友谊得以长久维持的8个迹象

小译说

你的朋友是否积极且可靠？

这些迹象表明友谊会长久维持下去。

I have friends from high school and college I don’t see often because we live in different cities. Sometimes we’ll go long stretches without communicating ― other than replying to each other’s Instagram stories or sending funny memes here and there.

我有一些高中和大学时期的朋友，但因为各自住在不同的城市，所以我们不常见面。有时我们会很长一段时间都没有交流——只有偶尔评论一下彼此的Ins和分享一些有趣的梗。

But when we do finally get the chance to FaceTime or meet up in person, it feels like no time has passed, and we easily pick up where we left off. There’s a comfort and reliability to that kind of rapport, no matter how our lives evolve.

但当我们总算有机会打视频电话或者线下见面时，感觉岁月并未走远，我们很轻松就能重拾旧日时光。无论我们的生活如何改变，这种融洽的关系都会令人感到舒适和可靠。

Of course, not all friendships last for the long haul. But those that do share many common features.

当然，尽管并非所有的友谊都能天长地久，但那些金石之交有着许多共同的特征。

Below, experts share the signs of a friendship that has staying power.

以下是专家们分享的友谊得以长久维持的8个迹象。

You celebrate each other’s successes.

你们庆祝彼此的成功

“A very important sign of a good friend is the one who is there to help you celebrate your successes,” said Glenda Shaw, author of “Better You, Better Friends.”

格伦达·肖是Better You, Better Friends一书的作者，肖表示：“好朋友会在你成功时与你一同庆祝，这是好朋友的一个重要特征。”

This can be hard for people sometimes, especially if they aren’t feeling very accomplished in their lives, Shaw noted. They may wonder, “Why isn’t this happening to me?”

肖指出，这有时对人们来说很难，尤其是当他们在生活中感觉不是很有成就感的时候。他们可能会想，“为什么成功的不是我？”

“The friends who are able to overcome any incipient envy and bring forth some heartfelt excitement for your success ― your golden award, your just-published book, your new house or spouse ― are joining you in an important moment in your life,” Shaw said. “They’re letting you know that your friendship matters to them.”

肖还说：“那些能够克服嫉妒之心，并为你的成功感到由衷喜悦的朋友们——你拿的第一名、你刚出版的书、你的新房子或爱人——会和你共同度过你生命中的重要时刻。”“他们这样做是想让你知道你的友谊对他们很重要。”

Clinical psychologist and friendship expert Irene S. Levine pointed out that good friends root for each other’s success in all things, even when it’s difficult.

临床心理学家和友谊专家艾琳·S·莱文指出，好朋友在所有事情上都会支持彼此，直至成功，即使是在攻克难关时也是如此。

“You’re cheerleaders for each other rather than competitors,” Levine said.

莱文说：“你们为彼此打Call，而非明争暗斗。”

There’s reciprocity.

你们互助互惠

“A good friendship feels reciprocal with give and take on both sides,” Levine said.

莱文表示：“一段好的友谊是互助互惠的，双方都有付出和收获。”

Of course, relationships can’t be perfectly equal at all times, but things should balance out in the long term, with both people putting in effort and showing interest.

当然，与人相处不可能在每时每刻都是完全平等的，但从大体来看，应该是平衡的，双方都要付出努力并表现出对维持友谊的兴趣。

“Giving and receiving support during vulnerable times is really important for a healthy friendship,” said psychologist and friendship expert Marisa G. Franco. “There’s reciprocal vulnerability. If only one person is being vulnerable over the span of the friendship, it can be more of a dependency than a friendship. Friendship is reciprocal by nature, so there should be giving and receiving support and showing vulnerability.”

心理学家兼友谊专家玛丽莎·G·芙兰可表示：“在脆弱时给予和接受帮助对健康的友谊非常重要。”“双方都会出现脆弱的时候。如果在相处的过程中，只有一方一直表现出脆弱，那么这更像是一种依赖关系，而非友谊。友谊本质上是互惠的，所以双方应该给予和接受帮助，不介意展现出自己脆弱的一面。”

Communication is easy.

你们沟通无阻

Communication is paramount in any personal relationship, and a friendship that’s built to last will reflect that.

