|
We all know that there’s more to maturity than simply growing older. So what characteristics do you need to become a mature person? And why will that help you lead a better life? UCLA Medical School psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Marmer explains. 我们都知道长大并不代表成熟。那我们需要有哪些特质才算是一个真正成熟的大人？成熟对于我们的生活又有什么意义？UCLA 医学院的精神病专家史蒂芬·马默教授为我们讲解。 译校：FungChuh It's Time to Grow Up 如何成为一个真正的大人 We all know it takes a long time to grow up—not only biologically, but psychologically. There's a saying among psychiatrists that it takes 50 years to overcome the first 20. 我们都知道要花很长时间才能长大——不仅是生理上，还有心理上。精神病学家中有句话叫做克服头 20 年 要花 50 年时间。 Here's the good news: unlike other species, we are not restrained by our instincts alone. We are able to learn from our parents, our experiences and our culture. 好消息是：不像其他物种，我们不只是受制于本能。我们能够从我们的父母，我们的经历和我们的文化中学习。 Here's the bad news: Nobody matures without effort. It doesn't happen naturally. It takes a lot of hard work. 坏消息是：没人能不费力气就变成熟。它并非自然发生，而是需要非常多的努力。 But what does it mean to be 'mature?' Good question. So, let's answer it. 但「成熟」是什么意思？好问题，那让我们来回答它。 I have identified five characteristics of maturity. If you work to possess them all, you will have a happier, deeper, and more productive life. 我给出了成熟的五个特征。如果你努力获得了它们，你会有一个更幸福，更有深度，也更有成效的人生。 One: Taking Control 1）掌握控制 Of course, you had no choice what era you were born in, or where you were born, or who your parents are. But with each year of childhood you attain more and more capacity to chart your own course. Yes, society and fate play a role, but cultivating your ability and willingness to make your own decisions, expands your ability to influence how your life unfolds. The only way to achieve maturity is to take charge of your life. Nothing empowers you as much as exercising that control. Refusing to act, waiting to be rescued and seeing yourself as a victim are sure signs of immaturity. 当然，你无法选择你出生在什么时代，出生在什么地方和你的父母是谁。但随着你逐渐长大，你获得了越来越多能力去规划你的方向。没错，社会和命运起到作用，但培养你的能力和意愿以做出你自己的决定，扩大了你影响未来生活的能力。变得成熟的唯一办法是掌控你的生活。没有什么比掌握控制更能给予你力量。拒绝行动，等待拯救和视自己为受害者必然是不成熟的标志。 Two: Taking Responsibility. 2）担起责任 I mean this in two ways. 我这么说有两个方面。 The first way is simply to acknowledge that you’re responsible for what you do. If you make a mistake, acknowledge it. Don't alibi and don't blame others. This is an easy thing to say, but we all know it's very hard to do. A mature person does it. A mature person takes responsibility. 第一个方面是简单地认识到你要对你的所作所为负责。如果你犯了错，承认它。不要找借口也不要怪责他人。这说起来容易，但我们都知道做起来非常难。一个成熟的人会这么做。一个成熟的人会承担责任。 Second, is the willingness to take on obligations and fulfill them. For example, I got married and took on obligations to my wife and children. I have ethical obligations to my patients and my profession, even on days that I might not feel like it. A mature person doesn't see obligations as burdens but as something he willingly accepts and sees through to fulfillment. 第二，是担起义务并履行它们的意愿。例如，我结婚了，担起对我老婆和孩子的义务。我对我的病人和我的职业有道德义务，即使是在我不太想这么做的时候。一个成熟的人不会把义务视作负担，而是某样他乐意接受并尽力履行的东西。 Three: Containing Emotions. 3）克制情绪。 I would never suggest that you should ignore your emotions, but you have to learn to contain them. Immature people lash out at their boss or their coworker if something doesn't go their way, or argue with their spouse when they come home, or turn to alcohol or drugs because of a rough day. 我绝不会建议你应该无视你的情绪，但你必须学会抑制它们。