 跃然小伙伴 被学校足球队裁员或者上课不及格，并不会让你的孩子成为受害者。被拒绝、失败和遭遇不公平是人生的一部分。与其让孩子深感自己该受众人同情，或夸大自己的不幸遭遇，意志坚定的父母宁可鼓励自己的孩子们，把面临的挣扎变成自身的力量。他们帮助自己的孩子们采取积极行动，无论遭遇什么样的际遇。 负罪感会导致一系列不健康的育儿举措。比如：你对孩子说“不”之后却又妥协，或者在假期过度放纵你的孩子。意志坚定的父母知道，尽管内疚感让人不舒服，但却是可以忍受的。他们拒绝让自己的负罪感妨碍自己做出明智的决定。 父母很容易让自己的生活围绕着孩子转。但是那些认为自己就是宇宙中心的孩子，长大后会变得自我中心，认为什么都是理所当然的。意志坚定的父母，会教导他们的孩子专注于能为这个世界带来什么，而不是应从世界得到什么。 把你的孩子放在一个精心呵护的泡泡里，可以让你解除很多的忧虑。但是让孩子们过得太安全，也会阻碍他们的成长。意志坚定的父母只是把自己当成孩子们的向导，而不是保护者。即使身处害怕放手的环境中，他们也会允许自己的孩子进入外面的世界，亲自去体验生活。 如果让孩子们决定家里晚饭吃什么，或者全家怎么度过周末，那他们的权力就太大了。这样，孩子就更像一个与父母平级的人，甚至是老板。这对孩子们来说都是不健康的。意志坚定的父母会让孩子在持守清晰的等级制度的同时，也能够做出适当的选择。 高的期望值是健康的，但是对孩子有过高的期望只会适得其反。意志坚定的父母认识到，自己的孩子不可能在各个方面都表现得出色。他们不会催促自己的孩子超过其他所有人，而是专注于帮助自己的孩子成为最好的自己。 你不会看到一个意志坚定的家长说：“我不想让孩子承担家务，孩子就应该做孩子。”之类的话。他们盼望自己的孩子能参与家务，为将来能够成为担负责任的公民而学习生活技能。他们主动教导自己的孩子们为各自的选择负责，并按孩子们的年龄给他们分配家务。 眼看着自己的孩子在伤害和焦虑中挣扎，对父母而言是件很困难的事。但是孩子需要操练，需要亲自去体会不适的感受。意志坚定的父母会在他们的孩子面对痛苦时，提供所需的支持和帮助。这样，他们的孩子就会对自己独立处理生活中任何困难的能力产生信心。 当孩子伤心的时候，父母很容易去哄他们开心；或者在孩子生气的时候，父母也很容易去安抚他们。但父母一直为孩子调节情绪，会妨碍他们在社交和情感上获得重要的处理技能。意志坚定的父母会教导孩子如何对自己的情绪负责，这样，他们就不必依赖别人来为自己的情绪负责。 无论是孩子在数学作业中做错几道题，还是踢足球时忘了带球鞋，犯错可能是人这一生中最伟大的老师。意志坚定的父母会任凭孩子陷入困境，并让他们去承担自己的行为所造成的自然后果。 惩罚就是让孩子们为自己所犯的错误受苦。而管教则是教他们如何在未来做得更好。意志坚定的父母确实会让孩子承担犯错的后果，但他们的最终目标是教会孩子养成自律的习惯，使他们在未来能做出更好的选择。 当孩子发牢骚时家长做出让步，或者替代孩子们做家务，都是快速且容易的事。但是这些捷径，让孩子们养成了不健康的习惯。忍受不舒服的感觉，放弃那些吸引人的捷径，需要家长有坚定的意志。 为人父母，从来都不是完美的。但要成为一个意志更为坚定的父母，关键是要从自己所犯的错误中学习和成长。把坚定的意志力放在首要位置，你会赋予自己的孩子足够的技能和信心，帮助他们发挥自身最大的潜能。 跃然小伙伴 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't DoIt's time to give up parenting habits that rob kids of mental strength.Raising mentally strong kids equipped to take on real-world challenges requires parents to give up the unhealthy — yet popular — parenting practices that are robbing kids of mental strength. Of course, helping kids build mental muscle isn’t easy — it requires parents to be mentally strong as well. Watching kids struggle, pushing them to face their fears, and holding them accountable for their mistakes is tough. But those are the types of experiences kids need to reach their greatest potential. Parents who train their children’s brains for a life of meaning, happiness, and success, avoid these 13 things: 1. They don't condone a victim mentality. Getting cut from the soccer team or failing a class doesn’t make your child a victim. Rejection, failure, and unfairness are part of life. Rather than allow kids to host pity parties or exaggerate their misfortune, mentally strong parents encourage their children to turn their struggles into strength. They help their children identify ways in which they can take positive action, no matter their circumstances. 2. They don't parent out of guilt. Guilty feelings can lead to a long list of unhealthy parenting strategies — like giving in to your child after you’ve said no, or overindulging your child on the holidays. Mentally strong parents know that although guilt is uncomfortable, it’s tolerable. They refuse to let their guilty feelings get in the way of making wise choices. 