在任何人际关系中，沟通都是最重要的，要想建立长期的友谊关系也避不开这一点。

“There’s an ease of communication,” Levine said. “When conflicts or misunderstandings occur, they are easily and quickly resolved. You 'get each other’ and just seem to click.”

莱文表示：“好朋友间沟通顺畅。”“当冲突或误解发生时，问题往往解决得又快又好。你们能够理解彼此，配合默契。”

Shaw emphasized that tense situations are inevitable, but they’ll only strengthen good friendships.

肖强调，关系紧张的时刻是不可避免的，但它们只会让原本就良好的友谊愈发坚固。

“Intimacy is born from conflict,” Shaw said. “The point isn’t to have friendships without conflict ― the point is how we work through these challenges. And when you talk over a challenging situation or circumstance with a friend, remember to listen to their point of view, to offer your feedback generously, and, most importantly, to be willing to adjust your own behavior. This is how our relationships can grow and thrive.”

肖说：“亲密源于冲突。”“关键不在于选择没有冲突的友谊——而在于我们应对这些挑战的方式。当你和朋友谈论某个具有挑战性的情况时，记得倾听他们的观点，并大方给出自己的反馈，最重要的是，要愿意听取意见，做出调整。如此，我们的人际关系就会不断成长并壮大。”

You respect each other’s decisions.

你们尊重彼此的决定

“Even if your values differ, you respect each other’s judgment and way of thinking,” Levine said.

莱文说：“即使你们的价值观不同，你们也尊重对方的判断和思维方式。”

Franco defined this aspect of the relationship as “identify affirmation.”

芙兰可将人际关系的这一方面定义为“主体尊重”。

“Identity affirmation is a green flag in a friendship,” Franco said. “That’s when your friend doesn’t try to impose their values or ways of living onto you.”

芙兰可表示：“主体尊重是一段友谊关系的警示旗。”“这时你的朋友不会试图把他们的价值观或生活方式强加给你。”

Franco gave the example of a friend who announces that she wants to quit her job and move to Mexico.

芙兰可举了个例子，她的一个朋友表示想辞去工作，搬到墨西哥去。

“Even though I’m like, 'I wouldn’t do that, I value stability,’ I wouldn’t stop my friend from doing that because I affirm their identity,” she explained. “If you’re low in identity affirmation, then you would impose those standards onto a friend and say 'I don’t think you should do that. I think you’re making a dumb decision.’”

她解释说：“虽然我是这么想的'我就不会这么做，我喜欢稳定的生活’，但我不会劝阻我的朋友，因为我尊重他们作为主体所做的决定。”“如果你对主体尊重的肯定程度较低，那么你会把这些标准强加给朋友，并说'我认为你不应该这么做。我觉得你在做一个愚蠢的决定。’”

You can rely on their support.

你们相互依靠

A fundamental part of friendship is being able to depend on each other for support when needed.

友谊的一个基本组成部分是在需要时能够相互依靠以获得支持。

“It is always a good sign in a friendship when a person truly shows up for you when you are mentally or physically vulnerable,” Shaw said. “Think about the people who stay in contact with you when you’re sick, who call to check on you and who deliver nourishing food so that you don’t have to cook.”

肖表示：“在一段友谊关系中，如果另一方在你精神上或身体上脆弱的时候能真切地牵挂你，这总是一个好兆头。”“想想在你生病时那些与你保持联系的人，那些打电话来问候你的人，那些给你提供滋补食物让你不必自己做饭的人。”

The pandemic has led to countless stories of support from friends helping people get through difficult experiences, Shaw said. Showing up makes a difference, and doing it consistently lets your friend know that you can rely on each other.

肖还说，这场疫情催生了无数朋友帮助人们度过难关的故事。牵挂朋友会带来不同，长此以往这样做会让你的朋友知道你们可以相互依靠。

“This is about the people who stay the course whenever you’re going through a tough time,” Shaw added. “In one research study of 3,000 women with breast cancer, it was shown that these women were most likely to survive this disease if they had close friends to rely on during the course of their illness.”

