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By Imi Lo 作者： Imi Lo 5 min read 阅读需要5分钟 Although the push-pull behaviors in ourcurrent relationships seem to be triggered by our partner, they are actually aresult of old fears we carry from our childhood. 尽管我们在当下关系中的一些推拉撕扯行为好像是对方引起的，但实际上它们源于我们自童年起就一直背负的旧有恐惧。 Anxiety is a normal part of being in anintimate relationship. It usually comes in two forms — the fear of abandonment,and the fear of engulfment. Part of us worries that if we dive in to love, wewill be abandoned. On the flip side, we fear that if someone gets too close, wewill be swamped or never able to leave. 当你身处一段亲密关系中，感到焦虑是再正常不过的事。焦虑通常会表现为两种形式：害怕被抛弃，以及害怕被吞噬。有人担心，一旦坠入爱河，可能会被对方抛弃；相反，也有人担心如果靠的太近，会被对方吞噬，再也无法离开。 This article focuses on the fear ofabandonment, which, to its excess, could show up as a lingering feeling ofinsecurity, intrusive thoughts, emptiness, unstable sense of self, clinginess,neediness, extreme mood fluctuations and frequent relationship conflicts. Onthe flip side, one might also cope by cutting off completely, and becomeemotionally numb. 这篇文章主要来谈一谈被抛弃的恐惧，一个人有这种感受，可能会体现为一种挥之不去的不安全感，一些侵入性的想法，空虚，自体不稳定，粘人，需求多，情绪波动大，容易走极端，以及频繁的关系冲突。相反，也有人可能表现为完全切断关系，情感麻木。 Neuroscientists have found that ourparents’ response to our attachment-seeking behaviors, especially during thefirst two years of our lives, encode our model of the world. If as infants, wehave healthy attachment interactions with an attuned, available, and nurturingcaregiver, we will be able to develop a sense of safety and trust. If ourparent were able to respond to our calls for feeding and comfort most of thetime, we would internalize the message that the world is a friendly place; whenwe are in need, someone will come and help us. We would also learn to calmourselves in time of distress, and this forms our resilience as adults. 神经科学家发现，在生命的头两年，当孩子做出寻求依恋的行为时，父母的反应至关重要，奠定了一个人应对世界的模式。当我们还是婴儿时，如果能够与一个同调的、在身边的、滋养性的照料者之间建立一种健康的依恋关系，我们就能够发展出安全感和信任感。如果父母能够在我们饿了、不舒服的时候及时回应，我们就会内化这一信息：世界是个友好的地方；当我有需要时，会有人来帮我。难过的时候，我们也会学着安慰自己，这就构成了成年后的心理弹性。 If, in contrast, the message that wewere given as an infant was that the world is unsafe and that people cannot berelied upon, it would affect our ability to withstand uncertainty,disappointments and relationships ups and downs. 相反，如果婴儿时期的我们内化的信息是：世界很不安全，人人都不可靠，那么我们涵容不确定性、失望，以及承受关系波动的能力就会受到影响。 Object Constancy 客体恒常性 Most people can withstand some degreeof relational ambiguity, and not be entirely consumed by worrying aboutpotential rejection. When we argue with our loved ones, we can later bounceback from the negative event. When they are not physically by our side, we havean underlying trust that we are on their mind. All these involve somethingcalled Object Constancy, the ability to maintain an emotional bond with otherseven where there are distance and conflicts. 对于关系中出现的模棱两可，大多数人都能够在一定程度上忍受，不会整日担心自己可能会被拒绝。即使与心爱的人发生争执，过后我们也能从这一负面事件中恢复。即使亲人不在身边，我们也会在心底里相信，他们仍然把我们放在心上。这些都与所谓的客体恒常性有关，它指这样一种能力：一个人能够与他人维持情感上的连接，哪怕双方不在一起或者有冲突。 Object Constancy originates from theconcept of Object Permanence — a cognitive skill we acquire at around 2 to 3years old. It is the understanding that objects continue to exist even whenthey cannot be seen, touched, or sensed in some way. This is why babies lovepeekaboo — when you hide your face, they think it ceases to exist. According topsychologist Piaget, who founded the idea, achieving Object Constancy is adevelopmental milestone. 客体恒常性源自客体永久性这个概念，客体永久性是我们在大约2、3岁的时候获得的一种认知能力，指一个人能够理解：他看不见、摸不着或者感觉不到的客体仍然存在。这就是为什么小婴儿都喜欢玩躲猫猫的游戏，大人遮住脸，小婴儿就以为大人不存在了。