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作者丨Julie Exline 译者丨都都狸 人们羡慕我大逗比，总是攒得一手好人卡，其实不知我们心有千千结啊——每一句迎合背后都是违心的话语，每一次援手都是事后想剁手的悔恨，每一次赞美都有对应的ONS；可是……我就是控制不住自己惹。 作为一个乐善好施的逗比，亮瞎人家的狗眼可以让你狂刷存在感。由于你特别在乎关系的和谐，你总是把别人的感受看得更重要。当需要为集体作出牺牲时，第一个想到你，毕竟自我牺牲都成了你的天然属性。 作为一个逗比，对你所感知到的需要和要求，你最典型的回答就是——“好的呀”。 “好的呀，放着我来！” “好的呀，和你们一伙、帮助你、照顾你统统开心死了噜……” “是的呢！你说得忒有道理！” 久而久之，好好先生的生存策略或许挺奏效的。助人为乐，乐人乐己嘛。最重要的是，大家都喜欢你，他们当你是最友善、最具助人精神、无私的团队合作者。 如果只是这样，那还真心不错。 但是对于逗比来说，事情不会止于此。实际上有很多潜在的负能量潜伏在逗比心里。 当你不能再讨好人们的时候，你就会感到巨大的内疚和焦虑，你害怕别人不再喜欢自己。你就像躲瘟疫一样躲避冲突，因为你不想卷入任何麻烦。你觉得有义务让身边的每个人都感到快乐（至少没有黑脸），为了这些，你察言观色、绞尽脑汁。 而这恰恰就是症结所在，下面举几个例子打打逗比们的脸： ● 人人快乐，责无旁贷？只要别人开口，逗比们就接手，因为逗比不能忍受任何一个人不爽，有时答应下来的事情已经超出了自己可以处理的范围，逗比们只有独自死扛、吐槽、心力交瘁……事与愿违的是，逗比因为承诺太多，导致每个承诺的完成质量下降而让人家失望。 ● 枪打出头鸟？有时人们不愿拿出真本事，因为他们害怕自己过分出色的表现会令小伙伴们自惭形秽，从而中伤他们的幼小的心灵，万一激起羡慕嫉妒恨那是极不好的。这个时候，我们的研究就犀利地发现了因果的联系——越怕人前闪闪发光，越是逗比本质。 ● 遇冲突，先投降？因为你不想惹是生非，当你遇到来自小伙伴们的压力时，就无法坚持自我原则。比如说，为了配合大家的饮食习惯，，你就会多吃或少吃来和他们保持一致。同样的道理适用于抽烟、喝酒、吸毒。只有大家高兴，自己道德沦丧也是分分钟的事啊。Milgram在经典的服从权威的研究里说过，当一个人决心讨好另一个人，只有他叫你去整人，你内心的良知也拉不住你。 另外还有些例子，属于是好好先生们自作孽不可活—— “好吧……尽管我都累瘫了。” “好吧……但我真心不想做” “好吧……虽然我觉得最好不要” “好吧……仅仅因为我害怕拒绝别人” 在心理学领域，社会性依赖这个概念正是来自于对抑郁的研究文献——社会性依赖是增加患上抑郁症的概率的几个人际交往模式之一。 在心理的内在运作机制中，当你为了答应别人某事，付出的代价是违背价值观、放弃合理需求、偏移重要的目标，你甚至会失去本心当你习惯于迎合他人的要求。 那么，你要如何来抑制这种逗比倾向？ ● 倾听你的心声吧。内心的某个部分在抗拒迎合，如果你听到心里发出警告，好像在说“这样是不对的“、”这太过分了“、”你会后悔的“，那么你就先思而后行吧，至少在答应别人前过过脑子。 ● 给自己一点时间。让一个逗比在压力面前瞬间答应别人的请求会让他走上极端。如果你对别人的请求有所谨慎，那么至少在决定之前多给自己一些思考的时间。根据对方请求的程度来决定考虑时长，比如“我能在回家前帮他一把吗？“那么你可能考虑几分钟；”和我结婚吧？“那就得需要更长时间了。 ● 搞清楚自己的感受。不要混淆你出于友善想要帮助别人的意愿（通常带来平静而积极的能量）以及出于恐惧、内疚和压力所迫做出的决定。 ● 直面恐惧。克服焦虑的要点一般都包括直面恐惧——心理治疗师们把这叫做“暴露疗法“。然而我们知道，哪怕有些事情，明明心里想着拒绝，不认同，但鼓起勇气说出自己的意见却是难事。记住，拒绝也没有必要咄咄逼人：你只需要肯定地拒绝别人，保留自己的体面和对他们的尊重。 ● 忍受不适。你说的没错……的确有人讨厌被拒绝，尤其是当他们习惯了你一以贯之的奉献和牺牲。坚持下去，这或许是可怕，但因为你的拒绝而不高兴的某人并不会引起世界的坍塌。 关心他人，帮助他人是很好的品质，不要放弃它。逗比们面临的挑战是需要多些勇气和个人力量，变得更有骨气些。因为如果你能够说不就不，你将会得到更多时间、经历专注于那些你真正想做的、给他人生活带去积极改变的影响。 长远来看，当逗比们克服了上述重重心理障碍，他就会成为一个名副其实的逗比，一个表里如一地说着“好的呀“的人。 原文 People Pleasing: Short-Term Benefits and Long-Term Costs So you’re a people pleaser! You’re one of those nice people—so helpful and kind. It makes you really happy to brighten someone’s day. You strive for peace and harmony in your relationships, and you routinely put others before yourself. Others can count on you to “take one for the team.” After all, self-sacrifice is part of your nature. As a people pleaser, your typical response to any perceived need or request is YES. --YES. I will do that. --YES. I’d be happy to join you...to help you...to take care of you... --YES. You are right! Much of the time, this strategy may work reasonably well. You feel good about helping others. And, for the most part, other people like you. They see you as one of those nice, helpful, giving people--a real team player. So far, so good.But for the people pleaser, it doesn’t stop here. There’s a lot of negative emotion lurking in the background. Not only do you want to please people, but you feel excessive guilt and anxiety when you can’t. You fear the disapproval of others. You avoid conflict like the plague. You don’t want to make any trouble. And having someone angry at you can be downright terrifying. In short, your approach to relationships crosses a line—from simply being kind and helpful to being crippled by fears of interpersonal conflict. You take on responsibility for other people’s feelings and reactions, trying desperately to keep everyone happy (or at least appeased). And this is where big problems can start. Here are just a few examples: Taking on too much responsibility. Because it doesn’t seem OK to let anyone down, you say yes to more tasks and commitments than you can handle. This can lead to overwork, resentment, and burnout. Paradoxically, you may eventually end up letting other people down because you are too overextended to keep all of those commitments. Not letting your light shine. Sometimes people perform at less than their best because they are nervous about the social consequences of outshining others. They worry that if they do better than someone else, the person(s) they have