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Self-compassion Principle 4. Develop an inner loving-but-firm voice （这部分是我感触最深的一部分） As an emotionally neglected person, you didn’t get the advantage of internalizing a loving-but-firm voice from your parents. While other kid’s parents were saying, “It’s OK, let’s figure out what to do so that you’ll do better next time,” you were scrambling for yourself. You were, in the absence of helpful parental input, saying to yourself either the too harsh “You idiot” or the letting-yourself-off-the-hook, “I’m not going to think about this.” With the former, you’re feeding self-anger and draining off your energy; with the latter, you’re setting yourself up to make the same mistake again. Either way, you lose. A helpful, positive loving-but-firming voice will seem like a dialogue, in that you are questioning yourself, making yourself think, in a nonjudgmental way, about what wrong and how to prevent it from happening again in the future. Here’s an example of what your voice might say to you if you forgot to fill up the car and ran out of gas on the freeway on the way home from work. “How did this happen? You were going to stop and fill up after running errands at lunch today!” “Well, let’s see, why didn’t I stop and fill up after lunch today?” “Oh, yes, I was running later. I barely make it back for my 1 o’clock meeting because there was such a huge line at the Department of Motor Vehicles.” “Those were really circumstances out of my control. How can I make sure this doesn’t happen again?” “Never plan gas fill-up for lunch time. There’s not enough flexibility in that one hour to make sure it will be done.” “From now on I’ll make sure I gas up either during the morning driving to work or on my way home so I won’t be set up to forget again.” Notice how this loving-but-firm voice isn’t too easy on you but neither is it self-destructively tough. The voice takes four key steps. It: 1. holds you accounable for your mistake without jumping to judgment or blame 2. helps you think through which part of the mistake is your fault and what part is due to other people or circumstances 3. determines what to do differently to prevent this error from happening again in the future 4. helps you realize that you’ve learned something important from this mistake and lets you put it behind you These steps are all productive and useful. They’re the means to an end. They will help make your life better without doing damage to your self-esteem or your self-confidence. All of life is about learning, growing and becoming better. These three steps will do all of those things for you. Keep working on creating that loving-but-firm parental voice. Self-compassion Principle 5. Allow yourself to be human. Like having feelings, making mistakes is an essential part of being human. Both are non-negotiate conditions of humanity. Please know that there’s not a human being on earth who hasn’t had many, many feelings and made many, many mistakes. If you meet people who say otherwise, don’t listen to them; they’re full of nonsense (to put it kindly). Nodoubt working on all of these skills must seem a bit daunting. Having lived a childhood devoid of some of the most important components of emotional health and self-care leaves you with no choice but to re-parent yourself in your adulthhood. My solemn promise to you is that if you do this do this work of building yourself up, brick by brick, skill bt skill, step by step, you’ll reap the tremedous rewards. As you build up the pyramid of self-love, you’ll be climbing it too, until you reach the top and find that you have a level of kindness and calmness within yourself and for yourself that you never knew existed. And when you turn your powerful compassion upon yourself, you’ll be living with a new You. A You that’s loveable, fallible, imperfect, with strengths and weaknesses, wins and losses, sensitivity and reailience. A full and connected You. |
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来自： 昵称51439573 > 《待分类》
