​有社交能力的16个表现

虽然你可能不知道是什么让一个人具有社交智商， 但你可能经历过这种社交音聋， 最好的情况下会让你感到沮丧， 最坏的情况下会让你感到身体不适。

礼貌是一种文化上的社交智力。 然而，传统的“礼貌”似乎开始失去吸引力， 它会让人联想到一种洗去个性， 采取更统一的行为的画面。 虽然我们希望能够以一种双方都感到舒服的方式与人交往， 但我们不应该为了礼貌的点头或亲切的微笑而牺牲真诚的表达。 这两者并不相互排斥。

具有社交智慧的人在任何特定时刻的思维和行为方式都超越了文化所能接受的范围。他们以这样一种方式运作，他们能够与他人沟通，让他们感到轻松，而不牺牲他们是谁，他们想说什么。当然，这是联系的基础，是我们的大脑连接欲望的基础，也是我们个人繁荣的基础。

以下是社交达人的核心特征:

01. 他们不会对与他们交谈的人产生强烈的情绪反应。

他们不会通过夸大自己的成就来引起敬畏的反应， 也不会通过夸大自己的困难来引起同情的反应。 这种情况通常发生在所讨论的话题实际上不值得如此强烈的回应时，因此会让其他人感到不舒服，因为他们感到压力，不得不假装情绪反应。

02. 他们不绝对地谈论人、政治或思想。

说“这个想法是错误的”是听起来愚蠢的最快方式。 (这个想法对你来说可能是错误的，但它的存在是因为它对其他人来说是正确的。) 聪明人会说: “我个人并不理解或同意这个观点。”肯定地谈论任何一个人或想法，就是对存在于其中的多种观点视而不见。这就是思想封闭和目光短浅的定义。

03. 他们不会立即否认批评，也不会对批评产生强烈的情绪反应，让自己变得不可接近或不可改变。

一些最难相处的人是那些即使是最轻微的暗示他们的行为是有害的威胁，他们实际上最终对暗示的人生气，使问题更加严重。高社交能力的人在回应批评之前会先倾听，没有经过深思熟虑的即时情绪反应只是防御。

04. 他们不会把对某人的看法和他们的事实混为一谈。

社交能力高的人不会说“他是个混蛋”， 就好像这是事实一样。 相反，他们说: “我和他有过一次不好的经历，让我感到非常不舒服。”

05. 他们从不对他人的行为绝对概括。

他们不会用“你总是”或“你从不”来阐述观点。 同样，他们的论据也以“我感觉”而不是“你是”开头。 他们这样做是因为选择语言对别人没有威胁的感觉是让他们接受你观点的最好方法，并真正创造对话，从而导致你想要的改变。

06. 他们说话很精确。他们想说什么就说什么，不回避这个问题。

他们说话冷静，简单，简洁，用心。 他们专注于交流，而不仅仅是接收他人的回应。

07. 他们知道如何保持健康的距离。

换句话说，他们知道世界不是围着他们转的。 他们能够倾听别人，而不担心他们所说的任何话实际上是对他们的轻视。他们能够脱离自己的预测，至少尝试理解另一个人的观点，而不认为这与自己的观点有关。

08. 他们不试图说别人的无知。

当你指责某人犯错时，你通过加强他们的防御来关闭他们考虑另一个角度的大门。如果你首先确认他们的立场(“这很有趣，我从来没有这样想过……”)，然后展示你自己的观点(“我最近学到的是这个……”)，然后通过询问他们的意见让他们知道他们在对话中仍然掌握着自己的力量(“你怎么看?”)，你让他们参与到一场双方都可以学习的对话中，而不是仅仅为反驳他们。

09. 他们认可他人的感受。

确认别人的感受就是接受他们的感受，而不是试图用逻辑来否定、否认或改变他们的想法。(例如: “我今天很难过。”“好吧，你不应该这样，你的生活很棒!”) 这里主要的误解是，确认感觉和确认想法不是一回事。有很多想法不需要也不值得被验证，但每个人的感受都值得被看到、被认可和被尊重。确认某人的情绪就是确认他们是谁，即使你会做出不同的反应。换句话说，就是确认某人是谁，即使他们和你不同。