心理学家皮亚杰提出了这个概念，他认为，获得客体恒常性是儿童发展道路上的一个里程碑。 Object Constancy is a psychodynamicconcept, and we could think of it as the emotional equivalence of Object Permanence.To develop this skill, we mature into the understanding that our caregiver issimultaneously a loving presence and a separate individual who could walk away.Rather than needing to be with them all the time, we have an ‘internalizedimage’ of our parents’ love and care. So even when they are temporarily out ofsight, we still know we are loved and supported. 客体恒常性是一个心理动力学概念，我们可以理解为是客体永久性的情感等价体。要发展出这种能力，我们必须足够成熟，能够理解照料者对我们充满爱意的同时，又是另一个人，可能会从我们身边走开。我们不需要时时刻刻与父母在一起，我们会把父母的爱与照料内化为一个“内在的形象”。所以，即便是他们暂时离开视野，我们仍然知道自己是被爱的、被支持的。 In adulthood, Object Constancy allowsus to trust that our bond with those who are close to us remains whole evenwhen they are not physically around, picking up the phone, replying to ourtexts, or even frustrated at us. With Object Constancy, absence does not meandisappearance or abandonment, only temporary distance. 对于成年人来说，拥有客体恒常性会让我们坚信：自己与亲近的人之间的联系一直是完整的，哪怕他们并不在身边，没有接我们的电话，没有回我们的短信，甚至对我们感到沮丧。对于一个拥有客体恒常性的人来说，缺席不意味着消失或抛弃，只是暂时离开。 Since no parent could be available andattuned 100% of the time, we all suffer at least some minor bruises in learningto separate and individuate. However, when one had experienced more severeearly or even preverbal attachment trauma, have extremely inconsistent oremotionally unavailable caregivers, or a chaotic upbringing, their emotionaldevelopment might have been stunted at a delicate age, and they never had theopportunity to develop Object Constancy. 没有父母可以无时无刻在孩子身边，百分百与孩子保持同调，因此，我们每个人在学着与照料者分离及完成自己个体化的过程中，或多或少都有一些伤痛。但是，如果一个人经历过严重的早期依恋创伤，甚至早至前语言期，比如照料者反复无常，或者在情感上缺席，或者养育环境混乱，那么他的情感发育可能会迟缓，过多停留在一个非常脆弱的时期，并且可能再也没有机会发展出客体恒常性。 The lack of Object Constancy is at theheart of Borderline Personality traits. For the insecurely attachedindividuals, any kind of distance, even brief and benign ones, trigger them tore-experience the original pain of being left alone, dismissed, or disdain.Their fear could trigger coping survival modes such as denial, clinging,avoidance and dismissing others, lashing out in relationships, or the patternof sabotaging relationships to avoid potential rejection. 没有客体恒常性是边缘人格的核心特征。对于不能安全地依恋他人的人来说，任何的分离，哪怕是短暂的、温柔的分离，也会触发他们再次体验到旧有的被丢下、被拒斥，或者被贬低的痛苦。恐惧会触发求生应对模式，比如，否认、粘人、回避，以及拒斥他人，在关系中猛烈的伤害对方，或者暗中破坏关系借以避免被拒绝的可能。 Without Object Constancy, one tends torelate to others as “parts,” rather than “whole.” Just like a child whostruggles to comprehend the mother as a complete person who sometimes rewardsand sometimes frustrates, they struggle to hold the mental idea that boththemselves and ourselves have both good and bad aspects. They may experiencerelationships as unreliable, vulnerable, and heavily dependent on the mood ofthe moment. There seems to be no continuity in the way they view their partner— it shifts moment to moment and is either good or bad. 没有客体恒常性的人，在与人交往时，倾向于把别人当成“部分的人”，而不是“完整的人”。就像小孩子很难理解时而奖励时而挫败自己的妈妈是完整的一个人，他们很难有这样的想法：其他人和自己都既有好的一面也有坏的一面。他们对关系的体验可能是不可靠的、脆弱的，关系的好坏很大程度上取决于那一刻的心情好坏。他们看待伴侣的视角似乎没有连续性，时刻都在变，时而好时而坏。 Without the ability to see people aswhole and constant, it becomes difficult to evoke the sense of the presence ofthe loved one when they are not physically present. The feeling of being lefton their own can become so powerful and overwhelming that it evoke raw, intenseand sometimes child-like reactions. When abandonment fear is triggered, shameand self-blame closely follow, further destabilizing the anxious person’semotions. Because the origins of these strong reactions were not alwaysconscious, it would seem as though they were “unreasonable” or “immature.” Intruth, if we think of them as acting from a place of repressed or dissociatedtrauma — and consider what it was like for a 2-year-old to be left alone or bewith an inconsistent caregiver — the intense fear, rage, and despair would allmake sense. 