Whyarecouplessomeantosinglepeople?
InaworldthatcelebratesromanceandfindingTheOne,peoplecanberatherrudetosinglepeople,writesJamesFriel.
No-oneissupposedtobesingle.
Inthecourseofmylife,Ihavelovedandlostandsometimeswon,andalwaysstrangershavebeenkind.ButIhave,itappears,beensetonalifeofsingleblessedness.AndIhaven''tminded.Orrather,Irealise,Ihaven''tmindedenough.ButnowIkindofdo.Takedinnerparties.Therecomesamoment,andthatquestion:"Whydon''tyouhaveapartner?"
Itisusuallyaskedbyoneofacouple,withalwaysaswiveloftheeyetohisorherotherhalf,soreallytwopeopleareaskingthisquestion.AndIstruggletoanswer:"Ihaveneverfoundtherightperson...Iamasadandsorrymanchild...Iamincapableoflove...Iamadeviant,andprefergiraffes."
Anyanswerwillfailtosatisfy.Thequestionerexpectsnohappyanswer.Iamonlycoveringupmybone-deep,life-corrodingloneliness.Thequestionersknowthis,andtheinsighttheybelieveitaffordscomfortsthem.Theyaresafe.
Theylookdownfromthehighcastleofcoupledom,protectedfromsuchafate.ButifIweretoask:"Whyhaveyousettledforhim?Whyareyoustuckwithher?Wereyousoafraidofbeingalone?"suchquestionswouldbethoughtrude,intrusive.Lastweekafriendofminewentonadate.Afoolishthingtodo.Themanshemethadbeenmarriedthreetimesandhadachildbyeachwife.AnexampleofemotionalcontinenceI''msureyou''llagree.Andheaskedmyfriend,singleandchildless,whyshehadfailedatlife.
Itwasashortishdate.Failedatlife?
Singlepeoplecanalsofeelthiswayaboutothersinglepeople,andaboutthemselves.Yousee,nooneissupposedtobesingle.Ifweare,wemustaccountforourdeficiencies.
Arecentbookclaimsonitscoverthatsinglepeoplemightbethemostreviledsexualminoritytoday.Butit''snotjusttoday.Taketheword"spinster".Itiswitheringandunkind.Theword,ofcourse,isinnocent,butitsconnotationsareunhappy,dismissiveanddisrespectful.
Afewyearsback,inanageofBridgetJones-typeheroines,thenovelistCarolClewlowwonderedaboutafemalereaderofherowngeneration,awomanwhohadlongdecidednottotwinherdestinywithanother''s.Shewroteanovelaboutthissinglestate.Aboutspinsters.ShecalleditSpinsta.ShedeliveredSpinstatoheragent,whowasdelighted,aswereherwww.edu800.cnpublishers.Acampaignwasinitiated.Variouscolumnistsandcelebritiesweretobeaskedtoconsiderandcelebratethisword,butthenanotherwordcamebackfromthebooksellers.Thatwordwas"no".Theywouldnotstockandnoonewouldpickupabookwithsuchanuglywordasitstitle.ThenovelwasretitledNotMarried,NotBothered.
WhenIspeakofthissubjectwithwomen,theconversation,theanecdotes,areplentiful,wryandamusing.Withothermen,gayorstraight,thetalkismorewistful,hesitant,inconclusive,andevenalittlepained.Legalnow,thegaymanmustalsoaccountfornothavingapartner.Weevenagitateformarriage.Toberecognisedascouplesnotjustbythelaw-whichisright-butbyGod,whichisredundant.Butcouplesrelyonsuchirondefinitions,needthem.
Someonemighttakethemtobesingle,andnooneissupposedtobesingle.AndyetIam.CarolClewlowdescribedmeasamalespinster.IadmitIwasalittlebothereduntilsheadded"likeGeorgeClooney".Cool,Ithought.Icouldgowiththat.ButGoogle"malespinster"andthereismuchbotherattheterm.TopofthesearchlistisanunreasonablypopularpiecefromLondon''sEveningStandard.
