If you look under the Self-Help heading on Amazon, you'll find roughly 5, 000 books listed under the subhead Self-Esteem. The vast majority of these books aim to not only tell you why your self-esteem might be low, but to show you how to get your hands on some more of it. It's a thriving business because self-esteem is, at least in Western cultures, considered the bedrock of individual success. You can't possibly get ahead in life, the logic goes, unless you believe you are perfectly awesome.
And of course you must be perfectly awesome in order to keep believing that you are — so you live in quiet terror of making mistakes, and feel devastated when you do. Your only defense is to refocus your attention on all the things you do well, mentally stroking your own ego until it has forgotten this horrible episode of unawesomeness and moved on to something more satisfying.
When you think about it, this doesn't exactly sound like a recipe for success, does it? Indeed, recent reviews of the research on high self-esteem have come to the troubling conclusion that it's not all it's cracked up to be. High self-esteem does not predict better performance or greater success. And though people with high self-esteem do think they're more successful, objectively, they are not. High self-esteem does not make you a more effective leader, a more appealing lover, more likely to lead a healthy lifestyle, or more attractive and compelling in an interview. But if Stuart Smalley is wrong, and high self-esteem (along with daily affirmations of your own terrificness) is not the answer to all your problems, then what is?
A growing body of research, including new studies by Berkeley's Juliana Breines and Serena Chen, suggest that self-compassion, rather than self-esteem, may be the key to unlocking your true potential for greatness.
Now, I know that some of you are already skeptical about a term like "self-compassion." But this is a scientific, data-driven argument — not feel-good pop psychology. So hang in there and keep an open mind.
Self-compassion is a willingness to look at your own mistakes and shortcomings with kindness and understanding — it's embracing the fact that to err is indeed human. When you are self-compassionate in the face of difficulty, you neither judge yourself harshly, nor feel the need to defensively focus on all your awesome qualities to protect your ego. It's not surprising that self-compassion leads, as many studies show, to higher levels of personal well-being, optimism and happiness, and to less anxiety and depression.
But what about performance? Self-compassion may feel good, but aren't the people who are harder on themselves, who are driven to always be the best, the ones who are ultimately more likely to succeed?
To answer that, it's important to understand what self-compassion is not. While the spirit of self-compassion is to some degree captured in expressions like give yourself a break and cut yourself some slack, it is decidedly not the same thing as taking yourself off the hook or lowering the bar. You can be self-compassionate while still accepting responsibility for your performance. And you can be self-compassionate while striving for the most challenging goals — the difference lies not in where you want to end up, but in how you think about the ups and downs of your journey. As a matter of fact, if you are self-compassionate, new research suggests you are more likely to actually arrive at your destination.
In their studies, Brienes and Chen asked participants to take either a self-compassionate or self-esteem enhancing view of a setback or failure. For example, when asked to reflect on a personal weakness, some were asked to "imagine that you are talking to yourself about this weakness from a compassionate and understanding perspective. What would you say?"
Others were asked to instead focus on boosting their self-esteem: "Imagine that you are talking to yourself about this weakness from a perspective of validating your positive qualities. What would you say?"
People who experienced self-compassion were more likely to see their weaknesses as changeable. Self-compassion — far from taking them off the hook — actually increased their motivation to improve and avoid the same mistake again in the future.
This increased motivation lead to demonstrably superior performance. For instance, in one study, participants who failed an initial test were given a second chance to improve their scores. Those who took a self-compassionate view of their earlier failure studied 25 percent longer, and scored higher on a second test, than participants who focused on bolstering their self-esteem.
Why is self-compassion so powerful? In large part, because it is non-evaluative — in other words, your ego is effectively out of the picture — you can confront your flaws and foibles head on. You can get a realistic sense of your abilities and your actions, and figure out what needs to be done differently next time.
When your focus is instead on protecting your self-esteem, you can't afford to really look at yourself honestly. You can't acknowledge the need for improvement, because it means acknowledging weaknesses and shortcomings — threats to self-esteem that create feelings of anxiety and depression. How can you learn how to do things right when it's killing you to admit — even to yourself — that you've done them wrong?
