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在社会上，自恋被许多人误解为一种消极的人格特质，当我们看到身边的朋友经常照镜子时，我们会嘲笑他是个“自恋狂”。但其实，自恋不过是自己多爱了自己一丢丢。如果我们连自己都不多爱自己一点，别人怎么会爱我们呢？而且我们每个人都有被喜爱的渴望，如果得不到喜爱，很容易就跌入痛苦的深渊。如果喜爱无法向外求，向己求有何不可呢？Narcissism is one of the more misunderstood terms of our time. We’re so aware of the bad narcissist – one whose overweening pride leaves them no room for empathy or kindness – that we are at risk of missing the central role that narcissism should play in the development of any healthy human. 在这个时代，我们更容易误解的一个词汇是：自恋。我们非常警惕病态的自恋者，他们过于骄傲，他们无法与人共情且没有善心，以至于我们可能忽略了【自恋对于任何一个人的健康成长起到的核心作用】。None of us is able to thrive without a chance to deeply like ourselves. As psychotherapy recognises, we universally require a dose of what is termed 'healthy narcissism’, a sense of our lovability and rightful place in the world bequeathed to us via the approbation of kindly and enthusiastic care-givers in our early years.没有机会深深爱自己的人，无法茁壮成长。正如心理治疗所认识到的，我们普遍需要一种叫“健康自恋”的心态，即在童年时期满怀善心和热情的监护人赋予我们的，一种我们值得被爱的感觉，以及我们能够在这个复杂世界找到自己正确位置的感觉。In our haste to condemn selfishness and pride, we miss out on the primordial importance of self-esteem and confidence generated by love. If we analyse his situation from a clinical point of view, the mythological Narcissus didn’t get fixated on his reflection to the exclusion of others because he loved himself too much; a good deal more poignantly, he did so because some form of early deprivation must have bred in him a need to manically keep checking in on himself in a doomed search for a value he clearly couldn’t believe in. 在我们仓促谴责自私和骄傲的同时，我们忽视了原始的爱所产生的自尊心和自信心是多么的重要。如果从临床角度分析希腊神话中的自恋者纳西索斯的情况，纳西索斯并不是因为过于爱自己而专注于自己的倒影，而排斥其他人，令人痛心的是，正是因为他童年时期被剥夺了某种东西，导致他病态地不断检视自己的需求，他明显无法相信自己有价值。Without adequate approval, we develop what is known as a 'narcissistic wound’ – a feeling of profound inadequacy in relation to elements like our looks, our status or our intelligence. As wounded people, we will then keep being drawn – despite ourselves – to scenarios that scratch at our perceived flaws. We’ll be alive to every criticism about us, we’ll pick partners who can’t reassure us and we’ll anticipate – and thereby often precipitate – the end of everything positive or kind. 在得不到足够认可的环境下，我们会发展出一种所谓的“自恋创伤”，即一种与我们的外貌、地位或智慧等因素相关的深刻的不满足感。作为受伤的人，我们会不由自主地沉溺于自认为存在缺陷的情境中，尽管我们并不想这样。我们会敏锐察觉到针对自己的每一条批评，我们会选择那些不能给予我们安慰的伴侣，我们会预感-并且因为预感而常常加速-一切积极或善意的结束。We hear too much about a character who grows evil and selfish because they think too well of themselves. The reality is far more complex and sad. Everyone needs to be adored and will suffer immensely if they are not. We should strive to become more conscious of our narcissistic wounds and try to salve them through intense doses of the very same sort of love whose original absence created them. As we need to keep reminding ourselves, no one ever grew ill from too much love.我们听过太多一个人因为对自己评价太高而变得可恶和自私的故事。现实往往更复杂和令人伤感。每个人都需要被喜爱，如果得不到喜爱，我们将陷入痛苦的深渊。我们应该努力变得更能意识到，自身可能存在的自恋创伤，并就我们最初缺失什么样的爱，就给予自己更多什么样的爱来治愈这些伤痛。我们需要不断提醒自己，没有人会因为得到太多爱而生病。 译制：良哥 source: The School of Life
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