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*
"There's
nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure"
- Jack E. Leonard
* "If you don't get everything you
want, think of the things you don't get, that you don't want"
- Oscar Wilde
*"If
two wrongs don't make a right, try three"
-
Laurence J. Peter
*"I'm so clever that sometimes
I don't understand a word that I am saying"
- Oscar Wilde
*"I once bought my kids a set
of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included
- Bernard Manning
*"If you die in an elevator,
be sure to push the Up button" -
Sam Levenson
*“Me? I’m dishonest, and
a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s
the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict
when they’re going to do something incredibly… stupid”
- Johnny Depp as Jack Sparro
*“We dance round in a ring
and suppose, but the secret sits in the middle and knows"
- Robert Frost
*“Everybody wants to be somebody;
nobody wants to grow” - Johann Wolfgang von
Goethe
*"Don't
cry for a man who's left you, the next one may fall for your smile"
- Mae West
*"If you don’t ask because
you might be refused, you’ve already refused yourself"
- Nisandeh Neta
*"Don't
accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful"
- Ann Landers
*"The most common way people
give up their power is by thinking they don't have any"
- Alice Walker
*"The past is a great place
and I don't want to erase it or to regret it, but I don't want to be its
prisoner either" - Mick Jagger
*"Why do you sit there looking
like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
*"I live in that solitude which
is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity"
- Albert
Einstein
*"People never lie so much
as after a hunt, during a war or before an election"
- Otto von Bismarck
*"Everyone has three lives:
a public life, a private life, and a secret life."
- Gabriel Marquez
*"I used to live in a room
full of mirrors; all I could see was me. I take my spirit and I crash
my mirrors,
now the whole world is here for me to see" -
Jimi Hendrix
*"I've had a perfectly wonderful
evening. But this wasn't it"
- Groucho Marx
*"Opportunity is missed by
most because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work"
- Thomas
Alva Edison
*"Before
marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold on to him. After marriage,
she
has to hold on to him
to make love to him" - Marilyn Monroe
*"To
be a flamboyant failure, that's better than being any kind of benign success"
- Malcolm McLaren
*"He is simply a shiver looking
for a spine to run up" - Paul Keating
*"I feel
so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here" -
Stephen Bishop
*"After marriage, husband and
wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other,
but still they stay together" - Hemant Joshi
*"He has Van Gogh's ear for
music" - Billy Wilder
*“For
flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and
cook.” - Quentin Crisp
*"Knowledge
is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."
- Peter Kaye
*"He is a self-made man and
worships his creator." -
John Bright
*"I didn't attend the funeral,
but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -
Mark Twain
*"Some cause happiness wherever
they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
*"At 50, a man can be an ass
without being an optimist but not an optimist without being an ass"
- Mark Twain
*"Thank you for sending me
a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it" -
Moses Hadas
* "I
have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure"
- Clarence Darrow
*"What is a committee? A group
of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary" -
Mark Twaine
*“I have great hopes that we
shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married
at all” - Lord Byron
*“The less people know about
how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night”
- Otto von Bismarck
*"I feel I have to protect
myself against things. So I'm pretty careful to lose most of them.”
- Orson Wells
*"When you start thinking of
pressure, it’s because you’ve started to think of failure.”-
Tommy Lasorda - US Baseball Manager
*"You
never know where to look when eating a banana. " -
Peter Kaye
* "I'm not going to vacuum
'til Sears makes one you can ride on" - Roseanne
Barr
*"I
become more convinced that beings from other planets are using the Earth
as a lunatic asylum" - George
Bernard Shaw
* "Be careful about reading
health books. You may die of a misprint." -
Mark Twain
*"If
they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something
out of you" - Muhammad Ali
*"Thanks,
you don't look so hot yourself."