3. They don't make their children the center of the universe. It can be tempting to make your life revolve around your child. But kids who think they’re the center of the universe grow up to be self-absorbed and entitled. Mentally strong parents teach their kids to focus on what they have to offer the world — rather than what they’re owed. 4. They don't allow fear to dictate their choices. Keeping your child inside a protective bubble could spare you a lot of anxiety. But keeping kids too safe stunts their development. Mentally strong parents view themselves as guides, not protectors. They allow their kids to go out into the world and experience life, even when it’s scary to let go. 5. They don't give their children power over them. Kids who dictate what the family is going to eat for dinner, or who orchestrate how the family will spend their weekends, have too much power. Becoming more like an equal — or even the boss — isn’t healthy for kids. Mentally strong parents empower kids to make appropriate choices while maintaining a clear hierarchy. 6. They don't expect perfection. High expectations are healthy, but expecting too much from kids will backfire. Mentally strong parents recognize that their kids are not going to excel at everything. Rather than push their kids to be better than everyone else, they focus on helping them become the best versions of themselves. You won’t catch a mentally strong parent saying things like, “I don’t want to burden my kids with chores. Kids should just be kids.” They expect children to pitch in and learn the skills they need to become responsible citizens. They proactively teach their kids to take responsibility for their choices, and assign them age-appropriate duties.  8. They don't shield their children from pain. It’s tough to watch kids struggle with hurt feelings or anxiety. But kids need practice and first-hand experience with tolerating discomfort. Mentally strong parents provide their kids with the support and help they need when coping with pain so their kids can gain confidence in their own ability to deal with whatever hardships life throws their way. 9. They don't feel responsible for their children's emotions. It can be tempting to cheer your kids up when they’re sad or to calm them down when they’re angry. But regulating your kids’ emotions for them prevents them from gaining important social and emotional skills. Mentally strong parents teach their children how to be responsible for their own emotions, so they don’t have to depend on others to do it for them. Whether your child gets a few questions wrong on his math homework, or forgets to pack his cleats for soccer practice, mistakes can be life’s greatest teacher. Mentally strong parents let their kids mess up — and allow them to face the natural consequences of their actions. 11. They don't confuse discipline with punishment. Punishment is about making kids suffer for their wrongdoing. Discipline is about teaching them how to do better in the future. And while mentally strong parents do give out consequences, their ultimate goal is to teach kids to develop the self-discipline they’ll need to make better choices down the road. 12. They don't take shortcuts to avoid discomfort. Giving in when a child whines, or doing your kids’ chores for them, is fast and easy. But those shortcuts teach kids unhealthy habits. It takes mental strength to tolerate discomfort and avoid those tempting shortcuts. 13. They don't lose sight of their values. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the day-to-day business of homework, chores, and sports practices. Those hectic schedules — combined with the pressure to look like Parent of the Year on social media — cause many people to lose sight of what’s really important. Mentally strong parents know their values, and ensure that their family lives according to them.
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