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Let me begin by stating that divorce is not a good thing! It is a traumatic experience for everyone involved; it tears families apart, adversely impacts the lives of children, harms people’s self-esteem, confidence and finances and satisfies no one but the divorce lawyers. 首先我要说明一下，离婚绝不是一件好事！对于离婚的任何一方来说，这都是一次创伤性的经历：家庭四分五裂，对孩子的生活造成负面影响，伤害人们的自尊，信心和经济状况。对此感到满意的恐怕只有离婚律师了。 Every effort should always be made to try and save a marriage, and I also truly believe that all marriages – except those involving abuse and repeated infidelity – can be saved, should be saved and are capable of becoming marriages that fulfill each partners’ dreams and wishes. However, this requires the will of both parties and sometimes that will is missing. Which brings me to the 7 lessons I have learned through working with people to help them overcome the pain of their marriages ending. These are especially important lessons over the Holidays when many people often feel the impact of divorce the most. 我们应该采取一切努力来挽救一段婚姻，我总是真切地相信，所有婚姻——除了充满虐待和反复出轨的婚姻之外——都是可以挽救并且应该挽救的，这段婚姻也可以能够满足夫妻的梦想和愿望。然而，这要求双方都有意愿，但事实并不是这样。这让我想起我帮助人们克服离婚后的伤痛时了解到的七个教训。在节日期间，这些教训尤为重要。因为在这些时候，人们最经常感受到离婚的影响。 1. No good marriage ends in divorce 1.任何好的婚姻都不会以离婚收场 The fact is that despite how much you may have wanted a perfect relationship and fairy tale marriage, it didn’t happen. There may be numerous unforeseen situations that caused the demise of your marriage: job loss, family illnesses or death, personal health issues or whatever, but the sad truth is the marriage just didn’t survive. That means that one, or both of you, were not sufficiently committed to making it work. If it was your ex-spouse who ended the marriage, then this means he or she was not right for you. As upsetting as it is, if you would have done more to make your marriage work but your ex-spouse did not, this means they weren’t right for you because their values did not match yours. One day you will meet someone whose values do. 事实是，不论你曾经多么憧憬一段完美的恋情和童话般的婚姻，却从未实现。或许有许多不可知因素导致你们婚姻的终结：失业，家人疾病或死亡，个人健康问题或者任何情况，但婚姻没有幸存下来确实是悲哀的事实。这意味着其中一方或双方没有努力让婚姻持续下去。如果导致婚姻结束的是你的前任，这意味着他或她并不适合你。尽管非常令人苦恼，然而我们必须承认，如果你曾经做了更多努力来维持婚姻，而你的前任却没有，只能说他或她不适合你，因为他或她的价值观和你的不匹配。总有一天你会遇到志趣相投的人。 2. You lose yourself to find yourself 2.你迷失了自我，去重新寻找自我 Divorce hurts. It hurts like a death. The mourning process can be long and no one should tell you how long you should mourn for. You completely lose yourself after your divorce. You lose your sense of knowing, your self-esteem, your sense of safety, you lose your confidence, maybe even your friends or your home. You totally lose yourself, but eventually you find yourself. 离婚会造成伤害，这种伤害就像死亡一样。哀悼的过程会非常漫长，并且没人能告诉你需要哀悼多长时间。离婚后你完全失去了自我。你失去了知觉，自尊，安全感，自信，甚至朋友或家人。你完全失去了自我，但是最终也能够找回自我。 Eventually, you realize you actually lost yourself in your marriage, not your divorce. You realize that in your marriage you lost who YOU were. You realize you lost your own identity. Divorce allows you to find You again, the individual you were before, and it is a wonderful feeling to be “you” again. 最终，你意识到你是在婚姻中，而不是在离婚中失去了自我。你意识到，在你的婚姻中，你失去了本真。你意识到，你迷失了自己的身份。离婚让你重新找到自己，以前的那个作为独立个体的你，重新做回自己是非常奇妙的感觉！ 3. You have control over your time 3.你能够控制自己的时间 Although initially the loneliness is isolating, eventually it becomes exhilarating. If you have children, maybe you now have every other week to yourself. Even if you have primary custody, you may still find you have the occasional weekend or Holiday to yourself that you have not had in years. You may rediscover the joy of sleeping until noon, or hobbies and pastimes you’d not been able to experience in a while. You may even find new hobbies you never knew you would enjoy! 