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我一直坚信一句话 - ”人之初，性本懒”。我也一直认为，无论多优秀的人都愿意并一直愿意和自己熟悉、喜欢或依赖的人呆在一起。就像我们总说的那句话 - ”家是温暖的港湾”，亲人的庇护，爱人的疼爱，朋友的帮持，熟悉的生活和工作，总让本不平坦的人生变得温暖而实在。 这个描述听起来是不是很熟悉？这就是许多人不愿意走出的“安乐窝（舒适圈）”，这也直接导致许多人想要减肥，想要学吉他，想要考研。。。可就是没办法下决心着手去做，因为这通常意味着要做一些你不擅长、不习惯甚至不愿意做的事，也就是无法跳出你的舒适圈。那么，我们该怎样做才能突破心理障碍、真正迈出那关键的一步呢？今天一起来和英语演讲君听听美国畅销书作家Mel Robbins在TED上播放量超过1000万+的精彩演讲。 她叫梅尔·罗宾斯，近17年来我致力于帮助人们在合理的范围内得到他们想要的。无论在任何你能想到的地方,只要她在，将会“不择手段”帮助你得到你想要的。 有三分之一的美国人对他们的生活现状不满，在梅尔·罗宾斯新开的一档节目“姻亲（亲家）”里，也面对面的谈论到这个疯狂的话题。 节目里梅尔·罗宾斯和很多美国家庭同住，将一些正在和自己的姻亲开战的家庭安排在同一间屋子以打开潘多拉魔盒，然后我让他们不要再为了甜甜圈吵架，不要纠结谁应该准备感恩节大餐，而是谈谈真正的问题。 “首先我要你现在花一毫秒的时间想想一个自私的只考虑自己的你想要什么，而不是讲一些别人想听的。你想要什么？你想要减肥？想要让你的收入三级跳？想要开始一个非盈利事业？ 想要真爱？你只需要选择到底是什么，不要想破头去分析它。” 现在我们来谈谈怎样获得你想要的。 坦白讲，得到你想要的很简单，但请注意我不是说容易，是非常简单。比如想成立一个康复中心来帮助老年人，想去非洲建一所学校…。当你已经拥有所有你需要的信息和渠道，也许还有免费的网上工具能帮助你开启新的事业或者做任何你想做的事情的时候，为什么你还没有拥有你想要的呢？！ 一切都因为一个词“Fine”(很好),我不明白这个词的吸引力在哪里，当你用这个词的时候，听上去也没什么水准，况且它也没有表达你的真实感受。 “你怎么样”“我很好”真的么？拖着超出正常体重20斤的脂肪到处跑，你很好？和配偶在一起感觉像是和室友相处，你很好？四个月没有性生活，你很好？我不这么认为。 “你很好”的天才之处就是：如果你很好，你就不需要做任何改变。但是，当你告诉自己“很好”的时候，那些你想要的东西，对你来说也无关紧要了 科学家曾经计算过每个人被生下来的概率，在考虑了战争、自然灾害、恐龙和其他因素后，你被哪对父母生下来，你拥有什么样的DNA结构，计算结果是400兆分之一。所以，你不只是很好，你是极好的！ 每天，你会有源源不断的想法改变你的人生，改变世界，改变你的感觉，而你却什么都没做。 你今天早上做的第一个决定是什么，我敢打赌一定是睡回笼觉。每天你都在接触不同的人，经常会有些很棒的点子冒出来，然而，每当你有一个想法，你就会按下“贪睡按钮”！在人生中任何你想要改变的部分，你永远不会想要去做，动机也不会自己出现，必须有一种力量，让你对现在正在做的事情进行改变。 试试看，把你的闹钟调早30分钟，当闹钟响起，掀开你的棉被，把它们丢到一边，站起来，开始你的一天。没有贪睡，没有迟到！这么做需要一种活化能，就像减肥的人并不是真的想要节食，更不是想要吃水煮鸡和豆子而不是可颂。我认为你需要有一种活化能来让你的大屁股离开电脑，出去散步，离开你温暖的被窝，被推进一个寒冷的房间。 得到你想要的东西非常非常简单，但并不容易，你必须要强迫你自己。 我把大脑分成两部分，一边看成自动驾驶，另一边是紧急刹车，猜猜你的大脑比较喜欢哪一个？ 当然是自动驾驶。每次你做什么和你平常行程不一样的事情时，它的反应都会是紧急刹车。例如，你走进厨房看到每个人都把早餐的餐具留给你洗，你第100次想“我要把这些留在这里让他们来洗”。但那不是你平常会做的事，所以你的脑袋会紧急刹车！然后直接进入自动驾驶。 所以任何不是你平常会做的事都需要“强迫”。想想看你的人生，我们从小孩变成大人，接着我们花很多时间试着将我们的人生规划成一种固定的程式，然后我们渐渐对它感到无聊。 你每天同一个时间起床，吃一样的早餐，走一样的路去上班，在办公室开会，在纸上乱涂鸦做计划，再开车走同一条路回家，吃一样的晚餐，看同样的媒体节目，然后睡觉，隔天再重复做一样的事无聊到死。当你的人生受阻或者对它不满意，那是你其中一个基本的需求没有被满足的讯号，而不是你的人生没救了的讯号，固定的程式才是杀死你的东西。 你的一生中，细胞会增生，头发、指甲会生长，你的灵魂也需要探索和成长。能够让灵魂成长的唯一方法是强迫自己接受不舒服，强迫你自己走出去，必须离开你的舒适圈，当你强迫自己离开被窝的前3秒钟，感觉糟透了，但是一旦你起床了，一切都很美好。 还有一个“5秒钟法则”。如果你内心有小小的冲动在推动你，但是你没有在5秒内用一个行动和它做结合，你就会拉下紧急刹车然后扼杀它。 当乐团在演奏的时候，你可能有想站上来跳舞的冲动，但如果你在5秒内没有站起来，你就会拉下紧急刹车并且不会再上去。你的问题不是缺少想法，而是你扼杀了它们。 我要你们突破“5秒法则”：你看到某人，觉得他很有趣？那么走上前去；你被某人启发，想要提问？那么就开口问。你会被接下来发生的事情震惊。 如果有任何是我可以做的，能让你去做你不想做的事，能让你得到你想要的，我会去做。但是首先你必须要走过来，你必须张嘴做出请求。 梅尔罗宾斯毕业于波士顿大学法学专业，现在是三个孩子的母亲，也是位受过常春藤教育的刑事律师和美国顶尖的事业及婚姻专家之一。 她深得要领的建议和持之以恒的付出，罗宾斯的思考通过人们的欲望直击灵魂深处。她的方法聪明，有效和有趣。 每周五天，梅尔都会主持自己的电台节目“梅尔罗宾斯秀”，在节目里讨论热门话题，并向美国各地的来电听众给出建议。 2014年，她在格雷西奖上荣获“杰出新闻脱口秀主持人”。今年夏天A＆E播出了她新的节目 “姻亲”。此外，她还撰写了“成功”杂志的月刊，是CNBC的前投稿人，也是Living for Living，Inc.的共同创始人，该公司致力于与身心健康，人际关系和职业规划类的专家一起开发产品和电视节目。 2017年，罗宾斯出版了《五秒钟法则》，该书一经发售就成为了亚马逊最受欢迎的畅销书之一，此外，它还被翻译成近30多种语言在全世界各地发售。大多数夜晚，一旦孩子们躺上床，你会在发现梅尔在家中端着加冰的波本威士忌，伴着她脚下的澳大利亚牧羊犬，在她的获奖的博客上写下生命，爱情和其他一切。 《五秒钟法则》 梅尔罗宾斯在 2017 年 2 月出版了《五秒法则》，该书迅速成了风靡全美的畅销书 “五秒法则”核心在于在你需求出现的时候，倒数5秒，就会屏蔽掉你的感受，将你的需求和行动进行直接关联。 有学者研究认为，克服拖延症最好的方法之一，就是制造一个所谓的“发起仪式”。 当你开始拖延的时候，通过这个仪式，让你停止拖延的行为，重新夺回对自己的控制权。梅尔·罗宾的“五秒法则”，恰好印证了这个“发起仪式”，它会刺激你大脑负责行动和注意力的部分，以促使你做出行动。 罗宾斯后来还研究发现，这个“五秒法则”还刺激了大脑的活化能。 通常情况下，我们要改变自己的原有状态，所需要的启动能量会特别巨大。所以我们就会很难做出改变。罗宾斯在书里提到，对于平常工作和生活中的好习惯，我们应该刻意减少它们的活化能，对于那些坏习惯，应该刻意提高它们的活化能。 How to stop screwing yourself over? Bigger welcome! Hello, San Francisco! TEDx – oh my God, blinding light! Hi, everybody! How are you? Fine?! Oh my gosh! Okay, so… My name is Mel Robbins, and for the last 17 years, I have done nothing but help people get everything that they want. Within reason! My husband’s here. So, I’ve done it in the courtroom, in the boardroom, in the bedroom, in people’s living room, whatever room you want to be in, if I’m there, I will help you get whatever you want by any means necessary. For the last three years – I host a syndicated radio show. Five days a week, I go live in 40 cities and I talk to men and women across America who feel stuck. Do you know that a third of Americans feel dissatisfied with their lives right now? That is a 100 million people! That’s insane! And