10. 他们认识到他们的“影子自我”是他们对他人不满的特征、行为和模式。

一个人仇恨被政客误导可能是他们对自己不聪明或不合格的恐惧的投射。一个人对一个特别消极的朋友的强烈厌恶可能表明他自己倾向于给予别人生活中的权力。这并不总有一种明显的关联，但当涉及到强烈的情感反应时，它总是存在的。如果你真的不喜欢某件事，你可以简单地走开。

11. 他们不和那些只想赢而不想学的人争论。

当人们开始“强推”论点或诉诸劣质的逻辑时， 你可以识别出这种情况，他们只是为了显示他们占上风。 社交能力高的人知道不是每个人都想要交流、学习、成长或联系，所以他们不会试图强迫他们。

12. 他们倾听，而不回应。

当听别人说话时，他们关注的是说话的内容，而不是他们将如何回应。这也被称为“保持空间”的元实践。

13. 他们不会在网上发布任何会让他们不好意思给父母看、向孩子解释或让雇主发现的东西。

除了在某些时候，如果不是所有的事情都会发生， 发布任何你没有信心支持的事情意味着你对自己不真诚(你是真诚的) 表现出你想要别人认可的那一部分)。

14. 他们不认为自己能判断什么是真实的。

他们不会说，“你错了”; 他们说:“我认为你错了。”

15. 他们不会“往井里下毒”，也不会用人身攻击谬论来反驳一个观点。

“投毒”是指某人攻击某人的性格，以转移注意力，使其偏离(可能非常有效的)观点。例如，如果一个人每天吃三块糖，他说: “孩子们，我不认为孩子们每天吃太多糖是健康的。”一个社交高智商的人不会回答: “你说什么?”他们可以从说话的人身上看到这个陈述的目的。通常，最受问题影响的人能够说出它的重要性(即使表面上看起来很虚伪)。

16. 他们最主要的关系是与自己的关系，他们不知疲倦地为此努力。  

社交高智商的人最主要的理解是，你与他人的关系是你与自己关系的延伸。

----选自布丽安娜·韦斯特<改变你的思维方式的101篇散文>

16 SIGNS of a SOCIALLY INTELLIGENT PERSON

While you may not know what makes someone socially intelligent, you have likely experienced the kind of social tone-deafness that leaves you feeling frustrated at best, and physically uncomfortable at worst.

Manners are cultural social intelligence. Yet it seems traditional “politeness” is beginning to lose its appeal—it can conjure images of washing out your personality in favor of more uniform behavior. While we want to be able to engage with people in a mutually comfortable way, we shouldn’t have to sacrifice genuine expression in favor of a polite nod or gracious smile. The two are not mutually exclusive.

People who are socially intelligent think and behave in a way that spans beyond what’s culturally acceptable at any given moment in time. They function in such a way that they are able to communicate with others and leave them feeling at ease without sacrificing who they are and what they want to say. This, of course, is the basis of connection, the thing on which our brains are wired to desire, and on which we personally thrive.

Here, the core traits of someone who is socially intelligent:

1. They do not try to elicit a strong emotional response from anyone they are holding a conversation with.

They don’t communicate in such a way that aggrandizes their accomplishments to incite a response of awe or exaggerates their hardships to incite a response of sympathy. This usually occurs when the topic in question is not actually deserving of such a strong response, and therefore makes others uncomfortable because they feel pressured to fake an emotional reaction.

2. They do not speak in definitives about people, politics, or ideas.

The fastest way to sound unintelligent is to say, “This idea is wrong.” (That idea may be wrong for you, but it exists because it is right to someone else.) Intelligent people say, “I don’t personally understand this idea or agree with it.” To speak definitively about any one person or idea is to be blind to the multitude of perspectives that exist on it. It is the definition of closed-minded and short-sightedness.

3. They don’t immediately deny criticism, or have such a strong emotional reaction to it that they become unapproachable or unchangeable.