最初，恢复单身会让你觉得孤独，但是最终却让你兴奋。如果你们有孩子，或许现在你会每隔一周就有属于自己的时间。即使你是主要监护人，你或许偶尔也有周末或假期的自由时间，这是多年来从未有过的。你或许重新发现了睡觉睡到中午的乐趣，或者长时间没有经历的兴趣爱好和娱乐消遣。你甚至可能会发现以前从不知道自己喜欢的新的爱好。 The world really now is your oyster, so why not take that salsa class you’d always wanted to, or the painting workshop, or take up rock climbing, or zip lining, or go on that vacation you always dreamed about, or jump out of a plane! Whatever you want to do, you now have time to do it, so take advantage of this new found free time and enjoy yourself in a way you haven’t been able to in years! 现在，世界是属于你的，为何不去报名参加向往已久的萨尔萨课程，或者彩绘工作坊，或者去攀岩，滑绳缆，享受久违的假期，或者去跳伞呢？无论你想要做什么，你现在都有时间去做了，所以，充分利用现在的空闲时间，以多年来从未尝试的方式享受快乐！ 4. Your appearance improves 4.外表有所改善 Admit it, we all kind of fall asleep in marriage when it comes to our appearance. We all get a little lazy, a little out of shape. Maybe we don’t look after ourselves quite like we did before we were married. During the marriage that felt like one of the plus points, but now that you are divorced there is every need to. 要承认这一点，婚后我们在外表方面都有所懈怠。我们变得有点懒惰，身材有点走形。或许我们不像婚前那么注重自己的外表。婚姻期间，我们认为外表只不过是锦上添花，而现在你离婚了，非常有必要注重仪表。 How many people have you seen who within a year or so after their divorce looked better than they had in years! Now, I don’t say these things for superficial reasons. I am not saying that physical appearance and looking good are the most important things in the world, but what I am saying is that looking good makes you feel good. After divorce your appearance will improve, and you will feel better and more confident for it. People will begin noticing you again, you will begin noticing yourself again, and if you also begin eating better and exercising more, your health will improve also – which is a priceless gift! 你曾经见过多少人离婚一年左右的形象比之前的几年更好！我说这些并不是因为肤浅的原因。我并不是说外表和看上去漂亮是世界上最重要的事情，但是我要说的是，看上去好看会让你感觉也好。离婚后你会改善外表，也会因此感觉更好，更加自信。人们会重新开始注意你，你也会重新开始注意自己，如果你开始吃得更好，并且更注重锻炼，你的健康状况也会好转——这个礼物是无价的。 5. Everything can be a lesson, even when pain is the teacher 5.一切都可以是教训，就连痛苦也是老师 As I wrote above, divorce hurts, but everything that happens to us in Life is a lesson, even when pain is the teacher. Maybe you were too trusting or too focused on your career. Maybe you neglected your own happiness for his or your children’s. Maybe you did nothing wrong at all and this unfortunately just happened. 就像我上面写道的，离婚会造成伤害，但是生活中发生的一切都是一堂课，即使痛苦也是我们的老师。或许你太信任对方，或许你太专注于于自己的职业。或许你因为伴侣或孩子而忽略了自己的幸福。或许你什么也没有做错,但不幸的离婚还是发生了。 Whatever the reasons for the divorce, there are still valuable life lessons to be learned. Yes, those lessons can be very painful, but it may just be the very lesson your soul needs. You also learn that just because it’s not the Life you planned, it doesn’t mean it is the wrong Life for you. It may not be what you wanted, but it’s what you have and that can be very liberating because you realize that life doesn’t always go the way you want it to and that’s OK. It’s OK if you don’t get the job you really wanted. Its OK if you don’t get the promotion you expected.That is just part of Life. You don’t always get what you want, but you still – always – have to try and make the most of it, and that can be very freeing and empowering to learn. 无论离婚的原因是什么，离婚仍有很多珍贵的人生课程值得我们学习。是的，那些教训可能非常痛苦，但是你的灵魂或许本来就需要这些教训。你也会学到，仅仅因为这不是你计划的生活，并不意味着这种生活不适合你。