I’ve come face to face with it in this new show that I’m doing, which is also insane, it’s called “In-laws”. I move in with families across America – You guessed it! – who are at war with their in-laws. We move them into the same house, I verbally assassinate everybody, we open up Pandora’s box, and I get people to stop arguing about the donuts and who is hosting Thanksgiving dinner, and talk about the real stuff. And that’s what I want to talk to you about. I’m here for you. I’m going to tell you everything I know in less than 18 minutes about how to get what you want. So I want you to take a millisecond right now and think about what you want. You! And I want you to be selfish. Screw Simon and the “We” thing. This is about me, right now! Sorry, Simon. What do you want? And here’s the deal. I don’t want it to sound good to other people. Being healthy will not get your ass on a treadmill. Losing your manboobs, so you can hook up with somebody, now that’s motivation. So, I want to know: What do you want? Do you want to lose weight? Do you want to triple your income? Do you want to start a nonprofit? Do you want to find love? What is it? Get it, right here. You know what it is, don’t analyze it to death, just pick something. That’s part of the problem. You won’t pick. So, we’re going to be talking about how you get what you want. And frankly, getting what you want is simple. But notice I didn’t say it was easy. It’s very simple. In fact, if you think about it, we live in the most amazing moment in time. So that thing that you have up here, whatever it may be, you want to use healthy eating to cure your diabetes, you want to figure out how to take care of the elders and start a new hospice center, you want to move to Africa and build a school… Guess what? You can walk into a book store – right now! – and buy at least 10 books written by credentialed experts on how the hell you do it. You could Google it. And you could probably find at least, I don’t know – a thousand blogs documenting the step, by step, by step transformation that somebody else is already doing. You can find anybody online and cyber-stalk them! You can just walk in their footsteps – just use the science of drafting. Follow what everyone else has done, because somebody is already doing it! So why don’t you have what you want, when you have all the information that you need, you have the contacts that you need, there are probably free tools online that allow you to start a business, or join a group, or do whatever the heck you want? It all comes down to one word: F*©#. Shut the front door, you know what I’m talking about? The f-bomb. It’s everywhere. You hear it all the time. I honestly don’t understand what the appeal is of the word. I mean, you don’t sound smart when you say it. And it’s really not expressing how you really feel. It’s sort of a cheap shot to take. And of course you know I’m talking about the word “fine”. “How you doing?” “Oh, I’m fine.” Oh, really? You are? Dragging around those extra forty pounds, you’re fine? Feeling like roommates with your spouse, and you’re fine? You haven’t had sex in four months, you’re fine? Really? I don’t think so! But see, here’s the deal with saying that you’re fine: It’s actually genius. Because if you’re fine, you don’t have to do anything about it. But when you think about this word “fine”, it just makes me so angry. Here we are at a conference about being alive and you’re going to describe the experience of being alive as “fine”? What a flimsy and feeble word! If you’re crappy, say you’re crappy. If you’re amazing say you’re amazing. Tell the truth. And this not only goes for the social construct: “Oh, I don’t want to burden you with the fact that I hate my life”, or: “Hey, I’m amazing. But that would make you feel terrible.” The bigger issue – The bigger issue with “fine” is that you say it to yourself. That thing that you want, I guarantee you, you’ve convinced yourself that you’re fine