许多同学在英文写作时总是两眼一抓瞎,被“能、好、怎”三座大山压在头上——能这么写吗?这样的表达方式到底好不好?怎么才能通过优美流畅的语句体现出自己的优势?今天我们就来谈一谈这个问题。 原文作者: Andrew Daum 毕业于牛津大学,而后获得律师执业资格,在世界知名律所Simmons & Simmons伦敦和香港分所工作多年;2012年成为留学申请专家平台 MyDocumate.com的联合创始人。 学生原文: 仅做了语言修改的版本: 虽然这个版本还算不错啦,但远没有达到理想效果,这是为什么呢?! 首先,上面这段开头完全没有展现出作者的自信,反而隐隐透露出小弱需要外界扶持的即视感!其次,这段文字虽然表明了作者对于从事社会工作的诚心,但没有讲清楚这个诚心到底是什么。所以,仅做了语言修改的开头完全没有达到理想的效果。 (原文by Andy:It does not show confidence. It implies a need for support. It asserts and explains a commitment to social work but it does not DEMONSTRATE that commitment.) 那么问题来了,到底应该如何打造理想开头呢?先让我们来看一下原文前两段: 开头两端文字中包含很多素材,黄色高亮部分为有效素材,我们要做的是提取这些素材并进行整合和总结!整合了这些素材的开头,会给你意想不到的效果! (原文by Andy:Look at the first two paragraphs of the original. There are elements here from which we can construct a really effective opening paragraph.) 下面是经过素材整合的终极版本,见证奇迹的时刻到了! 有人要问了,这个终极版本到底是好在哪里呢?让我们好好说道说道。 首先,它明确表明了作者朝着申请专业的方向做出了实实在在的努力。从这些努力中,招生官立马就能感知到作者是严肃对待自己的追求,而非儿戏;同时暗示了招生官,我还有很多经历,请往下看! (原文by Andy:It tells the reader that the candidate has actually done something in pursuit of their interests. They immediately know this person is serious; It alludes to further experiences which make the reader want to continue reading.) 再看高亮部分,HIV是一个很能激起读者情绪的话题,然而作者竟然在另一个陌生的国度从事了HIV相关的社会工作,足见作者的成熟和勇气! (原文by Andy:HIV is a particularly emotive subject; the candidate’s rapid and unflinching engagement with the issue (in another country and far from her comfort zone!) shows great maturity and bravery.) 其次,该段开头有具体的地点和事件描述,让整段文字更真实,凸显了作者独一无二的经历和个人性格,这样更能打动招生官!(该点见下图黄色高亮部分) (原文by Andy:It attempts some sense of narrative and place, which renders it personal, unique, touching and authentic.) 再看: 请注意黄色高亮部分,该句点明作者已经为申请专业做出努力,并且表明作者的决心:为了自己的选择,未来可以做出更多努力。 (原文by Andy:It implies not only that this person is engaged with their intended profession but also suggests that they would make good contributions because they have valid opinions that that they can back up.) 最后, 黄色高亮部分提到了具体学校名称,这就使得文书更具体,更有个人特点,并且给整个开头带来了一个强有力的总结。不仅保留了原文原意,更是整理了逻辑,充实了细节,表明了决心,让文书开头变得有血有肉。 (原文by Andy:It mentions the school, which personalises the application and helps to ensure that the paragraph provides a solid summary.It retains the sincerity of the original opening paragraph, but it does so much more besides!) ▌最后的最后,大家写作时总担心写不出精彩的开头,的确,好的开头非常重要。在此有一些小经验分享给大家: 不要总想着写完美的句子。这样会没法下笔! 抱着娱乐的心态,不断尝试用不同的方法展示自己,直到找到最合适的那一种! 用上本文展示的方法:先写文书主体,然后从主体内容中找到那个完美的开头! (原文by Andy:Many people get hung up on producing an exciting opening. And yes, it is important. SOME IDEAS ON HOW TO ACHIEVE IT: · Don’t spend ages trying to come up with a perfect first line. · Experiment with presenting yourself in different ways. · Be playful in your experiments before you settle on one approach. · Take the approach we’ve just demonstrated! - Just write the body of your essay first and then find the perfect opening inside your essay. ) |
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