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How to Make the Perfect Apology 如何来个完美的道歉 By CANDICE JALILI︱Sept. 20, 2018 How do you apologize for something hurtful? Crafting an apology that can make the person you’ve hurt feel better is no small feat. In fact, in order to be truly effective, an apology must contain these six components, a 2016 study published in Negotiation and Conflict Management Research found. 你怎么为伤害他人的事道歉？向被你伤害的人做一个让Ta感觉好起来的道歉可不是一件轻松的事。2016年发表的《谈判与冲突管理研究》的一项研究发现，事实上，为了能够让它切实有效，道歉必须包含这六个部分。 feat: 功绩，壮举
表达悔意 2. Explanation of what went wrong 说明哪里出了错 3. Acknowledgment of responsibility 承认有责任 4. Declaration of repentance 声明忏悔 5. Offer of repair 表达修复关系的意愿 6. Request for forgiveness 请求原谅 7. And that doesn’t even take into account the specific person you’re addressing. 这还不是具体针对你所要道歉的人在说。 repentance：忏悔;悔悟 Dr. Jennifer Thomas, co-author of When Sorry Isn’t Enough, TED speaker and psychologist, has conducted research, alongside Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, to come up with five apology languages: expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting and requesting forgiveness. 《当说对不起还不够时》一书的合著者、TED演说家和心理学家詹妮弗·托马斯博士与《5种爱的语言：永恒的爱的秘密》一书的作者加里·查普曼博士一起进行了一项研究，提出了五种道歉语言：表达遗憾、承担责任、赔偿损失、真诚地忏悔和请求宽恕。 “Apologies really differ from person to person according to what their apology language is and so I found, for example, that saying, ‘I’m wrong and I’m sorry’ will reach 77% of people,” Thomas explains. “But the remaining 23% are waiting to hear three other things and that’s why we have our five apology languages.” 托马斯解释说：“道歉的确会因为使用的道歉语言不同，而造成不同的结果，因此我发现，假如说，‘我错了，我很抱歉’会让77%的人接受。但是剩下的23%的人还在等着听其他三种，这就是为什么我们有五种道歉语言。” Still, apologies should be tailored to the person you’re apologizing to. Here, experts share research-backed tips for creating the perfect mea culpa for each and every person in your life. 不过，道歉应该针对你要道歉的人。在这里，专家们分享了他们研究得出的技巧，能让你向生活中的每个人做出完美的道歉 - 都是我的错。 mea culpa：我的错误 Apologizing to a romantic partner: 向你的亲密爱人道歉： “Staying connected emotionally is key to maintaining a healthy relationship,” says Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. “So it’s important to express your regret and request forgiveness. That means never placing any blame on the other person or say things like, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’ Instead, say, ‘I’m sorry I raised my voice,’ to show that you take full ownership for your actions.” “保持情感上的连接是保持健康关系的关键，”艾米·莫林说，她是一名心理医生，《13件让身心强壮却鲜有人做的事》一书的作者。“表达你的后悔并请求原谅是很重要的，这意味着永远不要把责任推到别人身上，也不要说“你这么想，我很抱歉”之类的话。相反，要说“对不起，我刚才嗓门太大了”，以表明你对自己的行为完全负责。” Thomas also says that you need to make your devotion to your partner clear. “If it’s a romantic partner, something that’s really important is your commitment,” she says. In order to do this, Thomas recommends incorporating her fourth apology language — declaration of repentance — by specifically outlining how things are going to be different moving forward. Thomas says this lets them know you’re thinking about your future together. 托马斯还说，你需要明确你对伴侣的忠贞不渝。她说：“对于亲密爱人，你对他Ta的承诺非常重要。”为了做到这一点，托马斯建议将她的第四种道歉语言 — 忏悔声明 — 具体地概括出事情在进展中会有什么不同。托马斯说这让他们知道你也在考虑今后会怎样。 Apologizing to a co-worker: 向同事道歉： The future matters when it comes to a peer you work with too, but the approach should be different. 