- Yogi Berra after
being told he looked cool
*"Human beings are 70% water
and with some the rest is colagen" - Martin
Mull
*"Is
this chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says chicken of
the sea." - Jessica Simpson
*"I dress sexily - but not
in an obvious way. Sexy in a virginal way"
- Victoria
Beckham
*"No
object is so beautiful that, under
certain conditions, it will not look ugly"
- Oscar Wilde
*"Old age ain't no place for
sissies"
- Bette Davis
* "I refuse to think of them
as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows."
- Janette Barber
*"One
should not worry about the future, particularly if it hasn't happened
yet." - Mel Gibson
* "Modesty is the only good
quality I don't have." - Jordan W. Shipley
*"Wine is constant proof that
God loves us and loves to see us happy" - Benjamin
Franklin
* "There is only one thing
more painful than learning from experience and that is not learning from
experience." - Archibald MacLeish
*"Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?" - Frank
Scully
*"Dreaming permits each and
every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives"
- William Dement
* "Even if I knew that tomorrow
the world go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree"
- Martin Luther
*"Human
beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the
experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination
to do so". - Douglas Adams
*"I
want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a
millionaire?" - Zsa Zsa Gabor
*"Better to write for yourself
and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self".
- Cyril Connolly
*"I never came upon any of
my discoveries through the process of rational thinking."
- Albert Einstein
*"The intelligent man finds
almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
*"A psychiatrist asks a lot
of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing."
- Joey Adams
*"When women are depressed
they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country".
- Elayne Boosler
*"Patience is the companion
of wisdom" - St. Augustine
*"No man is rich enough to
buy back his past." - Oscar Wilde
*"By the time a man is wise
enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere." -
Billy Crystal
*"Bigamy is having one wife
too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde
*"Anger
is a weed; hate is a tree" - St. Augustine
*"A bit of lusting after someone
does wonders for the skin." - Elizabeth Hurley
*"You're not drunk if you can
lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean
Martin
*"There
are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly
in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
- Lynn Lavner
*"Some will never learn anything
because they understand everything too soon." -
Thomas Blount
*"We've got a nation of people
who have one eye looking out for the next speed camera, another looking
for a speed limit sign and another looking at the speedometer - which
is a bit of a shame, when you only have two eyes." -
Paul Smith, head of a uk group opposing speed cameras
* "A bargain is something you
can't use at a price you can't resist." - Franklin
Jones
*"Intelligence
without ambition is a bird without wings" -
Salvador Dali
*"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often
we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has
opened for us" - Author: Helen Keller
*"Sex at age 90 is like trying
to shoot pool with a rope." - Camille Paglia
*"There are two types of people
in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to
enjoy the waking hours much more." - Woody
Allen
* "God created the poet, then
took a handful of the rubbish that was left and made three critics."
- T.J. Thomas
*"The significant problems
we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when
we created them." - Albert Einstein
*"I never forget a face, but
in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." -
Groucho Marx
*"If life was fair, Elvis would
be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
- Johnny Carson
*"The true republic: men, their
rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less." -
Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906)
* "When the sun comes up, I
have morals again" - Elayne Boosler
*"The secret of staying young
is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age" -
Lucille Ball
*"Speak
when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret"
- Lawrence J. Peter
*"There is more to life than
increasing its speed." - Gandhi
*"It
isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married"-
George Burns
*"A time will come when men
will stretch out their eyes. They should see planets like our Earth"
- Christopher Wren
*"Always forgive your enemies,
but never forget their names." - R. Kennedy
*"My mother never saw the irony
in calling me a son-of-a-bitch" - Jack Nicholson
*"A life spent making mistakes
is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing"
- George Bernard Shaw
*"Message? What the hell do
you think I am, a bloody postman?" - Brendan Behan, when
asked what was the message in one of his plays
*"Choose a job you like and
you will never have to work a day of your life - Confucius
*"Friendship is constant in
all other things, Save in the office and affairs of love"
- William Shakespeare
*"I'm a great housekeeper.