一个人没有能力把他人当做一个恒常的整体，那么当所爱之人不在身边时，就很难再有爱人仍在的感觉，被孤零零的丢下的感觉如此强烈，难以承受，以至于会激起一些原始的、强烈的，有时甚至是孩子气的反应。被抛弃的恐惧一旦被触发，羞耻感和自我谴责会紧随其后，进一步破坏这个已经焦虑的人的情绪。由于这些强烈反应的起点不总是在意识层面，所以有时候一个人的行为看起来好像是在“无理取闹”或者“不成熟”。事实上，如果我们明白他们的行为源于被压抑或者被解离的创伤（想想一个2岁的孩子被独自丢下或者跟一个反复无常的照料者一起生活是什么样子），那么，那些强烈的恐惧、愤怒，以及绝望就都说得通了。 Healing from the Void 疗愈内心的空洞 A big part of developing ObjectConstancy is to have the ability to hold paradoxes in our mind. The same waythe caregiver who feeds us is also the one who fails us, we must come tograpple with the truth that no relationship or people are all good or all bad. 发展客体恒常性很大程度上就是要有能力在心中涵容矛盾的事物。同样，喂养我们的照料者也是那个令我们失望的人，我们必须明白这个道理：没有哪一段关系，也没有哪一个是完全好的，或者完全坏的。 If we can hold both the faults and thevirtues in ourselves and others, we would not have to resort to the primitivedefense of “splitting,” or black-or-white thinking. We do not have to devalueour partner because they have disappointed us completely. We could also forgiveourselves. Just because we are not perfect all the time does not mean we are,therefore defective or unworthy of love. 对自己和他人，如果既能看到优点也能看到缺点，我们就不必使用“分裂”的原始防御，也无需抱有非黑即白的想法。即使伴侣让我们完全失望，也不必贬低他们。我们也能原谅自己。因为，不是一直都完美并不意味着我们就有缺陷，不值得被爱。 Our partner could be limited and goodenough at the same time. They could love and be angry at us atthe same time. They might need to distance themselvesfrom us sometimes, but the foundation of the bond remains solid. 伴侣可以有自身的局限性，同时也是刚够好的。 他们生我们气的同时也可以爱着我们。 他们或许有时候需要远离我们，但彼此之间的连接基础是牢固的。 Fear of abandonment is over-poweringbecause it brings back the deep trauma that we carry from when we were a littlechild, being thrown into this world as helpless beings, utterly dependent onthose around us. But we must acknowledge that our fears no longer reflects ourcurrent reality. Although there is never absolute certainty and safety in life,we are an adult now and have different choices. 被抛弃的恐惧过于强烈是因为它勾起了我们从小一直背负的痛彻心扉的创伤：被丢在世上，弱小无助，只能依赖周围人。但我们必须明白，那些恐惧与当下的现实无关。尽管生活中没有绝对的确定与安全，但我们如今已经长大成人，可以做出不一样的选择。 As adults, we could no longer be“abandoned” — if a relationship comes to an end, it is the natural consequencesof a mismatch in two people’s values, needs, and life paths. We could no longer be “rejected” — forthe value of our existence does not depend on the opinions of others. We could no longer be engulfed ortrapped. We can say no, set limits, and walk away. 作为一个成年人，我们可以选择不再“被抛弃”，一段关系结束了，就只是两个人在价值观、需要等方面不匹配，各自选择了不同的人生道路，结束是自然而然的事。 我们可以选择不再“被拒绝”，别人的评价不能左右我们存在的价值。 我们可以选择不被吞没，不受制于人。我们可以说不，可以设定边界，也可以走开。 As a resilient adult, we could cradlethe 2-month-old inside of us that was terrified of being dropped, we learn tostay inside of our bodies even in fear without dissociating, and we could stayin relationships with others even in the midst of uncertainty, without runningaway into avoidance and defenses. 作为一个有弹性的成年人，我们可以抚慰内心深处那个只有两个月大的自己，那个自己非常害怕被人丢弃，我们学着与自己的身体在一起，哪怕充满恐惧，也不要解离，我们也能与他人待在一段关系里，哪怕其中有不确定，我们也不逃离、不回避、不防御。 Rather than getting stuck in a searchfor the “missing piece,” we come to recognize ourselves as a whole andintegrated being. 不再没完没了的寻找“失落的碎片”，我们开始认识到自己是一个完整的、整合的人。 The trauma of being dropped and leftalone has passed, and we are given the opportunity for a new life. 被丢弃、被独自留下的创伤已经过去，现在，我们有机会开始新的生活。 |
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