策划、撰文 / 淼淼、亓井、纯纯 编辑 / KY主创们
“我逃了,其实是想回头看看你还在不在。看到你真的走了之后,我会很难过,可是也没有勇气向你诉说。” 在亲密关系中,恐惧亲密也是回避型的人缺乏安全感的典型表现之一。它包含了自我暴露恐惧和依赖恐惧。或许你也有相似的感受,也想弄清楚自己是否有恐惧亲密?那你可以试试KY测评出品的【恐惧亲密测试】。我们会测出你的恐惧亲密类型,也会帮你找到恐惧背后的原因,告诉你该如何应对恐惧亲密。 👇长按下图,查看你的恐惧亲密类型👇
比如,你可以稳定、及时地对ta们做出情感上的回应,答应ta们的小事尽量去做到,对ta们的需求保持敏锐。 你还可以和ta一起准备一个「关系安全手册」,试着把恋爱里那些充满了喜欢和爱的互动瞬间记录下。当冲突发生时,回避型的人回看这本内容,能有助于ta唤醒对关系的积极感知,提醒ta,你们依然相爱着。 最为重要的是,当ta们做出回避等等有可能毁灭关系的行为时,也始终如一地对待ta们,而不是以冷制冷。
那么,回避型的我们 能做些什么自救呢?
试着回忆过去,你会发现也许不是所有人都不值得信任。总有那么几个人,曾在你需要的时候站出来给予过你帮助,可能是得知你生病后赶过来照顾你的朋友、家人,一个温暖过你的陌生人…… 记录下这些闪着光的成功信任时刻,重新学着信赖他人。
相信自己的修复力,相信哪怕真的被他人辜负,自己也有能力康复。自己已经不再是那个无力自保的婴儿——已经长大的自己,哪怕遇到了不足够关爱自己的人,也能够幸存下来。
回避型往往有着严重的羞耻感。一个不被自己的父母所爱的孩子,会天然觉得是自己有问题,自己的存在没有价值、不会被爱。因此羞耻感是回避型的一种人生底色。但你要知道,你值得被爱。错的是没有好好爱你的父母,而不是你。 渴望被爱,渴望稳定可靠的亲密关系不但是正常的,也是作为人的一种美德,我们在与他人的连接中成为更完满的自己。 References: Ainsworth, M. D. (1964). Patterns of attachment behavior shown by the infant in interaction with his mother. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly of Behavior and Development, 10(1), 51-58. Carvallo, M., & Gabriel, S. (2006). No Man Is an Island: The Need to Belong and Dismissing Avoidant Attachment Style. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 32(5), 697–709. Dekel, S., & Farber, B. A. (2012).Models of intimacy of securely and avoidantly attached young adults: Anarrative approach. The Journal of nervous and mentaldisease, 200(2), 156-162. Djossa, E. (2014). Understanding the Needs of the Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment Style. The Love Compass. Gillath, O., Mikulincer, M., Fitzsimons, G. M., Shaver, P. R., Schachner, D. A., & Bargh, J. A. (2006). Automatic activation of attachment-related goals. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 32(10), 1375-1388. Ornstein, R. E. (1997). The right mind: Making sense of the hemispheres. Harcourt. Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2007). Adult attachment strategies and the regulation of emotion. Handbook of emotion regulation, 446, 465. Schore, A. N. (2005). Attachment, affect regulation, and the developing right brain: Linking developmental neuroscience to pediatrics. Pediatrics in review, 26(6), 204-217. Wallin, D. J. (2007). Attachment in psychotherapy. Guilford press. Branand, B., Mashek, D., & Aron, A. (2019). Pair-bonding as inclusion of other in the self: A literature review.Frontiers in Psychology, 2399. Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226–244. Bippus , A. M. , & Rollin , E. ( 2003 ). Attachment style differences in relational maintenance and conflict behavior: Friends’ perceptions .Communication Reports, 16 , 113 – 123 . Chavis, J. M., & Kisley, M. A. (2012). Adult attachment and motivated attention to social images: Attachment-based differences in event-related brain potentials to emotional images.Journal of research in personality, 46(1), 55-62. Farrell, A. K., Simpson, J. A., Overall, N. C., & Shallcross, S. L. (2016). Buffering the responses of avoidantly attached romantic partners in strain test situations.Journal of Family Psychology, 30(5), 580. Gillath, O., Bunge, S. A., Shaver, P. R., Wendelken, C., & Mikulincer, M. (2005). Attachment-style differences in the ability to suppress negative thoughts: Exploring the neural correlates.Neuroimage, 28(4), 835-847. Goodboy, A. K., & Bolkan, S. (2011). Attachment and the use of negative relational maintenance behaviors in romantic relationships.Communication Research Reports, 28(4), 327-336. Koleva, S., Selterman, D., Iyer, R., Ditto, P., & Graham, J. (2014). The moral compass of insecurity: Anxious and avoidant attachment predict moral judgment.Social Psychological and Personality Science, 5(2), 185-194. Overall, N. C., & Sibley, C. G. (2008). Attachment and attraction toward romantic partners versus relevant alternatives within daily interactions.Personality and Individual Differences, 44(5), 1126-1137. Richman, S. B., DeWall, C. N., & Wolff, M. N. (2015). Avoiding affection, avoiding altruism: Why is avoidant attachment related to less helping?.Personality and Individual Differences, 76, 193-197. Robinson, J. S., Joel, S., & Plaks, J. E. (2015). Empathy for the group versus indifference toward the victim: Effects of anxious and avoidant attachment on moral judgment.Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 56, 139-152. Stanton, S. C., & Campbell, L. (2014). Psychological and physiological predictors of health in romantic relationships: An attachment perspective.Journal of personality, 82(6), 528-538. Santascoy, N., Burke, S. E., & Dovidio, J. F. (2018). Avoidant attachment style predicts less positive evaluations of warm (but not cold) social groups.Group Processes & Intergroup Relations, 21(1), 19-36. Sheng, R., Hu, J., Liu, X., & Xu, W. (2022). Longitudinal relationships between insecure attachment and romantic relationship quality and stability in emerging adults: the mediating role of perceived conflict in daily life.Current Psychology, 1-11. Shi, L. (2003). The association between adult attachment styles and conflict resolution in romantic relationships.American Journal of Family Therapy, 31(3), 143-157. |
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