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Dear Tesla Model 3 Street Racers: The future is still bleak. Dear Tesla Model 3 street racers: The future is good. But the future for you Tesla Model 3 Drivers are still bleak like the semester after the day you had your trousers pulled down in front of the whole class. Maybe Elon Musk’s speech, “...to give combustion engine a hardcore smack down” ignited the fire in you. You believed that - like you believed you are better than the people who wronged you. Wait… that’s not all. So here, let me describe you more thoroughly like a fucking mirror that you hate looking into. You stare the Model 3 brochure, in bold and huge font it says 0-60 mph in 3.2 s, priced as low as $28,950. That’s all you see. Not range, not charging, not anything else. You mumble to yourself, 3.2 seconds, that’s super car speed! No one can beat me off the line on the street. I will embarrass anyone who drive a more expensive car than me. For the price of a well-equipped Camry! And I don’t need to spend money on fuel at all. What a bargain! Then you finally picked one up. But you don’t install a charging station at home because your similar-minded friends informed you that there are free charging stations only 20 miles from your home. So you assume the people who install charging station at home are retarded. At a dinner party, you are very charged to announce that you now live in the future to everyone present, but you secretly hope for someone to ask you first because that stacks a huge chunk to your penis and stretches a whopping 2 minutes more erection time. “Yea! Instant torque man! This morning a BMW next to me wanted to race me and I just smoked him off the line.” “Yea I can use if for like 2 days and charge it up for free dude. Every time I pass a gas station I just laugh at them.” “You know I saw the ad for the new Mercedes, one of those 63 things. Nearly triple the price of Model 3 and same 0-60 mph. Ridiculous right? I don’t understand these stupid rich bastards, when spending one third of their money is enough. Why spend more? How small are their penises?” “I think the future is gonna be all electric you know. It’s just better. It’s so clean. And it’s so much cheaper than regular cars man. From now on I only drive electric cars. Humans have been destroying the earth for so long and I want to do my part in saving our planet. It’s really unfair that they fucked it up and we have to pick up their shit behind them. I’m happy the gas price is increasing. Or they’ll never learn.” “Oh mine is not the performance model. Mine is standard. Dude like, not even 30 grand and I haven’t been beaten off the line since the day I bought it. You tell me if it’s worth it.” The conversation goes on. You never noticed the dirty looks from your manager and your co worker Tim who was driving the BMW which you jumped at the traffic light that morning. Tim was with his young beautiful wife. You loathe yourself every time your eyes meet hers when she glances blandly across the table. The drive home was pretty quiet that evening. Partially because your car is electric, partially because there isn’t anyone else in your 5 seater car. You flash past so many ludicrously slow combustion engine cars and smiling sadistically until you glimpse at the screen and range is only 5 miles. So you turn off the AC, radio, even dim the brightness of the screen, and decelerate to the speed of a 16 wheeler. You arrive at the free charging station, only to find there are about 10 cars waiting in line ahead of you. You take out your phone hoping to kill the time but your phone has 10% battery left and you can’t charge it on your car because you are afraid the car would run out of battery before you get your turn so you shut the car off. Thanks to you people, electric cars will never surpass combustion engine cars. Thanks to you people, Tesla will never realize that cars are not merely transportation. You went everywhere in combustion engine cars your whole life and now because the electric motor that can catch people off guard you just toss all of the fond memory down the trash chute. I hope this mirror is bloody clear enough that the next time you tease someone on the street. I hope it shines a light onto your hopeless tomorrow and set you on permanent fire that cannot be put out. Just like a Tesla. Thank you Yours truly |
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