肖最后补充说：“值得依靠的是那些在你的人生陷入低谷时仍不离不弃，坚持到底的人。”“在一项针对3000名女性乳腺癌患者的研究中，结果表明，如果这些女性在患病期间有亲密的朋友可以依靠，那么她们在这种疾病中存活下来的几率就会达到最大。”

You have common interests.

你们志趣相投

One thing that can make friendships particularly effortless and long-lasting is sharing common interests.

有一件事可以让友谊轻松长久，那就是拥有共同的兴趣。

“This might include work interests, hobbies, being mothers, being single, etc.” Levine said. She added that those points of overlap can also be matters of convenience.

莱文表示：“这可能包括工作兴趣、爱好、当母亲、单身等等。” 她补充说，你们身上这些相同的点也可能为寻找共同兴趣带来方便。

“Perhaps you live in the same neighborhood and can do errands together and help each other out in a pinch,” Levine said. “Your time schedules are in sync. For example, a mother with young children will have far less time for friendship than a single friend.”

莱文还说：“也许你们住在同一个社区，可以一起做些差事，在紧要关头互相帮助。”“你们的时间表得是同步的。例如，一位有着年幼子女的母亲与一位单身人士相比，她能用来经营友谊的时间要少得多。”

The relationship can evolve.

你们的关系可以不断发展

Being aligned in terms of location, interests or life circumstances can strengthen friendships. But of course, there are plenty of strong relationships between people who aren’t as in sync.

在地域位置、兴趣或生活环境方面保持一致可以增进友谊。但当然，即使在各种方面都不太一样的人之间也有很多牢固的关系。

A sign of a good friendship is one that can evolve as you and the other person change and grow. Becoming single again, moving away, having kids and other big transitions will inevitably affect your friendship in some way. But if it’s meant to last, you’ll be able to catch up and fall back into that easy communication when you reunite.

良好友谊的一个标志是，它会随着你和另一方的变化和成长而发展。再次失恋、搬家、生孩子和其他重大生活转变都会不可避免地在某种程度上影响你的友谊。但如果你的友谊注定会天长地久，那么当你与朋友重聚时，回到那种与朋友轻松的沟通中对你来说就不会是难事。

“The friendship is forgiving and allows for changes, which may even include not speaking or seeing each other for some time,” Levine said.

莱文说：“友谊是宽容的，允许出现变化，甚至可能包括一段时间内不说话或不见面。”

There’s vulnerability.

友谊存在脆弱性

“A non-negotiable factor that determines the health and depth of every relationship is vulnerability,” said friendship expert and author Shasta Nelson.

友谊专家兼作家沙斯塔·纳尔逊表示：“脆弱性是决定每一段关系的健康程度与深度的一个绝对因素。”

Vulnerability involves sharing in a way that “leaves us feeling known,” Nelson said. There’s a lot of risk and reward in vulnerable moments.

纳尔逊说，脆弱性就是以一种“使我们知情”的方式去相处。这种时刻总是风险与回报并存。

“One of the best signs in a friendship is when, as an act of love, a friend takes the risk of telling you something that they know might hurt you,” Shaw said. “One time I couldn’t go out partying with friends, and my then-beau hit on a good friend of mine. The next day, she came to see me, and she gently told me what had happened. It was as difficult for her to tell me this as it was for me to hear it ― but she knew that I needed to hear it. And I did!”

肖说：“友谊中最好的迹象之一是，出于一种爱的行为，朋友会冒险告诉你一些他们明知道可能会伤害你的事情。”“有一次，我无法和朋友们一起出去聚会，而我当时的男朋友调戏了我的一个好友。第二天，她来拜访我，并温和地告诉了我事情经过。告诉我这件事不仅对她来说十分困难，对我这个听的人来说也是——但她明白，我有必要知道这件事。而且对我来说确实如此！”

While the romantic relationship ended, Shaw and that friend remain close to this day.

虽然恋情走到了尽头，但肖与那位朋友至今都保持着十分亲密的关系。

“If you select friends you can trust, then they will look out for your best interests,” she said.

她表示：“如果你选择了可以信任的朋友，那么他们会考虑对你来说最好的选择。”

友谊是人生最珍贵的感情之一，也是一笔珍贵的财富。

本文为百度翻译原创内容

翻译：刘磊磊（北语） 

编辑：Leona

文章来源：HuffPost