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你平时说过谎吗？你是否会无意识地欺骗自己？Cortney Warren博士表示，我们经常会自我欺骗，而直面自我欺骗是一生的课题。当我们接受事实，直面真实的自己时，才会有机会做出改变，去过对自己来说最充实的人生。 视频：雅思口语 Humans are masters of self-deception. We fool ourselves into believing things that are false and we refuse to believe things that are true. I was in graduate school when I really started delving into the topic of self-deception. And it rocked my world. 人类是自我欺骗的大师。我们欺骗自己去相信错误的，而却拒绝相信真相。我是在研究生时开始深究自我欺骗这一课题的。这个课题彻底改变了我的世界。 I saw it everywhere, in everyone. We lie to ourselves about the smallest details, such as how much we really ate today, and why we didn't list our actual height and weight on our driver's license. 我随时随地、在每人身上都能看到自我欺骗。我们对自己的欺骗体现在极微小的细节，比如今天到底吃了多少，为什么不在驾照上填真实身高体重。 We lie to reflect our aspirational goals: 'I'll only have one glass of wine tonight,' - when I know I'm drinking at least three. We lie to uphold social ideals: 'I never have sexual thoughts with anyone except my spouse,' because that wouldn't be acceptable. We lie about our most important life choices, such as why we married who we did, or chose our given career path. Unfortunately, for all the romantics out there, love is rarely the full motivation for those choices. 我们的谎言反应了内心的期望目标：“我今晚只喝一杯酒”。事实上我知道自己要喝至少3杯。我们撒谎也是为了维持理想的社会道德：“我从未对我配偶以外的人有性幻想”因为那样是不能接受的。关于最重要的人生选择，我们也会撒谎。比如为何选择现在的配偶、或现在的事业。不幸的是，对所有的浪漫主义者来说，爱却往往不是那些选择的主要原因。 Nowhere was self-deception more obvious than in my romantic relationships. I was terrified of being left. My fear of abandonment led me to act in ways that are still hard for me to admit - anxiously awaiting a phone call, driving to see if he was where he said he would be, asking repeatedly if he loved me. At the time, I couldn't have told you any of that, because I wouldn't have been able to admit it to myself. 自我欺骗在我的爱情里表现的最突出。我非常害怕被抛弃。这种害怕让我有一些特定的行为，虽然至今都难以承认：焦虑地等一个电话，开车去看他是否真在他所说的地方，不停地问他是否爱我。那时，我不可能告诉你这些，因为我对自己都不能承认这些事实。 At the core, we lie to ourselves because we don't have enough psychological strength to admit the truth and deal with the consequences that will follow. That said, understanding our self-deception is the most effective way to live a fulfilling life. For when we admit who we really are, we have the opportunity to change. 核心在于，我们对自己撒谎是因为没有足够心理承受力去承认这一切，并处理随之而来的后果。尽管如此，了解自我欺骗却是活得充实的最有效的方法。因为当我们承认真实的自己时，我们就有机会做出改变。 It's hard to look at this photo and think, 'Liars!' But our self-deceptive tendencies start here. From a very early age we start observing and making conclusions about ourselves and our environment. Right or wrong, the conclusions we made affected our identity. 看着这些照片，你很难想到“骗子！”这个词。但我们的自我欺骗倾向就始于这里。很小的时候，我们就开始观察并对周围环境和自己下结论。对与错，这些结论影响了我们的身份。 As adults, we will most want to lie about how psychologically painful realities experienced as children affected who we are today. Perhaps you were raised in a single parent home, in which you were neglected by your father. You learned that something was wrong with you - you weren't smart enough, attractive enough, athletic enough. You concluded that to make people love you, you need to be perfect. 作为成年人，我们最想掩盖的是童年时现实所造成的心理创伤如何影响了今天的我们。也许你成长于单亲家庭，你的父亲经常忽视你。你了解到自己有些问题：你不够聪明，不够吸引人，不善于运动。你下结论说，要让大家爱你，你必须变得完美。 