Have you every had to break your family's rules?
你们有没有必须打破家庭规则的经历？
Today, I'm breaking mine, around money, secrecy and shame.
今天，我就要打破我的家中关于金钱、秘密和羞耻的规则。
In 2006, on my brother Keith's 40th birthday, he called.
2006年，在我哥哥基斯40岁生日那天，他打电话给我。
'Tam, I'm in dire straits. I wouldn't ask unless I had to. Can I borrow 7,500 dollars?'
“塔米，我现在处境艰难。不到万不得已，我不会开口的。我能借7500美元吗？”
This wasn't the first time he needed quick cash, but this time, his voice frightened me.
这不是他第一次急需用钱了，但这次，他的声音吓到了我。
I had never heard him so beaten down and shameful, and it was on his 40th birthday.
我从来没听过他这么沮丧和羞愧，而且是在他40岁生日那天。
After a few basic questions that we would all ask, I agreed to loan him the money, but under one condition:
在问了几个我们通常会问的问题后，我同意借他钱，但有一个条件：
that as the financial professional in the family, I wanted to meet with him and his wife to see what was really happening.
作为家庭的财务专家，我想要见他和他的妻子，了解一下到底发生了什么。
Weeks later, we met at the local Starbucks, and I started right in with the tough-love budget conversation.
几周后，我们在本地的星巴克见了面，然后我就开始了一场强硬的预算对话。
'You should sell the house, downsize to something you can afford, sell the toys.
“你们应该卖掉房子，精简到能负担得起的东西，卖掉玩具。
And Starbucks? Give up the five-dollar-a-day coffee.'
咖啡吗？不要再每天花5美元买咖啡了。”
You know, all the trappings that we do to keep up with the Joneses.
这些都是爱慕虚荣导致的后果。
Quickly, my brother and his wife went into a fearsome blame game, and it got messy.
很快，我哥哥和嫂子陷入了一场可怕的责备漩涡，事情开始变得一发不可收拾。
I vacillated between therapist and pissed-off sister. I wanted them to be better than this.
我在治疗师和被激怒的妹妹角色之间摇摆不定。我想要他们过得更好。
'Come on, you two. Get your shit together. You're parents. Grow up and buck up.'
“得了，你俩，一起振作起来，都为人父母了。醒醒吧，振作起来。”
After we left, I called my mom, but Keith beat me to it, and he told her that I wasn't helpful.
我们离开后，我打电话给母亲，但基斯抢先了，他告诉她我帮不上忙。
In fact, he was hurt and felt ganged-up on. Of course he did. I shamed him with my tough-love budget conversation.
事实上，他很受伤，感觉没人站在他那一边。确实如此，我用强硬的预算对话羞辱了他。
Two months went by when I received a call.
两个月后，我接到个电话。
'Tam? I have bad news. Keith committed suicide last night.'
“塔米，有个坏消息。基斯昨晚自杀了。”
Days later, at his home, I went looking for answers, in his 'office' -- the garage.
几天后，在他家，我想要找到答案，在他的“办公室”--车库。
There, I found a stack of overdue credit card bills and a foreclosure notice served to him on the day that he died.
在那儿，我发现了一堆过期的信用卡账单，和一张他自杀那天收到的止赎通知。
My brother left behind his beautiful 10-year-old daughter, his brilliant 18-year-old son,
我的哥哥留下了他美丽的10岁女儿，以及一个聪明的儿子，已经18岁了，
weeks before his high school graduation, and his wife of 20 years.
几个星期后就要高中毕业，还有相伴20年的妻子。
How did this happen? My brother was caught in our family's money-shame cycle, and he was far from alone in this.
为什么会发生这样的事？我哥哥受困于家庭财务羞耻的循环，而这样的人远不止他一个。
Suicide rates among adults ages 40 to 64 have risen nearly 40 percent since 1999.
40到64岁的中年人，自杀率自1999年来上升了近40%。
Job loss, bankruptcy and foreclosures were present in nearly 40 percent of the deaths,
失业、破产和丧失房屋抵押赎回权出现在40%的死亡案例中，
with white middle-aged men accounting for seven out of 10 suicides.
10个自杀的人中，就有7个是中年白人男性。
What I've learned is that our self-destructive and self-defeating financial behaviors are not driven by our rational, logical minds.