not having it. That’s why you’re not pushing yourself. It’s the areas in your life where you’ve given up. Where you’ve said, “Oh, I’m fine. My mom’s never going to change, so I just can’t have that conversation.” “I’m fine. We’ve got to wait until the kids graduate, before we get divorced, so we’ll just sleep in separate bedrooms.” “I’m fine. I lost my job, I can barely pay my bills, but whatever – It’s hard to get a job.” One of the reasons why this word also just annoys me so much is, scientists have calculated – Oh yeah, I’m coming down! Scientists have calculated the odds of you being born. That’s right. They’ve crunched the numbers. I see you up there. They’ve crunched the numbers on you – Yeah, you guys standing up, you want to sit down for this. They’ve crunched the numbers on you being born. And they took into account all of the wars, and the natural disasters, and the dinosaurs, and everything else. And do you realize that the odds, the odds of you, yeah, right here, put your computer away, stand up for me, Doug! So the odds of Doug here, turn around, say “hi” to everybody – the odds of Doug being born at the moment in time he was born, to the parents you were born to, with the DNA structure that you have, one in four hundred trillion! Isn’t that amazing? Doug: I’m so lucky. Mel: Yes! You’re not fine, you’re fantastic! You have life-changing ideas for a reason, and it’s not to torture yourself. Thank you. Thank you, Doug. Christine was right when she said all of you could be on stage. Because all of you – we’re all in this category. One in four hundred trillion. All day long you have ideas that could change your life, that could change the world, that could change the way that you feel, and what do you do with them? Nothing. Hopefully I won’t moon you. You didn’t pay for that. And I want you to just think for a minute, because we all have – I love to use the analogy “the inner snooze button” – you have these amazing ideas that bubble up. You’ve been watching people all day and I guarantee you, like ping pong balls – bam-bam-bam and every time you have an idea, what do you do? – Hit the snooze! What’s the first decision you made this morning? I bet it was to go back to bed. “Yeah, first decision today, I’m one in four hundred trillion, I’m going to go back to sleep.” And I get it. Your bed is comfortable! It’s cosy, it’s warm. If you’re lucky, you’ve got somebody that you love next to you, or in my case, I’ve got my husband and my two kids and possibly the dog. And the reason why I’m bringing up this first decision that you made today, and the inner snooze alarm, is because in any area of your life that you want to change, any – there’s one fact that you need to know. Activation Energy This one: You are never going to feel like it. Ever. No one’s coming, motivation isn’t happening, you’re never going to feel like it. Scientists call it Activation Energy. That’s what they call the force required to get you to change from what you’re doing on autopilot to do something new. So try this test tomorrow. You think you’re so fancy, I know, you’re attending TED. Try this. Tomorrow morning, set your alarm for thirty minutes earlier. And then when it goes off, take those sheets, throw them off, and stand up and start your day. No snooze, no delay, no, “I’ll just wait here for five seconds because Mel’s not standing here” – Do it. And the reason why I want you to do it is because you will come face to face with the physical, and I mean physical force that’s required to change your behavior. Do you think that somebody who needs to lose weight ever feels like going on a diet? Of course not. You think they ever feel like eating boiled chicken and peas instead of a croissant? I don’t think so. The activation energy required to get your ass away from your computer and out the front door, to go on the walk, you said that you were going to go on, is the exact same amount of force that it takes you to push yourself