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学生作文范例1:A slip of the tongue(口误)

 新概念英语教学 2020-11-17



在《新概念英语》第二册的教学中,到了第四单元,我们会建议学生模仿课文原文,进行仿写训练。下面这篇作文就是我们的学员Frank同学根据第89课的课文“A slip of the tongue”进行仿写的,供大家参考。

一、课文原文

Lesson 89 A slip of the tongue

People will do anything to see a free show  even if it is a bad one. When the news got round that a comedy show would be presented at our local cinema by the P. and U. Bird Seed Company, we all rushed to see it. We had to queue for hours to get in and there must have been several hundred people present just before the show began. Unfortunately, the show was one of the dullest we have ever seen. Those who failed to get in need not have felt disappointed as many of the artistes who should have appeared did not come. The only funny things we heard that evening came from the advertiser at the beginning of the programme. He was obviously very nervous and for some minutes stood awkwardly before the microphone. As soon as he opened his mouth, everyone burst out laughing. We all know what the poor man should have said, but what he actually said was: 'This is the Poo and Ee Seed Bird Company. Good ladies, evening and gentlemen!'

——选自《新概念英语》第二册,外语教学与研究出版社,1997年10月第1版

二、学生仿写作文


(一)图片版

(二)文字稿

‘Eric's self-introduction was so funny that I couldn't help laughing,’ my class monitor said to me after school.

Eric is one of my classmates who is poor at speaking in public. Very often he will leave a bad impression upon others when talking. 

On the first day we went to school, my class teacher asked us to introduce ourselves. Eric was very nervous, for he could find nothing to say. When he stood on the platform unwillingly and embarrassedly, (the whole) class burst into laughter. Then, what he said really amused us (more), 'Hello, dear student(s). I'm Baiyulan Primary School from Eric.'

(三)作文简评

作为一个小学五年级的学生,该学员的仿写在故事的趣味性设计和语言的写作运用上总体还是不错的。

作文一开头采用了“先声夺人”的手法,通过class monitor之口,引出了Eric其人。这句话采用so...that...的结果状语从句结构,凸显了Eric的funny,让读者读后就很想知道到底他的self-introduction有何funny之处,从而促使读者想要继续读下去。

到了第二段,作者对Eric其人做了一个简单介绍,并且强调了他害怕在公众场合发言的特点,为后续故事的funny之处打下了伏笔。其中,第一句话采用了who引导的定语从句,来说明他的这个特点。而第二句话用very often开头,也打破了句子的常规顺序,起到了句式富于变化的效果,同时也强调了后面的成分。

接着在第三段里,作者通过一个具体实例来说明Eric害怕在公众场合发言的特点,并很好地表达了他因为紧张而不知所云,由此因为口误而产生的funny效果。在语言运用上,也有可圈可点之处,比如:第二句中通过for引导的并列句,对其紧张的理由进行了补充说明;第三句中unwillingly和embarrassedly两个副词的形象运用,burst into laughter的短语运用;以及第四句中what he said主语从句的运用,等等。

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