我所了解的是，我们的自我毁灭和挫败的财务行为并不是由我们理性、合乎逻辑的头脑所驱动的。
Instead, they are a product of our subconscious belief systems rooted in our childhoods and so deeply ingrained in us,
相反，它们是我们潜意识信念系统的产物，根植于我们的童年，根深蒂固地跟随着我们，
they shape the way that we deal with money our entire adult lives,
它们塑造了我们整个成年生活处理金钱的方式，
and so many of you are left believing that you're lazy, crazy or stupid -- or just bad with money.
你们中很多人都认为自己很懒、疯狂或不够聪明--或者不善赚取钱财。
This is what I call money shame. Dr. Brené Brown, a well-known shame researcher,
这就是我所说的金钱羞耻。布勒内·布朗博士，是位知名的羞耻研究者，
defines shame as 'the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed,
把羞耻定义为“相信我们是有缺陷的，因此不值得拥有爱和归属感的，
and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.'
极度痛苦的感觉或经历。”
Based on this definition, here's how I'm defining money shame:
基于他的定义，这是我所定义的金钱羞耻：
'the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed, and therefore unworthy of love and belonging,
“相信我们是有缺陷的，因此不值得拥有爱和归属感的，极度痛苦的感觉或经历，
based on our bank account balances, our debts, our homes, our cars and our job titles.'
基于我们的银行账户余额，我们的负债，我们的家庭，我们的汽车以及我们的工作头衔。”
Let me give you a couple of examples of what I mean.
我来举例说明我的意思。
I believe that we all have money shame, whether you earn 10,000 dollars a year or 10 million,
我认为我们都有金钱羞耻，不管你每年赚1万美金还是1千万美金，
and it's because we give money all of our power.
这是因为我们把所有权力都给了钱。
Here's what it would look like if someone that you love, or you, might have money shame.
如果你爱的人或你有金钱羞耻，就可能会有这样的表现。
They play the big shot, always picking up the check, financially rescuing family and friends.
他们扮大款，总是主动签单，给予家人和朋友金钱上的帮助。
They are financially secure, but they live in a state of chronic not-enoughness.
他们在经济上是安全的，但长期生活在不充裕的状态。
They drive a Mercedes, but their budget really only can afford a Honda. And they're looking good at every cost.
他们开奔驰车，但实际预算只能买得起一辆本田车。花出去的每一笔钱，好像对生活都没什么影响。
I know that we can break free from the grips of money shame, because I did.
我知道我们可以摆脱金钱的束缚，因为我就有过这样的经历。
Shortly after my brother's death, the Recession hit.
在我哥哥死后不久，经济衰退就开始了。
I lost my business and faced bankruptcy. Secretly, I was terrified.
我丢掉了生意并面临破产。私下说，我被吓到了。
I stayed in my home for a year, thinking I did something wrong, told myself, 'What did you do? What happened?'
我在家里呆了整整一年，总想着我把事情搞砸了，不停自问，“你到底做了什么？究竟发生了什么？”
I stayed silent, while all along, I went outside and smiled. Nobody knew. That's money shame.
我保持沉默，但自始至终，我走到外面都面带微笑。没人知道我内心经历着什么。那是金钱羞耻。
So what I had to do was let go of the grip that I had on knowing all the answers.
所以我要做的就是承认自己也会犯错误。
I was the know-it-all in my family, and I had to give up the idea that a new financial plan was the solution.
我曾是家里的万事通，我不得不放弃一个新的财务计划是解决方案的这个想法。
And so just like everything in my life, for me, I was sent a human to help, and I accepted the help,
就像我生活中的一切，有人被派来帮助我，我接受了帮助，
but I had to do major self-inquiry about my family's money history and my money beliefs.
但是我必须对我家庭的金钱历史和我的金钱理念进行重大的自我反省。
We have to start having this conversation. Money can no longer be a taboo topic.
我们必须开始进行这样的对话。金钱不再是一个禁忌话题。
We have to get honest with each other that we're suffering with money issues,
我们必须诚实地对待彼此，承认我们正受到金钱问题的困扰，
and let's get real -- we have to stop numbing out our pain.
让我们现实一点--我们必须停止假装万事大吉。
In order to uncover the painful parts of your money story and your money history, you can't be numb.
要揭开你的金钱故事和金钱历史的痛苦伤疤，你不能再麻木不仁了。
We have to let go of our past in order to be free.
为了获得自由，我们必须放弃过去。
Letting go of the past happens through surrender, faith and forgiveness.