或许不是你想要的，但却是你拥有的，这会让人解脱，因为你意识到生活不会总是按照你的预期继续，这没什么大不了的。没有获得你想要的工作没什么大不了的。没有按照预期得到晋升没什么大不了的。这只是生活的一部分。你不会总是得到你想要的，但是你仍然，也总是必须努力，从中获取自己想得到的，这样的努力会让你感觉解放并且值得去学习。 6. You value the Present 6.珍惜当下 Divorce rips your world apart. It undermines your very being and robs you of a security that you hoped you would always have. But, of course, that security was an illusion. It never existed. You simply thought it did. Divorce teaches you to enjoy and value the present. When you are with your children, value that time. When you are not with your children, value that time too. When you are out with friends, value that time. When you are sat alone at home watching a TV show alone, value that time. 离婚让你的世界四分五裂。它破坏了你的本性，掠夺了你希望一直拥有的安全感。但是，当然，这种安全感只是你的幻觉，从不存在，只是你曾经认为如此。离婚教会你享受和珍惜此时此刻。珍惜和孩子在一起的时光，享受不和孩子在一起的时光，享受和朋友在外疯狂的时光，享受独自一人看电视的时光，珍惜当下。 Divorce teaches you that you can spend your entire time thinking about the past, and what could have been, or what you or he/she could have or should have done differently, but ultimately you realize that those thoughts are worthless.You realize that as much as you may wish to change the past, you can’t, and that all you have is the present. So begin to try and enjoy that present. 离婚教会你，你可以把所有时间用在思考过去，原本应该如何，你或者对方应该如何做，但是最终你会意识到，这些想法毫无价值。你会意识到如论你多么希望改变过去，你都无能为力，你拥有的只有现在。所以，开始努力享受此时此刻。 You also learn that anger towards your ex, doesn’t harm your ex, it only harms you. Like Ghandi said, ‘anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to become ill.” Anger only harms you, so eventually you must and will learn to manage your thoughts and live in the present in a way that you never did before the divorce. 你还会学习到，对前任的愤怒不会对他/她造成任何伤害，而只会伤害到自己。就像甘地说的，“愤怒就像是自己喝着毒药，却期盼另一个人死去。”愤怒只会伤害自己，所以最终你必须学会管理自己的想法，以跟离婚前完全不同的方式活在当下。 7. You become stronger and it makes you who you are 7.你会变得更加坚强 I do not know where you are on your divorce journey. Maybe you are recently divorced; maybe you’re going through the process right now, maybe it was a year ago, or maybe ten years ago. But I do know that eventually you will get through it. Eventually the feeling of betrayal and disappointment will subside. One day you will no longer feel the anger or loss you felt. You may always question why and you may never truly forgive, but one day you will get through it and find Happiness again. It will happen and when it does, you will be stronger for it. 我不知道你正处于离婚的哪个阶段。或许你最近刚刚离婚；或许你正在离婚，或许离婚一年了，或许十年了。但是我知道，你最终都会克服。背叛和失望的感觉最终都会淡化。总有一天你不会再感觉到以前的愤怒或失落。你会质疑为何要原谅，或许永远都不会真正地原谅对方，但是总有一天你会克服，重新找到幸福。这一天一定会到来，而那时，你会发现自己更加坚强。 I believe that divorce is a ‘disrupter’ designed to make us question whether we are on the right path. Divorce is a very personal journey, a journey that can only be defined and understood by you. But it is a journey, and a journey that is hard. But it does come with some expected benefits. Dare I even say Blessings. In life, it is always important to count your blessings and not your problems. Everything happens to us for a reason. Everything that happened is simply making room for a new and better experience to come into your Life. The “reason” may not become known for many weeks, months or even several years, but one day, it will all make sense and you may even be grateful that your divorce happened. 我认为离婚就是一个“破坏者”，原本就是为了让我们质疑自己是否处于正确的道路。离婚是非常个性化的旅程，只能由你自己定义或理解，也是一段艰难的旅程。但是它也会带来一些意料之中的好处。我甚至敢说会带来一些幸福感。在生活中，要计算自己的幸福而不是问题，这非常重要。发生在我们身上的一切都是有原因的。一切都是为了给生活中全新的更好的经历让步。或许很多个星期，很多个月甚至很多年的时间你都不知道是什么原因，但是总有一天，一切都豁然开朗，你甚至会感激你的离婚。 |
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