要成功，请忘掉自尊
为了提高自己、改善自己，暂时让自尊为自我同情让路。如果仅仅为了自尊而原地不动，或许就不会有同情自己缺点、弱点和改进缺点和弱点的机会，那么就可能失去成功的机会。
Johnson Deng【译】
摘要：本文强调的是自我同情的作用。自我同情是一种意愿，指用善意和理解的心态去看待你自己的错误与缺点。过度看待自己的自尊，也许就意味着失去改进的机会。在你还不足够强大时，适度让自尊为自我同情让路，宽容自己，给自己提供改进的机会。
看看亚马逊的自助栏标题目录，你会发现其子目录自尊栏下约有近5000本书籍。其中大多数书籍的目的不仅是要让你知道为什么自己的自尊或许还不够，而且还向你展示如何提高自己的自尊。由于自尊至少在西方文化中被视为是个人成功的基石，因此在这样的文化氛围下提倡自尊是一项繁荣的事业。除非你对自己的强大持有绝对的信心，否则逻辑上你是不可能取得成功的。
当然，为了保持对强大的信念，你必须是绝对强大的。这样你就会默然地生活在一种害怕犯错误的恐慌里，而且一旦你真的犯了错误时你就会有挫败感。你唯一的防御方法就是重新将注意力放在所有你做得好的事情上去，以此抚平你心灵上自尊，直到忘掉这些让你感到恐惧的弱势情节并继续一些自我感觉良好的事情。
想一想，这听起来的确不是什么取得成功的方法，对吗？事实上，有关高自尊最近得出的一个令人堪忧的研究结论是：高自尊未必就名副其实，高自尊未必就预示着更好的成就或更大的成功。尽管高自尊的人自认为他们更成功，但客观上来讲并非如此。高自尊不会使你成为更有效的领导，不会使你成为更有魅力的爱人，更不可能引领健康的生活方式，也不会使你在面试中更吸引人、更引人注目。但如果斯图亚特.斯莫利（Stuart Smalley）是错的，高自尊就不是解决你所有问题的答案。那么，解决你所有问题的答案是什么呢？
一家新兴的研究机构，包括伯克利的Berkeley Juliana Breines与Serena Chen所作的研究表明，真正能挖掘你伟大潜能的关键要素也许不是你的自尊，而是你的自我同情。
此刻，我知道你们当中的一些人已经开始怀疑“自我同情”这个词了。但这是一个科学的、以数据为依据而得出的观点，而不是凭感觉认为良好的心理学术语。因此，务必坚持下去，听听别人的意见。
自我同情（self-compassion)是一种意愿，指用善意和理解的心态去看待你自己的错误与缺点，它包括这样一种事实，即犯错是人的本质（即是人都会犯错）。面临困难时给自己以同情，这样你就不会严厉的批判你自己，也不会会为了保护自尊而感到必须得防御性地去凸显你的所有强势品质。正如许多研究所示，自我同情不仅能为一个人带来更高水准的健康、乐观以及快乐，而且还能为一个人减少忧虑与抑郁。
但结果怎样呢？自我同情也许感觉良好，但是不是那些严于律己、力争最优的的人就不属于那些最终更有可能取得成功的人呢？
要回答这一问题，重要的一点是要了解自我同情不是什么。自我同情的精神是指在一定程度上宽恕自己、饶恕自己，它与脱离困境或减少障碍完全是两码事。在承担结果责任时你可以持有自我同情心；在追求最具挑战性的目标时你可以持有自我同情心。自我同情与摆脱困境、减少障碍的区别不在于你要实现的结果，而在于你在追求结果的过程中如何看待波折。事实上，新的研究表明如果你具有自我同情心，那么你更有可能实现你的目标。
在Brienes和Chen所做的研究里，他们要求参加实验的人要么接受自我同情观，要么接受只会增强挫折或失败感的自尊观。例如，在要求一些人思考个人弱点时，要求他们想象着从自我同情与自我理解的角度来进行自我交流，那么他们会对自己说什么呢？
相反，另外一些人则是要凸显他们的自尊，要求他们从正视积极品质的角度来就这一弱点进行自我交流。那么他们会对自己说什么呢？
结果，具有自我同情心的人更有可能视他们的弱点是可以改变的。看似与摆脱困境相隔甚远的自我同情，它实际上增加了这些人自我提升和避免在将来犯同样错误的动力。
动力的增加带来了无可厚非的优异成效。例如，在研究中，首次试验失败的人都可获得第二次机会去提高他们的成绩。其中，那些带着同情心去看待他们第一次失败的人，试验时间比上一次延长了25%，结果他们取得的成绩不仅比第一次要高，而且比那些仍然坚持自尊的人所取得的成绩也要高。
为什么自我同情会有如此大的力量？因为自我同情是不可估量的。换言之，自尊实际上是对实际情形缺乏正确的认识，你可能因此而将自己的缺点和瑕疵放在第一位。但有了自我同情，你可以对自己的能力和行为获得一个切合实际的理解，从而琢磨出下一次该采取什么样的不同方案。
相反，当你将重心放在保护你的自尊时，你就不能够真实、诚恳地去看待自己。这样一来，你就不能承认自己还有待于提高，因为承认自己有待于提高就等于承认自己的弱点和缺陷；毕竟，弱点和缺陷会对自尊造成威胁，从而让你产生焦虑和抑郁感。那么勇于承认自己已经酿成错误时，如何才能搞懂怎样去将事情做好呢？
这是一个不可避免的事实：你会犯错误，任何人包括任何一个成功人士都会犯很多的错误。众所周知，成功的关键是从错误中吸取教训并得以不断的提升。但并不是所有人都明白这个道理。为此，你一直在寻找的就是自我同情。所以，务必要宽待自己、饶恕自己。