Itreads:"Amalespinsterisanunmarriedmanovertheageof35,amonikerthatimpliesatbestthesemenhave''issues''andatworstaresociopaths.Onefearsforthesemen,justassocietyhastraditionallyfearedforthesinglewomen.Theycannotseehowlonelytheywillbe."
Howkindthisfearsounds.No-oneissupposedtobesingle.Tobesinglemustmeantobelonelybutfarlonelierarethosewhofearbeingalone.Namely,the"I"whoisincompletewithouta"you".The"me"whoiswithoutsubstanceorpurposeunlessrhymedwitha"we".Thosetyrannisedbytheneed,theobligation,togoaboutthisworldinpairs.Inordertoargueforthesingleperson,itseemsonemustcriticisethecouple;theculturewww.zycaihui.comthatcoercesusintocoupledom,thereligions,thefamilialpressures,thepopsongs,themovies,thegameshows,thegossip,theunavoidable,inescapablepressuretoconjoin,tolove.Freudhasitthatwebecomeillifwedonotlove,andsongstelluswemustsuccumbtoalovethat-bondingus-willdevastateustoo.Iamnothing,nothing,nothing,ifIdon''thaveyou.Howkindissuchalove?Isn''titalittlepunitive?
LauraKipnis,inAgainstLove,hasachaptercalledDomesticGulag,andtheprisonrulesacouplemustfollow:
Youcan''tleavethehousewithoutsayingwhereyouaregoing
Youcan''tnotsaywhattimeyouwillreturn
Youcan''tleavethebathroomdooropen-it''soffensive
Youcan''tleavethebathroomdoorclosed
Youcan''thavesecrets
Nineandhalfpageslater,Kipnisconcludes:"Thespecificsdon''tmatter.Whatmattersistheoperativeword,can''t.Thusisloveobtained."AndMichaelCobbremindsusinabookcalledSinglethatPlatodefinedloveasournameforthepursuitofthewhole,ourdesiretobemadecomplete.ButPlatohasAristophanesremindusthatthispursuit-thisneedtobecompleted,thisquestforcoupledom-isapunishment.
Perhapssinglepeoplesecretlywishtoreclaimanoriginalstateofbeing,somehowsensethatwedonotneedtobecompletedbyanother,somehowsensethatweareabletocompleteourselves.Thesinglepersonmightjustbetooself-possessed.Perhapswearetoohonesttobecoupled.Perhapswecannottellanotherperson:"Iloveonlyyou.AndIwillloveyouforever."
It''squitedifficulttotellsomeonethemoretruthful:"Iloveyou,youknow,fornow."
Sorry.Thesinglepersonmightjustbetooself-possessed.
Personally,Idon''twishtomakesatiricjudgementsagainstthecouplebecausesuchjudgements-patronising,dismissiveandevenfearful-arewhatIresentwhenaskedtoexplainwhyIpersistinbeingsingle.
Iwanttodescribemyselfmorepositivelyandnotagainstsomegrainthatabradesbothmeandanyoneelsewhobelievesandlivesdifferently.
Myfavouritecharacterinliteratureisthedifficult,unclubbableLucySnowefromCharlotteBronte''sVillette.Attheconclusionofherslipperyandsingulartale,shemanagesinherlonevoicetodefineherselfaswife,widowandspinsterallatonceandsononeoftheseatallbut-simply,complicatedly-herownmarvellous,darklybraveandtricksyself.
AndIwouldrescue,too,thatmartyr,themalignedMissHavisham.BecauseIdon''tbelievethesinglepersonhasascepticalorreductivenotionoflovebutsuspect,rather,thattheymightbecompelledbyanevenhigher,almostunrealisable,conceptionofit.
Intheworldthroughwhichwemove,increasingly,wedonotexpectourrelationshipstoendure.Increasingly,ourrelativeaffluenceandadvancesinnewtechnologyallowustolivecomfortablyalone.Increasingly,thisiswhatweseemtobedoing:wearechoosingtolivealone.Weneedstoriesnotabouthowtobecomecouples.Theyarelegion.Weneedstoriesabouthowtobesingle,andhowtobekeptamazedandawakebyajoyofourownmanufacture.
AlthoughIwasbornsingle,Ineverconsideredthatthiswouldcontinuetobemyfate.
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