （2）Train at the level of physiology 情绪和一些Physical的变化紧紧联系（比如生气时胸部和头部会变tihgt）,所以要Train yourself to observe your mind all the time 或者说develop a high-resolutionperception of the body 5.最后提的建议，2 min mindfulness a day - Allyou really need to do is to pay attention moment-to-moment without judging. Itis that simple. 享受、珍惜being的感觉。 Chapt.3 1. 发现老外特别信meditation（当然也特别信去gym。某种意义上两者是同样重要的，一个锻炼心，一个锻炼体。而且都对人整个状态的调整有利。） 这本书用的是meditation中的mindfulness meditation, 并且mindfulness meditation锻炼的是attention和meta-attention两种能力。 2. 怎么做呢 （1）create an intention 这和我每年的new yearresolution都一样的，想个理由，并且坚持 今年的new yearresolution是变干净变漂亮 另外要不要开始每月计划？ （2）follow your breath attention - distraction - regainattentional focus - ... - return to following your breath and, whenever it ishelpful, remind yourself of your intention. Welcome back. 3. 冥想姿势 （1） Back straight “like an arrow” （2） Legs crossed in “lotus position” （3） Shoulders relaxed, held up andback, “like a vulture” （4） Chin tucked in slightly, “like aniron hook” （5） Eyes closed or gazing into space （6） Tongue held against the upperpalate （7） Lips slightly apart, teeth notclenched 或者想像自己是一座（你最喜欢的）山 关键在于这个姿势能让人alertAND relaxed 4.冥想过程中如果If at any time you feel distracted by a sensation, thought, orsound, just acknowledge it, experience it, and very gently let it go. 5. 如果啥都记不到，就记得冥想是关于一句话—— Breathing as if your life depends on it. Chapt 4. 上一章讲怎么通过冥想训练mindfulness，这一章讲怎么在生活中利用mindfulness（或者说attention，利用好stimulus和response中间那段时间差） 两种途径：from restto activity和from self toothers eg. (上章讲的Sitting Meditation) Expensive Food Meditation 认真品味每一餐 Walking Media eg*. creating an artificial environment forone person to speak while another listens mindfully (两个人训练，A演讲三分钟B听,然后轮换）或listenmindfully to another person and generously give him or her the space to speakduring any ordinary conversation（非常专注地听一个人讲话） *注：这种方法（mindful listening)可以进化成mindful conversation。mindful conversation=mindful listening looping（重述、获得反馈、重述以加深理解） dipping（Dipping means checking in withyourself, knowing how you are feeling 身体上的和精神上的about what you are hearing） eg.其他：joyful mindfulness 认真体会小微幸 最后，关键在于坚持。 -------这章开始关于self-awareness(self-knowledge and self-mastery)---------- Chapt. 5 1. Self-awareness就是knowing one's internal states,preferences, resources and intuitions。加深self-awareness意味着要develope clarity within oneself。其中需要开发两种东西：resolution(precision)和vividness(brightness and contrast) 2.self-awareness包含三个方面： (1)emotional awareness(accuratelyperceiving emotions in one's body, knowing where they come from, andunderstanding how they affect one's behavior)感觉和前几章讲的attention是一回事，把握情感的变化 (2)accurate self-assessment(What are mystrengths and weaknesses? What are my resources and limitations? What mattersto me?)最后要达到正确客观地认识自我，不拔高不拉低——self-objectivity (3)self-confidence真正的自信是该有魄力时有魄力，该谦逊时谦逊 作者说，[In most situations, when interacting with people, I let my egobecome small, humble, and mostly irrelevant, while focusing on bringingkindness and benefit to whomever I am interacting with. At the same time, I letmy ego grow to whatever size that allows me to be unintimidated by whomever Iam interacting with, whether it is Bill Clinton, Natalie Portman, a trafficcop, or a large audience watching me on YouTube]* 压力大时如何提高自信？要了解自己的failure mode（为什么会fail，短板是什么）和recovery mode(我是怎么恢复的，恢复的应对策略） 三者是线性关系。 