想摆脱单身吗？美国女作家亲身实验：跟异性聊这36个问题 + 4分钟凝视，就能坠入情网！ 想要摆脱单身吗？想要结交更多知心好友？或者想和另一半建立更亲密的关系？以下有个方法可能值得一试： 美国纽约州立大学石溪分校（Stony Brook）的心理学家亚瑟艾朗（Arthur Aron）曾在1997年，于期刊《Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin》发表了一篇名为〈人际亲密感的产生〉的论文，指出透过情境安排，可以让两个不熟识的人彼此产生好感，都想再见到对方。 在上述论文中，艾朗带领的研究团队在「人际关系实验室」进行了操作测试。如以下步骤进行： 两个陌生人轮流问对方36个循序渐进的私人问题，然后注视着对方的双眼，维持四分钟完全不交谈。整个过程大约45分钟。 你可能会很好奇，那实验结果呢？ 研究发现，经过一连串的自我揭露与关系建立的彼此问答，比起只进行表面浅谈（Small Talk），实验对象后续在彼此之间表现出较强烈的亲密感。而更有个传闻是，其中一对被配对进行问答的受测者在进行测试的六个月后结婚了，整个实验室都被邀请参加婚礼。 不管你相不相信这个传闻，有位美国女性亲身复制了这个实验，只不过不是在实验室，而是在酒吧里。 女主角是一名叫曼蒂兰卡朗（Mandy Len Catron）的年轻女性，当她接触到这个研究时，她正值一段痛苦的分手，无法走出失恋阴霾。为了爱得更有智慧，她转而找了一位她认识但不熟的男性，在双方同意并皆无预期会导向罗曼蒂克方向的状况下，一起进行「练习」。 而结果就是：45分钟（实际上他们谈了90分钟）聊天，加上4分钟的凝视，当啷，他们展开了新恋情。 Mandy Len Catron将这段故事投稿到美国《纽约时报》的「现代爱情」专栏，没想到文章〈想和任何人坠入爱河，就这么做〉（To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This）变成如病毒般地被广为转载，美国知名电视节目《今日秀》（Today Show）和《早安美国》（Good Morning America）都在刊出后的三天内，邀请她上节目。 「你们现在还在一起吗？」 这是她的读者最常问她的一个问题。大家都急切地想知道，经过这个实验所制造出来的爱情是稍纵即逝的花火，还是能历久弥坚的真情？ 回到原先的研究目的，其实并不是试图要制造浪漫爱情，而是想培养大学生彼此之间的亲密感。透过自我揭露，受测者在测试后都感觉彼此关系更紧密了；后续的几个研究也用了这个「快速交友模式」，成功地快速建立起配对陌生人间信任和亲密关系。 谈到爱情时，人们都太想要接受短版的故事，一个能让人坠入情网的捷径。「这些问题确实提供了一种机制，得以快速认识某人，同时也快速地被认识。」Mandy说，这就是大部份人希望从爱情中获得的东西：被认识、被看见、被了解。  但坠入情网不等同于维持爱情，坠入爱河只是简单的部分。Mandy在她文章的最后用了「爱情并不是碰巧在我们身上发生，我们相爱是因为我们都选择这么做」作为结尾，因为虽然她也如同大多数的人希望这段感情开花结果，但要在未来持续相爱，必须双方都作出同样的选择。 在爱情里，费洛蒙、贺尔蒙等生物因子也占了不少原因，但是艾朗的研究告诉我们，制造爱情所需要的信任和亲密，是可能的。「我拥有的是做出选择爱谁的机会，还有他也会爱我的希望，这令人感到害怕，但爱情就是这么一回事。」 These questions only take about 45 minutes to discuss—and they almost always make two people feel better about each other and want to see each other again, according to social psychology researcher Arthur Aron of the Interpersonal Relationships Lab at Stony Brook University in New York, who published his results in "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness" inPersonality and Social Psychology Bulletin (1997). You can try these questions with a date, but they're not necessarily only applicable to fostering romance. You can also try them with people you already know well—friends, family members, even long-term partners—to deepen your ties. Each of you should take a turn answering each question. Here they are, in order: 1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? 2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? 3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say? Why? 4. What would constitute a perfect day for you? 5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? 6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose? 7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? 8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. 9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? 10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? 11. Take four minutes and tell you partner your life story in as much detail as possible. 12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be? 13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? 14. Is there something that you've dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it? 15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? 16. What do you value most in a friendship? 17. What is your most treasured memory? 18. What is your most terrible memory? 19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? 20. What does friendship mean to you? 21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? 22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items. 23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's? 24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? 25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "we are both in this room feeling..." 26. Complete this sentence "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..." 27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. 28. Tell your partner what you like about them: be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met. 29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. 30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? 31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already. 32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? 33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet? 34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? 35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? 36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. ... and a few variations: · If you could choose the sex and physical appearance of your soon-to-be-born child, would you do it? · Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares for a year if you would be rewarded with extraordinary wealth? · While on a trip to another city, your spouse/lover meets and spends a night with an exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and could never otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about it?
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