Some of the most difficult people to be in relationships with are those who are so threatened by even the slightest suggestion that their behavior is hurtful that they actually end up getting angry at the person suggesting it, reinforcing the problem altogether. Socially intelligent people listen to criticism before they respond to it—an immediate emotional response without thoughtful consideration is just defensiveness.

4. They do not confuse their opinion of someone for being a fact about them.

Socially intelligent people do not say, “He’s a prick” as though it is fact. Instead, they say: “I had a negative experience with him where I felt very uncomfortable.”

5. They never overgeneralize other people through their behaviors.

They don’t use “you always” or “you never” to illustrate a point. Likewise, they root their arguments in statements that begin with “I feel” as opposed to “you are.” They do this because choosing language that feels unthreatening to someone is the best way to get them to open up to your perspective and actually create the dialogue that will lead to the change you desire.

6. They speak with precision.

They say what they intend to say without skirting around the issue. They speak calmly, simply, concisely, and mindfully. They focus on communicating something, not just receiving a response from others.

7. They know how to practice healthy disassociation.

In other words, they know that the world does not revolve around them. They are able to listen to someone without worrying that any given statement they make is actually a slight against them. They are able to disassociate from their own projections and at least try to understand another person’s perspective without assuming it has everything to do with their own.

8. They do not try to inform people of their ignorance.

When you accuse someone of being wrong, you close them off to considering another perspective by heightening their defenses. If you first validate their stance (“That’s interesting, I never thought of it that way…”) and then present your own opinion (“Something I recently learned is this…”) and then let them know that they still hold their own power in the conversation by asking their opinion (“What do you think about that?”), you open them up to engaging in a conversation where both of you can learn rather than just defend.

9. They validate other people’s feelings.

To validate someone else’s feelings is to accept that they feel the way they do without trying to use logic to dismiss or deny or change their minds. (For example: “I am sad today.” “Well, you shouldn’t be, your life is great!”) The main misunderstanding here is that validating feelings is not the same thing as validating ideas. There are many ideas that do not need or deserve to be validated, but everyone’s feelings deserve to be seen and acknowledged and respected. Validating someone’s emotions is validating who they really are, even if you would respond differently. So in other words, it is validating who someone is, even if they are different than you.

10. They recognize that their “shadow selves” are the traits, behaviors, and patterns that aggravate them about others.

One’s hatred of a misinformed politician could be a projection of their fear of being unintelligent or underqualified. One’s intense dislike for a particularly passive friend could be an identification of one’s own inclination to give others power in their life. It is not always an obvious connection, but when there is a strong emotional response involved, it is always there. If you genuinely disliked something, you would simply disengage with it.

11. They do not argue with people who only want to win, not learn.

You can identify that this is the case when people start “pulling” for arguments or resorting to shoddy logic only to seem as though they have an upper hand. Socially intelligent people know that not everybody wants to communicate, learn, grow or connect—and so they do not try to force them.

12. They listen to hear, not respond.

While listening to other people speak, they focus on what is being said, not how they are going to respond. This is also known as the meta practice of “holding space.”

13. They do not post anything online they would be embarrassed to show to a parent, explain to a child, or have an employer find.

Aside from the fact that at some point or another, one if not all of those things will come to pass, posting anything that you are not confident to support means you are not being genuine to yourself (you are behaving on behalf of the part of you that wants other people to validate it).

14. They do not consider themselves a judge of what’s true.

They don’t say, “you’re wrong”; they say, “I think you are wrong.”

15. They don’t “poison the well” or fall for ad hominem fallacy to disprove a point.

“Poisoning the well” is when someone attacks the character of a person so as to shift the attention away from the (possibly very valid) point being made. For example, if a person who eats three candy bars a day says: “I don’t think kids it’s healthy for children to eat too much candy each day,” a socially intelligent person wouldn’t respond, “Who are you to say?”; they would be able to see the statement objective from the person who is saying it. Usually, it is people who are most inflicted with an issue that are able to speak out on the importance of it (even if it seems hypocritical on the surface).

16. Their primary relationship is to themselves, and they work on it tirelessly.

The main thing socially intelligent people understand is that your relationship to everyone else is an extension of your relationship to yourself.