这里作者举了一个很好的例子，当他必须参加一个高级会议而紧张时，他的做法是： Happily, my mindfulness training kicked in.First, I remembered to treat my ego with humor and let it be small enough thatmy “self” did not matter, but big enough that I felt perfectly comfortablespeaking alongside a Nobel peace laureate at a peace conference as an equal.Then I remembered my strengths and limitations—for example, I knew I was anexpert at wisdom practices in a corporate setting but knew nothing aboutcreating national peace infrastructures, so I focused on adding value where Icould contribute the most. I also reminded myself that my main strength was myability to contribute to an atmosphere of peace and humor in a room, so Istayed in a meditative state of Joyful Mindfulness (see Chapter 3) as much as Icould. Finally, I understood my most immediatefailure mode, which was stumbling on English words while speaking, and myrecovery mode strategy, which was to breathe deeply, smile, maintainmindfulness, and not let my occasional faltering bother me. Employing all theseself-awareness–based strategies, I was able to maintain my confidence theentire time. I am glad I learned this stuff. 3. 这章讲的self-awareness和上章讲的mindfulness其实是一回事。而因为mindfulness是可以训练的，self-awareness也是可以训练的。训练渠道 (1)body scan (和训练mindfulness一样用冥想） Scan Body Head Now bring your attention to the top of yourhead, ears, and back of your head. Notice sensations, or lack of sensations,for 1 minute. Face Now move your attention to your face. Yourforehead, eyes, cheeks, nose, lips, mouth, and inside of your mouth (gums,tongue) for 1 minute. Neck and Shoulders Move your attention to your neck, theinside of your throat, and your shoulders for 1 minute. Back Move your attention to your lower back, midback, and upper back for 1 minute. The back carries a lot of our load andstores a lot of our tension. So let us give our backs the kind and lovingattention they deserve. Front Now move your attention to the chest andstomach for 1 minute. If it is possible for you, try to bring attention to yourinternal organs, whatever that means to you. Entire Body at Once And now, bring your attention to yourentire body all at once for 1 minute. Scan for Emotion Did you find any emotion in your body? Ifthere is any, just notice its presence in the body. If not, just notice theabsence of emotions, and catch one if it arises in the next 2 minutes. Positive Emotion Let us now try to experience a positiveemotion in the body. Bring to mind a memory of a happy, joyousevent or a time when you were optimal and productive or a time when you feltconfident. Experience the feeling of positive emotion. Now, bring yourattention to your body. What does that positive emotion feel like in the body?In the face? Neck, chest, back? How are you breathing? Any difference in levelof tension? Let us just experience it for 3 minutes. (2)journaling 其实就是自由自在随便写自己的想法，you are writing to yourself, for yourself, and you will never haveto show this to another person unless you want to. Hence, you can do this withfull honesty. 4.作者强调，我们不是我们的情绪（we are not our emotions）。情绪只是一种生理现象，emotions become what we experience in the body, so we go from “I amangry” to “I experience(feel) anger in my body”. 这意味着我们可以master我们的情绪。 Chapt 6. 这章可以被概括为FromCompulsion to Choice。上章是讲认识自己的情绪（比如通过冥 想和Journaling）这章是讲控制自己的情绪。 1.self-regulation，包括 (1)self-control: keeping disruptiveemotions and impulses in check比如别对老板发火 (2)trustworthiness: maintaining standardsof honesty and integrity (3)conscientiousness: taking responsibilityfor personal performance (4)adaptability: flexibility in handlingchange (5)innovation: being comfortable with novelideas, approaches, and information 作者认为自己能够控制自己，能够作出选择choice而不是被迫compulsion，就能得到上面的五种能力 2.Self-regulation is not about avoiding emotions,nor about denying or repressing true feelings.而是while we cannot stop an unwholesome thought or emotion from arising,we have the power to let it go。对于情绪不是堵，而是疏。 let it go可行吗？作者认为可行。要let it go两样东西，即grasping(比如沉溺于旧日好时光)和aversion(比如厌恶疼痛)。 3.【General Principles for Dealing with Distress】 (1) Know when you are not in pain.该欢乐时就尽情享受欢乐时光；即便是在低潮中 有时也会欢乐。 (2) Do not feel bad about feeling bad. (3) Do not feed the monsters.