Short Funny Quotes

This collection of short funny quotes will pep up your mood and brighten up your spirit, and is bound to have you in splits! For those who love to keep a collection of funny sayings, these quotes could be handy when you want to cheer someone up or simply have a good laugh!

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. - Anonymous

I'm not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton

Thank God I'm an atheist. - Anonymous

Avoid hangovers: stay drunk. - Anonymous

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. - Jerry Seinfeld

An egotist is someone who is usually me - deep in conversation. - Anonymous

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. - Anonymous

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep. - Jim Loy

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. - Anonymous

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. - W. C. Fields

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch. - Anonymous

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

The four most important words in any marriage...I'll do the dishes. - Anonymous

If at first you don't succeed, order pizza. - Anonymous

Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours. - Anonymous

A closed mouth gathers no foot. - Anonymous

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. - Albert Einstein

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Anonymous

The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. - Jackie Collins

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. - Paul Ehrlich

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. - Anonymous

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. - Author Unknown

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

Constipated People Don't Give a crap. - Anonymous

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. - Dick Cavett

We are all either fools or undiscovered geniuses. - Bonnie Lin

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. - Anonymous

Constant change is here to stay. - Anonymous

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. - Anonymous

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. - John Peers.

If you can't answer a man's argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names. - Elbert Hubbard

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else. - Ann Landers

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle

Laughter is the best medicine; as it is scientifically proven to have beneficial effects on our health. You can also use these quotes to give your loved ones a dose of this funny medicine.