Metro English - 280 - How to Truly Say You're Sorry？

 How to Truly Say You're Sorry？

如何真诚地说“对不起”？

7 Ways to Truly Say You're Sorry

How to craft better apologies.

如何更好地表达歉意。

There's a reason the song is called "Hard to Say I'm Sorry." Apologizing doesn't come easily or naturally for most people, including me. We often get too wrapped up in our own lives and needs to consider how we might be hurting others, whether intentionally or unintentionally. In many of these instances, a genuine apology is not only necessary, but perhaps the only thing that can repair an otherwise broken relationship. 

有一首歌被叫做“很难说对不起”，是有原因的。对于包括我在内的大多数人来说，道歉并不容易，也不自然。我们常常过于专注于自己的生活，需要考虑有可能伤害到了他人，无论是有意还是无意。在许多这样的情况下，真诚的道歉不仅是必要的，而且可能是唯一可以修复一段原本破裂的关系的方法。

As someone who has always struggled with making heartfelt apologies to loved ones, I turned to experts for advice on how to be better at saying "I'm sorry."

有些人一直不知如何向所爱的人表示衷心的歉意，我则向专家寻求如何更好地说“对不起”的建议。

1. Acknowledge that what you did wrong. 

    要认清你做错了什么。

The first step to making an apology, according to Dr. Elizabeth M. Minei, is to explain the error. The person who made the mistake should acknowledge and demonstrate their understanding of why they hurt the other person. "The reason for this step is that an offer of 'Sorry!' without communicating that you've understood why the words or actions were hurtful results in less of an impact to the hearer," she says.

伊丽莎白 米尼博士说，道歉的第一步是解释错误。犯错的人应该承认并证明他们认识到自己为什么伤害了对方。 她说：”这一步的原因是如果你先说 ‘对不起！‘而你没有告诉别人你已经理解了为什么这些话或行为伤害到对方，那么对对方的影响就会更大。”

2. Be sincere.

    要真心实意

This seems like a no-brainer, but we live in a culture where superficial and qualified non-apologies are the norm for politicians and public figures. Often, they will say something like, 'I'm sorry if I hurt you,' or 'I'm sorry but...' A sincere and humble apology, according to New York City-based therapist Kimberly Hershenson, doesn't attempt to justify wrongdoing. Instead, it "shows that you recognize your hurtful actions, accept responsibility, and are willing to change." 

这看起来很简单，但我们生活在这样一种文化中：对于政治家和公众人物来说，肤浅和合格的不道歉是常态。通常，他们会说“如果我伤害了你，我很抱歉”或“我很抱歉，但是……”根据纽约市的治疗师金伯利 赫申森的说法，一个真诚而谦虚的道歉，并不是要为错误行为辩护。相反，它“表明你认识到你的伤害行为，接受所要承担的责任，并愿意做出改变。”

3. Ask for forgiveness. 

   请求原谅

When you ask for forgiveness, you give the other person a chance to react and respond. Give them time. Even if they never come around, this is an important gesture that puts the ball back in their court. "It gives them the opportunity to either take it or leave it," says mental health and relationship expert Keba Richmond-Green.

当你请求原谅的时候，你给了对方一个思考和回应的机会。给他们时间。即使他们不再回头，这也是一个重要的姿态，就是把问题摆到桌面上。”心理健康和关系专家凯巴·里士满·格林说：“这给了他们一个要么接受要么放弃的机会。

4. Don't think of an apology as winning or losing. 

    不要把道歉看成输赢。

In her practice, marriage and family therapist Carolyn Cole has seen too many couples say they just want to win or be right in a fight. But saying the words "I'm sorry" when you have crossed a line isn't the same as saying, "You're completely right in this situation." Instead, Cole says, an apology simply means that "you value the relationship more than your ego."

在婚姻家庭咨询师卡罗琳·科尔的实践中看到过太多的夫妇说他们只想在一场争斗中获胜或是成为对的一方。但是，当你做了越界的事后说“对不起”并不等于说“你在这种情况下完全正确”。相反，科尔说，道歉只是意味着“你更看重你们之间的关系而不是你的自我”

5. Don't blame them. 

   不要责怪对方。

This is the most challenging hurdle to overcome in my own apologies, as I am usually all too eager to point out how someone provoked me into acting a certain way. According to relationship therapist Rhonda Milrad, "saying, 'I wouldn't have if you didn't do this first' sends a message that you are not taking responsibility for your actions." In other words, blaming them pretty much invalidates your apology. 

