KW_《课程》如何看待离开一段关系？

问：

    前阵子我将一段特殊关系（友谊）交托给圣灵，且已经尽了自己最大的努力，依照《课程》的教诲来处理接踵而至的问题。此外，我最近发现我的朋友有习惯性说谎的严重问题。他小时候曾严重地受虐，而至今我都这么认为：若有人能为他示现无条件的爱，他也许就能够认识上主的圣爱，并且知道他也配获得爱与宽恕。但似乎我给他愈多的爱和宽恕，他就变得更糟糕，愈是对我百般地刁难，好让我离他远一点，并证明这个世界及世人就像他所认为的那样可怕。我开始觉得自己承担了一个非我能力所及的任务，或许我应该将这个任务连同这段关系一起放下。不晓得《课程》有没有任何建议能帮我度过这个难关？

答：

    《课程》不会告诉你该离开或维持这段关系。它所教的是，在你作决定之前，要先觉察到自己的心是处在平安或冲突的状态，以及自己是否对离开或留下有任何的投注或期待。你的朋友可能因为认识并接受无条件的爱而获得帮助，这固然没错；其实对于不管处在何种情感与心理状态的我们，都同样有帮助。但如果你可以专注在自己的心灵上头，将会获得最大的帮助，这在某种程度上意味着你要放下“你的朋友会接受你的帮助”的预期心态。现在他大概还没准备好往前走一步，你也无从得知他何时才会准备好。所以，你只要尽力让自己的小我退让下来，以便在你正念中的爱能在那一刻引领你的思维。你似乎已经试着这样做了，但你也好像跳过了一些步骤。固然惯性说谎的最终目的是“呼求帮助”没错，但这并不表示你就该容忍那样的行为。这情况反映出《课程》所讲的形式与内涵的区别，也就是要看出行为与心灵内涵的不同之处。因此，正如我们经常答复的，仁慈和宽恕（内涵）并不会排除坚定和纪律：你可以在充满爱心与平安的心境下，同时坚持可接受的行为准则。当你放下小我的那一刻，你就是活在正念中，那时你会自然而然地做出对你们俩都最有爱心的事，即使你一时看不出来。

 

选自／奇迹课程基金会问答服务

翻译／琢光

校译／Clare

润饰／妍蓁

 

Q #701: I gave my special relationship -- a friendship -- over to the Holy Spirit a while ago, and have been dealing with problems as they have been developing as best I can according to A Course in Miracles. I recently discovered that my friend also has a severe problem with compulsive lying. This man was severely abused as a child, and I had felt, up until now, that given someone who would/could show him unconditional love, maybe he could come to know the Love of God, and learn that love and forgiveness really could exist for him. It seems that the more loving and forgiving I am to him, the worse he becomes and the more and harder he tests in order to make me go away and prove that the world and everyone in it is as horrible as he believes it to be. I'm beginning to feel that I have taken on a task that is beyond me, and that maybe I should leave the relationship all together. Does the Course have any suggestions as to how I might handle this predicament?

 

A: There is nothing in the Course that would tell you to leave the relationship or to stay. What it teaches is that before you make a decision you become aware of whether you are in a state of peace or conflict and whether you have any investment in either staying or leaving. It is true that your friend could be helped by recognizing and accepting unconditional love; that is true of all us, whatever our emotional/psychological state might be. But you can be most helpful by focusing on your own mind, which means, in part, letting go of any investment you might have in your friend accepting your help. Perhaps he is not ready to take this step right now -- there is no way of your knowing. Therefore, just set your ego aside as best you can for an instant and allow the love in your right mind to direct your thinking. It seems as if you have tried to do this; but it also seems as if you may have skipped some steps. Yes, compulsive lying is ultimately a "cry for help"; but that does not mean it should be tolerated. This reflects the Course distinction between form and content: the distinction between behavior and the content in the mind. Thus, as we have often said in our answers, being kind and forgiving (the content) does not preclude firmness and discipline: you can be loving and peaceful while at the same time holding firmly to standards of acceptable behavior. When you are in your right mind, having set aside your ego for an instant, you will automatically do what is most loving to you and your friend, even if that is not apparent at the moment.