（monsters cause our distress,occupying the mind and wreaking havoc on our emotions) (4) Start every thought with kindness andhumor.【Every time Ilose my temper or have a greedy or spiteful thought that does not go away for awhile, it is like I have fallen off the wagon again. Of course, I can interpretfalling off the wagon as a humiliating and embarrassing experience. However, itis much more fun to think of the experience as a scene in an oldblack-and-white comedy. Guy falls off wagon in the context of fast, playfulmusic, makes a funny face, dusts himself off, and then climbs back up on thewagon in a quick, awkward, and jerky motion. It is all very funny.So every timeI fail, it is a comedy.】 4. 降到了trigger的问题表现为 (1)Body: Shallow breathing, rapidheartbeat, and sick to the stomach (2)Emotions: Experiencing aflight-or-flight response, either feeling like a “deer in headlights” or havingan emotional outburst (what Goleman famously calls an “amygdala hijack”) (3)Thoughts: Feeling like a victim,thoughts of blame and judgment, difficulty paying attention 要懂得在how todeal with triggers 5. 处理trigger和其他负面情绪的方法——Siberian North Railroad (1) Stop (2) Breathe (3) Notice (4) Reflect (5) Respond (Bring to mind ways in whichyou might respond to this situation that would have a positive outcome)可以委屈自己也可以不委屈自己，关键这件事要有positiveoutcome，对事不对人 -----------------开始讲create useful mentalhabits---------- Chapt 7. 这章讲发现自己的motivation 1.happiness分为三种：pleasure, passion和higher purpose *来自pleasure的幸福感是很难持续的(Once the pleasurable stimulus ceases, or if you habituate to it,then your happiness returns to your default set point)<</span>来自passion的happiness<</span>来自higher purpose的happiness；但我们往往追逐的是pleasure>passion>higherpurpose 所以，the bestway to find motivation at work is to find our own higher purpose. 比如说我最value free time宅着，那么time就是我必须考虑的东西 2.怎么获得motivation (1) Alignment: Aligning our work with ourvalues and higher purpose 或者说，为了快乐而工作come to the office tohobby away and get paid. Alignment基于self-awareness（了解自己才知道自己的价值取向)，而根据前文所言，是可以通过mindfulness来训练出self-awareness的。另外的训练方法是不断地和别人交流和journal. (2) Envisioning: Seeing the desired futurefor ourselves (3) Resilience: The ability to overcomeobstacles in our path；从三个层面上训练，即inner calm，emotional resilience和cognitive resilience(If you have access to a deep inner calm in yourmind, then no matter the ups and downs of day-to-day life, you can always beresilient)(Success and failure are emotional experiences. By working at thislevel, we can increase our capacity for grasping and aversion - let it go). 3.怎么变乐观 (1) becoming aware of our own strongnegative experiential bias 人们总偏向于关注坏事，3件好事才能1件坏事带来的负面感受。要了解这种偏向。 (2) use mindfulness to createself-objectivity 特别是，wheneveryou experience success or failure, first bring mindfulness to your body，注意身体的变化。人不是情绪本身，人只经历情绪。Next, bring mindfulnessto the emotional experience, remembering that the body is where emotionsmanifest most vividly. Finally, bring mindfulness to your thoughts. How are youexplaining the event to yourself? Do you feel powerful or helpless? How areyour thoughts related to your emotions? If this event is an experience ofsuccess, bring mindfulness to the tendency to downplay it, or if the event isan experience of failure, bring mindfulness to its disproportionally strongeffect on you. 【也就是随时使用bodyscan，发现这是一个不断强调的mentalhabit】 (3) transformation and take notes of the successexperience --这章开始不讲intrepersonal intelligence，讲interpersonal的social skills--- Chapt 8. Empathy 1.从科学的角度上说，人都有同情心empathy and compassion，这种empathy源自人们都有的Kindness，能随着锻炼而提高。从与前文的关系看，人的self-awareness越高，就越有empathy的能力（因为人知道自己是什么样的，就越能感受到相同的人的感受）。 2. Empathy Is Not Psychologizing* or Agree** *When we psychologize, we are actuallydismissing the problem, not understanding it. **在作出tough decision的时候也可以同样保持empahy。