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That Loving Feeling Takes a Lot of Work When people fall in love and decide to marry, the expectation is nearly always that love and marriage and the happiness they bring will last; as the vows say, till death do us part. Only the most cynical among us would think, walking down the aisle, that if things don't work out, "We can always split." 在人们坠入爱河、决定结婚的时候，他们总是希望自己的爱情、婚姻和幸福能够天长地久；像结婚誓言说的那样，直到死亡将我们分离。在新人携手步入婚姻殿堂时，只有最愤世嫉俗的人才会想到，生活中难免事与愿违，“我们总会分道扬镳”。 But the divorce rate in the United States is half the marriage rate, and that does not bode well for this cherished institution. 然而，美国人的离婚率是结婚率的一半，对于人们珍视的婚姻制度来说，这并不是个好兆头。 While some divorces are clearly justified by physical or emotional abuse, intolerable infidelity, addictive behavior or irreconcilable incompatibility, experts say many severed marriages seem to have just withered and died from a lack of effort to keep the embers of love alive. 尽管有些人离婚有非常正当的理由，比如身体和精神上的虐待，难以忍受的婚外情，成瘾行为或者不可调和的矛盾，但是专家表示，许多破裂的婚姻似乎只是源于感情的减弱和消亡，因为夫妻双方没有努力保留爱情火焰的余烬。 I say "embers" because the flame of love - the feelings that prompt people to forget all their troubles and fly down the street with wings on their feet - does not last very long, and cannot if lovers are ever to get anything done. The passion ignited by a new love inevitably cools and must mature into the caring, compassion and companionship that can sustain a long-lasting relationship. 我用“余烬”这个词，是因为爱情的火焰——这种感情促使人们忘记所有的烦恼，如同脚生双翼，在大街上飞奔——并不会持续很久，即使情侣们竭尽全力也不会长久。新恋情点燃的热情不免会冷却，必须逐渐转化成对彼此的关心、同情和友谊，双方才能维持长久的关系。 Studies by Richard E. Lucas and colleagues at Michigan State University have shown that the happiness boost that occurs with marriage lasts only about two years, after which people revert to their former levels of happiness - or unhappiness. 理查德·卢卡斯(Richard E. Lucas)和他在密歇根州立大学(Michigan State University)的同事进行的研究表明，通过婚姻提升的幸福感只能持续大约两年的时间，此后人们会恢复到原来的幸福水平——或者再次感受到不幸福。 Infatuation and passion have even shorter life spans, and must evolve into "companionate love, composed more of deep affection, connection and liking," according to Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside. 加州大学河滨分校(University of California, Riverside)的心理学教授索尼娅·柳博米尔斯基(Sonja Lyubomirsky)表示，迷恋与热情持续的时间甚至更短，必须转化成“伴侣之爱，包括更多深厚的亲情、友情和喜爱”。 In her new book, "The Myths of Happiness," Dr. Lyubomirsky describes a slew of research-tested actions and words that can do wonders to keep love alive. 在她的新书《幸福的神话》(The Myths of Happiness)中，柳博米尔斯基博士描述了一系列经过研究验证的行为和言语，能够为人们创造保持爱情活力的奇迹。 She points out that the natural human tendency to become "habituated" to positive circumstances - to get so used to things that make us feel good that they no longer do - can be the death knell of marital happiness. Psychologists call it "hedonic adaptation": things that thrill us tend to be short-lived. 她指出，人类天生就有“适应”积极环境的倾向——习惯于那些让我们感觉良好、前所未有的事物——这可能成为幸福婚姻的丧钟。心理学家称其为“享乐适应”：这些刺激我们的快感往往是短暂的。 So Dr. Lyubomirsky's first suggestion is to adopt measures to avert, or at least slow down, the habituation that can lead to boredom and marital dissatisfaction. While her methods may seem obvious, many married couples forget to put them into practice. 因此，柳博米尔斯基的第一条建议是，采取措施避免或者至少缓解享乐适应的影响，这会导致人们产生厌倦，对婚姻不满。尽管她的方法也许看起来浅显易懂，但是许多已婚夫妇忘记将其付诸实践。 Building Companionship 构建伴侣关系 Steps to slow, prevent or counteract hedonic adaptation and rescue a so-so marriage should be taken long before the union is in trouble, Dr. Lyubomirsky urges. Her recommended strategies include making time to be together and talk, truly listening to each other, and expressing admiration and affection. 柳博米尔斯基博士呼吁，夫妻双方应该在遇到麻烦之前，采取措施来缓解、防止或抵消“享乐适应”的影响，挽救平淡的婚姻。她推荐的策略包括抽出时间一起聊天，真诚地倾听彼此的想法，向对方表达赞美和爱慕。 Dr. Lyubomirsky emphasizes "the importance of appreciation": count your blessings and resist taking a spouse for granted. Routinely remind yourself and your partner of what you appreciate about the person and the marriage. 柳博米尔斯基博士强调“赞赏的重要性”：珍惜你获得的幸福，不要想当然地对待你的配偶。经常提醒自己和你的伴侣，你多么赞赏对方和这段婚姻。 Also important is variety, which is innately stimulating and rewarding and "critical if we want to stave off adaptation," the psychologist writes. Mix things up, be spontaneous, change how you do things with your partner to keep your relationship "fresh, meaningful and positive." 变化也同样重要，这是内在的刺激和奖励，心理学家写道，“如果我们想避免享乐适应，变化显得至关重要”。心血来潮地换个新花样，改变你和伴侣相处的方式，让你们的关系保持“新鲜感，充满意义和积极性”。 