不成熟的人呵斥他们的老板或同事，如果某事不顺心的话，或者在配偶回家的时候和他争吵，或者因为日子过得不好而求助于酒精和药物。 I often tell my patients that maturity can be measured by how much anxiety they can tolerate without acting out inappropriately against themselves or others. Mature people express their emotions in the right place, at the right time, in the right way. We are emotional beings, but we should never let go of the steering wheel; that is, we need to learn how and when to contain our emotions. 我经常跟我的病人说衡量成熟可以看他们能忍受多少焦虑而不会不当地向自己或他人发作。成熟的人表达他们的情绪会在合适的地方，在合适的时间，以合适的方式。我们是感性动物，但我们绝不应该松开方向盘，即是，我们必须学习如何还有何时抑制我们的情绪。 Four: Having Perspective. 4）拥有广阔视角。 An immature teenager will regard a pimple as a catastrophic eruption of Mt. Vesuvius, or will regard rejection by a girlfriend or boyfriend as the end of the world. Maturity comes from putting disappointments into perspective. 一个不成熟的人会把一个小疙瘩看作维苏威火山的灾难性爆发，会把女朋友或男朋友的拒绝看作世界末日。成熟来自将失望纳入广阔视角。 The reason we forgive a teenager's overreaction is because we understand it's probably the first time it's happened. But life's disappointments don't stop when you turn 21. Far from it. Disappointments of every variety, great and small, happen throughout life. The mature person learns from them and gets stronger each time he recovers. This kind of mature thinking is best expressed in the famous advice given to King Solomon: This too shall pass. 我们原谅青少年反应过度的原因是因为我们明白这大概是第一次发生。但生活中的失望不会因为你 21 岁了就停止。远非如此。各种各样的失望，大的和小的，一辈子都会经历。成熟的人从中学习，每次恢复都变得更强大。这种成熟的思维在所罗门王著名的建议中完美体现：这一切都会过去。 Perspective also means that when we are upset with someone dear to us, we have to put that negative experience in the context of the entire relationship. Immature people demonize a friend or a relative they are upset with, and forget or ignore all the love and good experiences they once had. Mature people see the whole picture—not only the good, and not only the bad. 广阔视角也意味着当我们恼怒于我们珍视的某人，我们必须将这次负面经历放进完整的关系背景中。不成熟的人妖魔化他们不满的朋友或亲戚，忘记或无视他们曾经有过的爱与美好经历。成熟的人看到完整的图景——不只有好的，不只有坏的。 Five: Achieving Deep Understanding. 5）实现深度理解。 This takes the concept of empathy to a higher level. Beyond tuning in to another's feelings, this is about comprehending the ways in which another's ideas and behaviors make sense to them. You don't have to agree with that person, but you need to be able to get inside their thinking. You need to understand why they believe what they believe. 这将共情的概念带到更高的层次。这不只是迎合他人的情绪，而是理解他们为什么觉得他人的想法和行为有道理。你不必同意那个人，但你要能够从他们的角度思考。你要去理解他们为什么相信他们所相信的。 A good way to do this is to repeat what a person has said back to them. 'Is this what you meant?' If they say 'yes it is,' then you know, and they know, that you've reached a deeper understanding. This kind of understanding, by the way, is indispensable to achieving true intimacy. It explains why the mature person is able to have more intimate relationships than the immature person ever will. 一个这样做的好办法是把一个人说过的话重复给他们听。「这是你的意思吗？」如果他们说：「对，没错。」那你就知道，他们也知道，你已经达到了更深的理解。顺便一提，这种理解，对实现真正的亲密是必不可少的。它解释了为什么成熟的人能够比不成熟的人拥有更亲密的关系。 Taking control. Taking responsibility. Containing your emotions. Having perspective. Achieving deep understanding—these are five characteristics of maturity. 掌握控制。担起责任。克制你的情绪。拥有广阔视角。实现深度理解——这是成熟的五个特征。 Together they can lead you to a deeper and happier life. 它们能让你过上更有深度也更幸福的生活。 I'm Dr. Stephen Marmer, Psychiatrist, UCLA School of Medicine, for Prager University. 我是史蒂芬·马默博士，加州大学洛杉矶分校医学院的精神病专家，为 PragerU 制作。 |
|
|
