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boyfriend wants to have sex with his girlfriend,but ashamed of his small organ...decided to bring girlfriend in dark place,open his ziper and put penis in GF's hand...GF:no thanks ,i don't smoke! A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ." The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penisss and enlarge it." three drunk friends made a bet whoever can make their wives scream the longest during sex win 1000.next day when they met. first guy:I made love to my wife 2.5hours and she screaming for 1.5hours; second guy:I licked my wife for 2hours and she was screaming whole time and even 1/2hour after I was done; third guy:that’s nothing,I made love to my wife 10mins and I came twice,wipe my dick on the curtain and my wife still screming at me up to now! Q:what is the strongest muscle? A:the tongue—it can raise a woman’s hips. Q:what is the lightest muscle? A:the penis—it can be raised by a tongue. an elephant asks the camel:why do you have your boobs on your back? the camel answered:what a silly question from someone with a big penis on his face.. A guy asks hooker how much? she says: $50 on bed,$20 on sofa,$10 on grass. he gave her $50. she says:you’re a man of class.one time on bed? guy said:no!five times on grass! A little kid says to his mother, "Mommy, last night I saw you sitting on Daddy's belly and jumping up and down. Why were you doing that?" She says "Oh, uh, I was just trying to squeeze the air out of Daddy's belly." So the kid says, "I don't know why, the neighbor lady's just gonna blow him up again tomorrow." salesgirl:excuse me sir,you can not smoke here... customer:but I bought this cigarettes from your store.. salesgirl:sir we also sell condoms,but it doesn’t mean you can fuck here. This guy has a girl friend named Wendy who finally convinces him to tatoo her name on his penis... well when it's soft you can only see W Y . One night they go out and he goes to the restroom. He sees a tall black guy standing at the urinal next to him and notices a "W Y" tattoo on his penis too. He hesitates then asks the guy if his girlfriend's name is Wendy too. The guy replies "No, why?" He explains that his girlfriend had him get "Wendy" tatooed on his penis and it too only shows W Y when it's soft. Then he asks the guy... so what's your tatoo say when it's hard anyway? The guy replies "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day!" a new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks.he noticed a female horse. Captain:what’s that horse for? soldier:our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex. Captain:ah,it is ok. (One night,the captain feel an urge,so the soldier brought the hurse to his tent.the captain fucked the hurse.after that,he saw the soldier smiling outside his tent) captain:its so hard!..how do you do it? soldier:we ride on the horse to the next town where the girl are. Captain:son-of-a-bitch!!! Little John attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, John asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. John, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom." farmer bought a milking machine.tried it on his penis and had an orgasm but he can’t remove it.so he read the manual and fainted.it says:AUTO-RELEASE AFTER 1 LITER Mrs:doc,how is my husband? Dor:he’ll be ALL RIGHT! Mrs:what?after that horrible accident? Dor:yes,we cut off his LEFT arm and LEFT leg,so,all RIGHT now!! speaker:who among you had experienced having sex with a Ghost? (A farmer raised his hand) speaker:really?how does it feel to have sex with a Ghost? Farmer:shit!i thought goats!! how will a gentleman say to his dinner date when he wants to pee urgently? “excuse me,I have to shake hands with a friend of mine who hopes to meet you after dinner” An Arab was interviewed at a U.S checkpoint. Guard:your name please? Arab:ABDUL AZIZ G:sex? A:6 times a week. G:I mean,male or female? A:doesn’t matter,sometimes even camel G:holy cow!! A:yes,cows and dogs too! G:man,isn’t that hostile? A:hostile,dogstyle any style! G:oh dear!! A:deer?no deer!they run fast…. little girl:”mommy,I just found out that the little boy next door has a penis like a peanut” mommy:”you mean its small?” little girl:no,its salty Blond says to the doctor:”I think my tits are full of water” Doctor:”how do u figure that?” Blond:”everytime a guy squeezes them my pussy gets wet” old man:doctor,I’m 90 and my 18 years old wife is pregnant!doc:let me tell you a stoty about an old hunter who,instead of his gun,brought his umbrella to the jungle,met a bear,aimed his umbrella,pulled the trigger and the bear dropped dead.. old man:impossible!somebody else must have shot the bear.. doc:exactly!! man:my wife needs a bra but I don’t know the size… sales girl:don’t worry sir,touch my boobs and try 2 estimate. man:oh..i forgot!!she needs panties too!! 'sex’ is like a restaurant,sometimes you get good service,….sometimes bad service, ….sometimes no service, ….and sometimes you have to be happy with…. news!a 90years old man starts make love to his 85 years old wife.he started sucking the breast,after 10 seconds,he died. autopsy report:cause of death,EXPIRED MILK! there are 70 ways to make a woman happy,one is shopping and the rest is 69. LITTLE GIRL: "Mom, what's a Penis?" MOM: "Be a good girl! If you grow up, you'll get 1" LITTLE GIRL: "what if I'm bad?" MOM: "You'll get MORE!" one day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about courting.flustered,she replied,”tonight go watch your sis when she comes home with her boyfriend.that’s courting.” The next day,Johnny tells his mother what happened.”well,sis and her boyfriend came home last night ans sat on the couch.they started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces.her boyfriend must have thought so to,because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc.he wasn’t as good as the doc