As an adult, when someone points out your imperfections, you feel tremendous anxiety but deny where it comes from. Perhaps you felt ugly as a child because you were teased for your appearance. You learned to eat in response to emotional pain. As an adult, you struggle to maintain a stable weight, because your eating has very little to do with hunger. Perhaps you watched your parents fight. You learned to avoid conflict. Now, you struggle to admit even feeling negative emotion. 作为成年人，当有人指出你的缺点时，你感到非常不安，但却否认原因何在。也许你小时候觉得自己丑，因为你曾因外貌被耻笑。你学会了内心痛苦时求助于食物。到了成年，你苦于要稳定体重，因为你吃东西很少是由于饥饿。也许你看过父母争吵。你学会了避免冲突。现在，你甚至难以承认消极情感。 Although each of our specific childhood learnings will be unique, what we learned will be exemplified in the lies we tell ourselves as adults. Psychological theories of human nature can help us understand our self-deception. Sigmund Freud first described lying through ego-defense mechanisms: Psychological strategies that protect our egos - our core sense of self - from information that would hurt us. 尽管我们每人的童年经历都很独特，我们所学到的都会反映在成年后的谎言里。人类本性的心理理论，会帮助我们理解自我欺骗。弗洛伊德最先通过自我防御机制描述撒谎：这些心理战略用于保护我们的自我——核心自我意识——不受某些信息的伤害。 Denial: Refusing to believe that something is true,even though it is. 'I don't have a problem with alcohol,' - even though I drink everyday. 'I'm not jealous,' - even though I secretly check my partner's email. 否认：拒绝相信一些事实即使那是真的。“我并没有酒精上瘾”——即使我每天喝酒。“我并没有嫉妒”——尽管我偷偷翻看爱人的邮件。 Rationalization: Creating a reason to excuse ourselves. 'I wouldn't have yelled at you if you hadn't treated me so unfairly,' thereby justifying my yelling. 'I know that smoking isn't good for my health, but it helps me relax,' thereby justifying my smoking. 理性化：创造一个理由来原谅自己。“如果你没有对我不公平，我本不会冲你吼的。”这样就为喊叫找到了借口。“我知道吸烟对我不好，但是它能让我放松。”这样就为吸烟找到了理由。 Projection: Taking an undesirable aspect of ourselves and ascribing it to someone else. 'I'm not like that. You're like that.' When dating someone you've lost interest in, you say things like, 'You're not ready for this relationship,' when, in fact, you're not ready for this relationship and never will be! 推测：将对自己不满意的一面归咎于他人。“我不是那样。你才是那样。”当你对约会对象失去兴趣后，你会说，“在这段关系里，你还没准备好。”而其实，是你没准备好而且永远不会！ Pioneers in the cognitive-behavioral realms describe how our thoughts deceive us through cognitive distortions - irrational ways we think. 意识-行为界的先驱们描述了我们的想法如何通过意识扭曲（不合理的思考方式）来欺骗我们。 Polarized Thinking: Thinking in extremes. 'I will either eat no cookies or an entire box, because if I eat one cookie, I've already blown my diet, so I might as well keep eating.' 两极思考：极端地思考。“我要么不吃饼干，要么吃一盒，因为如果吃一块我已经打乱了节食，所以不如继续吃。” Emotional Reasoning: Thinking that our feelings accurately reflect reality. 'I feel hurt; so you must have done something bad to me.' 'I feel stupid; consequently I am stupid.' 情感推理：认为情感准确反映了现实。“我感觉很受伤，你肯定对我做了错事。”“我觉得自己好蠢，最终我会变得愚蠢。” Overgeneralization: Taking a single negative event as an infinite spiral of defeat. After going through a bad breakup, you think, 'I am always going to be alone.' After getting denied a promotion at work, you think, 'I am never going to be successful in my career.' 笼统概括：把一个消极事件看成失败的无限循环。经历一次痛苦分手后，你就想“我要永远孤独了。”一次升职遭到拒绝后，你想“我的职业生涯要一事无成了。” From an existential perspective, we deceive ourselves to avoid the Givens of Life - the fundamental realities of 'being human' that we must face. 从存在主义角度看，我们欺骗自己以避免“既定的生命”——我们必须面对的“作为人类”的基本现实。 Death – we’re all going to die; 死亡：我们终将死去。 Ultimate aloneness - we were born as a single person housed in a solitary physical body; 终极孤独：我们生来就是存在于孤立躯体里的独立个体。 Meaninglessness - our lives are inherently meaningless unless we give them meaning; and Freedom - we are responsible for ourselves because we have the freedom of choice. 