不一定要agree，但要show (case) your good will，尽量争取 find creative ways that eithersolve everybody’s problems or at least mitigate some concerns in some major way。 3. 怎么提高empathy？正如1.所言，人能感受到相似的人的感受，I Feel What You Feel If You Are Similar to Me。具体做法：Just Like Me/Loving Kindness Meditation Facilitate the growth of others and bringout the best in them - TRUST 4. Empathy有利于构建信任，从而有利于团队工作 5. 团队工作失败的五大原因（金字塔从下到上）：absense of turst < fear of conflict（因为没有trust，人们不愿意参加healthyconflict从而让问题不能得到解决)< lack of commitment < avoidance of accountability < inattention toresults 6.开会时要有三个agenda在心中，这样就能建造团队信任 (1)Assume that everybody in this room ishere to serve the greater good, until proven otherwise. (2) Given the above assumption, wetherefore assume that none of us has any hidden agenda, until proven otherwise. (3) Given the above assumption, wetherefore assume that we are all reasonable even when we disagree, until provenotherwise. 7.锻炼途径，和mindfulness listening类似的emotional listening Praising people skillfully - empathy skillsfor one-on-one interactions 8.First and foremost, always praiseauthentically 首先，不能虚假地赞扬。其次，需要一点技巧。 9.Being praised for being smart is bad foryou.因为一旦出现错误，就会觉得是自己本身的智力出了问题。 10. 所以不要给person praise（与fixed mindset相关）而要给process praise（与growth mindset相关） Political awareness - empathy skills fororganization communication 11. 在组织中也可以有empathy -- political awareness. In political awareness, youunderstand the feelings, needs, and concerns of individual people AND how thosefeelings, needs, and concerns interact with those of others and how that allweaves into the emotional fabric of the organization as a whole. 12. 四大原则 (1) Maintain rich personal networks withinyour organization, especially with allies, mentors, and groups who will supportand challenge you. To do this, care about people, help people, and nurturerelationships. Pay attention to one-on-one relationships, as well asrelationships with key groups—your team, other management teams, customers,stakeholders, etc. (2) Practice reading the underlyingcurrents of your organization. Understand how decisions are made. Are decisionsmade by authority or consensus? Who are most influential in making them? (3) Distinguish between your own self-interest,the interest of your team, and the organization’s interest—everyone has allthree of these interests. It is very important to understand which is which. (4) Utilize your self-awareness to betterunderstand your role in the web of personalities and interactions. Makefrequent use of empathic listening to understand how people feel aboutsituations and about each other. Chapt 9. 再次强调，beingloved、affection、empathy是一种领袖气质（正如上周thesis课讲global leadership所说的那样）。这章讲怎么被喜欢。 1. 首先，出发点是kindness。作者这里举了一个换位思考的例子。 2. 三个能力：leading with compassion, influencing with goodness, 和communicating with insight. leading with compassion 3. compassion不会带来unpleasant的精神状态，而是带来极度幸福感；compassion也对提高领导能力大有助益。 4. 什么是compassion: (1). A cognitive component: “I understandyou” (2). An affective component: “I feel foryou” (3). A motivational component: “I want tohelp you” (1)和(2)→humber (3)→ambitious(for general good) 5.锻炼方法： (1)creating mental habits The premise is the same: the more you thinkabout something, the stronger the neural pathways conducive to that thoughtbecome, and the easier it is to have that thought. (2)visualization When we breathe in, we visualize that we'rebreathing in our own goodness, we visualize multiplying that goodness by ten inour hearts, and then when we breathe out, we visualize giving all that goodnessto the world. After that, we breathe in the goodness of other people and do thesame. If you want, you may visualize the goodness as white light.这个锻炼有三个好处，Seeing goodness in selfand others, Giving goodness to all和Confidence in the transformative power of self (that I can multiplygoodness) *类似的还有tonglen呼吸法 influencing with goodness 6.