大家的观点各有各的道理,这也从侧面说明,“性和爱能不能分离”这个问题背后的含义,并不是简单的“能或不能”就可以概括。 性爱分离的体验是否真的存在?有没有可能是性能单独存在,而爱离不开性?为什么有的人能够接受和享受无爱之性或无性之爱的关系,但有的人则认为自己不能?性爱分离和性爱合一比,到底哪种体验会更好? 带着这些疑问,我想试图通过从人在生理和心理层面对于性和爱的“本能”,去找到一些答案。这或许能够帮助我们更加客观地认识和理解不同性爱关系背后的原因,以及为我们追求更健康、更符合自身需要的性爱体验提供更加科学的指导。 一起来看今天的文章。 一项发表在Neuroreport上的研究表明:性冲动和爱情唤起的大脑区域是不完全一样的(Bartels & Zeki, 2000)。 简单来说,虽然浪漫爱情和性刺激,都能够对控制人类注意力和奖赏系统的脑区(中间岛叶、前扣带回皮层、腹纹状体等)产生作用,这说明爱情和性欲确实都会调动人们的注意力,让人产生想要尝试的感觉。 但不同的是,只有爱能够激活人类负责想象和未来规划的脑区(背外侧皮质),只有性欲会激活负责处理恐惧和威胁的脑区(杏仁核)。 另外,Acevedo 等人(2011)和 Xu 等人(2010)的研究都发现,人们爱得越强烈,和“获得奖赏动机”有关的大脑右侧尾状核和腹侧被盖区被激活的情况越明显,而性欲则不会激活这两个区域。这也意味着,爱与性欲在体验和神经生物学水平上是不同的(Aron, 2006)。 根据多个研究的证据,人不论在情感上还是理智上,都可能不对性关系的对象产生关乎爱情的依恋感。 一项针对最容易“上头”的FWB关系(friend with benefits,指与信任的朋友发生性关系)的调查显示,人们通常不会和自己的FWB进行关于“定义这段关系”的交流,并会主动切断和性伴侣走向浪漫爱情的可能(Bisson, 2009)。 同一项研究还使用了斯腾伯格的爱情三角量表对参与者进行测量,结果进一步发现尽管人们与FWB之间存在较为强烈的亲密感,但缺乏了激情和承诺。而亲密、激情和承诺正是共同组成浪漫爱情的关键因素。 在更年轻的、进行过浪漫关系之外的性行为的群体中,Manning(2006)等人也发现,只有1/3的人怀抱着能够将这段性关系发展成为浪漫爱情关系的渴望,而另2/3的人并没有类似的期待,同时表现出了对这段性关系更低的爱情感觉和承诺。
这主要是因为,情感亲密度对于性满足感至关重要(Sprecher & Cate, 2004)。当我们与一个深爱的人发生性行为时,我们更可能体验到情感亲密、信任和安全感,这些因素有助于提高性满足感。 同时,与爱人发生性行为时,双方更可能关心对方的需求,从而提高性生活的质量。研究发现,在稳定的爱情关系中,伴侣之间更容易进行开放和诚实的沟通,这有助于了解彼此的性需求和偏好(Byers, 2005),从而克服源自内心深处的对性的恐惧和羞耻(Goldenberg,1999)。换句话说,爱情的存在,会让性显得更安全。 “我尝试约过一次,感觉一般般。并不是说技巧或者硬件上的问题,就是觉得差了点什么。可以说我是老古董,说我恋爱脑也行,我可能并不真的很需要性吧,我只是需要爱,是爱才让我觉得性变得美好。” ——牯岭街少女,女,异性恋,25岁 此外,与爱的人发生性行为还能帮助我们减轻压力、改善睡眠质量和增强免疫系统功能(Cohen et al., 1997)。同时因为被爱而带来的那种被接纳感,也能够缓解与伴侣裸裎相对时对自己体态的不自信,和对自己性表现的疑虑,提升心理幸福。 References: Abdullah, A. S., Fielding, R., Hedley, A. J., & Luk, Y. K. (2002). Risk factors for sexually transmitted diseases and casual sex among Chinese patients attending sexually transmitted disease clinics in Hong Kong. Sexually transmitted diseases, 360-365. Acevedo, B. P., Aron, A., Fisher, H. E., & Brown, L. L. (2012). Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love. Social cognitive and affective neuroscience, 7(2), 145-159. Aron, A., & Van Lange, P. A. M. (2006). 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