无意义：我们的生命本无意义，除非我们给予它意义。还有，自由：我们为自己负责，因为我们有选择的自由。 To avoid confronting these realities, we frequently lie to ourselves: 'I am this way because of my upbringing;' - thereby deferring responsibility for my choices. 'The bad things on the news would never happen to me;' - because I am somehow special, and uniquely protected from harm. 'I won’t write a will. I am young. I’m not going to die anyway;' - thereby denying our mortality. 为避免这些现实，我们常常对自己撒谎：“我之所以这样，全因我的家庭教育”因而推出自己的选择该归责于谁。“新闻里的坏事不会发生在我身上”因为我比较特殊，所以能免于伤害。“我不会写遗言。我还年轻。总之我不会死。”从而就否定了死亡。 Multicultural and feminist psychologists describe how internalization of cultural norms affect us. Here, we deceive ourselves by believing what we were culturally conditioned to believe is true, instead of deciding what we actually believe is true. Do you compromise yourself to meet cultural norms? Do you think you need to look a certain way, be a certain weight, earn a certain income, get married, have children, be religious because you are supposed to or because you believe that it's right for you? 多文化和女性主义心理学家们描述了文化准则的内化如何影响我们。这里，我们欺骗自己是通过相信我们的文化决定了我们相信什么，而非通过决定自己到底相信什么。你是否会对文化准则妥协？你是否认为自己需要以特定方式思考，有特定的体重，挣特定数量的钱，结婚、生子、信教，因为这些是你该做的还是因为这些是适合你的？ All of these theories of human nature help us understand how we deceive ourselves on a daily basis. Why should you care? Self-deception leads to massive amounts of pain and regret. To avoid being honest, we frequently make choices with harmful consequences to ourselves and others - we may use drugs, alcohol, eat, shop, gamble, steal, lie, leave people or pass our emotional baggage down to those we love the most. 所有这些人类本性的理论帮我们理解我们每天是如何欺骗自己。你为何该关心这个呢？自我欺骗能导致巨大的痛苦和悔恨。为逃避诚实，我们通常作出的选择会伤害自己和他人——我们可能嗑药、酗酒、暴食、狂购、赌博、偷窃、撒谎、离开某人。或是将自己的情感包袱强加于我们最爱的人。 Or, we may choose not to change even when we are miserable or causing profound harm to those around us. Looking back at life with regret is incredibly painful, because you can't change your choices in the past. As I shared earlier, I struggled greatly in my romantic relationships. I knew that I didn't feel safe, but I believed it was my boyfriend's fault - if he just called me more, told me he loved me more, then I would feel safe. The truth was there was nothing he could do to make me feel safe, because my feelings had nothing to do with him. The reason I didn't feel safe is that I learned as a child that people would always leave me, and I lived my life making choices consistent with that belief. When we don't take full responsibility for who we are, we hurt ourselves and everyone around us. 或者，我们会拒绝改变，即使我们过得痛苦或给周围人造成深重伤害。带着悔恨回首人生是极其痛苦的，因为你无法改变过去的选择。如我开始所说，我在爱情中痛苦挣扎过。我知道自己没有安全感，但却相信是我男朋友的错——如果他能多给我打电话，多跟我说爱我，那么我就会感到安全了。而事实是他无法做任何事来让我感到安全，因为我的感受都与他无关。我缺安全感的原因是，我在小时候了解到周围人总会离开我，而我一生的选择总基于这种想法。我们伤害了自己和周围的人。 Now what? How do we start acknowledging the lies we tell ourselves? How do we start becoming more honest liars? The first step is self-awareness - we become observers of ourselves. When you have a strong emotional reaction to something, pause. When what you say doesn't match how you act, pause. When you're thinking irrational thoughts, pause. Ask yourself: What does this say about me? 现在怎样呢？我们如何承认对自己的谎言？如何成为更诚实的骗子呢？第一步是自我意识——变成自己的观察者。当你对任何事有强烈的情感反应时，先停下。当你言行不一时，先停下。当你有不理智的想法时，先停下。问问自己：这说明了我的什么？ Similarly, most of us spend a tremendous amount of energy trying to get over someone or something that happened to us. And we generally avoid examining our contribution to conflict in our lives. When you are unresolved about something or someone, pause. Ask yourself: What does my reaction to this situation say about me? As we become more honest and aware, we also become more responsible for our choices. If we admit that we are insecure about something - which we all are - we're now confronted with a choice: to work on our insecurity or not. 类似地，大多数人花大量精力试图忘却过去的某人某事。而且我们基本上回避审视自己在争论的责任。当你对某人某事意犹未决时，停下。问问自己：这种情况反映了我的什么？当我们变得更诚实和有意识，我们也对自己的选择更有责任感。如果承认自己对某事无安全感——我们都是这样——就会面临一个选择：处理这种不安全感还是忽视。 Whatever we decide, we are now more responsible for the consequences of our insecurity, because we know better. Not changing when confronted with the truth is a choice. Although we can’t control many circumstances we encounter in life, we are responsible for our reactions to all of them. In that vein, one of the best ways to confront our self-deception is psychotherapy. 无论如何决定，我们现在都对不安全感的后果更有责任感，因为我们对此了解更多。面临事实而不改变，也是一种选择。尽管我们无法控制生命中的种种情况，我们都对自己做出的反应负责。在这种状态下，面对自我欺骗的最好的方式之一就是心理治疗法。 It is probably the only relationship that you will ever have in your entire life that exists solely to benefit you. Yet, a great deal of stigma exists around therapy. People frequently say things like, 'I don't need therapy. It's only for crazy or weak people who can't help themselves.' The truth is, it takes tremendous courage to be completely vulnerable to another human being. Therapy is truly a gift if you are courageous enough to accept it. Confronting our self-deception is a lifelong journey. We change and the world offers us new opportunities to understand ourselves. There is always more to learn. I was on the perfect path to be a successful academic. 这可能是至今你遇到的唯一一个为你的利益而存在的一种关系。然而，这种治疗经常带来羞耻感。人们经常这样说：“我不需要治疗。这都是针对那些疯子或软弱的人、无法自救的人。”事实是，在另一个人面前完全展示脆弱，需要很大勇气。如果你有勇气接受它，治疗真的是一种福利。直面自我欺骗，是需要一生的过程。我们改变，则世界会给予我们新的机遇来了解我们自己。总是有更多需要学习的。 I received tenure here at UNLV, two years ago. And in about six weeks, I will be unemployed, because I resigned. Getting tenure and then quitting is about the last thing anyone would expect from a faculty member. Especially me. I love psychology! I love teaching. I love research. I love my department. I had an amazing experience at UNLV. But the truth is, my passion isn't in academia anymore. To admit that to myself was brutally painful! Because I had to confront all of my self-deceptive tendencies and insecurities. 我曾经踏上了走向学术成功之路。两年前我接受了内华达大学拉斯维加斯分校的终身任职。而6个星期之后我将会失业，因为我已经辞职了。得到终身职位却辞职，大概任何人都不会想到一个教职工会这样做。除了我。我爱心理学！我爱教书，我爱研究，我爱我们系。我在拉斯维加斯分校的经历难忘。但事实是，我不再想做学术了。对自己承认这一点真是相当痛苦！因为我必须面对我的自我欺骗倾向和不安全感。 'What if I disappoint people? What will my family say? What am I going to do? What if I can’t support myself? Who am I if I am not a professor? What if my whole life changes!? What if my whole life doesn't change?' If I had chosen to stay in academia, I would have paid a huge psychological price. I would have to admit that I was not strong enough to make different choices for myself when confronted with the truth. “万一我让别人失望怎么办？我的家人怎么想？之后要怎么做？万一失去经济保障呢？我不当教授了要干什么？万一我的生命彻底改变呢！？抑或是一点也没变呢？”如果我选择留在学术界，我就得付出沉重的心理代价。我就会不得不承认自己不够坚强，当面对事实时为自己做出不同的选择。 Be more honest liars. Choose to become more honest about the lies you tell yourself. Use the truth to live the most fulfilling life for you, because you've only got one. 成为更诚实的骗子吧。面对那些对自己撒的谎，更诚实吧。接受事实，去过对自己来说最充实的人生，因为你只有一次机会。 |
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