Americanslovetotoutthevalueofwaitinguntilmarriagetohavesex.Weteachabstinence-onlyeducationinschoolsacrossthecountry,andevencomprehensivesex-edprogramsoftenpointoutthat"abstinenceisbest."PopstarsfromBritneySpearstoJessicaSimpson,totheJonasBrothers,toMileyCyrus,toJustinBieberroutinelyassertthatthey''rewaiting''tilmarriage–puttingthemintotheGoodRoleModelcategory(atleast,untilsomeoneleaksasextape).There''sabooming"purityindustry",completewithjewelry,elaborateevents,books,t-shirtsandDVDs.
Ourstateandfederaltaxdollarshavelongbeenspentpromoting"chastity".Whileconservativecommentatorsarehappytoassertthatwaitinguntilmarriageisthebestchoiceforeveryoneandpeoplewhodon''twaitaren''tdoingmarriage"therightway",sex-positiveliberalshesitatetosaythathavingsexbeforemarriageisanequallyvalid–ifnotbetter–choicefornearlyeveryone.
Sohereitgoes:havingsexbeforemarriageisthebestchoicefornearlyeveryone.HowdoIknow?Well,firstofall,nearlyeveryonehassexbeforemarriage–95%ofAmericansdon''twaituntiltheirweddingnight.Andthat''salongstandingAmericanvalue.Evenamongfolksinmygrandparents''generation,nineoutoftenofthemhadsexbeforetheywed.
Ofcourse,justbecauselotsofpeopledoathingdoesn''tmeanit''sagoodthing.Butsexis.Intermsofhappiness,sexisbetterthanmoney,andhavingsexonceaweekinsteadofonceamonthisthe"happinessequivalent"ofanextra$50,000ayear.Peoplewithactivesexliveslivelonger.Sexreleasesstress,boostsimmunities,helpsyousleepandisheart-healthy.
Sexisgoodwhetheryou''remarriedornot,andcertainlyfolkswhowaituntilmarriagecanhavealotofsexoncetheytietheknot.Butwaitinguntilmarriageoftenmeansbothearlymarriageandconservativeviewsonmarriageandgender–andpeoplewhomarryearlyand/orholdtraditionalviewsonmarriageandgendertendtohavehigherdivorceratesandunhappiermarriages.Weknowthat,ontheotherhand,therearelotsofbenefitstomarryinglaterandtogender-egalitarianmarriages.Coupleswhobothworkoutsidethehomeandalsosharehouseworkdutieshavemoresex.Financiallyindependent,college-educatedwomenwhomarrylaterinlifehaveextremelylowdivorcerates.
Itturnsoutthatfeministvalues–not"traditional"ones–leadtothemoststablemarriages.Andfeministviewspluslatermarriagetypicallyequalspremaritalsex.Mostadulthumanbeingsnaturallydesiresex.Anddespitetherightwingemphasisonconceptslike"purity",havingsexdoesnotactuallymakeyouadirtyor"impure"person.Onthecontrary,sexislikemostotherpleasurablethingsinlife–youcanhavesexinwaysthatarefulfilling,fun,goodandgenerous,oryoucanhavesexinwaysthatareharmful,badanddangerous.Marriageisnot,andhasneverbeen,awaytoprotectagainsttheharmful,badanddangerouspotentialofsex(justreadtheBibleifyouwantafewexamples).Insteadoffoolingourselvesintothinkingthatwaitinguntilmarriagemakessex"good",weshouldfocusonhowethical,responsiblesexualpractices–takingprecautionstoprotectthephysicalandmentalhealthofyourselfandyourpartner;havingsexthatisfullyconsensualandfocusedonmutualpleasure–arepartofbeinganethical,responsiblehumanbeing.Sexualmoralityisn''tabouthowlongyouwait.It''sabouthowyoutreatyourselfandthepeopleyou''rewith.
Sex,ofcourse,isn''tallponiesandrainbows.TheUnitedStateshasoneofthehighestunintendedpregnancyratesintheworld.Wehaveoneofthehighestabortionrates.Wehaveoneofthehighestratesofsexuallytransmittedinfections.Butourproblemwithsexisn''tthatwe''rehavingitbeforemarriage;it''sthatwe''vecastitasshamefulanddirty.Andwhenourcollectiveculturalconsciousnesssaysthatsexisshamefulanddirty,wedon''thavetheincentive–orthetools–toplanforsex,toseeitasapositiveresponsibilityandtomakehealthysexualchoices.
We''reobsessedwithsexontelevision,inmusicandinadvertisements,butwesomehowlacktheabilitytotalkaboutsexasapositive,moral,pleasure-affirmingchoicethat,likeanyotheradultdecision,comeswithasetofresponsibilities.Andwhengovernmentmoneyisgoingtowardtellingpeopletojustwaituntilmarriage,weareliterallyfundinganideathathasneverworkedinallofhumanhistory,insteadofsupportingtried-and-truepoliciesthatcouldmitigatetheharmofasex-obsessed,butpleasure-starved,culture.