当涉及到和你一起工作的同事时，今后会怎样也很重要，但是处理的方法却是不同的。 “I think a key word with coworkers is trust,” Thomas says, emphasizing they need to know you won’t hurt their reputation. In order to get this across in your apology, she recommends combining the two most popular apology languages: 40% of people most want to hear us say ‘I was wrong,’ while the other 40% of people most want to hear us say ‘I’m sorry.’ By combining the two, you may guarantee that you’ve crafted an apology that 80% of people will feel connected to. 托马斯说：“我认为有关同事的一个关键词是信任。”他强调说，他们需要知道你不会损害他们的声誉。为了在你的道歉中说明这一点，她建议将两种最流行的道歉语言结合起来：40%的人最想听到我们说“我错了”，而40%的人最想听到我们说“我很抱歉”。通过将这两种说法结合起来，可以保证你能精心设计出一种道歉，能让80%的人感到满意。 Keep it between the two of you, Morin says. 莫林说，将一切控制在你们两个人范围内。 “Resist the urge to bring anyone else into the situation when you’re apologizing to a co-worker,” adds Morin. “Don’t blame the boss, the company, or your other team members for your behavior. Stick to ‘I messages’ like, ‘I really let my emotions get the better of me,’ as you take responsibility for your actions.” 莫林补充道：“当你向同事道歉时，不要让任何人其他人参与进来。不要因为你的行为而责备老板、公司或其他团队成员。坚持只说“我”，比如“我会让自己更好的控制情绪”，因为你要对自己的行为负责。” Apologizing to a friend: 向朋友道歉： “When apologizing to a friend, it may be appropriate to offer to repair your wrongdoing,” says Morin who suggests offering to take your co-worker to lunch after that missed coffee date. “While you can’t undo what you did wrong, you can offer to do something that shows you value the relationship and you’re invested in doing whatever you can to make it work.” “当你向朋友道歉时，主动提出补救你的错误或许是好的，”莫林说，他建议在错过咖啡约会后主动提出带你的同事去吃午饭。“虽然你无法挽回你所做的错事，但你可以主动提出去做一些能表明你重视这段关系的事情，并且你会投入到尽你所能使之发挥作用的事情上。” A friend wants to know you’re dedicated to preserving the friendship too. 作为朋友，Ta也很想知道你也在尽力保持友谊。 “Your commitment to the friendship is a good thing to reiterate at the beginning or the end of the apology,” says Thomas. Her advice also mirrors Morin’s by suggesting you go with apology language number three on her list — making amends — in order to truly aim to make up for a wrongdoing with a friend. 托马斯说：“在道歉的开始或结束时，你对友谊的反复声明是非常必要的。她的建议和莫林异曲同工，建议你在她的名单上用第三种道歉语言 — 做出补偿 — 真正的目的是弥补与朋友相处中的错误。 reiterate：反复地说，重申 Apologizing to a parent: 向父母道歉： People make three common excuses when they’re apologizing to people: they blame, they excuse and they deny what they’ve done, according to Thomas’s research. 根据托马斯的研究，当人们向别人道歉时，通常会找三个借口：责备，辩解以及他们否认自己所做的事。 “I think people make the mistake of making excuses when they’re apologizing to their parents, and I think they need to make the apology and let it stand on its own,” she says. In order to do this, she recommends incorporating all five apology languages and biting your tongue to avoid making any sort of explanation or excuse. 她说：“我认为，当人们向父母道歉时，他们犯了找借口的错误，我认为他们只是需要道歉，然后看其发展。”为了做到这一点，她建议将所有五种道歉语言结合起来，然后把嘴闭上，以避免做出任何解释或找借口。 People are looking for recognition, not the reason you let them down. “Your parents know that you’re not perfect and they’re well aware of your not-so-great qualities,” adds Morin. “But that doesn’t mean your offenses should be brushed off. If you hurt one of your parents, acknowledge it,” she says, recommending an apology that centers on both regret and a request for forgiveness. 