I get divorced. I keep the house."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
*"We have 40 million reasons
for failure but not a single excuse" - Rudyard
Kipling
*"Keeping your clothes well
pressed, will keep you from looking hard pressed" -
Coleman Cox
*"If you can laugh at it, you
can live with it." -
Erma Bombeck
* "Dignity does not consist
in possessing honors, but in deserving them" -
Aristotle
*"The first man to compare
the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first
to repeat it was possibly an idiot" - Salvador
Dali
*"Bisexuality immediately doubles
your chances for a date on a Saturday night."
- Woody Allen
*"When you are down and out,
something always turns up - usually the noses of your friends."
- Orson Welles
*" Life isn't about finding
yourself. Life is about creating yourself"
- George Bernard Shaw
*" I don't excercise. If God
had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor"
- Joan Rivers
* "I think of life itself now
as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is
to have the utmost fun playing my part".
- Shirley MacLaine
*"Cyling has done more to emancipate
women than anything else in the world"
- Susan Anthony
*"At fifty everyone has the
face they deserve"
- George Orwell
*"All
dogs look up to you. All cats look down on you. Only the pig looks at
you as an equal"
. . . Sir Winston Churchill
*"You never lose by loving.
You always lose by holding back"
- Barbara DeAngelis
*"Income tax has made more
liars out of the American people than golf - Will
Rogers
*"Between thought and expression
lies a lifetime."
- Lou Reed
*
"Men show their characters in nothing more clearly than in
what they think laughable" - Johann
Wolfgang von Goethe
*"There is only one difference
between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad"
- Salvador Dali
*"The
statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering
from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If
they are okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown
*"A man who views the world
the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life"
- Muhammad
Ali
*" Keeping your clothes well
pressed will keep you from looking hard pressed" -
Coleman Cox
*"Life is a tragedy when seen
in close-up but a comedy in long shot ".
- Charlie Chaplin
*"When women go wrong, men
go straight after them -
Mae West
*"Instead
of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give
her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard
* "When I'm good I'm very,
very good, but when I'm bad I'm better."
- Mae West
*"If you cannot get rid of
the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."
- George Bernard Shaw
*"When it comes to cars, only
two varieties of people are possible - cowards and fools."
- Russell Baker
*"God gave men a brain and
a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time. -
Robin Williams
*" Never chase a lie. Let it
alone, and it will run itself to death. - Lyman
Beecher
*"Pressure
makes diamonds." - General George Patton
*"Having one child makes you
a parent; having two you are a referee "
- David Frost
*"Watch your thoughts; they
become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions;
they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your
character; it becomes your destiny."
- Frank Outlaw
*"He
that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else."
- Benjamin Franklin
*"There are three ingredients
to the good life; learning, earning, and yearning." -
Christopher Morley
* "Always
be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your
rest home. - Phyllis Diller
*"What a man misses mostly
in heaven is company. - Mark Twain
*" Nothing
shows a man's character more than what he laughs at". -
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
*"You can fool some of the
people some of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you
can't fool all of the people all of the time. -
Abraham Lincoln
*"People ask me
what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I'll
tell you: a paternity suit". - George
Burns
*" The only difference between
doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob
you and kill you, too. - Anton Chekhov
*" When a man steals your wife
there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
- Sacha Guitry
*"What we see
depends mainly on what we look for" - John
Lubbock
*" In the end, we will remember
not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
- Martin Luther King Jr.
*"Men are born
with two eyes, but with one tongue, in order that they should see twice
as much as they say". - Charles Caleb
Colton
*" The grim fact is that we
prepare for war like precocious giants, and for peace like retarded pygmies".
~ Lester Bowles Pearson
*"If a man would
follow, today, the teachings of the Old Testament, he would be a criminal.
If he would follow the teachings of the new, he would be insane."
- Robert Green Ingersoll
*" Men in general are quick
to believe that which they wish to be true".