这是我自己道歉时最具挑战性的障碍，因为我通常都急于指出某人是如何促使我采取某种行动的。根据关系治疗师朗达·米拉德的说法，“如果你不先这么做，我就不会这么做”传达了一个信息，那就是你对自己的行为不负责任。”换句话说，责备他们几乎会让你的道歉失效。

6. Be ready to apologize multiple times. 

   要做好多次道歉的准备。

Sometimes one sorry just isn't enough. To show genuine contrition, relationship therapist Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin recommends repeatedly asking for forgiveness and offering reassurance to loved ones, especially for serious errors. "To apologize and expect life to return to normal because you said sorry is unrealistic," he says. "This contrition will help reduce the anger that the other may be feeling and help rebuild the trust."

有时候一次道歉是不够的。为了表示真正的悔恨，关系治疗师拉比·什洛莫·斯莱特金建议反复请求原谅，并向所爱的人提供安慰，特别是对严重错误。他说：“因为你说对不起而进行了道歉并期望生活就能恢复正常是不现实的。这种悔悟将有助于减少对方可能感到的愤怒，并有助于重建信任。”

7. Tell them how you will change. 

    告诉对方你会怎样改变。

Most of us can agree that an apology is meaningless if nothing changes afterward. This is why it is so important to follow up with "how you plan to change your behavior to avoid this problem in the future," says Dr. Jesse Matthews. Most important, you must follow through with the change. It is the only way that the other person will know that you are truly sorry. 

我们大多数人都认为，如果事后没有任何改变，道歉就毫无意义。杰西·马修斯博士说，这就是为什么跟进“你计划如何改变自己的行为以避免将来出现这种问题”如此重要的原因。最重要的是，你必须坚持改变。只有这样，对方才会知道你真的很抱歉。

But what if they don't forgive you? 

但如果对方没有原谅你怎么办？

This is the hardest part. Sometimes, no matter what you do or say, it won't be enough. In her experience, Minei has found that "a well-executed proper apology is 12 times more likely to generate forgiveness from the recipient." Still, if your apology is not accepted, she advises that you assess the reason why. If the recipient says he needs more time, you might respond with, "I understand, and I am willing to give you more time. I'd like to call you next week — does that sound all right?" 

这是最难的部分。有时候，不管你做什么或说什么，都是不够的。米耐根据她的经验发现“一个执行得当的道歉会让接受者的原谅率提高12倍。”不过，如果你的道歉不被接受，她建议你评估原因。如果接受者说他需要更多的时间，你可以回答，“我理解，我愿意给你更多的时间。我想下周给你打电话，你觉得怎么样？”

Sometimes, people may hesitate in granting forgiveness because the offered restoration isn't enough, Minei says. In that case, you might respond with, "I'd like to know what I can do to make this right. Can we brainstorm together?" This shows that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make amends.

米耐说，有时候，人们可能会犹豫是否给予宽恕，因为提供的修复的理由还不够。在这种情况下，你可能会回答说，“我想知道我能做些什么来纠正这一点。我们能一起集思广益吗？”这表明你愿意不惜一切代价来弥补。

Finally, there may be times when people flat-out refuse your apology, no matter how well-intentioned or heartfelt. Minei suggests that you can only respond by stating your desire to maintain your relationship. You could say, "I understand that you want nothing to do with me, and I regret that my mistake has led us to this place. I do not want to end our friendship and can only say that if you change your mind, I would be willing to continue our relationship." But afterward, you should leave them alone. 

最后，有时人们会断然拒绝你的道歉，不管你的道歉是出于善意还是出于真心。米耐建议，你只能通过表达维持关系的愿望来做出回应。你可以说，“我明白你不想和我有任何关系，我很遗憾我的错误把我们带到了这个地方。我不想结束我们的友谊，只能说，如果你改变主意，我愿意继续我们的关系”，但之后，你应该先离开。

Apologies will never be easy, but hopefully these tips will make them better.

道歉从来都不是件容易的事，但希望这些建议能让他们变得更容易一些。

genuine  真诚的

ego 自我

contrition 悔悟