Ifwaitinguntilmarriageweresimplyanindividualchoicewithnopoliticalconsequencesorbackdrop–ifitwereasarbitraryamarkeraswaitinguntilthethirddate,waitinguntilyouknewyourpartner''smiddlenameorwaitinguntilsheworereallyawesomehighheels–itwouldn''tbeaproblem.Andpersonally,Idon''treallycarewhenyou,asanindividual,choosetohavesex.Aslongasyoufeelreadyandit''sconsensual,Isayyoudoyou.But"waitinguntilmarriage"asaculturalphenomenon–albeitonethatisn''tactuallyhappeningfornearlyeveryoneinthewesternworld–hassomenastyviewsaboutwomenandsexlurkingbehindit.Using"purity"asshorthandfor"doesn''thavesex"bydefinitionmeansthatpeople,andmostlywomen,whohavesexbeforemarriageareimpure,dirtyortainted.AsJessicaValentisaysinherbookThePurityMyth:
"Whileboysaretaughtthatthethingsthatmakethemmen–goodmen–areuniversallyacceptedethicalideals,womenareledtobelievethatourmoralcompassliessomewherebetweenourlegs."
It''sallthemoretroublingwhenthosebeliefsarefederallyfunded.Fromamorepracticalstandpoint,noteveryoneisgoingtogetmarried,orevenlegallycangetmarried.Theinstructiontowaitforevertoexperienceafundamentalhumanpleasureispointlessandcruel.Andwhiletheoldadagetellswomenthatmenwon''tbuythecowiftheycangetthemilkforfree,ifI''mbuyingacow,youcanbetI''mgoingtomakesurethemilkistomyliking.Butourculturalviewofpremaritalsexasmorallytaintedmakesitharderforcouplestoengageinrealtalksabouttheirsexualneedsanddesiresbeforemarrying,thesamewaytheywouldtalkabouttheirreligiousvalues,howmanykidstheywantorwhethertheweddingcakewillbechocolateorvanilla.Sexuallyfrustratedmarriagesarebothmiserableandcommon–theinboxesofadvicecolumnistsfromDanSavagetoDearPrudiearefilledwithlettersfromcoupleswithmismatchedsexdrivesandbadsexlives.We''dbealotbetter-offifwerecognizedthatsexisincrediblyimportanttoalotofpeople,and,formostcouples,sexualcompatibilityisnecessaryforagreatmarriage.Youreallycan''ttellifyou''resexuallycompatibleunlessyouhavesex.Theinsistencethatpremaritalsexisdirtyorperversemakesitawholelothardertohavenecessaryconversations.Andaworldviewthatpositionssexasshamefulandbadalsoisn''tgoingtoevaporateonyourweddingnight.
Puritypeddlersconstructafalseuniversewheretherearepurevirginswhowaituntilmarriage,andthentherearesluttywhoreswhoaregoinghomewithdifferentmeneverynightoftheweek.Thetruthisthatmostadultswillhaveagreatmanyimportantrelationshipsintheirlives–someofthoserelationshipswillberomantic,andsomeofthosewillbesexual.That''sagoodthing:ourrelationshipswithotherpeople,sexualornot,arehowwegrow,evolveandlearnaboutourselves.They''rehowwefigureoutwhatloveis,whatwelikephysicallyandemotionally,andhowtonegotiateourownneedswithsomeoneelse''s.Despitetheclaimsofthewait-till-marriagecamp,waitingtohavesexwon''tprotectyoufromheartache,frustrationorlovelost.Butavarietyoffulfillingrelationships,sexualandnot,willmakeyouamorewell-rounded,compassionateandself-assuredperson.
Mypointisn''tthateveryoneshouldhavesexbeforemarriage–peopleshoulddetermineforthemselveswhentheyarereadytohavesex.Forthevastmajorityofpeople,that''sgoingtobebeforethey''remarried.Makingthatchoiceisn''tamoralfailing.Onthecontrary,it''softenagreat,healthy,overwhelminglypositivechoice.Wheneveryouchoosetohavesex,theculturalmessagethatwaitinguntilmarriageisthebestchoiceissimplywrong.Andit''swrongforalmosteveryone.
Themenaregreedyforwhat??Certainlyforanwoman.Womanlurethemanwiththeirshortdresses,highboob,passionatebuttockunavoidableforman.Butinthiscasewhoenjoymost??Certainlythewomanenjoyextreamandnotallthetimeamancanfulfillanwomanorgasmdesire.BeingamanIconfessfrankly.
Ithinkyouareveryoldfashioned,testingisveryimportant.Goodwomenwouldbealadyinthestreet,inthekitchenshewouldbeanexcellentcookand…inbedaperfectwhore.Nopointtomarryawomanwasaladyinbedandacookinthestreetandawhoreinthekitchen.Jokesaside,premaritalsexisimportanttofindoutthesexualcompatibility,somemanarelikerabbitsandsomewomenhaveheadacheseveryday.????
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