- Julius Caesar
*"My
advice to you concerning applause is this: enjoy it but never quite believe
it". - Robert Montgomery
*"It
is a statistical fact that the wicked work harder to reach hell than the
righteous do to enter heaven". - Josh Billings
*" You can fool some of the
people some of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you
can't fool all of the people all of the time". -
Abraham Lincoln
*"A
graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults."
- Louis Nizer
*"
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."
- Albert Einstein
*"Religion
is for people who fear hell, spirituality is for people who have been
there." - David Bowie
*A
man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it."
- Israel Zangwill
*"
Good executives never put off until tomorrow what they can get someone
else to do today"
- Dr. John C Maxwell
*"Only
Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat" - Alex Levine
*My
grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who
do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in
the first group; there was much less competition."
- Mohandas Gandhi
*"A
lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns."
- Mario Puzo
*"Always
do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your
mouth shut." - Ernest Hemingway
*"No
one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
*Bessie
Braddock (to Winston Churchill): "Winston, you're drunk."
Churchill: "Bessie, you're ugly. But
tomorrow I shall be sober."
*Nancy
Astor (to Winston Churchill): "If I were your wife I would
put poison in your coffee!"
Churchill: "And if I were your husband
I would drink it."
*"If you really dig a chick,
you should talk to her, not steal her picture." -
Mike Nesmith (The Monkees)
*"At
a dinner party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but
not too wisely" - W Somerset Maughan
*"Seeking
to know is too often learning to doubt" - Antoinette
Deshoulieres
*"I
mistrust the judgment of every man in a case in which his own wished are
concerned" - Duke of Wellington
*"I
just love Chinese food. My favourite dish is number 27" -
Clement Atlee
*"Money
is a good servant, but a poor master" - Dominique
Bouhours
*"An
Eye for an Eye, and the world would soon be blind". -
M. K. Ghandi
*"Hell
is full of musical amateurs". - George
Bernard Shaw
*"Some
will never learn anything because they understand everything too soon".
- Thomas Blount
*"Daring
ideas are like chessmen moved forward; they may be beaten , but they may
start a winning game." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
*"Death
is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate."
- Ambrose Bierce.
*You can fool
some of the people some of the time and all of the people some of the
time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. - Abraham
Lincoln
*You can discover
more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
- Plato
*The
first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you -
Charles Dickens
*What we see
depends mainly on what we look for - John Lubbock
*Great spirits
have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds. - Albert
Einstein
*The
secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started
is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks,
and then starting on the first one. - Mark
Twain
*He
that never changes his opinion, never corrects his mistakes, will never
be wiser on the morrow that he is today. - Tyron
Edwards
*Judge
a man by his questions rather than his answers.
- Voltaire
*It
should be possible to explain the laws of physics to a barmaid. -
Albert Einstein
*Seriousness
is the only refuge for the shallow - Oscar
Wilde
*A verbal
contract isn't worth the paper it is written on
- Sam Goldwyn
*Winning
is not everything. It's the only thing. -
Author: Vince Lombardi
*"I
hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
*Whether
you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right
- Henry Ford
*Nothing
can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal;
nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.
- Thomas Jefferson
*Arguing
with a fool proves there are two. - Doris
M. Smith
*A
time will come when men will stretch out their eyes. They should see planets
like our Earth. - Christopher Wren
*
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery - Spike Milligan
*Patience
is not a virtue, it is a waste of time.
- Damon Conlan,
*The
hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff
- Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
*I
drink therefore I am - W.C. Fields
*He
who can does - he who cannot, teaches. -
George Bernard Shaw
*I
feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and
that's the best they are going to feel all day
- Frank Sinatra
*You
just pick up a chord, go twang, and you've got music. -
Sid Vicious [Sex Pistols]
*Youth
would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life
- Herbert Henry Asquith
*My
formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil
- Paul Getty
*My
luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol
*It
takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember
if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
- George Burns
*"Two
things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; I'm not sure about
the universe." - Albert Einstein
DUMB
QUOTES .
. JUST A THOUGHT
. . CHAT-UP
LINES