Novelty is a powerful aphrodisiac that can also enhance the pleasures of marital sex. But Dr. Lyubomirsky admits that "science has uncovered precious little about how to sustain passionate love." She likens its decline to growing up or growing old, "simply part of being human." 新鲜感是强有力的兴奋剂，也能增加夫妻性生活的情趣。不过柳博米尔斯基也承认，“科学发现保持激情之爱的方法乏善可陈。”她把激情的衰退与人类的成长和衰老联系起来，“这仅仅是人性的一部分。” Variety goes hand in hand with another tip: surprise. With time, partners tend to get to know each other all too well, and they can fall into routines that become stultifying. Shake it up. Try new activities, new places, new friends. Learn new skills together. 除了变化，我们还有另一个小窍门：制造惊喜。随着时间的流逝，伴侣通常对彼此过为熟悉，陷入单调乏味的日常生活。他们应该振作精神，尝试新的活动，游览新的地方，结识新的朋友，共同学习新的技能。 Although I've been a "water bug" my whole life, my husband could swim only as far as he could hold his breath. We were able to enjoy the water together when we both learned to kayak. 尽管我差不多一生都是“游泳健将”，可是我丈夫只能游到屏不住呼吸为止。当我们两人学习皮划艇时，我们能够一起享受水上运动的乐趣。 "A pat on the back, a squeeze of the hand, a hug, an arm around the shoulder - the science of touch suggests that it can save a so-so marriage," Dr. Lyubomirsky writes. "Introducing more (nonsexual) touching and affection on a daily basis will go a long way in rekindling the warmth and tenderness." 柳博米尔斯基博士写道，“拍拍后背，握紧对方的手，轻轻的拥抱，搂住肩膀——科学表明肢体接触能够挽救平淡的婚姻。”更多的无性爱身体接触和每天的情感交流，将有助于人们重新感到温暖，心中充满柔情。 She suggests "increasing the amount of physical contact in your relationship by a set amount each week" within the comfort level of the spouses' personalities, backgrounds and openness to nonsexual touch. 她建议：“在你们的婚姻关系中，增加身体接触的次数，要将每周增加的接触次数”控制在舒适的范围内，而这个范围要根据配偶的个性、背景以及对无性爱接触的接受程度来决定。 Positive Energy 正能量 A long-married friend recently told me that her husband said he missed being touched and hugged. And she wondered what the two of them would talk about when they became empty-nesters. Now is the time, dear friend, to work on a more mutually rewarding relationship if you want your marriage to last. 有位已婚多年的朋友最近告诉我，她的丈夫说自己怀念过去被抚摸和拥抱的感觉。而她不知道在他们成为空巢老人后，两个人有什么话可说。亲爱的读者，如果你希望自己的婚姻天长地久，为了建立更加互惠互利的夫妻关系，现在是时候采取行动了。 Support your partner's values, goals and dreams, and greet his or her good news with interest and delight. My husband's passion lay in writing for the musical theater. When his day job moved to a different city, I suggested that rather than looking for a new one, he pursue his dream. It never became monetarily rewarding, but his vocation fulfilled him and thrilled me. He left a legacy of marvelous lyrics for more than a dozen shows. 支持你伴侣的价值观、目标和梦想，对他（或她）带来的好消息充满兴趣和喜悦。我丈夫的热情在于为音乐剧写剧本。每当他的日常工作转移到其他城市，我都会建议他追求自己的梦想，而不是劝他找份新的工作。他的工作永远不会带来丰厚的金钱回报，但是这份职业让他感到满足，让我激动不已。他为十几部音乐剧创作了许多美妙无比的歌词。 Even a marriage that has been marred by negative, angry or hurtful remarks can often be rescued by filling the home with words and actions that elicit positive emotions, psychology research has shown. 心理学研究表明，即使婚姻受到负面的、愤怒的或者刺耳的话语的伤害，通常也能在家里运用丰富的言语和行动，产生积极的情绪，对此进行补救。 According to studies by Barbara L. Fredrickson, a social psychologist and professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, a flourishing relationship needs three times as many positive emotions as negative ones. In her forthcoming book, "Love 2.0," Dr. Fredrickson says that cultivating positive energy everyday "motivates us to reach out for a hug more often or share and inspiring or silly idea or image." 北卡罗莱纳大学教堂山分校(University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill)的社会心理学家、教授芭芭拉·弗雷德里克森(Barbara L. Fredrickson)的研究显示，维护欣欣向荣的人际关系，表达积极情绪和消极情绪的比例需要达到3:1。在她即将出版的新书《爱情2.0》(Love 2.0)中，弗雷德里克森博士表示，每天培养正能量会“促使我们比平常更加愿意去拥抱，去与对方交流想法，或者是讨论滑稽的想法，传看逗趣的图片。” Dr. Lyubomirsky reports that happily married couples average five positive verbal and emotional expressions toward one another for every negative expression, but "very unhappy couples display ratios of less than one to one." 柳博米尔斯基博士表示，婚姻幸福的夫妻平均每表达5次积极的话语和情绪，才表达1次消极情绪，然而“婚姻不幸的夫妻表达两种情绪的比例小于1:1。” To help get your relationship on a happier track, the psychologist suggests keeping a diary of positive and negative events that occur between you and your partner, and striving to increase the ratio of positive to negative. 为了让你们的关系步入更加幸福的轨道，心理学家建议你每天写下自己和伴侣之间积极和消极的表达，努力提高积极情绪对消极情绪的比例。 She suggests asking yourself each morning, "What can I do for five minutes today to make my partner's life better?" The simplest acts, like sharing an amusing event, smiling, or being playful, can enhance marital happiness. 她建议你每天早上扪心自问，“在今天，我能不能用五分钟时间做些什么，让我的伴侣感到生活更美好？”最简单的行为，比如分享有趣的事情、面带微笑或者幽默逗趣，都能增加婚姻的幸福感。 |
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