作者提到一点很有意思，他说关键不在于acquire influence, 而是expand the influence we already have and to use it for the good ofall. 7.人的大脑总是趋向于rewards而避开threat，而且两者的比例不一样。比如说日常生活中三件好事带来的正面效果才能抵消一件坏事带来的负面效果（3:1），婚姻中这个比例进而上升为5:1 8. five domains of social experience thatthe brain treats as primary rewards or threats - SCARF (1)Status | status threat作者认为重要的是自己和之前的自己比，status是否有提升 The good news is there is a good way toincrease your own status without harming others, and that is what David calls“playing against yourself.” When you improve a skill (such as improving yourgolf handicap), you activate a status reward relative to your former self. Thisis perhaps why mastery is such a powerful motivator (see Chapter 6). When yougain increasing mastery over something that matters to you, you activate astatus reward, at least when compared against your former self. (2)Centainty (3)Autonomy 作者又真相了it's notthe stress itself that gets to you; it’s the feeling of helplessness in theface of that stress. (4)Relatedness Relatedness is the perception of whetheranother person is a “friend” or a “foe”. (5)Fairness 9.如何扩大影响力？——靠goodness (1). Know that you already have influence. (2). Strengthen self-confidence. (3). Understand people and help themsucceed. (4). Serve the greater good. communicating with insights 10.effective communication除了empathy还需要有insights 11.如何进行difficult conversation (conversation that are hard to have) (1) Prepare by walking through the “threeconversations”. In every conversation, there are actuallythree conversations going on. They are the content conversation (Whathappened?), the feelings conversation (What emotions are involved?), and theidentity conversation (What does this say about me?). 尽量客观地思考这三个conversation，考虑自己和对方的感受。 (2) Decide whether to raise the issue. Isit a productive intention (for example, to solve a problem, to help somebodydevelop themselves) or is it a nonproductive intention (for example, justwanting to make someone feel bad)? 谈话最好是为了support learning and problemsolving，不然没啥必要谈 (3) Start from the objective “third story”. Invitethe other party to join you as a partner in sorting out the situation together. (4) Explore their story and yours. Listento their story. Empathize. Share your story. Explore how you each perceive thesame situation differently. Reframe the stories from one of blame andaccusation to one of learning about how each contributes to the situation andthe emotions involved. (5) Problem solve 找到两全其美的解决方案，继续保持沟通，关注双方利益 12.作者强调人际关系维护中要注意两个观点 (1) Impact is not the intention.伤害你（impact)的人未必有伤害你的意图（intention)。 (2) Beyond the content and emotions inevery difficult conversation, there are, more importantly, issues of identity.在“困难谈话”中，除了内容和情感，更重要的是这个谈话也涉及到大家的身份问题。一场困难谈话中，人们总忍不住质疑自己：我有能力吗？我是个好人吗？我值得爱吗？ 13. mindful emailing 写邮件时会失去很多nonverbalinformation，比如表情等等。这个交流方式也会造成一定误解。解决方法还是用Mindfulness。 The first thing we recollect is that thereis a human being on the other end, a human being just like me. The second thingwe recollect is this insight that people who receive e-mails unconsciouslyfabricate missing information about the emotional context of the sender, so weapply the appropriate care and caution. 【一个有用的tip：发邮件前检查一遍，站在收者的角度思考。】Before sending,mindfully reflect on the insight that if the emotional context of your messageis unclear, the receiver's brain will just make something up that is likelymore negative than you intended. Put yourself in the receiver’s shoes, pretendyou know nothing about the sender’s (your) emotional context, pretend also thatyou have a negative bias, and read your e-mail. Revise your e-mail ifnecessary. 14. 作者的咒语： Love them. Understand them. Forgive them.Grow with them. |
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