outperformed will feel hurt, envious, and maybe even hostile toward them. Our research suggests that people pleasing (psychological term: sociotropy) is a very strong, reliable predictor of this discomfort about outperformance. Caving in to social pressure. Because you don’t want to make waves, you may find it tough to follow your principles when facing peer pressure. For example, you might eat more than you want—or less than you want—in an attempt to match what others around you are eating. The same pattern could play out with regard to smoking, drinking alcohol, or drug use. People pleasing could even cross the line into serious moral lapses, as shown in Milgram’s classic studies of obedience to authority: If you are determined to please a person who is pressuring you to harm someone else, the voice of your own conscience could be drowned out. In some cases, then, your YES might come with a bitter aftertaste. --Yes...although I am weary and worn out. --Yes...but I will resent it. --Yes...although it’s against my better judgment. --Yes...but only because I’m too afraid to say no. In psychology, the concept of sociotropy (i.e., people pleasing) comes straight out of the research literature on depression. It turns out that sociotropy is one of several interpersonal styles that can increase the risk of depressive symptoms. Internally, problems tend to arise when saying yes to others means saying no to some deeper part of yourself, such as your core values, legitimate needs, or important goals. You may have even lost touch with these deeper parts of yourself because you’re so used to accommodating to other people's preferences and responding to their needs. So what can you do about these people-pleasing tendencies? Listen to that inner voice. Is some part of you raising a red flag about saying yes in this situation? If you are hearing an internal warning, something saying, “This is wrong,” or, “This is just too much,” or, “You’ll regret this later,” do yourself a favor and at least listen before immediately saying yes. Buy yourself some time. The pressure to respond to that person in front of you can push any people pleaser over the edge. If you are feeling wary about saying yes, try to give yourself some time to reflect before deciding. Depending on the size of the request, you might just need a few minutes (“Do I have time to help this person before I go home?”), or you might need a long time (“Will you marry me?”) Take a close look at your thoughts. Try to distinguish between your desire to be kind (which will usually feel peaceful and positive) and the thoughts that lead to fear, guilt, or a sense of pressure. Face your fears. Treatments for anxiety almost always involve facing your fears—what psychologists call exposure therapy. But even when you know, deep down, that it would be wise to say, "No," or “Not now,” or “I disagree,” it can be tough to muster up the courage to say it. Remember, there’s usually no need to get aggressive: You can give your response in an assertive way that shows respect for yourself and the other person(s) involved. Tolerate the discomfort. You’re right...some other people may not like it when you tell them no, especially if they benefit from your usual pattern of constant giving and self-sacrificing. Hang in there. Yes, it may be scary. But the world will not come to an end because someone is unhappy with your choices. It's great that you have a strong desire to connect with others and to respond to people’s needs. No one’s asking you to give that up. The challenge may be to come to a place of greater courage and personal strength... to develop a little more “backbone”. Because if you are able to say no when it really counts, the more time, energy, and focus you'll have to really make a positive difference in other people’s lives. In the long run, then, challenging some of those people-pleasing tendencies could actually be one of your best ways to say yes to others...without having to say no to yourself.
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