out of a warm bed and into a cold room. What’s interesting about being an adult is that when you become eighteen, nobody tells you that it’s now going to be your job to parent yourself. And by “parent yourself”, I mean it’s your job to make yourself do the crap you don’t want to do, so you can be everything that you’re supposed to be. And you’re so damn busy waiting to feel like it. And you’re never going to. My son never feels like getting off his DS. That’s my job. Get off the damn DS! Kendall, clean up the Barbies! If you’re going to have a nude party in my bathroom, at least clean it up. God, chew with your mouth closed. We’re not a barn, for crying out loud. Alright, dinner is coming, get out of the pantry. As parents, and you were a kid, your parents make you do the things you don’t feel like doing. Because you won’t. Ever. Not now, not then, not ever! And even when you get good at something, you’ll figure out something else you don’t want to do. And then you’ll plato out, get bored, “I hate this job. Blah blah boring.” But will you look for a new one? No. You’ll just bitch about that one. It’s very, very simple to get what you want. But it’s not easy. You have to force yourself. And I mean force. And the reason why I use the word “force” – when Roz was up here and talking about the emotion tracking, and she had the picture of two sides of the brain – I look at the brain the exact same way. Only I describe one side of your brain as autopilot and the other side as emergency brake. That’s the only two speeds you get: autopilot, emergency brake. And guess which one your brain likes better: autopilot. You’ve had the experience where you’ve driven to work and you get there and you’re like, “Oh my God, I don’t remember ever driving here.” You weren’t drunk! That was your brain on autopilot. It was functioning just at this level. And the problem with your mind is that anytime you do anything that’s different from your normal routine, guess what your brain does — emergency brake! And it has that reaction for everything. Everything! You walk into the kitchen and see everybody’s left their breakfast dishes for you. And you think for the hundredth time, “I’m going to kill them. In fact I’m going to leave it here and I’m going to make them do it.” But that’s not your normal routine, is it? So your mind goes: emergency brake! And you go right into autopilot. “I’ll just load it, and be pissed, and then not have sex. That’s what I’m going to do.” So, when I say “force”, anything that’s a break from your routine is going to require force. And if you think about your life, it’s kind of funny because we are kids and then we become adults, and we spend so much time trying to push our life into some sort of stable routine, and then we grow bored of it! You wake up at the same time every day, you have largely the same breakfast, you drive to work the same way, show up at work, look busy, avoid making calls, update Facebook, you attend a meeting and doodle the whole time, go back and update Facebook, make plans for the evening, you look busy some more, then drive home the same way, you eat largely the same dinner or a variety of it, you watch the same kind of media, and then you go to bed, and do the same thing all over again! No wonder you’re bored out of your mind. It’s the routine that’s killing you. I have this theory about why people get stuck in life. So, most of you’ve probably taken your Basic Psych 101 class, and you’ve bumped into Abraham Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs”? Well, your body is kind of cool. Because you have these basic needs. And your body is wired to send you signals. If you need food, what do you feel? If you need water, what do you feel? If you need sex, what do you feel? Thank you. I think when you feel stuck or dissatisfied in your life, it’s a signal. And it’s not a signal that your life is broken. It’s a signal that one of your most basic needs are not being met. Your