读后续写批改与讲评2

gfergfer 2022-08-22 发布于辽宁

展开全文

作文题目

阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。

About a half-mile behind our Minnesota farm lay a pond. In summer,my brother Harry and I would run through a stand of oak trees to skipstones there. The pond wore a collar of black mud. It was not a place forswimming.

In late summer, the pond would be covered by a green and bubbly scum（起泡的浮渣）. Sometimes a strong, unpleasant smell rose fromit. We stayed away.

When winter came, the pond was once again an inviting place. One day whenice covered it, Harry said to me, “Try walking across.”

The ice looked solid. No water showed through it, but I hesitated. “Goahead.” Harry urged. “Try it. You’re lighter than I am. If the ice holds, wecan run and slide carefully on it. It’ll be fun.” I wanted to please Harry, and I thought about the fun of a long slide on the ice. I began to slideacross the pond.

In the middle of the pond, the ice gave way with a sudden crack（裂缝）! I stretched out（伸展）my arms. The next thing I knew I was hanging on tothe edge of a hole in the ice by arms outstretched on the ice. From myshoulders down I hung in icy water. I thought of the bottom of the pond.I knew it would be black and awful down there, full of mud and maybe rottingcreatures.

I tried to climb out of the hole, but when I got a knee on the ice,it broke like window glass. Again and again I tried to get out. Again and again the ice broke into pieces. The hole widened. I was wearing a coat of heavy material. As it became completely wet, it dragged me down. I wastired of the struggle and rested with my arms stretched out on the ice.

I looked at Harry on shore. He seemed rooted to the spot. “I can’t getout!” I screamed when I caught some breath.

注意：

1. 所续写短文的词数应为150左右；

2. 至少使用5个短文中标有下划线的关键词语；

3. 续写部分分为两段，每段的开头语已为你写好；

4. 续写完成后，请用下划线标出你所使用的关键词语。

Paragraph1:

Harry turned and ran from the pond.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Paragraph2:

The moment I crashed through the kitchen door, sobbing, mum rushedover. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Step One：文本分析

Para 1: 4个简单句（其中一个为倒装）；

Para 2: 3个简单句

Para 3: 2个复合句（含一个祈使句）

Para4: 5个简单句（含两个祈使句）， 2个复合句、2个并列句

Para 5: 4个简单句，2个复合句

Para6: 5个简单句，1个并列复合句，1个复合句

Para 7: 3个简单句，1个复合句

（手工统计35个句子，其中复合句8个，并列句2个，并列复合句1个，其余为简单句含祈使句，以简短句子为主，少量对话。）文本非常容易（93.98），适合本土三年级。

Step Two: 指导学生如何按评价指标互评作文

课前：翻阅学生作文，按照下列评价指标罗列问题清单

课中：讲评时根据教师提供的学生作文片段，指导学生分析存在问题

评价指标（马广惠 2021）

1.句类分布的一致性

续写文中各种句子类型的分布与前文是否大体一致？*句子类型：简单句、复合句、复杂句，有（没有）非谓语动词结构句

2.句长分布与功能的一致性

续写文中长短句的比例、分布、修辞功能与前文是否大体一致？

3.词汇分布的一致性

续写文使用的词汇是否明显低于或超出了前文的词汇范围？续写文是否充分利用了前文的词汇和短语？

“Don’t come here. The ice can broke like window glass.”

Five minutes later, I wanted to give up as the hole widened. my arms

almost couldn’t stretch out on the ice. (At that monment, Dad walked through the pond and found me.) 引用了原文的词句，但有表达错误

4.叙事角度的一致性

续写文叙事的角度是否与前文一致？叙事角度有没有不断变化？

Seeing him graduatelly disappeared in my sight, I felt desperate andsad. A strong sense of loss hurt me heavily….At the moment I hold a rope inwater. …I collected my thoughts, finding it was Harry dragged me. …Harry stopped me. “The ice where I am have the sounds of “ka ka”, I can’t moveanymore. Go back! Call help!” He said egarly. I nodded and ran to home in ahurry.

….”Harry…I…Harry is in danger!”… 叙事角度跑偏，故事情节离题

5.主题一致性

续写文部分与前文部分是否可以在整体上很好地表现某个主题？

Harry turned and ran from the pond. I felt very sad, when Harry choseto run away instead of saving me. As time went by, I became more and more exhausted and regreted sliding across the pond, tears of regret welled up in myears. Gradually, my coat became so heavy that I could not stretch ice.Suddenly, when I would sink, it dawned on me that why not take off coat. So Itook off coat quickly. I became lighter after taking off coat. Thanks to that,the ice could hold my body, and eventually, I succeeded in getting out from ice hole. After that, I started to ran to home.

The moment I crashed through the kitchen door, sobbing, mum rush over. “Wha thappened” mum found my body wet and said anxiously. I told mum my experience,mum said to me, “I have known why Harry came back alone and go out hurriedlywith a rope” Before long, Harry came back sadly, only to find I was stillalive. He hugged me tightly, saying “Sorry”. At last, mum scold us for ourdangerous behavior and warned us not to play near the pond. （描写哥哥逃离，没有宣传正能量，自救与原文不契合）

6.语言规范契合性

续写文中是否存在明显的语法错误？续写文中用词、句不当之处？

1)While Harry seemed to hadn’t heard me disappearing out of my sight, leaving mefrustrated and a flood of fear welled up in me. I felt almost turned unconscious and started to sinking to the bottom ofthe pond.

2)I will never let you in danger, I promise.

3)It turned out that my brother ran to looked for things which can pull me,

4)At last, mum scold us for our dangerous behavior and warned us not to play nearthe pond.

5)You should remember this thing in your mind.

6)Thus, I struggled to keep me calm and make me catch some breath at intervals.

7)Hardly did I see a strong branch beneath my head when I opened my eyes. Iscratched it promptly and holded it tightly.

（1）复合句使用不当，句子太长，没有主句，2）用词不当 3）不定式用错……

7. 书写续写文的书写是否清晰、规整？（FirstImpression Effect）

八省联考阅卷老师实操：

1. 抓4个要点：吃了lunch—givea paper bag—open the paper bag—result/moral

2. 找：去哪里吃饭？和谁交流？有没有给纸袋？袋子里有什么？影响？

3. 一个要点：表达差1-3分，表达一般4-6分，表达好7-10分；