though,he missed an awful lot. That’s when the fever started.i know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot.then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra,and I saw why he couldn’t get to her heart,there were these big bumps on her chest!he then rips off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there,she should clean it more often.i guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there,licking using his fingers.then sis yelled out to God and upzipped her boyfriend’s pants.this big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite it’s head off.she stopped trying and then it squirted all over the couch.then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake,I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it.she said it was nearly as big as Daddy’s!suddenly,she stopped and said she wasn’t on anything,but her boyfriend said it was too late.they had both come.So,did I explain it right?” His mom fainted. son:mom,who’s my real father? Mom:I don’t know son,because that time I was on dogstyle. LAWYER:how many times were you raped by the accused? GIRL:I was raped 3 times! ACCUSED:liar!hey you,2 times only! GIRL:why 2 times only?the one when I am on top is not counted? judge:why did you kill your boyfriend? Lady:he picked me up from school,took me to a bedroom,remove my uniform,laid me on the bed,spread my legs & then said…joke joke joke!!! P代表比索,菲律宾的货币单位 Boss:let me fuck you,just 1 time,I’ll be quick,I’ll throw p1000 on the floor & before you bend &and pick it up,I’ll be done! Girl likes the proposal&calls her boyfriend. Boyfriend:ok but ask for p2000 & be very quick to pick up the money… After 4 hours boyfriend calls &asks:”what happened?” Girl:shit!it was all coins!! what’s the difference between a high school student from a college student when having their monthly period? Highschool student:shit!!...i have! College student:yes!!!...i have! Name 5 ROAD signs that describe d female organ: 1.deep excavation 2.slippery when wet 3.stop-on red signal 4.slow-down on curves & humps 5.MEN AT WORK! :) a guy and a girl were having sex in the car. Guy:if I had known you were still a virgin,I would have taken more time. Girl:actually if I had known that you really had more time,I would have just taken off my panty hose. in 1964 the first topless bar opened in san Francisco.the good news is the bar is still open.the bad news is same girls still work there. Good Friends are like Underwears, they Cover you. Better Friends are like Condoms,they Protect u. BestFriends are like Viagra,they Keep you UP when you are DOWN. A doctor walked back to the examining room to talk to an 80 years old man after a full physical examination. The doctor check the chart and told the old man, every thing looks fine, “by the way” the doctor asked “How was you sex life?” The old man reply, “My sex life……” “I have sex almost everyday” the surprised doctor said “Please tell me how can I keep myself in shape so when I become 80 year old, I can have sex everyday like you?” The old man tell the doctor, “No, No, No. What I meant was; I almost had sex on Monday, I almost had sex on Tuesday, I almost had sex on Wednesday, and I almost had sex on Thursday and I almost…………….. I have sex almost everyday”. Good Friends are like Underwears, they Cover you. Better Friends are like Condoms,they Protect u. BestFriends are like Viagra,they Keep you UP when you are DOWN. "We take good care of your grandfather," the nurse at the retirement home told the worried relatives. "Every evening we give him a glass of warm milk, and a Viagra, and he sleeps well all night." "Warm milk and Viagra? Why?" "The warm milk helps him to fall asleep, and the vigra keeps him from rolling out of bed." here is a husband and wife ,the live on a farm....and they are laying in bed....the husband rolls over and grabs the wife by the tits and says if you could get milk out of these we could get rid of the cows..... Then he grabs her by the pussy and says if you could get eggs out of this we could get rid of the chickens ... Then the wife grabs him by the cock and says if you could get this up ...I could get rid of your brother.... do you know why bra makers measure cup size by “A B C D E F”? A ——Almost flat, B——Barely noticeable, C——Comfortable, D——Damn good, E——Extremely big F——Fake A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him. The newcomer asks, "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?" The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor." "W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?" The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem. "A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?" "Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk." Top Joke in Northern Ireland A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'. Top Joke in Scotland I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. Top joke in UK A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you. Top joke in USA A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years." Top joke in Canada When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. THE WINNING JOKE A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?" sexy deaf-mute went to see DR. so she can learn to speak: DR:ok,put your panty down,then turn around(DR puts bird inside) Sexy deaf-mute:AAaa DR:ok,tomorrow we learn how to say letter B! Two Cannibals, pa & s0n hunting for food,saw a pretty lady swimming. S0N: Yes!we have something for lunch! PA: No way! We take her home & eat your mam! Men were born from between the legs of a woman yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs.WHY?because there’s no place like home. a lawyer confused about his math asked his secretary:if I give you &3M less 17%,how much would you take off? secretary:everything sir!DRESS,BRA,PANTY-ALL THE WAY! |
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