need for exploration. Everything about your life, about your body, grows. Your cells regenerate, your hair, your nails, everything grows for your entire life. And your soul needs exploration and growth. And the only way you’ll get it is by forcing yourself to be uncomfortable. Forcing yourself to get outside, out of your head. Thank you. If you’re in your head, you’re behind enemy lines. That is not God talking, okay? It’s not. In fact, if I put a speaker on it and we broadcast what you say to yourself, we would institutionalize you. You would not hang out with people that talk to you the way you talk to yourself. So get out of your head. Your feelings! Your feelings are screwing you! I don’t care how you feel. I care about what you want. And if you listen to how you feel, when it comes to what you want – you will not get it. Because you will never feel like it. And you need to get outside your comfort zone. It’s not about taking risks, it’s about getting outside your comfort zone. Those first three seconds when you push yourself out of bed, they blow. But once you’re up, it’s great. Those first three seconds when you’re sitting here in a stadium like this and somebody says, “Get up and come dance,” and you think, “Oh, I should do that,” and then you’re like, “Uhmm.” That experience that you had when you had the impulse to do it and then you didn’t do the activation energy required to force yourself, your emergency brake got pulled – “I’m sitting right here. I’m not going up with those crazy people, I don’t like to dance…” What happened for me is I came up, and I bumped into Rachel, and then we started talking, and next thing you know, she’s tweeting. And we’re friends. And – boom! Get outside. That’s where the magic is. That’s where the one in four hundred trillion exists. So everything I do – oh, OK, this is the last part. Sorry. Five-Second-Rule So one more thing that you can use, I call it the Five-Second-Rule. Your mind can process a facial expression in 33 milliseconds. It can move pretty damn quick. The other thing that it does very quickly is if you have one of those little impulses that are pulling you, if you don’t marry it with an action within five seconds, you pull the emergency brake and kill the idea. Kill it! If you have the impulse to get up and come dance while the band is playing, if you don’t stand up in five seconds, you’re going to pull the emergency brake. If you have an impulse about, you were inspired by somebody’s speech today, and you don’t do something within five seconds – write a note, send yourself a text – anything physical to marry it with the idea, you will pull the emergency brake and kill the idea. Your problem isn’t ideas. Your problem is you don’t act on them. You kill them. It’s not my fault. It’s not anybody’s fault. You’re doing it to yourself. Stop it! I’m counting on you. One in four hundred trillion. You got stuff to do! And it’s not going to happen in your head. So I want you to practice this today. When we go off to party, thank God it’s coming soon, because I think we all could use a cocktail, I want you to practice the five-second-rule. You see somebody and you think you have an impulse, they look interesting? Walk over there! You were inspired by somebody and you have a request? Make it! That’s why you’re here. Experiment with it, and I think you’ll be shocked about what happens. And one more thing, I want you to know that everything that I do, whether it’s the radio show, or the television show, or the book that I wrote, or the column, it’s for you. And if there is anything that I can do, if I can do anything to make you do the things you don’t want to do, so you can have what you want, I will do it. But you need to walk over, you need to open your mouth, and you need to make the request. You got it? Good. Go do it. Thank you! Thank you, yes! Stand up! You have the impulse, stand up! Thank you! |
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