人们希望被认可，不是你让他们失望的原因。莫里恩补充道：“你的父母知道你并不完美，他们也很清楚你的那些”没有那么好“的品质。但这并不意味着你的冒犯行为应该被忽视。如果你伤害了你的父母，要承认这一点，”她建议你道歉的重点是，后悔和请求原谅。 “Say something like, ‘I’m so sorry that I didn’t show up to your family get-together after I said I would. I know how important that was to you. Please forgive me for missing it.’ Then, focus on changing your behavior in the future to show that you truly are sorry.” “说些像‘对不起，我答应了参加家庭聚会但我没有来。我知道这对你有多重要。请原谅我没来。’然后，集中精力改变你今后的行为，以表明你真的很抱歉。” Apologizing to a child: 向一个孩子道歉： Yes, apologies matter to kids, and they want to hear a lot of the same things adults do. Bonus: it’s a teachable moment. 是的，道歉对孩子们很重要，对于成年人是怎么做这件事的，他们很想知道。除此之外的好处是：这还是一个教育孩子的好时刻。 “An expression of regret is key to giving an effective apology to a child,” Morin says. “Be willing to use feeling words like, ‘I feel really sad that I let you down,’ or ‘I am mad at myself for messing up.’ Then, make it clear that you’re going to try and do better next time. Your child will learn a lot about life from the way you apologize so be a good role model and accept full responsibility for your actions.” 莫林说：“表达后悔是向孩子进行有效道歉的关键。要用感人的话来说，‘让你失望，我真的很难过’，或者‘我为自己把事情搞砸了而感到懊恼’。然后，明确你下次会努力做得更好。你的孩子会从你道歉的方式中学到很多关于生活的知识，所以要做一个好的榜样，对你的行为负全责。” “If you’re apologizing to your child, first, I would give you a gold star because it’s so important for us to do that,” Thomas says. “We need to model the apology languages for them. 托马斯说：“如果你向你的孩子道歉，首先，我会给你一颗金星，因为这对我们来说非常重要。我们需要为他们树立如何道歉的榜样。” Avoid a common mistake: expecting a child to return the apology. “Your apology needs to stand on its own so you just offer it and make sure that, even if they don’t reciprocate, that your apology still stands.” 避免一个常见的错误：期望一个孩子来回应道歉。“你只需要自己做出道歉的行为即可，所以你只需把它讲出来，并确保即使没有回应，你的道歉仍然有效。” reciprocate：回报 Apologizing to a sibling: 向自己的兄弟姐妹道歉： When apologizing to a brother or sister, Thomas believes that simply saying “I apologize” can actually go a very long way. “It lets them know that you’re not going to blame, excuse or deny — those three mistakes,” she says. “It sets the stage for you to use whichever apology language you think is best — or all five if you have time — and it gets their attention.” 当向兄弟姐妹道歉时，托马斯相信简单地说“我道歉”实际上包含很多。她说：“这让他们知道你不会犯责怪、找借口或否认这三个错误。”“这为你使用自己认为最好的道歉语言 — 或者如果你有时间的话，使用所有五种语言 — 提供了一个平台，这会引起他们的注意。” Apologizing shows respect to that sibling who, because you grew up with them and may have a history of offending each other, might feel like you don’t respect them, according to Thomas. 托马斯说，道歉显示出对兄弟姐妹的尊重，因为你和他们一起长大，可能有过互相冒犯的经历，有可能会觉得你不尊重他们。 Resist the temptation to drudge up old history, Morin warns. “Reminding your sibling of all the times they’ve hurt you, only makes things worse. Stick to the facts about the current situation by explaining what went wrong in the current offense only. Try saying something like, ‘I messed up. I shouldn’t have told that story about you in front of everyone. I’m really sorry.’” 莫林警告说，要避免旧事重提。“提醒你的兄弟姐妹，说他们也一直在伤害你，只会让事情变得更糟。坚持眼前发生的事，只解释当前做事情的错误。试着说’我搞砸了。我不应该在大家面前讲你的事。我真的很抱歉。’” 10个让你感到不舒服的迹象说明，你正在成为最好的自己。英语读头条（第495期） 小猫咪以一种再可爱不过的方式中断了比赛，然后消失。英语读头条（第121期） 👇 |
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