Dating In the Gray Area

Love Letters: Dating In the Gray Area

• Meredith Goldstein
• @MeredithGoldste
• Globe Staff
• JUNE 27, 2014 8:26 AM

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe and Boston.com writer, author of the novel "The Singles," and writer of the Love Letters blog, which appears every weekday online and is reprinted in The Boston Globe on Tuesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. Meredith offers relationship advice -- and welcomes yours. Send letters to loveletters@.

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I'm looking for updates. If you're a former letter writer, please send an update to meregoldstein at gmail dot com. Write UPDATE in the subject line. Use your original email address or tell me what it was so I know that it's really you.

Q:

I am at a standstill with dating right now. I am in my early 20s working in Boston, and as a young professional time is limited. The only man I have time for is Starbucks. I have dipped my feet into the online dating pool, but the results have not been satisfactory. It seems like no one who has messaged me is looking to get serious in a relationship. The men that have messaged me just want a casual type of thing, which pretty much means a hookup. I decided to go on Tinder to switch things up, but that did not help much either. I got a ton of matches, but again there was no one looking to get serious. It seems like there is no middle ground for these dating sites -- people either want to hookup or get married. Being so young, I am caught in a gray area and I don’t know what to do!

– A girl that needs a boyfriend other than Starbucks

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A:So ... what exactly are you looking for? How would you define this middle ground? It's going to be difficult to find someone who can articulate his place in the gray area. I doubt that any of these men will message you and say, "I'm not looking to hook up or get married -- I just want to date you for eight months before we have a horrible fight and then realize we're not a match."

My advice? Date the people who want big relationships. Yes, some of them are looking to get married, but they don't necessarily want to marry you. The serious guys just want companionship and a relationship with potential. And at the end of the day, that’s what you're looking for too, right?

Also remember to look offline. You might meet a friend of a friend who shares your place in life. Or maybe there's someone at Starbucks. You can't limit yourself to these sites.

Readers? Is the gray area a real thing? Is she in it? How do you look for an appropriate relationship in your early 20s?

– Meredith