放弃过去是通过投降、信仰和宽恕来实现的。
Debt is the tangible manifestation of not forgiving.
债是不宽恕的有形表现。
If you have debt, you've not completely forgiven your past,
如果你有负债，你就还没有完全原谅你的过去，
so it's our work to forgive ourselves and others so that we can live freely.
所以我们的工作就是原谅自己和他人，这样我们才能活得自由。
Otherwise, our history will continue to repeat.
否则，我们的历史就会一次次重演。
This is not a quick fix, and I know we all want one, but it's a slow wake-up.
这不是一个快速的解决方案，我知道我们都想走捷径，但这是一种缓慢的觉醒。
This is another level of work. We have to go higher to get it, to get at it.
这是另一个层次的工作。我们必须更上一层楼才能得到它，去解决它。
So try this: follow your dollars. Your money will show you right away what you value. Where's it going?
试试这个方法：记账。你的钱会立刻显示出你的价值。它去哪儿了？
And then ask yourself: Do I really value all this stuff?
然后问你自己：我真的很重视这些东西吗？
And get curious about what you're feeling when you're spending.
在花钱的时候留意自己的感受。
Are you lonely? Are you bored? Or are you just excited?
你感到孤单吗？你感到无聊吗？或者你只是觉得激动？
But there's deeper work that needs to happen.
但还有更深层的工作需要去做。
How did you get all these money beliefs to begin with?
你的这些财务观是怎么来的？
I call this your money autobiography, and as a money coach, this is the first step I take with my clients.
我把这叫做你的金钱自传，作为金钱教练，这是我跟客户交谈的第一步。
Think back to your earliest childhood money memory. What did it feel like when you got money?
回想一下你童年时的金钱记忆。当你拿到钱的时候，感觉怎么样？
Were you excited, proud or confused? And what did you do with the money?
你是激动、骄傲还是迷惑？你都用钱做什么了？
Did you run with the candy store, or did you run to the bank?
你是去糖果店了，还是存银行了？
And what did you hear your parents say, and what did you see your parents do with the money?
你听到父母说了什么，看到他们如何对待金钱了吗？
My brother and I heard, 'More money will make us happy.' Every day. 'More money will make us happy.'
我哥哥和我听到过，“更多的钱会让我们幸福。”每天都能听到。“更多的钱会让我们幸福。”
And we internalized that into the money belief that our self worth was equal to our net worth as we watched our mom live in a state of chronic not-enoughness.
当我们看到母亲生活在长期的不充裕状态中，就会将其内化到我们的金钱信念中，那就是，我们的自我价值等于我们的净资产。
And she numbed the pain with sugar and shopping.
她用糖和购物逃避痛苦。
So what did we do? Keith played out my mother's life.
我们又是怎么做的呢？基斯上演了我母亲的人生。
He was an underearner, longed to be financially rescued, and he numbed out the pain with alcohol.
他收入不足，渴望得到经济上的拯救，用酒精自我麻醉。
I did the opposite. I became a high earner, rescuer, and I numbed the pain out with self-help books.
我则相反。我成了一个高收入者、救助者，我用励志书籍来麻醉自己。
But what we had in common was our money belief. We both believed that our bank account balance was equal to our self worth.
但我们有着共同的金钱信念。我们都相信我们的银行存款余额等于我们的自我价值。
Looking back at the Starbucks meeting with my brother ... he didn't need a budget and my judgment.
回头再看我和哥哥在星巴克的会面...他不需要做预算，也不需要我的评判。
He needed a breakthrough from his suffering, and he needed my compassion.
他需要打破所承受的痛苦，他需要我的同情。
Keith was not able to be the one to speak up and break our family money shame cycle,
基斯无法说出他的心声，打破我们家族金钱羞耻的循环，
so he left me to do the work and share his legacy. Change is difficult, but in my family, not changing is fatal.
所以他留下我去做这项工作，去分享他的遗产。改变很难，但在我的家庭中，不改变是致命的。
So I did the work, and I have experienced deep and profound forgiveness,
于是我做了这个工作，我经历了刻骨铭心的宽恕，
and as I stand here today, I am living on purpose, I serve, and money serves me.
当今天我站在这里的时候，我带着明确的目标生活着。我服务社会，而金钱为我服务。
It only takes one person in your family to break through the money-shame cycle.
只需要一个家人，就可以打破家庭金钱羞耻的循环。
I want you to be the one. Thank you.
我希望你能成为这个人。谢谢。
